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Monday, December 14, 2009

The Girls In The Back Of The Cast

I was watching 90210 last week when the character of Lila was introduced. The actress seemed familiar so I googled her. Instead of immediately getting the actresses name, I instead came across this casting call notice for the character.

"Lila: A student at West Beverly who is both stylish and sarcastic, Lila is “chubby” and “heavier than our girls on the show.” Recurring potential."

Charming isn't it, but it got me thinking of teen dramas and their perception of the overweight, bespectacled, and non-conformist. Let's start with the "big girls", the big girls are usually no more than a size 10 or 12 at best. Despite the fact that they hang with the core cast, they are never really a part of it. On the off chance that a big girl is paired up romantically, it's usually with another outcast character.

For example, Delia from My So Called Life. Sure she hung out with Angela, Brian, and Ricky but only in a peripheral sense. There was no threat of her hooking up with Jordan Catalano. Instead she was pawned off on nerdy Brian and then rebounded onto a gay guy who sees her as a chance to "go straight."

Another example is Terri from Degrassi: The Next Generation. She hung out with the core cast but like Delia, she was still peripheral. Her only real relationship on the show was with Rick, a "nerdy" character who quickly became abusive. Her only major story lines concerned her obsessing over her weight and becoming a plus size model. Despite being an original cast member, the character was written off with little fanfare and rarely mentioned again.

And of course who could forget the girls with glasses. They are always portrayed as rampant overachievers with little to no social skills. Like the big girls, they hang out with the core cast but are never truly fit in. If the show progresses past high school, these same characters will forgo their dreams of Ivy League Schools to attend the convenient community college that everyone else goes to. These characters never hook up with the shows stud and usually wind up with other outcasts. More insultingly characters like 90210's Andrea and Degrassi's Liberty lose the glasses and suddenly become more popular and likable.

And then there are the true outcasts, the Goths/Wiccans. Their purpose on the show is to be the antagonist to the prettier, popular characters. They are so totally non-conformist and are so above the high school/college drama. For a time, either the characters are quickly written off (Glenda, One Tree Hill) or suddenly give up their Goth ways and happily conform (Ellie from Degrassi.) The most insulting change was Meghan from Felicity. She started out a wonderfully dark and awesome character. However, by the end of the series she happily conformed and thus became boring.

This is Amber Wallace who played gothy Glenda on One Tree Hill. She's the "lucky" actress picked to play the "chubby" Lila on 90210.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Celine: The Movie

At the height of Selena's career, she was shot by someone she trusted. Naomi Judd struggled with poverty while raising her daughters. Tina Turner survived years of abuse at the hands of her husband. These are people we'd go to see movies about.

Celine: The Movie is not one of those films. Usually an unauthorized biography is sleazy or it dredges up facts that the celebrity normally glosses over. This film sadly has none of these qualities. What we get is a boring fluff piece that never really gets off the ground.

The film follows Celine from her ugly duckling childhood to her swan song on the Titanic. We pretty much cover familiar ground, Celine's family was poor, she had a lot of siblings, she married her 26 years older manager. You could get this same stuff from a Wikipedia page in half the time it takes to sit through this film.

The scenes between preteen Celine and her manager comes off as unintentionally creepy. I don't know if it was bad acting or just having the knowledge that in a few short years they will be man and wife.

The casting is awful not a single one of the actresses who played Celine looked a thing like her. Take a gander at the one who portrays Celine as a grown-up. She looks like a cross between Jennifer Grey and Annie Potts.

FYI: Just because the two have curly hair does not mean that they look alike

As I previously said the film ends in 1998, when she records the iconic Titanic theme song. The film was made in 2008. They missed a part of Celine's life that would have made the movie interesting. Her husband gets diagnosed with cancer and Celine puts her career on hold to take care of them. How about having a son after years of trying? And her triumphant return after her husband gets better. If I were to have made this film that is what I would've focused on.

This film is really only entertaining if you are a die hard Celine Dion fan. And if you are the many anachronisms might very well drive you crazy, so consider yourself warned.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Lightning Strikes: A V.C. Andrews Novel

So Rain, the great and terrible, is on her way to England to pursue her dreams of acting. And the blatant stereotyping did not stop with Rain, now it's Britain's turn to be stereotyped.

Rain arrives in England and will be staying with Grandmother Hudson's sister, Leonora. Rain is picked up at the airport by a chauffeur named Boggs. Leanora is the typical British stereotype, posh, snooty, and bathed in waves of perfume. Admidst her British slang for Dummies dialogue, she makes sure to point out that her Great Grandfather owned slaves.

The ghostwriter uses nearly three pages simply describing the mansion where Rain is staying (and apparently working as maid.) That's how dull this book is, three pages wasted on descriptions alone. The staff is also introduced, Leo the butler with a limp, Mary Margaret, the nervous maid, and Miss Chester, the stereotypical British chef.

"Ain't no tellin' what'll be spuin' out of 'er gob." This only a mere sampling of the "British" dialogue in this crap fest. For this the ghostwriter must be taken to the town square and pelted with English muffins. Rain bitches about the room some, no heater, no alarm clock, and no hot water, oh noes. You'd think a character who spent most of her formative years living in the ghetto wouldn't be so picky.

Finally, Rain actually heads off to acting school. Forgetting that the English drive on the opposite side of the road, she almost gets hit by a car. Unfortunately they missed. It rains, she gets lost, meets a pair of ditsy French sisters, Catherine and Leslie. Does this character ever stop bitching?

Rain begins to get the feel of the place, but noticed some spooky going ons at the mansion. She also meets Randall an honest to goodness Canadian, whom she feels attracted to. And if anyone was worried, yes, she gets her alarm clock and hot water.

Rain goes out with Randall and we are subjected to a five page description of London. Kensington Gardens, Hyde Park, Buckingham Palace, etc etc etc. Is this a book or a travel brochure?

Great Aunt Leona's husband, Richard, unexpectedly gifts Rain with play tickets for Macbeth. She asks Mary Margaret to join her but she refuses to go and runs out. She then settles on Randall who proposes a day of sightseeing before they attend the play. Sightseeing apparently consists of showering in his room and almost having sex.

The next day, Rain waits on a sickly Leona, who tells her about their daughter, Heather. Heather was very loved by Richard who was devastated by her sudden death. Rain excels at acting school winning the role of Ophelia. Aunt Victoria causes some trouble by trying to paint Rain as a thief who stole from Grandmother Hudson. Rain is offended by the accusation and threatens to leave, but Richard believes her and asks her to stay.

Rain eventually has unprotected sex with Randall and trusts him enough to tell him her whole sad story. Randall comes up with the idea of reuniting Rain with her biological father who by coincidence just happens to live in London.

More spooky things go on at the mansion. Rain discovers a mysterious little cottage on the property. Way to rip off the Casteel series there, ghostwriter, is there a shrubbery maze as well? Randall locates Rain's father and they spy on him and his family until Rain freaks out and wants to leave.

Rain receives a letter from Roy who is still hot for her bod. Rain investigates the little cottage and see Richard reading a children's book to the maid, Mary Margaret. Mary Margaret is dressed like a small child, and behaving like on as well. Creepily enough, he refers to her as Heather. Rain is furious to learn that Randall told Catherine and Leslie about her attempts to locate her father.

Rain finally gets the gumption to contact her father who had noticed her skulking about the neighborhood. She tells him who she is and he invites her to his house for tea. However he doesn't want to tell his new family who she really is.

Rain writes her Grandmother and fills her in on what's happening. She then learns that Mary-Margaret is sick. Forced to serve dinner by herself, she mouths off to one of Richard's guests. This earns her a lecture in his office. He creeps Rain out when he tells her that he wants to be more of a father to her than an employer.

Rain decides to surprise Randall in his bedroom only to find him in bed with Leslie. Even though she was the one that blew him off, she feels betrayed. Despite the big betrayal, she still has the time to snoop in Leona's room only to find out that she and Richard have separate rooms.

She does wind up having a good time at her father's tea but is saddened that he doesn't tell his wife and kids who she is. Bitch, bitch, bitch, moan moan moan. Grandmother Hudson contacts Rain and tells her it's a mistake to try to be a part of her father's life.

Richard takes Rain to the cottage where he makes her put on ill-fitting clothes. They drink wine, recite plays, and he kisses her on the neck. As she leaves, Boggs threatens her to keep her silence. What Rain should have done is kneed him in the crotch, packed her things and hightail it back to the States. Plenty of acting schools there I'm sure.

Randall tries to win back Rain but to no avail. Mary Margaret faints and Rain learns the she is fo shizz up the spout. I'm not just quoting Diablo Cody, the phrase up the spout actually appears in this scene.

She visits Mary-Margaret and tries to get her to admit that Richard is her baby daddy. Boggs shows up and Rain learns that he is Mary Margaret's pimp er umm father. Roy visits from Germany and the two quickly jump on the good foot and do the bad thing. Roy is contented but Rain realizes she made a mistake.

Grandmother Hudson passes away and Victoria reveals the truth of Rain's parentage to Richard and Leona. When she refuses to continue to deny her parentage, Rain is kicked out of the mansion. Roy proposes to Rain but she turns him down. Wait, a V.C. Andrews heroine who doesn't wind up with the guy she thought was her brother? Will wonders never cease?

She writes a letter to her father and says her goodbyes to Roy, Randall, and Miss Chester. She returns home and her mother informs her that she has told her husband the truth but not her children. Grandmother Hudson leaves Rain a ton of money much to Victoria's displeasure.

Rain decides to postpone school for a semester and I finally get to say my goodbyes to this monstrosity of a novel. Two down, two to go. Next up, Eye Of The Storm.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

VC Andrews Rain

According to the Complete V.C. Andrews Library, Rain was originally supposed to be titled Shadow. So already this book wasn't off to a good start.

Rain starts out as a typical V.C. Andrews book always does. Abusive alcoholic father, brother who is in love with main character, jealous sister and kind loving mother who we all know is doomed. But untypically the main character is (brace yourself) African American, well kind of.

Even though this is the first V.C. Andrews novel to feature an African American character it also seems to be apologizing for it as well. The ghostwriter falls all over himself trying to make Rain as white as possible. Rain doesn't hang out with gang bangers, she's a good student, she hates rap. This makes her completely different from all the other stereotypical black characters in the novel.

Rain's sister Beni is Riley to Rain's Huey. She's jealous of her perfect sister and is determined to get in as much trouble as possible. She hangs out with a group of gang bangers led by Carlton (not Banks) who wants to get with Rain. Of course Rain is too good for him (and everyone else is their neighborhood.)

One night, Rain's "father" reveals the truth, Rain is a biracial girl that they had adopted in exchange for money. Rain is devastated by the news, Beni is even more jealous and Roy, he's just happy that the girl he's attracted to isn't a blood relative. Seriously even if you weren't related, you did still spend the majority of your life believing you were. You can't just turn that off like a switch.

Beni promptly tells everyone the news, and her bitchy friends and Carlton take every opportunity to put her in her place. One night, Beni sneaks off to a party and comes back drugged and disheveled. Her "friends" allowed Carlton and his friends to photograph her naked. They'll give the photos back for a price.

Rather than cops or tell their mom or anything logical, Rain pawns a valuable bracelet and the girls meet their blackmailers at an abandoned warehouse. However things don't go as planned, Beni is killed and Rain of course is too blame. At one point Beni's fair weather friends attempt to set Rain on fire. They aren't successful and I am forced to continue reading this monstrosity.

Realizing that Rain is no longer safe, Rain's adoptive mother demands that her bio mother take care of her. Of course, not so Mommy Dearest doesn't want to disrupt her life with an illegitimate child so she pawns her off on her Grandmother. Roy is shipped off to the army and her mother goes off to stay with family.

In typical V.C. Andrews fashion, Rain is plucked from her loving but poor home and dropped into a lavish but unloving mansion. Rain suddenly remembers that she's a talented actress and of course is sent to an uber fancy school. She catches the eye of Corbette, the school's resident man whore.

Once again we are treated to the rare but irritating rape/seduction scene that the later novels seemed to favor. You know the spiel, the rapist gets the title character drunk, essentially forces himself on her and then the book tries to convince us it was a seduction. To make things even more disgusting, Rain's biological brother, Brody also falls in love with her. Rain can't tell him the truth so she tries her best to discourage him.

Rain's grandmother starts out a little cold towards her but thaws out. Of course, who could really hate Rain? She's practically a superhero to everyone in the book. Also there is a wise janitor, I mean, limo driver who is always there to give Rain advice.

Rain is devastated to learn that her adoptive mother has chick cancer and not much longer to live. She hightails it to her "Mama's" bedside and is reunited with Roy. Roy is being shipped off to Germany and is obviously still hot for Rain's bod.

Since Rain is the most talented person in the world, it only makes sense that she would be accepted into a prestigious art school in London. No doubt, moments after she lands, she will win an Oscar and be elected crowned England's new Queen.

Rain was made into a movie a few years ago, here is my review if you are interested.

Next up, I'll read and review Lightning Strikes. God help me.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Virtual Villagers, Virtual Families.

A month ago, a friend gifted me with Virtual Villagers and Virtual Families. What they neglected to tell me was how addictive these games are.

In Virtual Villagers, you have to create and maintain a group of villagers. There are also certain tasks and puzzles that you have to complete in order to finish the game. Virtual Families has a similar layout but is more lenient. In Virtual Villagers, a nursing mother is basically useless until the kid grows while in Families they can still cook dinner, clean, etc etc.

When I first played the game, I thought the graphics were low rent and didn't immediately see the appeal. Next thing I knew I was reading up on the game and playing it whenever I had the chance.

The most fun thing about this game is that it continues to play even when you turn it off. Each time you turn it on new things have happened. I wish Sims 3 would've utilized that function in their game. It gives the game a fresh feel to it and keeps the game interesting. Virtual Families/Villagers can starve, get promotions, breed etc etc. And if you don't stay on top of the game you might turn on your game to find a bunch of dead characters.

The only downside to the game is that once I finished I lost interest. Sure you can continue to raise your families but without the fun of solving the puzzles, what's the point. If you like simulation games, this is a great one to play. The game won't slow down your computer nor will it take up too much space.

This post also announces the end to a rather hectic month and the beginning of more regular blog entries. Next up as promised the oh so bad it's good movie version of Flowers In The Attic. And also stayed tuned for my review of the worst V.C. Andrews series ever: The Hudson Saga.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Sorority Row

The scariest thing about Sorority Row is that it's even worse than it's predecessor, The House on Sorority Row. The House on Sorority Row was awful, bad acting, dull script, and one of the dumbest endings in horror movie history.

The "plot" of the film centers around a stereotypical sorority consisting of the alpha mean girl, the drunk, the geek, the nice girl, the token minority and the future corpse. But what's this the future corpse's boyfriend is cheating on her? Oh noes! The only thing to do is perform an elaborate prank that ends in an accidental death. Not wanting to get in any trouble the girls hide what they did and try to move on. Then this killer fisherman starts hunting them down and... wait wrong movie.

The actors in this film are pretty unremarkable. Audrina Partridge actually comes off as one the more interesting characters in the film, and she doesn't even make it to the second reel. Carrie Fisher is fun and bad ass as the girls' housemother but that doesn't make the film worth watching. Poor Carrie, she can do so much better.

Rumer Willis fares the worse as the slowly falling apart geek sister. Her entire role consists of her crying or worse yet screaming. Her character screams the most out of the entire film. I found myself mentally begging the killer to just do it already and spare my tortured eardrums. Rumer is a good actress, she just needs to stop taking craptacular roles like this one.

The murders are dull, no real shock value, no honest scares. Too many minor, unnecessary, characters clutter up the film and the identity of the killer and their reasons for killing, even more ludicrous than the House on Sorority Row.

Oddly enough though, the film did have some funny one liners. Had the film concentrated on the humor as opposed to the horror, this could have been a fun little movie.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

The Vampire Diaries

Let me start this review by saying I have never read the Vampire Diaries books,I am strictly reviewing the television series. If anyone can tell me what they changed in the television series I'd be most appreciative.

I am a fan of Nina Dobrev and it was because of her that I gave this show a chance. I thought I was going to hate it, but to my surprise I found myself enjoying it. Vampire Diaries is not your typical CW teen drama. It's a fun show with a great cast and decent writing.

Another pleasant surprise for me was the casting of Ian Somerhalder who used to play Boone on Lost. His portrayal of the vampire Damian is so fun to watch and oddly I find myself rooting for him even though he's essentially the villian of the show. While I don't recognize any body else from the cast, they are all pretty decent. Even though I like Nina Dobrev, her character is kind of one sided. I hope the writers concentrate more on fleshing out her character so that she seems a little less Mary Sue.

The cinematography and special effects are impressive as well. I especially like how they make the vampires "vamp out". The series does seem to borrow from various sources, I see a little bit of Bram Stoker, Lost Boys, and True Blood in mix, unfortunately it also seems to taking some cues from Gossip Girl as well.

The music used in the show is kind of irritating, mostly CW inspired douche rock but I was pleased that they used Placebo's Running Up That Hill, a personal favorite of mine.

I admit it, I like this show and will continue watching. The Vampire Diaries airs Thursday nights at 8pm on The CW.

Halloween 2

I have never ever walked out of a movie theater disappointed with a Rob Zombie film. I love Rob Zombie and for the most part approved of his take on the Halloween legacy. And I wish he had kept his word and not made a sequel.

Halloween 2 should have never been made. It is simply a rehash of the first film with a ridiculous plot line thrown into the mix. The movie has none of the intensity of the previous film and contains no truly scary moments.

My biggest beef is with the casting. A big complaint lies with the return of Malcolm McDowell and Danielle Harris. While both great actors their returns to Halloween 2 were pointless and a waste of their talents. What was the point of bringing them back from their near deaths in Halloween 1?

The Sam Loomis I knew and loved would not rest until Michael Myers was stopped. That Sam Loomis would have never been obsessed with a silly book tour and fame. All poor Danielle Harris' character got to do was stand around patting Laurie's shoulder before her pointless demise. Why bring her back at all? And what was the point of creating new friends for Laurie? They were boring and not worth the screen time.

I never could accept Scout Taylor-Compton as Laurie Strode. Her Laurie was too hyper and spastic. She had none of the quiet grace and dignity that Jamie Lee Curtis brought to the role. I was hoping that the second film would portray her a little more seriously, but instead she was even worse. I was fed up with the character before the film had even hit the halfway mark. Even the presence of Sheri Moon Zombie, another favorite actress, could not save the film for me.

I will see Rob Zombie's work but my infatuation with the Halloween reboot is over. Trust me avoid this one and simply rent Zombie's first Halloween, you won't be sorry.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Hunger Point

I would like to thank Lifetime Wow for alerting me to this film's awesomely bad existence.

We open with our main character Frannie as a child being lectured on the evils of being fat by her mother, Marsha. Her mother is played by Barbara Hershey who has seen better days. In my humble opinion she looks the Joker's love child.

Later at dinner, Marsha tears the skin off Frannie's chicken citing that it's fattening. Frannie's younger skinnier sister, Shelley insists that she needs to be on a diet as well. Marsha promptly tears the skin off her other daughter's chicken as well.

We flash forward to an older, Frannie who has severe eating issues. Shelley is equally messed up and is played by Susan May Pratt. Susan is no stranger to playing someone with an eating disorder, she played Maureen in Center Stage.

Frannie catches Shelley binging and purging and looks worried. Frannie becomes dissatisfied with her paltry meal of veggies and cottage cheese and binges as well. Shelley hospitalizes herself against her mother's wishes.

Frannie and her mom visit Shelley who sarcastically gives them a tour of the place, citing all the various eating disorders people have. After Marsha leaves, Shelley cries and worries that she has ruined her life. She goes off to get her meds and freaks out again when she catches her mother and sister discussing her.

Frannie who was laid off from her job is forced by Marsha to answer phones in her office. Frannie finds a marriage counselor's card in her mom's desk and realizes that her mom is flirting with a co-worker. She also flirts with the free sample guy at the supermarket much to her daughter's dismay. I guess no one ever told Marsha that you didn't have to put out for free samples. Then we are subjected to an awkward scene of them having a tug of war over a carton of ice cream.

Frannie has gotten a new job as a waitress and apparently has been sleeping her way through the staff. She begs her best friend, Abbie to accompany her to visit Shelley. A cute doctor tells her she has a real purdy mouth. Actually he used the word intriguing, but I like my version better.

Rather than tend to her depressed sister, she goes off to flirt with some more with the doctor. Shelley cries so hard that she has a panic attack. Frannie overhears her mom talking to her lover on the phone. She also tells him that Frannie can't take care of herself. Frannie tries to get her father to visit Shelley but he claims that he is too busy. Frannie's father is played by the same actor who played Gus in Don't Tell Mom The Babysitters Dead.

During the visit, Frannie realizes that her mom lied about Shelley filling out her Harvard application and confronts her about it. Her mother avoids the subject and Frannie tells her that she refuses to work for her anymore.

At her waitress job Frannie daydreams about the doctor. One of the co-workers she nailed licks her on the face and she is disgusted. Personally I'd be disgusted too, what kind of guy randomly licks people and at work no less. At the end of her shift, she pours wine on a rude customer's lap. She then tells his mistress to just let his wife have him.

When she gets home she finds a message for her father. Marsha's alleged lover's wife wants to have a talk with him. Frannie calls the woman instead and tells her to leave him alone. It turns out that the woman was simply ordering t-shirts from her father. Her mother insists that she is not having an affair.

Shelley is getting worse, her hair is falling out and she's cutting herself. Frannie calls the cute doctor who doesn't remember her or her sister. She has an outing with Shelley at a local diner, Shelley orders a salad that she obsessively cuts up. Some boys mock her but Frannie stares them down. Shelley later decides to leave the hospital and get her own place.

Frannie has a good interview with an ad agency and goes to the hospital to celebrate. Yes, celebrate, by blasting loud music and dancing in a mental hospital. The other patients join in the dancing and start singing. Even the nurse is dancing. But Frannie celebrated prematurely she didn't get the job.

Shelley leaves the hospital but show no signs of improvement. During an awkward family dinner, the girls' father finally stands up to their mother. This leads to an argument between the family. An upset Shelley overdoses on her meds. The pills didn't kill her though, it was the anorexia that did it. So I've learned that you can survive overdosing or being hit by a car as long as you don't have an eating disorder.

After the funeral Frannie learns that her mom wasn't having an affair with her co-worker, she was having an affair with her boss. While going through Shelley's stuff she finds a list of pro ana sites. She confronts her mom about the affair (again) and her mother tells her she's moving out.

Frannie talks to Shelley's friends and realizes that there are dozens of pro ana sites out there. She goes to see Shelley's shrink who tries to help her but she storms off. Frannie's friend tries to get her to go out but she refuses. She throws her dinner down the garbage disposal.

At the market, Frannie's father breaks down over Shelley's death. He walks in on Frannie purging and orders her to just stop it. She tries to get through to her mother who refuses to talk about Shelley. Frannie begins volunteering at her grandfather's retirement home. She meets Charlie, the grandson of one of the retirees. It's hate at first site which in a Lifetime movie always leads to true love.

Frannie gets freaked out when her father starts dating again and accepts a date with Charlie. They grow closer. It turns out the mistress of the rude customer wants to offer her a job in restaurant marketing. Her mother insists that she take the job. She finally breaks down about Shelley's death. Frannie promises her mother that nothing will happen to her.

So the movie ends with Frannie getting a dream job, dream guy, and even her parents get back together. Oh and her eating disorder vanishes without the need for therapy. And a zombie Shelley comes back to life and they all sing Kumbaya.

Ahh Lifetime, sometimes I hate you.

Next up: The film version of Flowers In The Attic.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story

Now this film will not get the play by play that I reserve for Lifetime movies. This movie was so bad that I found myself fast forwarding through a large portion of this.

In 1993, it was all about Amy Fisher. The story of a teenage girl allegedly shooting her lover's wife per his request captivated the tabloid nation. And the television movie world as well. ABC, NBC, and CBS all aired their own versions of the so called Lethal Lolita dramedy.

This one is CBS' offering and seems to be the Buttafucco's version of the events. This agonizing dull film paints the Buttafucco's as a perfect family torn apart by an obsessed teen. Joey is innocent the films screams loudly over and over.

This film is dull and melodramatic. While they did well casting Joey and Mary Jo, casting Alyssa Milano is way, way, way off. Not only does she not look a thing like Amy Fisher, she didn't make an attempt to look like her. All she does is bounce around in tight jeans and a fake Jersey accent and look embarrassed doing so. Drew Barrymore played Amy in the ABC version. She also didn't look like Amy but at least she tried.

The ending is laughable at best. Evil Amy is convicted as the vindicated Buttafucco's look on. Joey does not get busted for stat rape and he and Mary Jo embrace and live happily ever after.

Avoid this one. If you simply must watch a Amy Fisher movie then watch Amy Fisher: My Story. It isn't as smutty as Drew's or as blatantly boring as this one.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Bonnie & Clyde: The True Story

I have been a Bonnie and Clyde fanatic since I was nine. It was quite a surprise to me that somehow I missed this movie when it came out in '92.

Bonnie & Clyde impressed me with staying accurate to what really transpired between the bank robbing duo. It mentions Bonnie's first marriage and the car fire that nearly killed her. Things that were generally glossed over in other Bonnie and Clyde films. The film takes it's time with story, it simply doesn't throw the two together and instantly have them robbing banks. It also doesn't shy away from the fact that yes, Bonnie and Clyde did kill a lot of people, several of them cops.

The casting however is another story, Dana Ashbrook is too much of a pretty boy to make a convincing Clyde. To make matters worse he bears a striking resemblance to Zack from Saved by the Bell, which didn't help matters any. Tracy Needham who plays Bonnie didn't really jump off the screen. No matter how intense the scenes were, she remained bland and unconvincing.

Doug Savant plays a sheriff that was once a friend of B&C's who is now forced to pursue the felonious duo. I loved him in Melrose Place and Desperate Housewives but in this film he is just boring and has no real point in the story.

The film gets major points for the portrayal of Clyde's sister in law, Blanche Barrows. In the '67 film, Bonnie and Clyde, she was inaccurately portrayed as a hysterical fishwife constantly making trouble. She was also portrayed as having cooperated with the cops, which in real life never happened. This Blanche Barrows is more humanized and treated with a little more respect than the previous film had.

If you can look past the miscasting, this is a fairly decent television movie with a kind of Lifetime feel to it. Also it is a good recommendation for people wanting to know more about Bonnie and Clyde.

Monday, July 27, 2009

If you could rewrite any piece of fiction, what would it be and why?

My choice would be The Breakfast Club. Don't get me wrong, I love this movie and have seen it many times. Still the ending has always ticked me off.

The whole underlying theme of the film is self-acceptance. The film tells us that you don't have to what your friends and family want you to be. Be yourself, the film screams at us from every corner.

So how does this movie end? They take the cool freaky fringe chick, Allison (Ally Sheedy) and change her. The popular girl gives her some clothes and a preppie makeover and throw her into the arms of the jock character. A character who showed little attraction to her until she starts looking like everyone else.

What would have been so wrong about the jock accepting her as she was and celebrating it? The ending strikes me as something the studio wrangled together for a happier, more conventional ending

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Endless Love

It wasn't until I was 16, that I discovered that Endless Love was more than just a cheesy pop ballad. It was a cheestastic '80s film based on a rather disturbing novel by Scott Spencer. Anyone who is planning on reading this book be warned, some scenes especially the love scenes are rather detailed.

For such a bad film, it boasts a surprising case of stars. Brooke Shields, James Spader, Tom Cruise, Ian Zeiring, and Jami Gertz. It is directed by Franco Zeffrelli who directed 1967's Romeo and Juliet.

The film opens with young lovers Jade and David walking inside a human heart. Well, actually a replica of a human heart inside a museum. We later see them cuddling in the planetarium, Jade asks David what he would do if she died. He'd die too is his answer.

A teacher spots David and tells him to get lost, it turns out David crashed a school field trip in order to be with Jade. That evening, David clad in his father's tuxedo shows up for dinner at Jade's house. While David's socialist parents ignore him, Jade's family welcomes him with open arms.

Jade's parents are your typical laid back '80s parents, they allow the kids to do whatever they want. Some friends of Jade's older brother Keith (Spader) show up unannounced with booze and musical instruments. They are welcomed with open arms.

This is Ian Ziering who would later play Steve Saunders on 90210.

David and Jade are fooling around upstairs and are caught by Keith who is less than happy with his sister. David is touched when Jade refers to him as family. Meanwhile the college kids are lighting up and having a grand old time. Jade's parents jam and smoke weed right along with them.

Things quiet down as Keith's girlfriend sings (what else) Endless Love. David makes eyes at Jade while she sits on her father's lap. Eventually Jade remembers that she's supposed to be dating David and slowly, insufferably slowly, goes to him.

David pretends to leave after the party, but sneaks back in. Meanwhile Jade's mom passes up sex with her drunken husband in order to read Russian literature. (Are there any scenes in this film that have a point?)

Jade slinks on down to David while an even more insipid instrumental version of Endless Love plays. (Twenty minutes into the film and this is third time we've heard this song.) Jade and David proceed to make sweet love down by the Jade's mother actually stands there and watches them go at it. (Ewwww!)

David goes duck hunting with Keith and Jade's father, Hugh. David tries to buddy up with Keith who then delivers on of the best lines in the film "Just because you're f***ing my sister doesn't make you family." Back at the house Hugh catches David naked in Jade's bedroom. Jade is totally nonchalant about it, but David freaks out.

Hugh is also freaking out but Ann, Jade's mother, tells that it's his fault for being so open and permissive. He wants to know how she manages to sleep or study with David around all the time. Jade begins to fall asleep in class.

We rehash the same old scenes, Keith hates David, Jade and David make love, Endless Love plays for the fourth and fifth time. After an extremely awkward love scene, Jade begs David to let her sleep but he can't leave her.

Jade is caught stealing her Hugh's sleeping pills and becomes hysterical, crying about not getting any sleep. Hugh tells David that he doesn't want him seeing Jade for a month. David refuses to go and demands to talk to Jade. Ann convinces him to agree to Hugh's demands.

David overhears Keith say that Jade broke up with him. One of his friends (Tom Cruise) suggests setting a small fire outside their house and then put it out thus becoming a hero. David sits in his room blaring Kiss' I Was Made For Lovin' You and staring at Jade's photo.

To the strains of Blondie's Heart of Glass, David stalks down the street to Jade's house. (Why did this film torture us with Endless Love when it could have been rocking the disco the whole time?) There is a party going on at Jade's house and a devastated David sees her talking to another guy. He tries to call Jade from a pay phone but no one will answer.

Of course the only way to get your girlfriend's parent to accept you is to set a small fire outside their house. The fire of course quickly burns out of control and David is unable to put it out. He manages to wake up everyone and get them out (In the book the whole family was high on LSD when the fire started.) Keith knocks out David and Hugh is forced to carry him from the burning building. Inappropriately during the fire scenes another instrumental version of Endless Love plays.

David is convicted of arson, he is sent to a psychiatric hospital and banned from ever contacting Jade or her family. David is haunted by visions of Jade and sends multiple letters to her, never receiving an answer. He doesn't know that the letters are being confiscated by his doctor.

David begs his parents to get him released and they stupidly agree. He's free but still not allowed to contact Jade or even leave town. Jade and her family have moved to New York and David's dad encourages him to forget her. He then drops the bomb that he is in love with another woman and has left David's mom.

Hugh learns that David has been released and is furious. He threatens to kill David if he ever comes near him and his family. David promptly leaves for New York and tracks down Ann. Ann is less than enthused to see him. She and Hugh have divorced in the two years after the fire.

They go out to dinner and then back to her place. She recounts the time that she saw Jade and David making love. Apparently it was a life changing event for her. She admits that she made love to her husband that night and imagined it was him (Double ewwwww). She comes on to him but he pushes her away. He can't make love to anyone but Jade.

He finds out that Jade is now in Vermont and decides to board a bus later that afternoon. As he walks down the street, he is spotted by Hugh. He chases after him but is struck by a taxi cab. David is too upset to catch the bus and goes back to Ann's apartment. Keith is there and he tells David that Jade hates him. Ann begs them to stop fighting.

Ann offers to arrange a meeting for him and Jade but he refuses. He hands her a stack of letters he never got to mail. He spies Jade getting on the elevator but doesn't go after her. David's parents worry when he doesn't return home.

Jade meets David at a hotel room and you'll never guess in a million years what song starts playing. She admits to reading all the letters and worries that she ruined his life. She begs David to let her go. She tries to leave, he throws her on the bed, and then she admits that she still loves him. Sorry, that is not love that is dysfunction. They indulge in yet another awkward love scene.

The next morning, Keith calls the room and asks them to come down to the lobby. Apparently Hugh's girlfriend thinks she remembers him being at the scene of the accident. David admits the truth to a horrified Jade. The guy burnt down her house, she should know that sanity has nothing to do with her love for her. Keith beats him up and the cops take him away.

The movie ends with Jade visiting David in the mental hospital and the song Endless Love rears it's ugly head one last time.

Next Up: How can Mariah Carey screw up a movie about Mariah Carey. You'll find out in Glitter.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

The Resurrection Of The BlogRoll

Awhile ago I was a member of a blog roll type group. After awhile the blogroll kind of faded away and I was bummed. To my happy surprise the blogroll was resurrected. Here are two of the assignments.

Topic 1#:
What's the farthest you have traveled for food? Did you fly across the country just so you could have the perfect bowl of clam chowder? Did you cross the state line just for a scoop of ice cream? What was it, how far did you travel, and was it worth it?

I didn't specifically travel anywhere special for food, but there's one place I would go back to if I could. A few years ago I took a Greyhound from Seattle Wa to Winnipeg, Canada. En route we stopped at a bus terminal in Regina, and I bought a tuna salad sandwich that was just awesome. I adored it so on the trip back I ended up buying two more to enjoy.

To this day I have never tasted a tuna salad sandwich that was that amazing.

Topic 2#:

Write about what you eat when you're alone. Is it any different from what you eat when you have friends over, or even when you're eating with your s/o or kids? Why is that?

Foods I like to eat alone are what I dub "messy foods." Cheetos, hot wings, barbecue, anything that you can't pick up without getting it on your fingers. I can't eat messy foods in public. I worry that I will spill it on my clothes or get it all over my face.

When I am alone I don't worry about being a little messy, it's in fact even more enjoyable when I am relaxed.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

A Secret Between Friends a.k.a When Friendship Kills

I realize this movie was filmed in Seattle so I'll likely spend most of it looking for familiar landmarks. Amidst a beach party, some teens remark on how wild and out of control a girl named Jennifer is acting. (Filmed in my old hometown and featuring a character with my first name I'm in love.)

The other teens try to get her to eat, Jennifer flips out over her friend Lexie being there and accuses her of spying on her. It's later in the evening and Jennifer is even drunker than ever, Lexie takes this moment to apologize to her. Jennifer tells her that she hates her and runs straight into the path of a car.

It is now a year earlier we learn that Lexie has just moved from Chicago to Seattle and hates it. Lexie's mom (the fabulous Lynda Carter a.k.a Wonder Woman) assures Lexie and her little sister that everything will be alright.

At volleyball tryouts, Lexie meets Jennifer a typical Lifetime movie teenager. You know, pretty, smart, talented, doomed. The two become bff's and Lexie is likely issued a friendship bracelet and a mandatory eating disorder. (By the way, all these volleyball scenes are giving me vivid flashbacks to the nightmare known as high school gym.)

Lexie spends the night at Jennifer's house, Jennifer has a micromanaging mom and a boring obsession with a french actress from the '70s. The two stuff their faces with junk food,Jennifer promptly throws it all up and makes Lexie promise not to tell.

For some reason we get to see a shopping montage. (Red vinyl, faux leopard skins, and berets! Oh my!) Lexie and Jennifer decide they are fat and start dieting and intensively exercising. She begins to lose weight and starts getting noticed by the boys. This gives Lexie more incentive to lose even more weight.

Recognize this cutie? That's Ryan Reynolds playing Lexie's love interest.

Lexie and her sister go to visit her father for Thanksgiving. (The dad is played by Josh Taylor known for playing Dylan McKay's father on 90210 and Roman Brady on Days.) Lexie, who is hoping her parents will reunite is disgusted to learn that he has a new girlfriend.

Lexie is brushing her hair and realizes that her hair is falling out. Her mother busts in on her looking for a tampon. Lexie doesn't have any and the mom complains that she didn't have any last month either. This scene is supposed to illustrate that she stopped having her period. (For me, it illustrates that Wonder Woman is far to busy fighting crime to buy her own.)

Lexie's mother takes her to a gynecologist and wonders if Lexie has an eating disorder. The clueless gynecologist blames the missed periods on stress over the divorce. Jen is approached by a photographer (Lochlyn Munro) who thinks she could be a model. When he declares that Lexie is not model material, Jen refuses to have the pictures done.

After Lexie faints during a volleyball game, she is diagnosed with anorexia. She is sent to a clinic where she is encouraged to start eating again. In a rather disturbing scene, the clinic resorts to force feeding Lexie much to her mother's dismay. She learns that Lexie's dad authorized the forced feeding and the two argue.

Jen visits Lexie at the clinic, Lexie urges Jen to seek help but she refuses. Lexie confides in her mother who tries to get through to Jen's mom. An angry Jen refuses to talk to Lexie. Lexie blows off therapy for the aforementioned beach party. We end up seeing the exact same scenes that we saw at the beginning of the film. Jen dies not because she was struck by a car but because her heart was weak.

Depressed and feeling guilty, Lexie begins starving herself again. Lexi's mom tries to take her back to the clinic but Lexie talks her out of it. Lexie's mom takes time off of work and tries to get her to eat again. While jogging, Lexie faints again but her mom still doesn't take her to the clinic.

Lexie's dad shows up and argues with his ex-wife. He gets a court order to send her back to the hospital. Lexie packs her things and tries to run away but breaks down at the front door. She starts to eat again, and convinces her dad not to send her away.

At her triumphant return to the world of volleyball, Lexi sees Jen sitting in the bleachers, giving her a thumbs up. (I wish I was making this up.) She wins the meet and a bastardized Rocky theme fills the air. The world makes sense again.

Next up....

What do James Spader, Brooke Shields, Tom Cruise and a raging house fire have in common? You'll find on in the 1981 "tearjerker" Endless Love.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Delia's Crossing: A V.C. Andrews Novel

Ever since the day I stumbled across my stepsisters copy of Heaven, I was a V.C. Andrews addict. I read every single book I could find and was excited every time a new one came out. But soon the books just got way too terrible and I gave up.

I found Delia's Crossing in a thrift store and thought why not? Delia's Crossing isn't that bad compared to Andrew Neiderman's most recent works. It actually feels more like an old school V.C. Andrews novel.

The book centers around Delia Yebarra who lives in a small village in Mexico. At the age of 15, her parents die and she is sent to live with her aunt and two cousins. In typical V.C. Andrews fashion, she has the cruel mother figure and the jealous manipulative cousin. However in a rare twist, she has a positive relationship with a male cousin that doesn't involve him falling in love with her.

Even though the novel has a Mexican heroine, it doesn't resort to stereotypes. One of my many complaints of the Hudson series was how they dealt the character of Rain. Rain was a character with a black father and a white mother. Every few pages we were reminded that she was part black and then reminded that she didn't act black. After all she didn't use street slang or listen to rap, stereotype city.

Sadly while the incest plot line is refreshingly absent, the rape scenes are alive and well. Poor Delia suffers not one but two attacks in a single book.

Thankfully Delia isn't hindered by all the usual Mexican stereotypes. The novel shows more respect than usual for her culture. What's even more refreshing is the character of Edward, Delia's gay cousin. The book actually portrays his relationship with his best friend as a positive thing. In fact I was more interested in Edward's romance than Delia's.

All in all this book was a surprise, if Andrew Neiderman can continue to write the V.C. Andrews like this one, I may start reading them again. I actually would like to read the other books in the Delia series. If you, like I, were turned off by the more recent books, I suggest giving this one a try.

Now back to the movie world. Thursday, I will be reviewing A Secret Between Friends: A Moment of Truth starring the fabulous Lynda Carter.

Friday, June 12, 2009

She's Too Young

This film is an overprotective parent's wet dream. Melodramatic, totally out of touch with today's teenage, and wonderfully cheesy. What they should have named this flick is Girls Gone Mild.

We meet three teenage girls, Becca (Megan Park), a wildly promiscuous girl with strict parents. Dawn (Miriam Armstrong), a mildly promiscuous girl with the cool single mom. And last but not least our heroine, Hannah (Alexis Dziena) , who's still a babe in the woods. These girls are introduced to us in a montage of lip gloss, fishnets, and bad indie music.

Hannah, Dawn, and Becca used to be friends and are now hanging out again. Hannah is embarrassed when her mother insists on walking her out to the car and demands a number where can she reached. After her daughter leaves, Hannah's mom expresses her concerns about Hannah riding in cars with boys on a school night. (At least when Drew Barrymore did it, it was entertaining).

Becca and her boyfriend Nick promptly ditch Hannah and Dawn so that they can go to a motel. Really Lifetime, you expect us to believe that a 16 year old boy with a car and no parental supervision would waste money on a motel in order to hook up. I'm afraid that someone has confused real teenagers with characters from 90210.

Dawn and Hannah engage in typical teenage chitchat when one of Nick's friend, Bradley approaches them. He wants Hannah to come his car and listen to music (what no hotel?), Hannah declines and Dawn ditches her to go instead. Some random extras whisper about what a slut Dawn is while Hannah is forced to call her mom for a ride.

The next day, we see Nick ask Hannah out. Nick goes home to his cold, empty mansion and broods while drinking a beer. He later opens his inbox which is overflowing with mail from countless adult websites. Dawn lectures her younger sister about her homework and watches her mom with her latest boyfriend in disgust.

Hannah's mom runs into Dawn's mom and learns that Hannah is going out with Nick that weekend. We see Hannah in her room playing the cello. Her room just screams innocent with tons of books, trophies, and ceramic figurines. No fourteen year old I have ever met has collected ceramic figurines.

In yet another montage, Becca sluts up her appearance in the school bathroom while an upset Dawn goes to the nurse's office. She has a mysterious sore in her mouth, dun, dun, dun. Good god, another freaking montage, Lifetime you're killing me. House party, promiscuous teenagers, wine coolers, joints, etc etc etc. I never ever drank wine coolers when I was a teenager, that sort of thing was mocked even then.

Hannah's bumps into her best friend, Tommy (a.k.a The Smartest Person In This Film). Tommy tries to convince her to leave with him, but Hannah's not budging. Hannah and Nick go back to his fortress of solitude and go hottubbing. He just happens to have some girls' swimsuits lying around, this fails to ring any warning bells for Hannah.

Hannah bumps into Becca after church, Becca is shocked that Nick didn't try anything with her. Back at school, Dawn learns that she has syphilis. Poor Miriam Armstrong, she played a character with gonorrhea on Degrassi. The school nurse asks her how many sexual partners she has had, Dawn tells her about 20.

Hannah and Nick gone on another date, watching movies in his ice palace. He tries to get her to go all the way, but she refuses. They do end up doing everything else though. Hannah goes home and IM's Becca, she is disappointed that it wasn't the romantic experience she thought it would be.

The girls are all at Becca's house where the viewers are treated to an excruciating Bring It On homage. Dawn casually spills the news that she has syphilis. Hannah is understanding but Becca implies that she is a slut, Dawn leaves.

Later Nick, Bradley, Hannah and Becca hang out on the sofa drinking, Becca is bitching about how slutty Dawn is. They go upstairs to watch an adult film, Hannah is disgusted when she realizes that Nick intends for her to hook up with Bradley. She tearfully storms out leaving an eager Becca to entertain both guys.

The school nurse urges Nick to get tested and to name the girls he's been with. A cocky Nick refuses and tells the nurse that he's done almost every girl in school. In order to stop "the largest syphilis cluster in the town's history", they decide to alert anyone who may be at risk. Becca's mom demands to know if she is at risk, Becca lies and says she isn't. Dawn's mother also finds out and she admits it.

Hannah is brushing her teeth when she discovers that she has a sore as well. Hannah's parents hear about what's going on but Hannah says that she's fine. She goes up to her computer and researches syphilis. Gotta love Internet searching in the movies, all the information you need is always on the web link shown. Deadly, open sore, hair loss, and a bunch of pictures that made ma glad that I wasn't eating while watching this.

Hannah and Becca get tested and both have it. Hannah and Dawn later get drunk off wine coolers and discuss sex. Dawn's mother comes home to find Dawn passed out and Hannah getting sick in the bathroom. Hannah's parents take her home and Hannah tells them she has the "Big S"

Hannah's mom goes on the warpath and tries to make the others' parents more aware of their kids' actions. This leads to Hannah being harassed by her fellow students. At a school meeting the parents defend their little darlings while they buy beer and steal porn. Hannah is at home being harassed by online messages. She runs off crying.

Becca learns that she is being sent to a Christian school, Becca promptly sneaks off. Hannah's mom comes home and finds the rude messages on her computer. She learns that there is a party going on at Brad's. Dawn is supposed to be grounded but she sneaks out with Becca.

Hannah is over at Tommy's and they kiss. She tries to push things further but he refuses, an upset Hannah runs off. Becca and Dawn talk about starting over and not being sluts until Becca goes off with a couple of guys. Hannah tries to call Dawn or Becca, but Dawn's grounded and Becca is um occupied.

Hannah winds up at the party where Bradley tells her Becca is downstairs. Once there though he tries to rape her. Nick ineffectually attempts to stop it but Tommy shows up and saves the day. Becca returns home and begins to cry. Dawn and her mom are hanging out ignoring her younger sister who sneaks upstairs to try on Dawn's clothes.

Tommy brings Hannah back to his place and calls her parents. Everybody makes up and they all live sexlessly ever after.

New Post Coming Soon

For the last week my internet was consistently going out. After having three different cable guys come to our house, it's finally working again. Expect weekly or biweekly posts from now on. Tomorrow afternoon I will be posting a my review of She's Too Young. I will also be reviewing Love Comes Softly over the weekend.

On another note I am looking for suggestions for more Lifetime (or similiar) movies to review. If anyone has any suggestions, I would be grateful.

Until tomorrow.........

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Swearing Allegiance a.k.a Love's Deadly Triangle.

As with most of these films, Swearing Allegiance a.k.a Love's Deadly Triangle is based on a true story. It covers the 1995 murder of teenager Adrianne Jones, by Diane Zamora and David Graham. It stars Full House's Viper (David Lipper) and Charmed's Piper (Holly Marie Combs).

Without any prelude, we immediately start at the murder. Diane and David attack Adrianne before David chases her into a field and shoots her. We cut to David typing his confession on a computer. He and Diane are obsessed with one another, perfect love, blah, blah.

The scene switches to Diane and her friend Susie (Joanna Garcia) walking down the halls of their high school. Diane is blathering the same boring B.S. about David and it's all so very boring. We than pan to them wildly making out, David wants to go further but Diane can't.

"David, my virginity is something I can only give once" Sadly that was a direct quote. David sugar talks her into it very quickly and they have teh sex. It's so romantic he pawns his rifles to buy her an engagement ring.

On their way home, they stop at a local fast food place. Adrianne (a.k.a AJ) takes them their order and chitchats with David, much to a jealous Diane's displeasure. AJ's co-worker interrupts them to inform her that some guy is back.

That guy is Brian, an awkward and nervous boy that has been hounding AJ. She hides from Brian as her co-worker tries to discourage him. AJ feels bad that she's avoiding him. We go back to Diane in the car grilling David about how he knows AJ.

David and AJ meet up at a track meeting and get all hot and bothered on the bus ride home. Meanwhile Diane and mother argue about losing her virginity, Diane assures her mother that she will marry him. The groom to be however is hooking up with AJ in the woods somewhere.

Later on, David and Diane are on a date when they run into AJ and her boyfriend. Diane senses the awkwardness between them and demands answers. He admits that he has had "carnal knowledge" of AJ. Diane begins crying hysterically and throws a fit.

Rather than turn to shopping therapy, couple's therapy, or for the love of God, professional therapy, Diane decides that AJ must die. After a few scenes of AJ hanging out with her mother, she gets a call from David asking her to meet him. AJ sneaks out and gets in the truck, we all know what happens next.

AJ's mother realizes she is missing while David and Diane innocently study. AJ's body is discovered in a field and two detectives inform her mother. As they question her she remembers that a David had called AJ the night before. Her brother informs him that he saw a white truck the night before.

The detectives come into the school and begin questioning the students about the murder. David denies having ever known her and soon suspicion shifts to Brian. Brian has no memory of that night due mixing depression pills and booze.

David and Diane attend AJ's funeral but Diane begins to freak out, they vow to be honorable citizens from now on. David gets into the Air Force, Diane gets into the Navy. The detective continue to badger Brian until his father gets fed up and threatens the police. A SWAT team later storms Brian's house and arrests him. Does it really require an entire SWAT team to apprehend a single murder suspect? Brian is released after he passes a lie detector test.

At prom, Susie tells Diane that there is a rumor that she killed AJ for sleeping with David. Diane gets angry and storms out which only makes her look guilty. She assures David that everything will be fine as they dance in front of a picture of AJ.

Diane and David go off to their respective bases. Diane begins to break down and eventually confesses what she did to another cadet. Then she sticks her tongue down his throat, apparently she doesn't practice what she preaches. Diane cannot keep her trap shut and also brags about it to her roommates.

Her roommates report her to the cops but she claims that she was just joking. She is sent home anyway for the time being. Instead of going home she hightails it to Colorado where David is. Meanwhile the cops finally get a clue and begins to suspect the bumbling lovers.

They find a friend of David's that remembers that David and Diane came to his house that night covered in blood. This was obviously something that he didn't feel was important enough to tell the cops about.

The detectives tell him what his friend said and David finally confesses. His confession includes a gem about "Diane's eyes playing the strings of his heart. Blecchh! We then see the murder from David's point of view. David and Diane are arrested while Mrs Jones weeps over the loss of her daughter.

Now most of these films would have ended with the trial or some info on what happened to the couple. However this film was released before the trial had even ended. Talk about jumping the gun a little.

Next we go back to a simpler snarky time with Love Comes Softly starring Katerine Heigl.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Center Stage 2: Turn It Up

Turn it off would be a better title. I'll admit it, the first Center Stage film is one of my guilty pleasures. Anytime I see that it's on I have to watch it, I was hoping the sequel would have some of that so bad it's good magic.

The movie centers around Kate Parker a plucky dancer who wants to join the American Academy of Ballet. She doesn't make it in but luckily finds a job at a trendy nightclub to make ends meet. She falls for former hockey player turned ballet dancer, Tommy. Will Kate ever become the prima ballerina she wants to be? Will Tommy choose fame and fortune over true love? Anybody who's ever suffered through a bad dance movie knows the answers to these questions.

Worse yet, you don't hear about what happened to Jody, Eva, Maureen etc etc from the first film. Cooper returns as does Jonathan but they seem to be playing different characters. Jonathan is no longer the stern perfectionist that we loved to hate. In fact, the movie ends with his lips firmly latched on to Kate's firmly toned rear.

Cooper is no longer the suave superstud he was. He is more like that guy who graduated ten years ago but still attends all the high school parties. They mention that his company lost it's funding and don't even touch on what happened to Jody. I mean this is the character that turned her back on the Academy in order to join Cooper's company. She deserved at least a mention if nothing else.

Kate is simply irritating. She is supposed to be a determined self-taught dancer but falls apart every time something goes wrong. She allegedly taught herself to dance because her father refused to pay for ballet classes. But she tools around in a very snazzy car and carries an expensive cell phone around. At one point, she is supposedly sleeping on the streets but manages to look perfectly coiffed at all times.

The only redeeming feature of this film was using The DNC's Swing Baby Swing. I fell in love with that song at first listen and have been listening to it non-stop since.

Next up on the chopping block: Love's Deadly Triangle: The Texas Cadet Murder. A tawdry little tale about sex and murder starring Full House's Viper and Charmed's Piper.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Go Ask Alice

Interestingly enough Alice isn't even important enough to warrant her cover. Instead we get a romance novel cover featuring William Shatner and Andy Griffith.

Go Ask Alice was an alleged true memoir of an anonymous girl's descent into drug use. It was later revealed to be a fraud penned by Beatrice Sparks who is no stranger to fake memoirs. IF you wanna know more about the book there is a great review at Dibbly Fresh.

We meet "Alice" who has just purchased a new diary. She fills us in a little bit about her life. Her dad (William Shatner who is nearly unrecognizable in mutton chops and thick glasses) has accepted a new teaching position and the family has to move to another town. Alice babbles about the usual teenage stuff, wanting to be more secure, have friends, lose weight etc etc etc.

The opening of this film assaults us with a warbly off-key version of Jefferson Airplane's White Rabbit. We also random shots of "bad kids" smoking the reefer. Sadly Alice is too boring and socially awkward to fit in, luckily for her she meets Beth who is as awkward and boring as she is.

Beth eventually goes off to camp for the summer and Alice meets Chris, a popular druggie. She invites Alice to a party where she accidentally takes LSD. Because a bunch of grinning teenagers passing around a tray of sodas saying "Button, Button, who's got the button," isn't a huge hint of what's to come. Alice is a moron.

Alice enjoys her trip but later writes in her diary that it will never happen again. Two minutes later she goes off to do more drugs. Summer is over, Alice is pretty, popular, and high all day. Alice has a new boyfriend, a John Travolta lookalike named Richie who is also a dealer. She also blows off Beth in favor of Chris.

Alice's family has no clue what's going on. In a funny scene, Alice and her friends do coke in the living room. Her parents waltz in with a birthday cake and doesn't notice that anything is wrong. Her father who is supposed to be a college professor can't tell when a group of teenagers are doing drugs. Come on, her preteen brother figured it out before they did. A TA who works for the professor figures it out ten minutes after meeting her, leading me to wonder what drugs are parents on.

After one of Richie's dealer friends get busted, Alice reluctantly peddles drugs to junior high schoolers. Alice's parents find her pill stash but Alice lies her way out of trouble, and then hightails it to Richie's. She catches Richie in bed with Chris's boyfriend and steals some money from him. 200 whole dollars, I doubt even in the '70s that would have lasted long.

Chris and Alice board a bus and promise one another that they will stop using. She then wakes up on a park bench with Chris nowhere to be seen. She has apparently been hanging with a junkie named Doris (McKenzie Phillips, throwing herself into the role.) Alice is stunned to learn that Doris is 14 and a hooker. Before she can run off, Doris hands her her diary and Alice doesn't remember what she has written.

Alice then babbles to her diary about it having only been a months since they ran away. Apparently they have traveled to random cities such as Dallas and Pheonix, not finding jobs but plenty of dope. She tries to read her diary but it upsets her so much that she tears the pages out and cries.

She winds up a teen shelter run by a priest (Andy Griffith). She tries to get him to read her journal but he won't. Instead he convinces her to face up to her problems and go home. Andy Griffith is the most interesting and smartest character in the whole damn film. We are also treated to a crazy flashback where Alice allows Chris to be raped so that she can get more dope.

Alice returns home and goes back to school, but sobriety is no friend of Alice's. Chris is gone and Beth is now popular with a lot of friends. She can't be seen with Alice due to her junkie past. The junkies try to force Alice to use again. In the real world junkies don't care what you do as long as you don't narc. And seriously I think your so-called best friend would be doing everything she can to keep you sober.

Recognize this handsome young actor playing a junkie cashier who taunts Alice? Yes, that is Robert Carradine from Revenge of the Nerds.

Alice is babysitting after another junkie named Jan fails to show up. Jan shows up later high as a kite, Alice is forced to call the cops after Jan gets aggressive. Back at school Jan threatens to plant dope on Alice's father and get Alice's brother hooked on drugs. Alice begins to confide in her father's TA, Joel who asks her out on a date.

Alice is babysitting again and takes a soda out of the fridge which is laced with LSD. (In the book I believe it was chocolate peanuts that were laced.) Apparently someone managed to sneak the soda into the house without anyone noticing. Some baby sitter Alice is.

Alice wakes up in a hospital and everything turns rosy posy. Her parents believe her story, Beth decides to be her friend again and Joel is more in love with her than ever. Such a perfect happy ending.

Until Alice dies of an overdose. She conveniently stopped keeping a diary so nobody knew whether she took them willingly or not. Her mother who narrates this seems unconcerned that her daughter has died. She's too busy lecturing the viewer about the evilness of drugs. The whole movie whittles down to the biggest lesson you will ever learn.

"Drugs are bad.....mmmkay."

This film will only be watchable by people who used to love the movies that you were forced to watch in health class. If you thought the book was over dramatic, you ain't seen nothing' yet.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

She Fought Alone

Seriously what's up with this cover? I don't remember him being that tall when the two of them were on 90210 together. This movie has a fun casting fact. In the film She Cried No, Zach (Mark Paul Gosslear) from Saved By The Bell rapes D.J. (Candace Cameron) from Full House. In She Fought Alone, Zach's girlfriend Kelly (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen) gets raped by D.J's boyfriend, Viper (David Lipper).

Tiffani plays Caitlin, a new girl accepted into the most popular group in school. Caitlin falls hard for Ethan and the two hook up. Caitlin learns that Ethan is no longer interested and she is expected to hook up with his friend, Jace. Jace is less than enthused by her rejection and rapes her.

Unfortunately for Caitlin, no one believes that she was raped including her own mother. Jace and the rest of the popular crew vow to shut her up. However shutting her up consists of graffiti, nasty notes, and prank phone calls.

Caitlin has the opportunity to graduate early but her mom won't let her. After all she can't miss prom or graduation. Ahh prom and graduation with a bunch of people harassing you, memories like that can't be bought. The school is equally unhelpful protecting her, the boys punishment is being banned from a couple of games, which only succeeds in making them angrier.

Caitlin's supposed best friend leads her into a trap where the popular boys hack off her hair and threaten her. Only then does Ethan feebly "stands up" for her, too little to late in my opinion. Eventually Caitlin sues the school and of course wins.

The ending is extremely surreal. Caitlin is heading off to college but first she visits her former best friend. The friend is pregnant with Jace's baby and it's implied that she was raped too. Her excuse for betraying Caitlin was that if she really had been raped, it would've made them look like whores. Okay, that makes sense really.

She visits Ethan, who is staying behind and actually feels sorry for him. She even kisses him before saying goodbye. Don't pity the guy who barely stood up for you while his friends harassed you. Do doughnuts in his driveway while flipping him off.

To make this film's ending even worse, she has a flashback/montage of all the good times she had with the crew set to Blues Traveler's Hook. One of her fond memories is running through a field crying, with her hair hacked off. Ahh good times.

Next up for review Go Ask Alice.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

No One Would Tell

This film is hard enough to take seriously without being hindered with this cover. Fred looks like he's telling her that she has something in her teeth. Candace doesn't look frightened she looks like she's about to shove him into a locker and take his lunch money. Like most of these films it was based on a true story.

It's a typical Lifetime plot. Perfect boy meets perfect girl, boy and girl are nauseatingly happy for about five minutes. Boy becomes abusive, girl keeps forgiving him until growing a pair and dumping his ass. Don't expect a happy ending though, tragedy is looming.

The main problem with this movie is the casting. Fred Savage is unconvincing as the villain, he should stick to comedies and more light-hearted fare. Candace Cameron, normally I love her acting but she is so shrill and annoying in this it makes my head hurt.

The real schmaltz of the film is at the ending. We are treated to a lecture about not looking the other way when someone's being abusive. This lecture is delivered by Sally Jessy Raphael, replaying a bunch of scenes to the film set to a song called No One Would Tell.

Don't get me wrong I respect the message of the movie, I just hate the way it was delivered. The film also stars Michelle Phillips, Eric Balfour, and Justina Machado.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

She Cried No

This film was originally released as She Cried No. However, for some insane reason it was retitled Freshman Fall. What kind of title is that nobody physically falls from anything, this title would have been more appropriate for Dying To Belong.

The adult in me wants to write that this movie is a lot better than most television films. The adult in me wants to praise it's portrayal of date rape, a topic that is something every girl should know about me. The teenager in me however wants to mock the god awful wardrobe. She also wants to squeal "Oh my god, Zach Morris is raping D.J. Tanner."

Candace Cameron plays Melissa, a freshman who goes to a frat party and gets raped by one of her brother's friends. She goes appropriately nuts for awhile before deciding to press charges. Unfortunately due to the fact that she was drunk the night of the party and didn't press charges right away, justice is too difficult to find.

Candace Cameron is a cutie but is cursed with mom jeans and boxy little vests throughout the film. Mark Paul Gosslear is actually a major a-hole in this film, refusing to accept what he did throughout the film.

The film also stars Nikki Cox and Jenna von Oÿ as Melissa's roommates. I normally adore Nikki Cox but she was flat out boring in her scenes. Jenna however was absoultely heart-breaking as a girl who suffers a smiliar fate as Melissa but with more disasterous results.

Stay tuned for when I review No One Would Tell a.k.a Kevin Arnold beats up D.J. Tanner.