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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Dustin Diamond: Behind The Bell

To describe this cover, I'm going to borrow a word that Dustin Diamond seems to love, douchenozzle. It looks like the cast of Saved By The Bell is desperately trying to escape the book and I don't blame them. This book is less expose and more the rantings of an actor that never quite fit in.

Dustin Diamond hasn't been relevant in years. He's broke. He's one of the only people to have a sex tape and have it not boost his career. Despite this, he is still egotistical and believes that he is a God. According to him, he's got a big penis and all the ladies want him. Even though he's cashing in on being Screech, he wants you to know that he isn't Screech. Hence from now on I will refer to him as such.

Behind the scenes at Saved By The Bell, sex was in the air. According to Screech, everybody did everybody, except for him. At one point, Tiffani Amber Thiessen is alleged to have been banging both Mario Lopez and Mark Gosslear under her boyfriend's nose. Mario Lopez is alleged to have raped some gal but NBC allegedly paid her off.

Did anyone see the E! True Hollywood Story on the show? It was boring even the sleaziest of shows couldn't dredge up anything negative about the cast. In this day and age, we supposed to believe that none of this ever came to light until Screech's sob story, I mean, err tell all.

And with sex comes drugs, Screech insists that he smelled crack coming out of Tiffani's dressing room. And that Mark did steroids. He demands that you watch Saved By The Bell: The College Years for proof. Apparently teen actors in the '80s also smoked joints and drank. Shocking I know. He's judgmental of his cast mates but is quick to tell you that he smokes pot too.

While Screech is quick to expose the sex life of his cast mates, he is strangely mute about his. The only name he named was Linda Mancuso, an NBC executive. Linda Mancuso died a few years ago so she can not speak for herself. Other shocking revelations Fred Savage was snobby when he was 8 and Neil Patrick Harris is gay. I for one am stunned.

For all I know, this book could be true. Or it could be all delusions from the bitter mind of a failed television star. All I know is that it is poorly written, contradictory, and boring. There are many inaccuracies and at one point a paragraph was repeated twice. It's called an editor, Dustin, they are pretty useful. So are therapists.

All this book really exposes is that Dustin Diamond has nothing to really call his own, so he has to use other people's "secrets" to make him fell worthwhile. That is what turns this tell all into a tragedy.

3 comments:

Sadako said...

Behind the Bell--heh.

I just read the Jodie Sweetin memoir. I wonder how this one stacks up. I'm also waiting the Aunt Viv #1 on Fresh Prince memoir. Still...Screech is SUCH a butt monkey!

LadyJ3000 said...

Aunt Viv is doing a memoir? I can't wait. I had heard rumors that she left due to Will Smith's ego.

testerz said...

Dustin Diamond is a total liar. Another good review on Behind the Bell can be found here: http://theslaver.com/1407