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Monday, November 15, 2010

True Confessions Of A Go-Go Girl

    Attention Lifetime: Next time just have the balls to do a movie about a stripper and save us a lot of pain. We meet plain Jane (Chelsea Hobbs) who commits the grievous sin of forgoing law school in order to (gasp) act. Her parents are against the idea so they refuse to support her decision.

    Jane meets some random stripper go-go dancer named Angela. Angela informs Jane that guys will pay lots of money to see a girl dance fully clothed. At the same time her acting professor wants her to create an alternate persona as an assignment. Jane considers this the best of both worlds and throws herself into it.

    Jane now flush with cash moves in with Angela whose druggie boyfriend has just stolen all her cash. Jane indulges her bad girl behavior at night while trying to keep her head above water. She is such a bad girl that she starts wearing black clothing and pleasuring her boyfriend in public. Unfortunately her new found persona falls flat at school as she is tempted to take drugs but doesn't.

    Angela continues to fall apart and becomes increasingly jealous of Jane's success. She gets fired for showing up high and flashing her bosoms. Jane and Angela audition at a higher end club that's less go-go and more ho-ho. Angela is told to get a boob job and Jane is offered a job which only fuels Angela's jealousy.

    Jane takes the job and continues to keep it from her boyfriend. She confides in Donna, an older go-go dancer that he just wouldn't understand. Donna is played by Rachel Hunter. What the hell happened to poor Rachel that she would be reduced to treacle like this?

    Unfortunately, Jane's father and boyfriend show up at the strip club and catch her big debut. Here's a question: Why would her boyfriend and father be going to strip clubs together? Kind of creepy if you ask me. Her father begs her to quit and promises to pay her not to strip and her boyfriend dumps her.

    Jane finds out that Angela is working a sleazy club sans her top. Oh, the horror, the unfathomable horror. She promises to quit if Jane joins her for a bachelor party. Like a moron, Jane accompanies her to a storage room full of drunk middle aged men. The unthinkable happens, one of the men has the audacity to treat Jane like a sex object. Angela is forced to mace a party goer and the girls make their escape.

     Due to her unexplained absences and overall bad acting, Jane is kicked out of acting school. Angela dies from a botched boob job. I am not kidding. A botched boob job. Lifetime just hit a new low in melodramatic stupidity.

     Jane learns the error of her dirty sinful ways but learns that Angela stole her mother's earrings and pawned them. Donna loans her the money to buy them back and Rachel Hunter dies a little inside. Jane confesses everything to her clueless mother who can't understand how her little girl could fail so epically.

     Everybody forgives Jane including her acting professor and Jane hangs up her stripper heels. She passes her class, reunites with her boyfriend, and learns a larger lesson in life.

    Seriously, Lifetime, seriously? Go-go dancing? You couldn't have just made it about a stripper? The main character spends her half the movie writhing on stage but don't you dare treat her like a sex object. And we're supposed to believe that men will waste hard earned money on a fully clothed woman, they can see that for free.

     And Rachel, all is forgiven, this awful movie wasn't your fault.