V: (The Second Generation) by Kenneth Johnson

  This is what the latest remake of V should have been. In fact, this was what the remake would have been until Warner Bros decided to remake the series completely. Nothing against the newer V series, I did like it and was bummed when it was cancelled.

  

   But this version of V is in a word awesome. It's pays tribute to the show's history and manages to create new story lines that keep the story fresh. First of all, it did what the new series did not, bring back all the old characters not just Diana. In fact, Diana barely came back, the remake flanderized her and wasted the talents of the phenomenal Jane Badler. 

  The novel takes place 20 years after the original series ended. The Visitors are in full control of the world and having been slowly draining the world's water, turning San Francisco into a desert wasteland. The Resistance has been almost destroyed in the Great Purge of '99, leaving only a few left. Things change when a new race of aliens arrives to help the humans take back their planet.

  Starting off, most of the old favorites are back. Mike, Juliet, Willy and Harmony, Robert, Martin, and Diana are all back. There is also the introduction of the second generation who are well written and fit seamlessly with the older series. Particular favorites are Emma and Nathan, former Visitor sympathizers turned vigilantes. And Ruby, Juliet's scrappy half-breed daughter, who avoids being a stereotypical Mary Sue like a lot of child characters turn out to be.

  I wasn't too crazy about the newer alien race; they were rather bland with no real back story. In fact, most of their story was observations on how hot the alien babes were. If I wanted to read alien porn, I would. My biggest quibble with the book was the absence of Robin and her half-breed child, Elizabeth.

  Robin and Elizabeth were an integral part of not only the original mini-series but also the following television series. The alien birth scene is probably one of the most memorable in Sci-Fi history and they don't even warrant a mention. At least scribble a couple of lines about them dying in the purge or whatever. To add insult to injury, Robin's father is a major character in this novel and all he utters is some throwaway line about Mike saving his daughters, just insulting.

 Still this is a great novel, if you loved V or even just love a good Sci-Fi novel, then check it out. You won't be disappointed. 

Alien Nation #1: The Day of Descent by Judith &Garfield Reeves-Stevens

Normally I am not a fan of tie-in novels. While there are some good ones out there, there are plenty more mediocre ones as well. But since I was a huge fan of the Alien Nation series, I had to give this one a shot. This is definitely one of the good ones.

Day of Descent is sort of a prequel to the original series. It picks up just after the season finale left off, with George’s wife and daughter in critical condition after a terrorist attack. While waiting in the hospital George and his son, Buck relieve the events that led to them crash landing on Earth.

Meanwhile, George’s partner, Sikes reveals his first encounter with the aliens to his Cathy, his alien love interest.

I loved being able to delve into George’s past while on the slave ship and how he got the courage to revolt. Buck’s story line about being torn between family and duty was also well-written, though it was hard seeing him as a child as opposed to the teenager we saw in the series. I loved getting a more proper feel for their lives before breaking free from their captors.

I wasn't too fond of the Sikes story line  nothing against the character, I just couldn't get into it. The whole finding out about the aliens/government cover up was done in V and much better in my humble opinion. I found myself being disappointed when the story would shift to him and pretty much skimmed the chapters until I got back to the slave ship.

If you were a fan of the series, then this book is a must read. It gives you a better appreciation of the characters and fills in a lot of necessary back-story. I look forward to reading the other books in the series. 

Horrifying Non-Horror or Oh Hai, Romy & Michelle.

 

 As far as '90s movies go, Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion is a personal favorite. It had likable characters, a solid cast, and an awesome soundtrack. It was the magic of this film that made me stupid enough to seek out this insipid prequel.

  The prequel could have had excellent casting had the casting director not mucked it up. Katherine Heigl plays Romy who was the smarter half of the duo in the original film. She plays Romy as an absolute ditz, same with Alexis Breckinridge who takes the ditzy role of Michelle and makes her more serious and smarter. Had they simply switched roles this movie might have been more tolerable. Maybe the people who made this film couldn't tell the characters apart but the fans could.

  We meet up with a post high school Romy and Michelle who are desperate to leave Phoenix. Inspired by their new favorite movie, Pretty Woman, they decide to move to Hollywood and become hookers. Since this was made by ABC Family, they obviously don't go through with their goal. They are befriended by Donna, a transgender Fairy Godmother who takes the poor girls in. Donna is by far the most likable and entertaining character who should have gotten more of a plot.

   The plot of the original Romy & Michelle was actually relatable. It was about two high school outcasts hoping to show up their former tormentors. The plot of the prequel: Romy & Michelle are desperate to get into a trendy nightclub. This is not a movie plot, this is something you would fined in a typical sitcom or teen drama. 

   There are other more inane subplots, such as the girls’ lucky red shoes whom the original owner is desperate to get back. There’s an insecure model threatening to end the girls’ friendship. There is also a romantic subplot with two actors completely lacking in chemistry. They even trot out a shy maid with musical aspirations to butcher a Cyndi Lauper song. And of course a completely random cameo by Paula Abdul that makes no sense.

  The ditzy duo learns that they should be their selves and not try to fit in with everyone else. This is a lesson that they will completely years later and will have to learn all over again.

    I was at best hoping to find a cute little TV movie to bide my time. This was seriously an in name only movie that felt more like a drawn out cheap sitcom sans the laugh track. Save yourself the agony and simply rent the original instead.

Rise of the Zombies...and my lunch

Very rarely do I hate a zombie movie. The zombie genre is one of my favorites and if you have read my blog, you know I am not afraid of terrible movies. But Rise of the Zombies goes beyond terrible; it is heavy handed and downright unpleasant.

 The movie centers around a group of survivors who have been living on Alcatraz Island. However their safety is soon compromised when the zombies begin to infiltrate. The group decides to return to the city in the hopes of finding a cure. One of the survivors played by LeVar Burton opts to stay behind and basically spend the whole film having his talents wasted.

Speaking of wasting talent, Danny Trejo also stars in this film and dies in the first reel. This is the same thing that ticked me off about the Day of the Dead remake when Ving Rhames died early. You do not cast bad ass actors in a zombie film and kill them off. Trejo was the main reason I gave this movie an ounce of my attention.

One of the main plots of Rise is a pregnant woman named Ashley. Ashley is a pessimist who believes that her pregnancy is more of a curse than a joyous event. This was a pretty decent plot that was literally squashed in one of the worst scenes I have ever seen.

Our survivors come across a pregnant woman who is trapped in an ambulance and in labor. Unfortunately our mom to be is turned and the survivors are forced to do a C section to save the baby. The baby initially is fine and the scene is rather heartwarming. That is until the baby turns into a zombie and promptly has its head smashed in.

I have seen a lifetime of blood and gore but that scene turned my stomach. It also ruined any respect I had for the movie. To make matters worse, Ashley kills herself later on resulting in yet another infant death in this movie.

The rest of the movie consists on wasting the talents of Ethan Suplee and Mariel Hemingway, religious discussions and a tacked on "optimistic ending." With this movie, SYFY hit a new low in poor taste. When you fail as a SYFY movie, you kind of fail the movie industry all together.

Sleepaway Camp 3: The final nightmare.

Once again reminding us that there are better movies out there

After a long hiatus, I have returned. What better way to start a new year by finishing something I had started last year. It’s time to cover the final installment in the increasing shit storm know as the Sleepaway Camp series.

I have to start this review by stating that Angela has one of the stupidest motives in slasher history, stupider than Michael Myers’ thorn cult. Her motive is summer camp and not in the way that Jason Voorhees sees summer camp. She obviously loves bug juice and macrame art so much that she would kill for it.

Since part 2 and 3 were filmed back to back, the action takes place at Camp Rolling Rock now rechristened Camp New Horizons. In an effort to drum up some good publicity, the owner’s are hosting an outreach program for rich and poor teenagers.

Angela is really devoted to her motive. In the days before Facebook, she manages to get a hold of the list of the campers. She manages to find someone who looks enough like her so that she can use her I.D. without suspicion. She steals a truck in order to kill her and steal her stuff. She even takes the time to indulge in a little graffiti art.

Let’s condense this film, shall we? Most of the kids are assholes begging to die. The fact that Angela looks so old is mentioned in increasingly unfunny jokes. There are random acts of nude scenes and a very uncomfortable sex scene involving Michael Pollard. I understand that sex scenes are a staple of slasher films but this was just unpleasant. It was so graphic that one might have mistaken that scene for a bad porno instead of a bad horror film.

There are a couple of assets that makes this film a little more likable than its predecessor. One was the introduction of Officer Whitman. He was mentioned in the previous installment as one of Angela’s arresting officer and the father of one of her victims. I wish they had actually devoted more screen time with this instead of offing him so quickly.

I also enjoyed the character of Marcia. She is such a likable character that even Angela decides not to kill her. Marcia is also a bad ass rather than let Angela live, she engages the psycho into a knock down drag out fight where she emerges as the victor. The film even takes time to poke a little fun in the end at the typical romances that we find in slasher films.

And Michael Pollard it’s not your fault you resorted to such dire straits for money. If I can forgive Dennis Hopper for Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, I can forgive you.

My rambling thoughts on The Walking Dead: Seed

  Walking Dead is back and better than ever. Months have passed since we last saw our zombie survivalists and they have improved with age. Sadly, Lori is still alive and sporting the fakest baby bump in the television history.

   Seriously, Walking Dead! You can afford zombie makeup and fake blood but not a realistic pregnancy pad. If money was an issue, you could have shoplifted one from a maternity store. Lindsay Lohan's fake pregnant belly was more realistic than Lori's supposed real one.

 
    It was a good idea to skip the show ahead a few months. It gives the show more story line opportunities and speeds up Lori's pregnancy. Having a baby on the show is just a bad idea all around and the sooner that storyline is resolved the better. It also helps to explain the actor who plays Carl's obvious growth spurt.

 Carl has turned into an effing bad ass and I suspect the words "Where's Carl?" will be a distant memory. I'm sure Carl's little crush on Beth is supposed to be cute but to me it's creepy. Beth is a very expendable character and I doubt she'll see the end of the season. Her musical number while pretty didn't really fit the flow of the series.

  Speaking of expendable. Is T Dog ever not going to be the token black guy? This character has survived while more major characters have died. Yet he still has no established personality or dialogue that lasts longer than two sentences.

  When did Maggie go from meek farm girl to Sarah Connor? In less than ten minutes she became my all time favorite character of the series. She and Glen are adorable and I hope there is a happy ending for this couple. Daryl and Carol, not so much. I was routing for a union between them but it doesn't seem to work. Partially the actors lack chemistry and partially it threatens Daryl's lone wolf persona that I love.

  I like this new and improved cast of characters. Without Shane gumming up the works, Rick has grown into an effective leader. The scenes where they infiltrate the prison were well done because the characters actually worked together and protected one another.

  I was disappointed in what little I saw of Andrea, she's finally evolved into a likable character and gets barely ten minutes of screen time.

   Dear Writers and Producers of Walking Dead,
   
    This is the show we all fell in love with. Do not stray from this formula. No sturm, no drang, no Lori. If you can knock this season out of the ballpark, I can finally forgive you for Season 2.

 

Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Viewers

 First I reviewed the cult classic Sleepaway Camp. And then I tackled the not so classic true sequel Return to Sleepaway Camp. Now it's time to delve into the franchises bastard half-sibling Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers.

How kind of this poster to remind us that there are better movies out there.

  I don't consider SC2 a true sequel to the original as it doesn't contain any original cast members and totally flanderizes the character of Angela, played by Felissa Rose in the original. The newest incarnation of Angela is played by Pamela Springsteen. I don't have any quibbles with the actress, she did well with the limited material that she had. The film's portrayal of Angela is a completely different story.

  A few years have passed since the original film and Angela is back at her favorite place in the whole wide world; summer camp. She loves camp so much, she wants to take it to Makeout Point and impregnate it. Camp is awesome. 

  Wait a minute Angela loves summer camp? Apparently she has fond memories of being bullied, nearly raped, having her boyfriend cheat on her with her worst enemy and of course those pesky little murders she committed. Realistically camp would be the last place she would go near. We are supposed to believe this quiet, intense, sexually confused killer would morph into a perky little chatterbox. Is that what years of shock therapy and gender reassignment surgery do to a person

   Angela is not like Jason returning simply to kill again, she's a counselor who it determined to make Camp I'm-Not-Going-To-Bother-Looking-It-Up the best camp ever. Oh wait I forgot 98% of the characters in the franchise are assholes. Sex crazed teenagers who aren't the least bit interested in camp songs and macrame. And it you are wondering how a convicted camp murderer scored a job like that, her therapists gave her great recommendations. That would be like Ted Bundy getting a job as sorority house mother, it does not make sense.

  So of course Angela has to dispose of these buzzkills or as she puts it "sending them home" I can't even appreciate the kill scenes, they are dull and some of them are really disgusting. To make it worse Angela comes equipped with puns that would make Freddy Krueger wince. 

 And of course there's the obligatory sex scenes and rampant nudity. The nudity is even written into the script as a minor plot point, showing you how desperate the filmmakers were to distract you from the mundane script and terrible acting.

   The actors are mostly unknown save for two and humorously both of them are celebrity spawn. Pamela Springsteen and Rene Estevez who you might remember also played Betty Finn in Heathers. I wished I had rented Heathers instead of this crapfest.

  Just like the poor campers of this movie, you can't go home again. Sleepaway Camp 2 has proved that fact ten times over.