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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer is the saddest, most incoherant, most blatant rip-off of a film that I have ever seen. And that's saying a lot, I've seen Troll 2. In fact that is so bad that I am going to break my rules and spoil the ending. Because if I can stop one person from wasting time with this I'll have made a difference.

In a small Colorado town, some teens decide to play a little joke on the 4th Of July. Unfortunately the joke goes awry and one of their friends winds up dead. The teens immediately make a pact not to reveal their roles in his death and go their separate ways. Sound familiar? Oh yeah it's the freaking plot as I Know What You Did Last Summer only less interesting.

Fast forward time, main heroine feels guilty, people die, everyone's a suspect yadda yadda yadda. Then we finally find out who the killer is. Ben Willis, yes that Ben Willis, our favorite hook-wielding fisherman from the first two installments. What's this film have to do with him? Absolutely nothing.

See now Ben is an evil vengeful spirit whose main hobby is killing teenagers who have covered up their roles in murders. Come on, we could not even get a vague little connection to the previous films. Like the kid who died was Ben's other unknown son. Or how about the heroine was the daughter of the survivors of the film. They could have easily hired actors who look like older versions of Jennifer Love Hewitt and Freddie Prinze Jr. Or have them killed off and pay the actors to allow them to show a photo or something.

Not that making sense of the plot would've helped the film any but it certainly would've been less annoying. Avoid at all costs.

The only interesting thing about this film is that Torrey Devito who played Hot Creepy Nanny Carrie on One Tree Hill stars as one of the teens. And did I mention avoid at all costs?

Monday, September 8, 2008

Dawn: Portrait Of A Teenage Runaway

Dawn: Portait Of A Teenage Runaway is a deliciously cheesy tv movie that stars The Brady Bunch's Eve Plumb and soap star Leigh J. McCloskey. The films centers around the aforementioned Dawn, a 15 year old who runs away from her alcoholic mother and winds up in California.

Due to her age and lack of experience, Dawn quickly winds up sleeping on the streets. She is befriended by Alexander, a teenage hustler who takes her in. Alexander is perfectly willing to take care of Dawn with no strings attached.

However Dawn feels increasingly useless and is desperate to make an income. She meets Frankie Lee, a teenage prostitute who introduces her to Swan, her pimp. Soon Dawn is working the streets and suffers abuse from Swan when she doesn't toe the line.

Alexander becomes worried about Dawn's health and enlists the help of Dawn's parole officer. The two team up to convince Dawn to give up the night life and return home to her now sober mother.

This movie is perfectly cheesy. I love the fact that Dawn becomes a hooker simply because she wants to help support Alexander. Her "bad girl" act is laughable and it doesn't help when she still looks like Jan Brady. The character of Swan is the epitome of the stereotypical pimp but can convincingly be charming one moment and scary the next.

The best part of the film is the character of Frankie Lee played by Marguerite DeLain. Even though the character is only supposed to be 17 but she looks 30. I tried looking up the actresses' age but IMDB does not have it. The movie features a very small role by Anne Ramsay of Throw Momma From The Train and Goonies fame.

The film also features the song "Cherry Bomb" by the Runaways. The Runaways were a '70s all girl rock group that included Joan Jett, Lita Ford and Michelle Steele of The Bangles. The song was also featured in the film Dazed And Confused.

If you have the good fortune to find this film and you are into cheesy teensploitation films then you will love this. The movie also spun off a sequeal called Alexander: The Other Side Of Dawn. I have a request, I honestly didn't like the character of Alexander and this film is hard to find. Can anyone who has seen the film tell me how it ends? I only wanna know if Dawn and Alexander hook up in the end.

Finally Someone Said It........

I mentioned this in my moral ambiguity in the '80s article. I am tickled pink that Robot Chicken covered this for one of their skits.