Rise of the Zombies...and my lunch

Very rarely do I hate a zombie movie. The zombie genre is one of my favorites and if you have read my blog, you know I am not afraid of terrible movies. But Rise of the Zombies goes beyond terrible; it is heavy handed and downright unpleasant.

 The movie centers around a group of survivors who have been living on Alcatraz Island. However their safety is soon compromised when the zombies begin to infiltrate. The group decides to return to the city in the hopes of finding a cure. One of the survivors played by LeVar Burton opts to stay behind and basically spend the whole film having his talents wasted.

Speaking of wasting talent, Danny Trejo also stars in this film and dies in the first reel. This is the same thing that ticked me off about the Day of the Dead remake when Ving Rhames died early. You do not cast bad ass actors in a zombie film and kill them off. Trejo was the main reason I gave this movie an ounce of my attention.

One of the main plots of Rise is a pregnant woman named Ashley. Ashley is a pessimist who believes that her pregnancy is more of a curse than a joyous event. This was a pretty decent plot that was literally squashed in one of the worst scenes I have ever seen.

Our survivors come across a pregnant woman who is trapped in an ambulance and in labor. Unfortunately our mom to be is turned and the survivors are forced to do a C section to save the baby. The baby initially is fine and the scene is rather heartwarming. That is until the baby turns into a zombie and promptly has its head smashed in.

I have seen a lifetime of blood and gore but that scene turned my stomach. It also ruined any respect I had for the movie. To make matters worse, Ashley kills herself later on resulting in yet another infant death in this movie.

The rest of the movie consists on wasting the talents of Ethan Suplee and Mariel Hemingway, religious discussions and a tacked on "optimistic ending." With this movie, SYFY hit a new low in poor taste. When you fail as a SYFY movie, you kind of fail the movie industry all together.

Sleepaway Camp 3: The final nightmare.

Once again reminding us that there are better movies out there

After a long hiatus, I have returned. What better way to start a new year by finishing something I had started last year. It’s time to cover the final installment in the increasing shit storm know as the Sleepaway Camp series.

I have to start this review by stating that Angela has one of the stupidest motives in slasher history, stupider than Michael Myers’ thorn cult. Her motive is summer camp and not in the way that Jason Voorhees sees summer camp. She obviously loves bug juice and macrame art so much that she would kill for it.

Since part 2 and 3 were filmed back to back, the action takes place at Camp Rolling Rock now rechristened Camp New Horizons. In an effort to drum up some good publicity, the owner’s are hosting an outreach program for rich and poor teenagers.

Angela is really devoted to her motive. In the days before Facebook, she manages to get a hold of the list of the campers. She manages to find someone who looks enough like her so that she can use her I.D. without suspicion. She steals a truck in order to kill her and steal her stuff. She even takes the time to indulge in a little graffiti art.

Let’s condense this film, shall we? Most of the kids are assholes begging to die. The fact that Angela looks so old is mentioned in increasingly unfunny jokes. There are random acts of nude scenes and a very uncomfortable sex scene involving Michael Pollard. I understand that sex scenes are a staple of slasher films but this was just unpleasant. It was so graphic that one might have mistaken that scene for a bad porno instead of a bad horror film.

There are a couple of assets that makes this film a little more likable than its predecessor. One was the introduction of Officer Whitman. He was mentioned in the previous installment as one of Angela’s arresting officer and the father of one of her victims. I wish they had actually devoted more screen time with this instead of offing him so quickly.

I also enjoyed the character of Marcia. She is such a likable character that even Angela decides not to kill her. Marcia is also a bad ass rather than let Angela live, she engages the psycho into a knock down drag out fight where she emerges as the victor. The film even takes time to poke a little fun in the end at the typical romances that we find in slasher films.

And Michael Pollard it’s not your fault you resorted to such dire straits for money. If I can forgive Dennis Hopper for Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, I can forgive you.

My rambling thoughts on The Walking Dead: Seed

  Walking Dead is back and better than ever. Months have passed since we last saw our zombie survivalists and they have improved with age. Sadly, Lori is still alive and sporting the fakest baby bump in the television history.

   Seriously, Walking Dead! You can afford zombie makeup and fake blood but not a realistic pregnancy pad. If money was an issue, you could have shoplifted one from a maternity store. Lindsay Lohan's fake pregnant belly was more realistic than Lori's supposed real one.

 
    It was a good idea to skip the show ahead a few months. It gives the show more story line opportunities and speeds up Lori's pregnancy. Having a baby on the show is just a bad idea all around and the sooner that storyline is resolved the better. It also helps to explain the actor who plays Carl's obvious growth spurt.

 Carl has turned into an effing bad ass and I suspect the words "Where's Carl?" will be a distant memory. I'm sure Carl's little crush on Beth is supposed to be cute but to me it's creepy. Beth is a very expendable character and I doubt she'll see the end of the season. Her musical number while pretty didn't really fit the flow of the series.

  Speaking of expendable. Is T Dog ever not going to be the token black guy? This character has survived while more major characters have died. Yet he still has no established personality or dialogue that lasts longer than two sentences.

  When did Maggie go from meek farm girl to Sarah Connor? In less than ten minutes she became my all time favorite character of the series. She and Glen are adorable and I hope there is a happy ending for this couple. Daryl and Carol, not so much. I was routing for a union between them but it doesn't seem to work. Partially the actors lack chemistry and partially it threatens Daryl's lone wolf persona that I love.

  I like this new and improved cast of characters. Without Shane gumming up the works, Rick has grown into an effective leader. The scenes where they infiltrate the prison were well done because the characters actually worked together and protected one another.

  I was disappointed in what little I saw of Andrea, she's finally evolved into a likable character and gets barely ten minutes of screen time.

   Dear Writers and Producers of Walking Dead,
   
    This is the show we all fell in love with. Do not stray from this formula. No sturm, no drang, no Lori. If you can knock this season out of the ballpark, I can finally forgive you for Season 2.

 

Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Viewers

 First I reviewed the cult classic Sleepaway Camp. And then I tackled the not so classic true sequel Return to Sleepaway Camp. Now it's time to delve into the franchises bastard half-sibling Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers.

How kind of this poster to remind us that there are better movies out there.

  I don't consider SC2 a true sequel to the original as it doesn't contain any original cast members and totally flanderizes the character of Angela, played by Felissa Rose in the original. The newest incarnation of Angela is played by Pamela Springsteen. I don't have any quibbles with the actress, she did well with the limited material that she had. The film's portrayal of Angela is a completely different story.

  A few years have passed since the original film and Angela is back at her favorite place in the whole wide world; summer camp. She loves camp so much, she wants to take it to Makeout Point and impregnate it. Camp is awesome. 

  Wait a minute Angela loves summer camp? Apparently she has fond memories of being bullied, nearly raped, having her boyfriend cheat on her with her worst enemy and of course those pesky little murders she committed. Realistically camp would be the last place she would go near. We are supposed to believe this quiet, intense, sexually confused killer would morph into a perky little chatterbox. Is that what years of shock therapy and gender reassignment surgery do to a person

   Angela is not like Jason returning simply to kill again, she's a counselor who it determined to make Camp I'm-Not-Going-To-Bother-Looking-It-Up the best camp ever. Oh wait I forgot 98% of the characters in the franchise are assholes. Sex crazed teenagers who aren't the least bit interested in camp songs and macrame. And it you are wondering how a convicted camp murderer scored a job like that, her therapists gave her great recommendations. That would be like Ted Bundy getting a job as sorority house mother, it does not make sense.

  So of course Angela has to dispose of these buzzkills or as she puts it "sending them home" I can't even appreciate the kill scenes, they are dull and some of them are really disgusting. To make it worse Angela comes equipped with puns that would make Freddy Krueger wince. 

 And of course there's the obligatory sex scenes and rampant nudity. The nudity is even written into the script as a minor plot point, showing you how desperate the filmmakers were to distract you from the mundane script and terrible acting.

   The actors are mostly unknown save for two and humorously both of them are celebrity spawn. Pamela Springsteen and Rene Estevez who you might remember also played Betty Finn in Heathers. I wished I had rented Heathers instead of this crapfest.

  Just like the poor campers of this movie, you can't go home again. Sleepaway Camp 2 has proved that fact ten times over. 

True Blood: A Season in Review (Spoilers! Consider yourself warned.

   Now that True Blood is on hiatus, let's take a look at the highs and lows of season 5.

    To start with I loved that the season did not completely focus on Sookie. I like Sookie but it was refreshing to have the character step back and give the other characters a chance to shine. For instance, the bromance between Eric and Bill. It was nice to see them do something other than brood and pine over our fairy waitress. Bill is still a douche though, it's not too late for that one way ticket to Peru.

   I wasn't too crazy about the Authority. I loved seeing Tina Marjorino on the show, it's a shame her part was so small. Salome was meh and didn't really come across as interesting. Her multiple sex scenes were just painful to watch since she had no chemistry with any of her male co-stars. I started out disliking Nora but grew to like her especially in the final episode. I look forward to seeing her character next season.

   Sookie's fairy/Warlow storyline I could take or leave. I felt the show dialed back her storyline due to the actress' recent pregnancy. It was nice to explore the fairy world even if the fairy elder was pointless and unnecessary.

   Pam and Tara were just phenomenal. Kristin Bauer van Straten and Rutina Wesley have great chemistry together. I liked how they did not rush them into a relationship and allowed the audience to bond with the characters. I am probably one of the few people who approved of the show turning Tara into a vampire. The last couple of seasons it seemed like the show had no idea what to do with her, besides torture her. Vampire Tara is the bad ass bitch. that the character was always meant to be.

 

  Speaking of bitches, Hi Jason. I just don't like the character. He's a boring man slut who occasionally angsts over the fact that he is a boring man slut. His new hatred for vampires wasn't interesting in Season 2 and is not interesting now. The only thing he had going for him was Jessica and the show messed that all up.

   And Jessica...can someone please give this character something interesting to do. Deborah Ann Woll is a great actress and she needs a great story line to prove that. Look at the goodbye scene between her and Hoyt for instance. I was also impressed with Hoyt's departure, he was a kind character who deserved a decent exit. Kudos to True Blood for not senselessly killing him off.

   And while we are on the subject of unappreciated characters, let's give Lafayette something to do. Having him run around in a dollar store demon mask was an insult to Nelsan's Ellis' talents.

  Steve Newlin's return was awesome and his relationship with Russell was just adorable. I wished he and Russell could have escaped somehow and moved to a villa in France. I love Russell and hope he survives his final death and makes his way back to us.

   The werewolf story line was all right. It's great to have Robert Patrick back on television and Dale Dickey is awesome as Martha. It was also nice to see Alcide not pining over Sookie and getting back to his werewolf roots.

 

  I could have done without Terry's past and the Obamas. Terry is a great background character but seriously a smoke monster? Have we resorted to ripping off Lost? Will Sam morph into Vincent and finally become interesting?

   The Obamas were ridiculous. It was a dumb plot that had no place in the season. I didn't care about the previous sheriff nor his square dancing paramour. If the show had really had some balls, Maxine would have been the leader of the anti-sup group. It would have made more sense.

   To quote Jane Bodehouse "When did Andy Bellefluer get so (bleeping) hot?" Out of nowhere he stopped Barney Fife and started being a likable character. His relationship with Holly is so adorable and his fairy mama drama was hysterical. I can't wait to see how he'll deal with the addition of four fairy babies to his already complicated life.

    Season 5 has definitely made up for the nightmare know as the previous season. I look forward to seeing how the next season will pan out.

Return to Sleepaway Camp

 


  I guess the old adage is true; you can't go home again. And nothing proves this theory more than Return to Sleepaway Camp.

   Return picks up where the original left off and ignores the previous installments of Sleepaway Camp 2 and 3. Unfortunately it also ignores a coherent script and likable characters. And topping off the list of unlikable characters is our "protagonist" Alan.

   Alan is supposed to the kid that everyone bullies similar to Angela from the first film. The difference between the two is that you actually could root for Angela. You felt bad for this quiet strange girl that the majority of the camp abused, you had sympathy.

   Alan on the other hand is obnoxious and violent. In fact, he is worse than the so-called bullies that torment him. He's like that kid in school who punches you for no reason then goes crying to the teacher when you hit back. He also has a catchphrase, "Your ass stinks." A pointless little sentence is that is used far too often in the films. The movie hand waves his bad behavior by giving him some kind of disorder but it still doesn't make him likable.

   It was good to see Paul DeAngelo, Jonathan Tiersten, and Felissa Rose return. It kept the movie from being a total waste of time. I do admit to feeling gypped about how little time Felissa got in the film. And that stupid post credits scene involving her did not make up for it. The film also features Vincent Pastore as the camp owner and Issac Hayes as the token black chef with minimal screen time. Hayes died soon after filming this movie, a sad end to an otherwise great career.

   If you loved the original Sleepaway Camp, you'll despise this one. This film is only worth viewing for the return of the original cast and some decent kill scenes.

ATM

  Hi readers, summer came and stole me away but I have returned. Today I attempt to deposit some interest into the movie, ATM.

  ATM is what I call a trapped in the closet movie. The usually unlikable characters (and the poor viewers) get trapped somewhere and spend the next hour or so boring people to death. Devil did it. P2 did it. And sadly, ATM is no exception.

  All mild-mannered David wants to do is ferry his longtime crush home from a Christmas party. Unfortunately, he is forced to take a drunken co-worker home as well. One pizza craving later and our dense little trio find themselves held hostage in an ATM booth by a parka wearing killer.

  ATM is claustrophobic and seriously lacking in suspense. It's a ludicrous premise where we are supposed to believe that an ATM can be easily shut down. We are supposed to believe that three able-bodied grownups cannot outrun or even beat the crap out of a lone killer.

  The characters are cowardly, neurotic, and obnoxious. You wouldn't hold an elevator door for these a-holes  let alone care whether they lived or died. The ending is the biggest insult to the viewers. It tries to portray this killer as some kind of evil genius on a mission. This is a guy who literally stood outside waiting for these fucktards to accidentally kill each other. It's like putting three scorpions in a jar and watching them duke it out, only the scorpions would be smarter.

   Don't deposit your time and energy in this piece of crap.