Dustin Diamond: Behind The Bell

To describe this cover, I'm going to borrow a word that Dustin Diamond seems to love, douchenozzle. It looks like the cast of Saved By The Bell is desperately trying to escape the book and I don't blame them. This book is less expose and more the rantings of an actor that never quite fit in.

Dustin Diamond hasn't been relevant in years. He's broke. He's one of the only people to have a sex tape and have it not boost his career. Despite this, he is still egotistical and believes that he is a God. According to him, he's got a big penis and all the ladies want him. Even though he's cashing in on being Screech, he wants you to know that he isn't Screech. Hence from now on I will refer to him as such.

Behind the scenes at Saved By The Bell, sex was in the air. According to Screech, everybody did everybody, except for him. At one point, Tiffani Amber Thiessen is alleged to have been banging both Mario Lopez and Mark Gosslear under her boyfriend's nose. Mario Lopez is alleged to have raped some gal but NBC allegedly paid her off.

Did anyone see the E! True Hollywood Story on the show? It was boring even the sleaziest of shows couldn't dredge up anything negative about the cast. In this day and age, we supposed to believe that none of this ever came to light until Screech's sob story, I mean, err tell all.

And with sex comes drugs, Screech insists that he smelled crack coming out of Tiffani's dressing room. And that Mark did steroids. He demands that you watch Saved By The Bell: The College Years for proof. Apparently teen actors in the '80s also smoked joints and drank. Shocking I know. He's judgmental of his cast mates but is quick to tell you that he smokes pot too.

While Screech is quick to expose the sex life of his cast mates, he is strangely mute about his. The only name he named was Linda Mancuso, an NBC executive. Linda Mancuso died a few years ago so she can not speak for herself. Other shocking revelations Fred Savage was snobby when he was 8 and Neil Patrick Harris is gay. I for one am stunned.

For all I know, this book could be true. Or it could be all delusions from the bitter mind of a failed television star. All I know is that it is poorly written, contradictory, and boring. There are many inaccuracies and at one point a paragraph was repeated twice. It's called an editor, Dustin, they are pretty useful. So are therapists.

All this book really exposes is that Dustin Diamond has nothing to really call his own, so he has to use other people's "secrets" to make him fell worthwhile. That is what turns this tell all into a tragedy.

She Fought Alone

Seriously what's up with this cover? I don't remember him being that tall when the two of them were on 90210 together. This movie has a fun casting fact. In the film She Cried No, Zach (Mark Paul Gosslear) from Saved By The Bell rapes D.J. (Candace Cameron) from Full House. In She Fought Alone, Zach's girlfriend Kelly (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen) gets raped by D.J's boyfriend, Viper (David Lipper).

Tiffani plays Caitlin, a new girl accepted into the most popular group in school. Caitlin falls hard for Ethan and the two hook up. Caitlin learns that Ethan is no longer interested and she is expected to hook up with his friend, Jace. Jace is less than enthused by her rejection and rapes her.

Unfortunately for Caitlin, no one believes that she was raped including her own mother. Jace and the rest of the popular crew vow to shut her up. However shutting her up consists of graffiti, nasty notes, and prank phone calls.

Caitlin has the opportunity to graduate early but her mom won't let her. After all she can't miss prom or graduation. Ahh prom and graduation with a bunch of people harassing you, memories like that can't be bought. The school is equally unhelpful protecting her, the boys punishment is being banned from a couple of games, which only succeeds in making them angrier.

Caitlin's supposed best friend leads her into a trap where the popular boys hack off her hair and threaten her. Only then does Ethan feebly "stands up" for her, too little to late in my opinion. Eventually Caitlin sues the school and of course wins.

The ending is extremely surreal. Caitlin is heading off to college but first she visits her former best friend. The friend is pregnant with Jace's baby and it's implied that she was raped too. Her excuse for betraying Caitlin was that if she really had been raped, it would've made them look like whores. Okay, that makes sense really.

She visits Ethan, who is staying behind and actually feels sorry for him. She even kisses him before saying goodbye. Don't pity the guy who barely stood up for you while his friends harassed you. Do doughnuts in his driveway while flipping him off.

To make this film's ending even worse, she has a flashback/montage of all the good times she had with the crew set to Blues Traveler's Hook. One of her fond memories is running through a field crying, with her hair hacked off. Ahh good times.

Next up for review Go Ask Alice.