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Monday, December 19, 2011

Bag of Bones Part 2

   A little late I know, this movie has been kicking around in my DVR for a week before I had a chance to watch it.

   The filmmakers have realized that they wasted 2 hours of footage watching Pierce Brosnan cry. Now important plot points are being hurled at you left and right. Bam! Max Devore is dead. Bam! Sarah Tidwell is the ghost that is haunting Mike. Bam! Maddie and Mike are an item. Bam! She's dead.

   So Mike realized that he has to destroy Sarah's corpse and end the madness. Sarah possesses a vagina shaped tree and tries to stop him. Joanna shows up in a red halter dress that proves bad fashion taste never dies. Her fighting style: boring Sarah to death with platitudes that Dr. Phil would find corny.

   Mike and Kyra are a family now and skipping off into the sunset. Let's just forget that he doesn't have legal custody. Or that he killed a cop. Or that there's a dead body in his house. Who needs logic when you can have a happy ending.

  Let's start with Max Devore what a waste of a good villian. He just tools through the film like a geriatric soothsayer spouting doom wherever he goes. But at least he gets a topless scene and a hot makeout session with his daughter. Okay, she was only his daughter in the book but still eww.

   This is not how I imagined Rogette at all. When I read the book I always imagined her looking like Beth Grant.

   Matt Frewer exists for one scenes bringing his scene count to four. You do not hire Matt Frewer and use him for four scenes. That's like buying a fine champagne and pouring it down the drain, it's wrong, wrong I say.

   And of course, who can forget Maddie the oldest 20 year old in the world. There's is not a moment where she doesn't come as jaded. There's no real emotion in this character at all. As for her and Mike's love story and her subsequent death, snore city. Had the couple shared more than a handful scenes this might have been important. A little less crying Pierce, a little more action.

   The only bright spot of this film is Anika Noni Rose. Even though she doesn't get enough screen time to show off her acting skills, she gets to show off her singing skills. The girl is just fabulous and I look forward to hearing more from her.

   The soundtrack is available through iTunes and is recommended. I bought her rendition of Frankie and Johnny as soon as I heard it.

  Remember when I said that Pierce Brosnan should never say frisky again? Well, I'm also going to add knockin' boots to that list as well. For shame, Pierce, for shame.