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Monday, January 11, 2010

Cradle Of Conspiracy

Unlike a lot of teen actresses in the late '90s, Danica McKellar pretty much avoided the Lifetime movie craze. So finding this one is a real treat.

Danica plays Kristin, a perfect Lifetime target. Smart, kind, bright future, she's just asking for something bad to happen to her. However the only problems she has right now are her parents who expect nothing but the best from her.

Seriously what the hell where we thinking in the '90s? I see Danica rocking the boxy denim jacket and high waisted shorts and chuckle. Then I realize that back then, people honestly believed that was a good look.

Kristin and a friend are almost run over by Kenny, who wears a leather jacket because obviously he's a bad guy. As an apology, he offers the girls a ride in his car. Kristin declines because good girls don't get into cars with strange men.

Kenny eventually wins Kristen over with promises of Hollywood and milkshakes. Kristin's fledgling relationship with Kenny concerns her mother. On their first date, Kenny takes the obviously underage Kristin to a bar. He bribes a bartender into serving them.

Kristin takes about 3 sips of beer, but that is enough to make her lose a big track meet. Is this the same super beer that made Zach Morris hit a tree after only one beer? Her mother is angry and forbids Kristin from seeing Kenny. She promptly goes to his place and loses her virginity.

Almost instantly, she gets pregnant. I guess drinking superbeer gives you super sperm. She tries to tell her mother but chickens out. She runs away with Kenny who is starting to up his creep factor a little bit. As her parents frantically look for her, Kenny takes her to an uber posh home for unwed mothers.

Kristin becomes friends with another pregnant girl, Donna (played by Melrose Place's Jamie Luner). Donna is a baby making machine who's in the middle of her third pregnancy. Literally, she's a baby making machine, the hotel pays her to be artificially inseminated and to hand over the babies to them.

Kristin's parents investigate Kenny's trailer and wind up at a house he was nearly arrested at. They meet another teen girl that was impregnated by Kenny. Super sperm, don't leave home without it. The parents begin to blame one another for Kristin's disappearance.

Kristin begins having doubts about Kenny and the hotel. Kristin's mom learns that her daughter is pregnant. Without even trying, they immediately locate the hotel via a newspaper ad. The hotel gives them the runaround so they contact a lawyer. She tells them that they need to get to her before she turns 18 and they lose all legal control over her.

Kenny convinces Kristin to call her parents and tell them to leave her alone. Another teen mother, Pam, wants to leave the hotel with her twin babies. She gives birth and is told that they both died, she tells Kristin that the hotel is lying. Kristin learns later on that she committed suicide.

As Kenny is fleeing the hotel with Kristin, the cops finally show up. Kenny is arrested for taking a minor across state lines. Kristin is reunited with her parents but continues to believe that Kenny's innocent. This girl needs a sharp blow to the head with a clue by 4.

Kristin's mom takes her to see Sarah, Kenny's other baby mama and learns that he tried to sell her baby as well. Kristin gives birth but wants to put it up for adoption. Her parents plead with her to keep it. Yeah, keep the constant reminder that the man you love used you as a prenatal ATM.

Kenny is released and is seen spying on Kristin and her family. Kristin's mom confesses that she was pregnant at 16 and had to give the baby up. This leads Kristen to bond with her baby. Kenny shows up and pleads with Kristin to let him hold the baby. When the dim bulb allows him to, he knocks her over with a bitch slap and takes off with the kid.

He's promptly arrested but they can't bust him for kidnapping since he is the baby's father. Why are all the cops in Lifetime movies so useless? Kristin visits him in jail and trades him her grandmother's expensive ring in return for signing away his parental rights.

After all he goes through to get that baby, he just gives it up for a ring. Jeez, most Lifetime villains would have fought to the death to get what they want?