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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Milo (1998)

Not that you'd want to watch this piece of shit anyway.

  I am not sure whether to be offended or bored by this tepid entry in the killer kid department. Milo is about a peculiar little boy with an unnatural interest in gynecology. I can't believe I just typed that sentence.

  Milo lures five little girls to his house under the guys of seeing aborted fetuses. Yeah, that's totally what girls are interested in seeing. I'll admit Milo is creepy with his raspy voice and face dutifully hidden by a yellow slicker. Well Creepy Hauser M.D. ignores his Hippocratic oath and goes scalpel crazy.

  We flash to present day and the scariest part of the movie, the main character's fashion sense.

Headless Marie Antoinette doll not included.
    This fashion victim is Claire and apparently one of the aforementioned little girls. She returns to her hometown for a wedding only to learn that the bride, Ruth, died the night before. To Claire, death is synonymous with job opening and takes over Ruth's teaching job.

Oh hai, Mila Kunis!

    We learn that Claire is a mediocre substitute teacher who is not married. She talks to goldfish, I wonder if they call her out by name. She is seen opening a cardboard box that was delivered to her. What's in the box? A plastic baggie with her goldfish inside. Did she Fed Ex the fish to her house?

   Claire begins to repeatedly see and hear Milo everywhere she goes. Is he really haunting her or is he a manifestation of her guilt? Here's a better question: How long before this film actually gets interesting?

  Claire confides in one of the other girls, Abigail, who reminds her that Milo drowned when they were young. Claire leaves and naturally Abby has an unfortunate run-in with Milo's scalpel. Claire tries to convince her last surviving friend, Marian that Milo is back.

   Marian reminds Claire that she went a little nuts after the Milo incident and suspects that she is going crazy again. Ethan, a troubled student of Claire is seen talking to Milo. Or was he? And Claire's is attacked by someone in a rain slicker. Or was she? And LadyJ finally finds this film interesting. Or does she?

   Claire breaks into Milo's father's office and is caught by Daddy Dearest. Daddy shows her Milo's grave but she still isn't convinced. Milo manages to dispatch Marian via bicycle and drags her into the woods. Marian tries again to talk to Daddy while Milo assaults the school janitor in the hallways.

   Rather than take him to a real hospital they return to Milo's father's clinic where Claire finds some freaky deaky medical equipment. Daddy bounds and gags the janitor as Milo chases Claire. Guess what Milo is alive and well and was apparently a stillborn baby that Daddy resurrected. Yeah, it makes no sense to me either.

    Claire gets knocked out and awakens wearing a wedding dress. And they say men can't commit. The janitor somehow gets loose and drowns Milo. Since he's a black man in a horror movie, he dies as well.

   In Milo's chamber of horrors, Claire finds the bodies of her friend clad in wedding gowns as well. Great not only is he a psycho killer/amateur gynecologist but he's a polygamist as well. As for poor Marian, well, Milo kind of took the choice out of pro choice. Milo killed Marian which would be believable if the actresses' legs weren't moving throughout the scene. Acting like a corpse is not rocket science, people.

   Well Claire kills Milo and escapes. We are treated to the strangest ending ever where the new janitor finds graffiti reading "Milo Was Here" Then they cut to a blink and you'll miss it scene of a young Milo attacking a young Claire.

   Congratulations Milo, you officially suck worse than Troll 2.