Co-ed Call Girl

 Once again, I dive into the pink ghetto known as Lifetime. Like the Nostalgia Critic, I watch it so you don’t have to.

Ahh, Tori Spelling, the spoiled rotten fruit of Aaron Spelling’s loins, how I loathe her. I try not to be that person who hates a celebrity but she just doesn't make it easy. I even read her biography in a last ditch attempt to quell my hatred, it didn't work.

Tori plays Joanna, every Lifetime girl ever. She is a smart girl with a bright future, you know doomed. Her roommates hate her probably as much as I do. As a prank, they call an escort service and leave Joanna’s name asking them for a job.

They actually call her back. This escort service is so desperate that Tori freaking Spelling is a viable option!  The girl who recruits her is played by Jeri Lynn Ryan, a girl you would actually pay for. Joanna meets her favorite author and promptly beds him, getting a healthy paycheck in return.

Joanna soon learns that prostitution does not mean she can’t sleep her way through the male population of her bookshelf. Her pimp, Ron, spends half the film cajoling her and the other half threatening her. At one point he punishes her by selling her to a client for 50 bucks, which is still highway robbery.

Ron attempts some forceful sampling of his own and Joanna shoots him. She’s arrested but the courts declare her to be like totally innocent, ya’ll.  Flanked by her mother and boyfriend, she gives the pimp a triumphant glare before trotting off to her happy ending.

About that happy ending, it’s bullshit.

• ·         She was arrested and her college’s name was dragged through the mud. You really think they are not going to kick her out of there.
• ·         She also shot a man and admitted to being a hooker, you can kiss any job that requires a background check goodbye
• ·         The pimp that she shot is alive; she’s about 20 seconds away from a drive-by shooting carried out by a neckless goon named Big Lou.

Thank you, Lifetime. If it weren't for your terrible and oddly addictive movies, I could actually maintain my self-respect.

Mother May I Sleep With Danger?

Why not? You've slept with everybody else.


Next to 15 and Pregnant this is one of my favorite Lifetime Movies. It's so deliciously bad, yet you can't not watch it. Like another Lifetime "classic" A Secret Between Friends, it's set in my old hometown of Seattle.

The movie begins with a handsome young lad knocking on his girlfriend's door armed with a teddy bear. The guy is played by Ivan Sergei who you may recognize from Charmed. He becomes unhinged when he sees that she took his pictures down and promptly kills her.

We are then introduced to Laurel Lewisohn (Seriously?) played by a briefly red-haired Tori Spelling. Like all Lifetime heroines before her she has a bright future but has no time for love. Enter "Kevin" who flashes his dimples and promptly wins her over.

Unlike her daughter, Laurel's mother has a brain. She picks up on the oh so obvious warning signs emanating from her new beau. Like what he chose to wear to dinner.


Of course, Laurel is clueless. Even when he stalks her, displays signs of jealously, and acts downright abusive. She forgives him over and over again. She even dyes her hair blond like his former girlfriend used to. Because this Lifetime and they hate us.

But trouble looms on the horizon, psycho boy is obviously not "Kevin." The real Kevin has been in Alaska all this time. The real Kevin is played by Lochlyn Munro, who coincidentally starred in both A Secret Between Friends and Charmed.

Eventually Laurel wises up to her boyfriend's craziness and bails on him. Instead of say, going to the cops, she goes to a dance club and dances with another guy. "Kevin" beats him up and lures Laurel outside to talk. It wasn't that hard to lure her out, he dangled something shiny.

He talks a pretty tale about getting help but drugs Laurel's drink and kidnaps her. "Kevin", this character is clinically brain dead, you didn't need to go to all that trouble. Just tell her you're taking her out for ice cream.

Luckily for Laurel, her mother has been doing some snooping and finds out the truth. She tracks down her daughter who is being held hostage at a family cabin in the woods. Mrs Lewisohn, your daughter's an airhead and this will likely happen again, lo jack the bitch and save us some trouble.

Laurel manages to get away and we get a long boring chase scene. Mrs. Lewisohn shows up at the cabin without any police accompaniment. Like mother, like daughter I guess. She promptly gets knocked out and more boring chase scenes ensue. Tori finds a canoe but doesn't go far. Hard to paddle a canoe with only one oar. "Kevin" capsizes the boat but sadly, Laurel can swim.

Mother and daughter reunite to kick some psycho ass. Damn it, "Kevin", next time you have an axe and are five feet from Tori Spelling, use the damn thing. Laurel knocks Kevin into the water with an oar and he vanishes.

He shows up at another college dressed like a reject from Grease and finds a new blond girl to love. Hopefully she'll ask her mother before she sleeps with danger.

Death Of A Cheerleader

Death of a Cheerleader is awesomely bad. One of those you will watch it but never admit you watched it kind of films. It's loosely based on the 1984 murder of Kirsten Costas by her classmate Bernadette Protti.

Kellie Martin plays Angela Delvecchio, an overachiever who transfers from catholic school regular public school. Angela is determined to have it all, yearbook editor, cheerleader, etc etc. Even though she does end up doing pretty well in school, she still feels that she is a failure.

The bane of Angela's existence is Stacy Lockwood (Tori Spelling) a popular rich girl who obviously can't stand Angela. This slight puts Angela's OCD into overdrive and she vows to win over Stacy. This of course leads to a death of a cheerleader.

I don't like to give away endings to film but the title, DVD cover, and trailer already have, so why not? The murder happens quickly and we are stuck with watching Angela lament her actions over and over.

I felt the main waste of this film was casting Valerie Harper as Angela's mom. Despite the fact that she's a seasoned actress who deserves more, all she is is a background character in the film. The same goes for Christa Miller whose stuck with the why bother role of the older sister. To round off this waste of talented actresses, Kathryn Morris plays a stereotypical goth girl. Look fast for Terry Quinn as a rather creepy principal.

The thing that sticks out about this film is that neither of the main characters are likable. Tori Spelling is typically bland and bitchy. Kellie Martin who's supposed to be a nice girl pushed to far starts the film off as rather unhinged.

This is a film strictly for people who like bad television movies or hate themselves.