Pulse 2: Afterlife

Americanizing a Japanese horror film can be a hit or miss situation. For every good film like The Ring you have to suffer through One Missed Call. Pulse in my humble opinion was a great film Kristen Bell and Ian Somerhelder were awesome and it was a nice way to pass time.

Pulse 2 however is an insult, a big middle finger pointed at the masses as they run off with your the money you squandered in order to watch it. The only word that can describe it would be unnecessary.

The plot basically centers around the restless spirit of a woman stalking her ex-husband and daughter. To punish the unfaithful ex, Mommy Deadest intends to take her daughter into the afterlife with her. The ex however plans to fight her at every turn.

Let's start with the "hero" of the film. He seems emotionally stunted at best. In one scene in a small cabin with his traumatized daughter in the next room, his current squeeze wants to fool around. Despite saying no, all it takes is five seconds of body heat before he's ready to toss her on a table and get busy. Let's further traumatize the already traumatized daughter.

Then there was the gore which was nauseating and had no place in the movie. Eye gouging, slain house pets, repulsive sex scenes, none of these enhanced the film and were obviously thrown in for shock value. And did I mention of the ghosts walks around nude, unnecessarily so.

There is some strange side character who swoops in, announces his plans to "end the madness" once and for all. Was he some forgotten character from the first film or a weak link to a Pulse 3 (please god no stop it). He has no point whatsoever which is sad because he was the only tolerable person in this mess.

The ending was abrupt, pointless, and confusing. Rather than defy the odds and create a sequel as good as it's predecessor. It was tossed together in a slapdash effort to score some quick cash. And with straight to DVD sequels becoming popular I see no end to inferior sequels in the near future.

Day Of The Dead

I am using the teaser poster for this review. The DVD poster which basically looks like some guy vomiting up a zombie was too gross.

If you think this film is similar to the awesome 2004 remake of Dawn Of The Dead, think again. This film is more akin to some god awful made for Sci-Fi Channel tv movie.

The plot centers around Corporal Sarah Cross (a badly miscast Mena Suvari) who returns to her hometown during a zombie outbreak. After the entire town, including her mother fall ill to the virus, Sarah is desperate to find her younger brother before it's too late.

The film sadly is boring, the special effects are sub par, and despite the fact that the awesome Ving Rhames is portrayed as a major character in the trailers, he barely lasts 30 minutes in the film. The film bears no direct resemblance to the 1985 version. There is a female soldier as a lead character and a zombie who acts human and becomes an ally. That's about it.

And beware the ending which is a stupid zombie jumping out at the screen in the last frame. If it's not funny in those stupid Youtube videos, it's not funny on the silver screen. This marks the first time in a long time that I haven't enjoyed watching a zombie film, and I have seen some pretty Z grade ones.

Open Water 2: Adrift

This film had to be the worst rendition of a perfectly good movie idea that I have ever seen. 6 friends go out on a yacht and all end up diving into the water. Unfortunately for them none of these geniuses bothered to check if the ladder was down. Now all trapped in the water with an unattended baby on board they struggle to get back on.

The first bad thing about this film is not a single character is likable enough to root for. They overlook countless opportunities to get back on the boat. The in fighting is pointless and one character's death is so abrupt and confusing that you wonder if the script writers lost interest at one point and just started to wing it.

The ending was flat out the most vague and stupid ending I have ever seen. This is a movie that you should avoid at all costs.

The film stars Eric Dane, Cameron Mathison, and Susan May Pratt, three decent actors who deserved so much better.

Sisters (2006)

The most disappointing aspect of this film was that I was really looking forward to watching it. It had Chloë Sevigny who is one of my favorite actresses and Stephen Rea who is awesome. The story also seemed original. So where did this movie go wrong?.

Let's start with a confusing plot, after the film was over I was so puzzled that I went straight to The Internet Movie Database to see if someone on the message boards could explain it to me. It was hindered by tons of boring unnecessary scenes before cramming all the major plot lines into 20 minutes.

There was no character development and the main characters were so boring and unpleasant that you really can't even begin to care about their motives or what will become of them. They wasted 45 minutes on a plot in the beginning that could have been done in 20. They then just had to add a "love scene" that was so gratuitous that it bordered on offensive. To add insult to injury the time they wasted with that scene alone could have been used to make the film a little less random and confusing.

Just avoid this film at all costs.

One Missed Call

For me to say a horror movie is awful is pretty much a death knell for the film. Why you ask? Simple when it comes to horror films my standards are pretty low. I love horror movies from the very good to the very godawful. The awful ones are great because even in their badness it's still entertaining.

One Missed Call is a complete bore with a dull script, absolutely no character development, and a confusing ending. The movie follows Beth Raymond, a young girl who's friends start dropping like flies. Prior to their deaths each of them received a voice mail with a recording of their deaths and the exact time they perish. Beth has received the same message and is desperate to keep this from happening to her. She is joined Det. Jack Andrews whose own sister was the victim of this curse.

The real tragedy is that they Americanized a pretty awesome Japanese film and turned it into the most boring mess. Plus the actor and actresses talents are wasted here. The film stars Shannyn Sossaman as Beth, Ed Burns as Jack, the always talentes Azura Skye in the blink and you'll miss it role of Leeann, and Margaret Cho who is wasted as a co-worker of Jack's.

Steer clear of this film at all costs.

Dead Silence

Dead boring is more like it. I hunkered down for what I thought would be simple ghost story only to lose two hours I will never get back. The only thing scary about this film is the fact that it exists.

Jamie Ashen (Ryan Kwanten) returns to his former hometown and estranged father after the brutal murder of his wife. Believing that Mary Shaw, a ventriliquist who was murdered long ago is responsible, he begins to investigate her in the hope of finding answers. He's trailed by Detective Lipton (Donnie Wahlberg) who doesn't believe that Jamie is innocent of his wife's murder.

The movie is dull, hard to follow, and wastes too much time with long drawn out "suspense" scenes instead of cobbling together a decent plot. The ending is flat out stupid and predictable and Wahlberg normally a decent actor seems to be phoning it in.

Beware the stare of Mary Shaw
She had no children, only dolls
And if you see her, Do not scream
Or she'll rip your tongue out at the seam.

If only Mary Shaw had ripped out my eyes before I watched this crap.