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Saturday, March 24, 2012

10 Reasons Why The Walking Dead Should Just Kill Lori

  This inspired by the College Humor article "10 Reasons Why The Walking Dead Should Just Kill Carl." Granted, Carl is annoying but he's a kid he can still mature. Lori on the other hand...

1) She is fated to: In the comics Shane and Dale died and Lori is not too far behind story line wise.

2) She's a shitty mother: She's so obsessed with her daily drama that she virtually ignores her son's existence. It's amazing that he hasn't already joined the ranks of the undead. Let her die and let Carol raise Carl.

3) She treats Rick like shit: Her husband comes back from the dead and since then has been risking his life to protect her. She repays him by turning her back on him and almost getting him killed by his best friend.

4) She treated Shane like shit: This guy is the reason she still walks the Earth. He got her out of Atlanta, he protected her and her son. She certainly had no problem with him when she was lying face down in the woods getting impregnated by him. Since Rick's return she alternated between leading him on and putting him down.

5) She's the shows "moral center" despite not having any: She's quick to judge everyone but God forbid you mentions her screw ups. She stood on the porch smugly glaring at Andrea while Maggie kicked her out. Only when Andrea is out of earshot does she attempt to defend her.

6) She's June Cleaver on steroids: Her biggest concern this season was the laundry. She even goes so far to chastise Andrea for doing "men's work" while all the women were doing chores.

7) She's a liability: She leaves the safety of the farm on a fool's mission, crashes her car on a deserted road, and almost gets eaten by a zombie. All in the span of a few hours.

8) She's expendable: Unless the shows goal is to piss off the audience then she has no place there. She's whiny, doesn't fight or even protect herself, a perpetual damsel in distress. She contributes nothing to the show except headaches.

9) She's a waste of a good actress: Check out some of Sarah Wayne Callies' other works sometimes. She is talented but is completely wasted in such a one dimensional role.

10) She's better off undead: Let's see she loves doing monotonousness chores, hates thinking for herself, and is quick to attack her loved ones. Perfect zombie material.

Monday, March 19, 2012

The Walking Dead: A Season In Review

  After a slow start, Walking Dead really stepped up to the plate and made us fall in love again. Here are just some random thoughts on this season.

   -Its about time Rick started showing some spine. This is a Rick that I want to see, not the angst ridden mess he was before

   -See this Andrea? This is the girl I want to see next season, not the suicidal butt monkey she was this season. They are wasting a great character and a talented actress. And if she bitch smacks Lori just once, she will be my hero.

  - Speaking of Lori, what a passive aggressive waste of space she has been. Half the time she was cock teasing Shane and the urging Rick to put him in his place. How can you like a character whose biggest concern is ring around the collar?
  - I was impressed by the deaths of some of the main characters. I was worried the show was going to wuss out and just kill secondary characters.

  - I must say I was shocked when one of the farmer's daughters and that other dude died. It was mostly because I forgot they even existed. No more random background characters please.

  - And speaking of random characters, can we get T-Dog a plot already? Something that doesn't involve him vanishing for episodes at a time.

  - How is it one lone gunshot can attract a forest full of zombies when a out and out gunfight didn't?

  - We finally learn what Jenner told Rick, and it was completely anti-climatic. To quote Buffy "Does the word Duh mean anything to you?"

  - Can we wrap up some old story lines next season? Like whatever happened to Morgan and his son or Darryl's brother for example.

  - We have the prison. We have Michonn. We better have the governor sooner rather than later.


  - Despite all the deaths, this particular scene was strangely heartbreaking. A subtle nod to when things were a little better for our band of survivors.

   All in all great season. I will definitely be tuning in next season.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Final Destination 5

  Let's only hope it's the final destination. I actually liked the first and second Final Destination movies. They had some creative deaths, adequate character development and subtle use of foreshadowing. That all changed in part 3 when guts and gore took precedence over story line.

   This new trend was further exasperated by the introduction of 3D. Then it all whittled down to how many body parts could be thrown at the screen. The deaths became drawn out with foreshadowing that had the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

  The plot is as the same as the others, man predicts death, man prevents death, Death gets mad and gory goriness ensues.

    What I liked about the film was the return of Tony Todd, my favorite Scream King. I also liked the introduction of trading fates. It's a great morality question, would you kill a person to save your life. This could have been a great plot addition if they had explored it more. Unfortunately it's shuttled off to the sidelines in order to focus on the gore factor.

   What I hated was the drawn out death scenes and nauseating special effects. An eye flying towards the screen is bad enough, we did not need to see it ran over by a car two seconds later. In Part 1, a painting in the background predicted one of the characters' demise. It was subtle, unnoticeable unless you were paying attention. Then the subtlety sledgehammer came along.

   Case in point: Jerk ass character goes to a massage parlor. The first thing he does is insult a Buddha statue on a shelf. We pretty much know what's going to happen but they keep going on. He falls off a table while covered in needles. Oh, and the room is on fire, how will he ever survive? And here comes the Buddha fatality just when you thought it was safe. If they were trying for suspense they failed. All the deaths are like this, long and drawn out with one too many red herrings.

   The ending was a little more creative, if predictable, and a good full circle of the movie. Please just end it there. There's no more new ground to be covered and you beat the horse to death.

Monday, March 12, 2012

A Thank You Letter To Joe Bob Briggs.

    Hey guys, sorry for the lack of posts, my birthday was 3 days ago. I am now 34 please shoot me. Recently my mother sent me a shoe box full of things from my past. I was having a wonderful time looking at old cards and photos when I stumbled across this.

   I have been a horror fan since I was 7, when my father let me watch Nightmare on Elm Street. Granted, I slept with the lights on that night but a horror fan had been born. I lived and breathed horror much to my non horror loving mom's annoyance.

   In '95 I discovered the wonderful world of TNT Monstervision. It was a my favorite program, a combination of good and not so good horror films. I also developed quite the crush on the host, Joe Bob Briggs. Don't worry it wasn't a bunny boiling crush just an innocent teen aged one.

   One day on a whim I sent him a fan letter. I had sent many fan letters throughout my youth but had never received a response back. So naturally I didn't expect one. Imagine my delight when the response came, hand written with references that proved he actually read my letter.

    So on behalf of younger me, I thank Joe Bob Briggs. He is definitely a class act and a pretty awesome guy.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Friday The 13th: The Series-The Poison Pen

Dude looks like a lady

   Antique of the week: A quill pen that makes any word written down come true.

    Micki and Ryan pose as monks in order to infiltrate an ancient monastery. Brother Currie a.k.a The Oracle of Death is the pen's owner. He uses the pen to kill those on his path to greatness.


According to Jack, the quill pen is made from the tail feather of a giant Chilean condor. The worst kind of Chilean Condor.

There is a cloistered, private fortress of a monastery smack dab in the center of the city. Yeah, I am not buying it either.

I learned that it's always a good idea to keep 14th century parchment papers lying around, just in case.

Brother Currie uses the pen to kill Ryan and Micki. But sense he knows them as Simon and Matthew, the pen doesn't work.

Aren't Ryan and Micki supposed to be related? He spends the entire episode looking like he's about to go all V.C. Andrews on his cousin.

The whole point of the plot is for Micki not to be found out. Yet sleeps in a tiny t-shirt and silk panties. In a locked room. With her cousin.

Final Thoughts: This is one of the slower episodes with a ludicrous premise. It's almost like they got a hold of a rejected Bosom Buddies script and threw in some horror. I understand that Micki needed to be in this episode but did she need to be in drag? You have to really suspend belief when the monks don't automatically suspect the busty red headed monk of being an impostor.