Return to Sleepaway Camp

 


  I guess the old adage is true; you can't go home again. And nothing proves this theory more than Return to Sleepaway Camp.

   Return picks up where the original left off and ignores the previous installments of Sleepaway Camp 2 and 3. Unfortunately it also ignores a coherent script and likable characters. And topping off the list of unlikable characters is our "protagonist" Alan.

   Alan is supposed to the kid that everyone bullies similar to Angela from the first film. The difference between the two is that you actually could root for Angela. You felt bad for this quiet strange girl that the majority of the camp abused, you had sympathy.

   Alan on the other hand is obnoxious and violent. In fact, he is worse than the so-called bullies that torment him. He's like that kid in school who punches you for no reason then goes crying to the teacher when you hit back. He also has a catchphrase, "Your ass stinks." A pointless little sentence is that is used far too often in the films. The movie hand waves his bad behavior by giving him some kind of disorder but it still doesn't make him likable.

   It was good to see Paul DeAngelo, Jonathan Tiersten, and Felissa Rose return. It kept the movie from being a total waste of time. I do admit to feeling gypped about how little time Felissa got in the film. And that stupid post credits scene involving her did not make up for it. The film also features Vincent Pastore as the camp owner and Issac Hayes as the token black chef with minimal screen time. Hayes died soon after filming this movie, a sad end to an otherwise great career.

   If you loved the original Sleepaway Camp, you'll despise this one. This film is only worth viewing for the return of the original cast and some decent kill scenes.

ATM

  Hi readers, summer came and stole me away but I have returned. Today I attempt to deposit some interest into the movie, ATM.

  ATM is what I call a trapped in the closet movie. The usually unlikable characters (and the poor viewers) get trapped somewhere and spend the next hour or so boring people to death. Devil did it. P2 did it. And sadly, ATM is no exception.

  All mild-mannered David wants to do is ferry his longtime crush home from a Christmas party. Unfortunately, he is forced to take a drunken co-worker home as well. One pizza craving later and our dense little trio find themselves held hostage in an ATM booth by a parka wearing killer.

  ATM is claustrophobic and seriously lacking in suspense. It's a ludicrous premise where we are supposed to believe that an ATM can be easily shut down. We are supposed to believe that three able-bodied grownups cannot outrun or even beat the crap out of a lone killer.

  The characters are cowardly, neurotic, and obnoxious. You wouldn't hold an elevator door for these a-holes  let alone care whether they lived or died. The ending is the biggest insult to the viewers. It tries to portray this killer as some kind of evil genius on a mission. This is a guy who literally stood outside waiting for these fucktards to accidentally kill each other. It's like putting three scorpions in a jar and watching them duke it out, only the scorpions would be smarter.

   Don't deposit your time and energy in this piece of crap.

Sleepaway Camp

   Sleepaway Camp was a B grade slasher flick that was saved by an original and unexpected ending. An ending which I won't reveal here. I recommend that any horror fan check it out.

   The movie centers around a typical '80s summer camp. You know the one where the counselors are sexed crazed morons who let the campers go wild. And like any '80s summer camp someone is intent on making it a summer to remember.

  The main characters are Angela, a strange mute girl and her overprotective cousin, Ricky. Felissa Rose plays Angela and I must say that she's a phenomenal actress. She can emote more with a single glance than most actresses can do with a whole monologue.

  Other actresses of note are Karen Fields who plays resident bitch, Judy and Desiree Goulds who plays Aunt Martha. Karen plays the bitch to a Tee, she's unlikable but in a really enjoyable way. I really wished the role of Aunt Martha was bigger. Desiree Goulds is just adorable as a perky Stepford wife on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I only hope the rumors about her renewing her role in a future sequel are true.

   For a slasher the kills are pretty top notch. Very inventive and different from anything Jason or Leatherface have done. Let's just say you'll never look at a curling iron in quite the same way. The film builds a perfect amount or suspense and throws in realistic red herrings to keep you from guessing the killer too early in the film.

   The only thing I didn't like were the filler camp scenes. I know they were there for atmosphere and mild character development but it does hinder the film some. There's a scene with a baseball game that runs way too long and too slow.

    This film is a must see for any horror fan. However watch these films in order as watching any of the sequels out of order will spoil the surprise.

Mary Ingalls Sees Dead People

    The true tragedy of Happy Birthday To Me is that it could have been a great movie. It had a good set-up, interesting plot, and a fantastic ending. To bad everything in the middle couldn't uphold those standards.

    Our favorite prairie diva Melissa Sue Anderson, plays Virginia. Virginia is a shy, quiet, girl who is a part of an elite group of teens called the "Top Ten". Unfortunately for Virginia, she suffers memory loss due to a tragic car accident four years prior.

    Soon, her friends begin falling prey to a mysterious albeit, creative murderer. Virginia begins to suffer blackouts and fears that she may be responsible for the possible murders of her friends. Is she the killer or is someone going to great lengths to frame her.

   Happy Birthday To Me is probably one of the better slasher films of it's era, but it had the potential of being a classic. To start off with there is no character development, it's hard to tell them apart let care about them.

  Like Sleepaway Camp, the majority of the characters are massively unpleasant. One of Virginia's "friends" even breaks into her house in order to steal her underwear. Don't worry, he's not a pervert, stolen panties apparently bring good luck in motorcycle races. The storyline gets convoluted and there are one too many red herrings for my taste.

   Melissa Sue does well as Virginia, she expresses a great level of vulnerability and is enjoyable to watch. However, the film focuses too much on her neuroses and not enough on the plot. At one point, you wish she'd just spank her inner child and get on with it.

   As I said before, the gem of this movie is the ending. It could've have come off as rushed and tacked on but the phenomenal acting makes up for it. It has a great downer ending that is pretty realistic to the plot. This film is a must see for any slasher fan if you have the patience to sit through the boring parts.

Why You Fail At Horror

After reading Stephen King's recent EW article "Why Hollywood Can't Do Horror" I started thinking about the state of the horror film. I realized that the large majority of my favorite horror films come from '60s, '70s, and '80s. Very few of the recent films were likable or memorable enough to make me want to watch again. Horror has lost it's way in the recent years.

One thing I can't stand about recent horror is the gross-out factor that half of the movie director's are going for. If the film isn't filled with graphic dismemberment, disemboweled organs, and gore then it's considered boring. I hated The Hills Have Eyes remakes, I couldn't finish Wrong Turn, and I thought the entire Saw franchise was dumb. I don't like to vomit and don't see why I have to spend money so that a director can try his damnedest to make me do so.

True horror doesn't need the best guts money can by. Horror is supposed to scare you not gross you out. Take Psycho for instance, the shower scene still scares the pants off me. It plays off one of my basest fears. What if someone attacked me while I am in the shower. There is no escape, there is no weapon to defend you. The shower scene from Psycho is one of the most chilling scenes in horror cinema and you never saw the knife penetrate Janet Leigh. Some recent horror films keep the faith. The directors of such films as Hostel, Frailty, and Ginger Snaps know when to use gore and when to scare the pants off of you.

We don't need to understand the killer in horror movies, we don't want to. In the real world people are killed for just being in the wrong place at the wrong time, that is a scary thought. Slumber Party Massacre is a movie that comes to mind. Granted it wasn't the best slasher film of all time but the ending was awesome. When we find out the killer was just some random dude with no connection to the final girl, it was refreshing. We didn't have to delve into his psyche and find out the reason he killed, he simply killed.

1974's Black Christmas was also awesome in the fact that we never knew why the killer did it. He stayed mysterious and uncaught, stunned viewers wondered who he was and better yet who was Agnes. It some cases there are questions that never need answers. When you answer those questions you get Black Christmas the remake. A film filled with unlikable characters, boring subplots and gore gore gore galore. Oh and yes we now know why the killer did what he did. He's not a bad man just a kid who watched his mother kill his father. A kid who was forced to impregnate his mother. A kid who is forced to live in walls. What's the point of the back story? Are we supposed to forgive him because he just didn't know any better?

Today's horror takes itself way too seriously. Sometimes a good horror film can be deliciously cheesy as well. Not every horror film needs to be "deep". We don't need some slap in the face about what horrible people we are. We don't need a message on how we brought this horror on ourselves. Modern horror seems more about being discussed and revered than actually trying to scare the viewers.

I miss being scared by a horror movie. Not startled, not grossed out, not confused simply scared. I miss slasher films that were all about the slash, not burdened down by back story. Michael Myers was scariest in the first Halloween movie. Because you had no idea why he was on his spree. They gave you the facts, mysteriously killed sister and lived in Haddonfield. His scariness failed as soon they brought in relatives and thorn cults. Freddy from Nightmare On Elm Street 1, mysterious and scary. But of course the back story fairy had to interfere. I hate the back story fairy.

True horror is mystery, suspense, the kind of film that keeps you from sleeping at night. The film that makes you want to turn on all the lights. We don't need big budget movies fraught with gore and socio-political meaning. We just need to get the that delicious chill up our spines once more.

Prom Night

I don't know why they refer to this as a remake as 1980s Prom Night. There are virtually no similarities between the two films save for the title.

The plot centers around Donna Keppell, a young teen whose entire family was butchered by a teacher who was obsessed with her. Now three years later, Donna is preparing for her senior prom unaware that the teacher has now escaped and is coming for her.

The film really holds up due to acting of Brittany Snow who plays Donna. She's a good actress and takes a character that could've been annoying and makes you sympathetic to her. Other actors include Jonathan Schaech, Linden Ashby, and a brief appearance by Ming Na.

There is surprisingly little gore in this movie and some character development. However it seems strange to devote such depth into characters (mainly the first two killed) who you know will not be long for this world.

All in all, it's a pretty decent little slasher, not the best but still enjoyable to watch.

Dead Silence

Dead boring is more like it. I hunkered down for what I thought would be simple ghost story only to lose two hours I will never get back. The only thing scary about this film is the fact that it exists.

Jamie Ashen (Ryan Kwanten) returns to his former hometown and estranged father after the brutal murder of his wife. Believing that Mary Shaw, a ventriliquist who was murdered long ago is responsible, he begins to investigate her in the hope of finding answers. He's trailed by Detective Lipton (Donnie Wahlberg) who doesn't believe that Jamie is innocent of his wife's murder.

The movie is dull, hard to follow, and wastes too much time with long drawn out "suspense" scenes instead of cobbling together a decent plot. The ending is flat out stupid and predictable and Wahlberg normally a decent actor seems to be phoning it in.

Beware the stare of Mary Shaw
She had no children, only dolls
And if you see her, Do not scream
Or she'll rip your tongue out at the seam.

If only Mary Shaw had ripped out my eyes before I watched this crap.

Spotlight On Slashers #1: The Slumber Party Massacre Trilogy

In my opinion, the slasher film is the best in cinematic junk food. There's no deep insight into the killer's psyche. No rhyme, no reason. Just blood, breasts, and senseless dialogue. There are some that vanish and never even make it to DVD while others stay popular after all these years. Slumber Party Massacre may not be one the popular ones but they are a must for any self-respecting horror fan.


Slumber Party Massacre: Few people know that this movie was never meant to be a serious slasher film. It was written by feminist author Rita Mae Brown as a parody of the slasher genre. But in typical Hollywood fashion it was taken seriously and filmed as such. Because of this the movie contains a lot of humorous moments both intentional and unintentional. The movie still contains everything a slasher fan loves and is more entertaining than a lot of the other films in this genre. Props for not shedding any real light on why the killer did what he did or giving us some happy ending. The plot is typical. A group of young nubile girls fight a very uninvited guest during a slumber party.


Slumber Party Massacre 2: What The Fuck? I mean seriously what the fuck? I mean my standards for horror films are pretty low. There are a lot of movies I watch that will never fall under the self-respecting horror fan guidelines. And this movie still sucked. It stars former Wings star Crystal Bernard as Courtney one of the survivors of the massacre all grown up. She and the other members of her lame, Bangles-esque rock band are off to for a slumber party weekend. However Courtney is haunted by dreams of a punk rock driller killer and pleas from her institulaized sister Val (another survivor of SPM 1) not to have sex. She should have pled with the viewers not to watch this crap. For a slasher movie it waits an hour before giving us any kills. Instead we sit through an hour of Courtney's visions, her friend's head turns into a pimple and a mutant chicken attacks her. When the kills finally come viewers have pretty much lost interest and the ending is confusing and dull.

Slumber Party Massacre 3: Interesting enough this was not initially filmed as a SPM sequel but the title was changed in order to squeeze out some more juice from the series. Ironically it is a truer sequel to SPM 1 than it's confusing counterpart. The plot goes back to basics the nubile teens, the weird red herring characters, and blood, gore and sex galore. It seems to regain some of the humor of the original as well However if anyone reading this wants to view the trailers on Youtube or elsewhere, DON'T view the trailer for this one. For some inexplicable reason the trailer tells you outright who the killer is.

Cheerleader Massacre (a.k.a. Slumber Party Massacre 4): I'm putting this in here to save space for my review of this movie once I locate it. Filmed 13 years after SPM 3 it stars Brinke Stevens who reprises her role of Linda whom she played in SPM 1.

This trilogy has one more interesting fact about it, all three films were written and directed by women. A rarity in the often male-dominated world of horror.

Halloween 2007

Rob Zombie has done the impossible, he's taken a long dormant, steadily decreasing horror series and given it new life in this remake of the 1978 classic. However he puts his own spin on the story by giving us something that no Halloween film has done before, he gives us a look inside Michael Myers. No longer a silent menace quietly depleting the population of Haddonfield, Illinois we see a more human aspect to him and strangely some sympathy.

The movie is awesome it says true to the movie but also adds his own spin on the events. It has great casting, a perfect soundtrack, and a great blend of storytelling and bloodshed.

The cast includes Malcolm McDowell doing a fantastic job filling Donald Pleasence's shoes as Michael friend/nemesis Dr. Loomis. Sherri Moon Zombie shines as Michael's mother and proves that she's capable of versatile roles. And newcomer Daeg Faerch is mesmerizing as a young Michael Myers.

Even the secondary cast is awesome with cameos by horror veterans such as Danny Trejo and Ken Foree and Clint Howard. And the much welcome return of Danielle Harris is a treat for all Halloween fans. For you non fans, Danielle Harris appeared in Halloween 4 & 5 as Laurie Strode's orphaned daughter Jamie. Despite her popularity with Halloween fans she was passed over not only for Halloween 6 but was also retconned out of the series with Halloween H20.

The only dark spot in the casting has to do with the character of Laurie Strode, Michael's younger sister. This Laurie played by Scout Taylor-Compton does not hold a candle to the role originated by Jamie Lee Curtis. Her Laurie has none of the innocence and vulnerability as the original. Instead she comes off nearly manic and becomes annoying the longer she stays on screen

This movie is a treat for horror fans whether you are a newbie to the series or a purist you will enjoy it.

I Know Who Killed Lindsay's Career

Awful, boring, waste of my time and money. There are so many ways to describe this awful piece or drivel that there is not enough room in this blog to contain it all. This 2007 "thriller" stars Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay plays typical high-schooler Aubrey Fleming who is kidnapped and tortured by a mysterious stranger. She is found in a ditch weeks later but insists she is not Aubrey but is Dakota Moss a stripper. As her family tries to convince her that she is Aubrey, Dakota tries to find the real Aubrey who she senses is alive.

Even though I have been greatly disappointed by Mrs. Lohan's two previous films (Just My Luck and Georgia Rule) I still wanted to see this flick. Partially due to the fact it was filmed in a nearby town but also due to the addition of Jessica Rose a.k.a. internet phenomenon lonelygirl15.

The worst part of this film was that they had a great idea but sacrificed plot for "intense" scenes full of "stunning imagery" The ending is short and abrupt with no follow-up, what you can't even tack on an ending explaining the fates of the remaining characters?

Here's hoping rehab will cure Lohan enough to accept more coherent scripts and less of this garbage.

I'm Dreaming Of A Bland Christmas

Black Christmas: A Review

To start you all off I love the original 1974 Black Christmas. It was genuinely creepy and made good use of keeping the viewer in suspense without dragging it out. To date it is one of my favorite horror films. However the remake is living proof that "If it ain't broke don't fix it" To sum it up the movie deviates too far from it's original source and it shows.

The remake doubles the cast members ensuring that we get more bodies to brutally murder. Unfortunately the characters are so unmemorable that the viewers neither cures nor remembers who is who. Rather than follow the original in keeping the killer's background/motives unknown we are treated to a lame ass back story full of murder incest and eye-gouging galore. As for acting we have the talents of Michelle Tractenberg and Lacey Chabert absolutely wasted in one note roles. Most of the supporting actresses are boring and unmemorable save for Crystal Lowe who actually makes her role worth while to watch.

And the eye-gouging, good lord, it was unpleasant enough the first time around and did not need to be repeated. The original had subplots that garnered interest, a father searching for his daughter, a relationship gone sour. Instead we get back stories about characters that die ten minutes into the film. What is the point?


Then of course the surprise ending with we could see it from a mile away plot twist to the just when you thought it was over oh my god here he comes ending trust me if you want true horror rent the '74 version if you want to be bored senseless and pissed off grab the remake.

black christmas