David Silver.....you are the father

In this film, we meet promising musician, Jason Kempler. Jason is played by Brian Austin Green who not only failed at rapping but also lip syching. At one of his gigs he meets Melanie Crane played by Nicholle Tom and sparks fly.

Melanie fails as an artist judging from an awful picture that she draws of Jason. They share a sickeningly sweet kiss and off to his daddy's yacht they go. It only takes moments for the two of them to knock boots. They don't have a condom, hence the title.

The next day, Melanie goes to see Jason again. But she catches him soulfully singing to another girl and her heart is broken. We learn a little more about Jason, college student, car salesman, and future rock star. Of course, if you have a bright future in a Lifetime movie, you're doomed.

Right on schedule, Melanie misses her period and feels nauseous. She breaks the news to Jason who doesn't want to believe that the baby is his. He reminds Melanie that she hooked up with him 5 minutes after they met. All he can offer her is money and a ride to the abortion clinic.

She goes to the abortion clinic with her best friend but chickens out. In the very next scene, the baby has been born. Fastest Lifetime pregnancy ever. Melanie's mom had Melanie at 15 and is none too keen on having the baby there. When Melanie is not arguing with her mother, she is stalking Jason, whose future is getting brighter by the minute.

Melanie and her mom argue some more and Melanie packs her bags and leaves a note. She waits outside Jason's house and watches him hooking up with a girl through the windows. When he is alone, she knocks on the door, shoves the baby at him and takes off.

Since Jason does not know her last name or where she lives, he's stuck with the kid. He has to get a DNA test and foster care is full. He goes to Melanie's former work but the boss won't give out that information. He runs into Melanie's best friend who takes him to see Melanie's mom. Melanie's mom not only does not care where her wayward daughter is, she shows no interest in her grandson either.

While Melanie flees to California, David's life gets progressively worse. His dad fires him from the car lot and also fires the baby's nanny. His band also can't deal with his drama and kick him out of the group.

The DNA tests come back and Jason Kempler.....you are the father. "Mazel Tov" the doctor tells him. I am disappointed, Faye Grant is in this movie but she really doesn't do anything except bitch about the baby. I loved her in V.

Single fatherhood gets to be too much for Jason, and he thinks about abandoning the baby but doesn't. Jason's father kicks him out of the house and he rents a rickety old houseboat. Which is the perfect environment for an infant. While moving in, he nearly drops the baby and his prized guitar in the water. He can only save one and chooses the baby. Since he sucks as a musician, it was the best choice he ever made.

As father and son bond, Melanie leaves Cali and starts working her way home. At Melanie's bequest her best friend goes to visit Jason. She's impressed by his parenting skills after he saves the baby from touching a hot cup of coffee.

Needing work he applies to be a model home salesman but instead winds up as a construction worker. His co-workers hate his Yuppie ass, I don't blame them even I hate his Yuppie ass. Melanie takes a job at a small diner. Jason convinces Melanie's mom to sit for the baby.

Jason's goes to a friend's party and ends up drunk in the backseat of a car with a chick. He doesn't have a condom but she doesn't mind. But Jason has learned a larger lesson in life and hightails it out of there. He arrives drunk and tries to take the baby home, Melanie's mom stops him and makes him stay there. The next day, she tells that he has got to be grow up and be a better father.

Things get tougher for Jason, his electricity is shut off, his son has to go the ER, and he loses his job when he doesn't call or show up for work for three days. For someone who desperately needs money, he is all blase' about the job. The world is so cruel to Unwed Fathers, that much is true.

Melanie confides in her co-worker what she did and the co-worker offers to let her move into her house with the baby. Melanie swoops back in expecting to be welcomed back with open arms. Both her mother and her best friend urge her to leave Jason and the baby alone.

Melanie has the privilege of being the most annoying Lifetime character ever. All she does is pout and whine. I actually cheer Jason on when he takes off with the kid. But having little cash, he has to face things that no Yuppie should. Seedy hotel rooms, filthy rest stop bathrooms, and having to sleep in his car.

After a cop busts him sleeping in his car, he decides to return back home. The cop is an idiot, Jason's name is not on the birth certificate and he has no proof that the baby is his. Logic, we don't need no stinking logic.

Eventually they strike a deal, Jason moves closer to Melanie. He gets his name on the birth certificate and they all live happily ever after. Do you wonder how this piece of crap got made? Four simple words Brian Austin Green Productions. Lifetime....it's fantastic.

Tamara: The Cinematic Love Child Of Jennifer's Body And May

Tamara is by far one of the strangest films I have had the pleasure to watch. It's a not a top notch horror film but it is still quite entertaining. It harkens back to a simpler time where horror were just slice and dice and didn't take itself that seriously. It's got the flippant humor that Jennifer's Body tried for, and the envelope pushing violence that made May awesome.

Tamara is an unpopular and bullied high school student who just happens to dabble in witchcraft. When she inadvertently exposes the football teams steroid use, the jocks plan revenge. However, their prank goes horrible wrong and Tamara winds up dead. Her murderers refuse to give up their bright futures and bury her in the woods. They are horrified when she returns sexy, powerful, and with an ax to grind.


For starters, Jenna Dewan who plays Tamara is awesome. As a nerdy girl bullied by her peers, you genuinely feel sorry for her. And when she comes back to claim her vengeance you root for her. She is so sexy and entertaining and it really doesn't matter that she's not that scary. Most of the cast is unknown with the exception of Chad Faust who starred in the film, Saved. Not having too many big actors gives the film a fresher feel.

The movie is predictable. You'll probably guess every twist and turn but it will still be entertaining. There are some scenes that push the limits in this film. If you are easily grossed out, I recommend not watching this film.

I reccomend this film for people who enjoy films like May, Teeth, and Jennifer's Body. It's fun, cheesy, and so bad that it is awesome. It is one of the few horror movies released in the last few years that I genuinely liked.

The Nightmare On Elm Street Movie Guide.

I've seen the greatest horror movies of my generation destroyed by remakes. (My apologies to Allen Ginsberg). I am an '80s movie fan forced to watch my favorite villains blandly remade in order to entice a new generation. They did it to Michael, they did it to Jason, and now poor Freddy is next up on the block.

There are young horror viewers out there who may be intrigued by the remake and want to rent some of the earlier installments. I present to you the Nightmare On Elm Street Guide.



Nightmare On Elm Street (1984) Teenager Nancy finds herself the target of a supernatural menace who can kill people in their dreams.

The Good: The film belongs to Heather Langenkemp who plays Nancy. Unlike a lot of final girls in horror films, she is smart, creative, and can definitely hold her own. This film is dark and does not contain too many of the one liners that would eventually turn Freddy into a less scary version of Carrot Top. Freddy will never be scarier than he is in this film. You simply cannot watch the remake without seeing this one as the remake borrows heavily from the first film.

The Bad: There are some scenes such as Nancy encountering the corpse of her best friend, that are simply there for gross out value. These scenes stop the film cold and it takes a while to get back into it.

Notable Stars: This is film marks the movie debut of Johnny Depp who plays Nancy's boyfriend Glen. John Saxon lends his awesome presence to the film as Nancy's father.



A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985): Five years after the events of the first movie, teenager Jesse moves into the neighborhood. Freddy's back and he has big plans for Jesse.

The Good: The poster looks pretty cool, meh, I have nothing.

The Bad: The majority of this film is bad. It has the lowest death count of the series. Two major character deaths and a quick massacre of some unnamed extras. There is a scene with an exploding parakeet and this awkward dance scene.




What really hinders the film is the homoerotic subtext that runs throughout the film. Jesse has more chemistry with his best friend Grady than his supposed love interest. He wanders into an S&M bar where he encounters his sadistic coach who takes him back to the gym. I always suspected that the character of Jesse was intended to be gay but the studio wouldn't allow it.

Notable Stars: Soap Star Christie Clark plays Jesse's younger sister. Jo Ann Willette from Just The Ten Of Us shows up briefly. Jo Ann would co-star with other Nightmare alumni such as Heather Langenkemp and Brooke Theiss.


A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987): The last remaining Elm street children have been placed in a mental hospital due to dream psychosis. Nancy returns to the series intent on beating Freddy once and for all.

The Good: Heather Langenkemp returns to the series as Nancy. This film should have been the direct sequel to the first as opposed to the piece of crap they did air. The film has some creative death scenes and some great one liners. At this point Freddy is scary/funny but not as cartoonish as he eventually becomes.

The Bad: I know that nudity is traditional in these films, but not a requirement. There is one topless scene that doesn't fit in with the pace of the films and stops the movie cold.

Notable Stars: A then unknown Lawrence Fishburne stars as an orderly. Along with Langenkemp, John Saxon reprises his role from the original film. Patricia Arquette stars as Kristen, the main heroine of the film. There is a hysterical cameo by Dick Cavett and Zsa Zsa Gabor




A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988): Kristen is out of the mental hospital and is trying to get over Freddy. But how do you get over something when it hasn't yet ended?

The Good: I am going to say it, Nightmare On Elm Street 4 is my favorite of the franchise. I'll give all you horror enthusiasts time to gather together the torch bearing mob. The film has some entertaining and fun characters. The death scenes are creative and there is a kick ass soundtrack featuring Blondie, Divinyls, Dramarama, and Sinead O'Connor. This films also introduces Alice who is my second favorite final girl of the series.

The Bad: There are a couple of unnecessarily cheesy scenes such as a dog pissing Freddy to life and a naked girl trapped in a water bed. If you have a bug phobia do not watch this movie. Just don't.

Notable Stars: Tuesday Knight takes over for Patricia Arquette as Kristen. Brooke Theiss stars as bug phobic bad girl. General Hospital star Cheryl Richardson appears in a blink and you will miss it role.


A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989): Freddy is back to his old tricks. He has a new way of killing the Elm Street children, by using the dreams of Alice's unborn child.

The Good: Well Lisa Wilcox reprises her role as Alice, I always loved her

The Bad: I wanted to like this film, I really did. It's a direct sequel to my favorite movie and I love the heroine. I wanted to like this movie but couldn't. It's boring with unlikable characters, the deaths are less creative and more revolting. Freddy has officially become a cartoon cracking more one liners than actually killing.

Notable Stars: Lisa Wilcox reprises her role as Alice. Kelly Minter (who was awesome whatever happened to her?) also stars.



Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991): Ten years have passed and all the Elm Street children are dead. Except for one boy who Freddy plans on using to escape Elm Street and enter the real world.

The Good: I got to see this in the theater and the 3D section was all kinds of awesome.

The Bad: The 3D section only lasted 20 minutes and the rest of the film is sub par. It suffers from an uneven script, way too cartoonish death scenes and way to many celebrity cameos. The montage of all his movies during the credits were more interesting. By the way the tag line: They Saved The Best For Last is a lie. And lies make baby Jesus cry.

Notable Stars: Lisa Zane, Yaphet Cotto, and Breckin Meyer star. Alice Cooper, Johnny Depp, and Roseanne and Tom Arnold show up for cameos.


Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994): Welcome to the real world, where Freddy is just a movie and Heather Langenkemp is just an actress. But when the line between fiction and reality blur, Heather fights to save her son.

The Good: This was a great movie, a wonderful homage to the original. It's great to see some of the behind the scenes members of the Nightmare franchise get their moment in the sun. There are so many cameos by former Nightmare alumni that it's almost like Where's Waldo? Heather Langenkemp is phenomenal.

The Bad: Not enough Freddy but I guess that was the point of the movie.

Notable Stars: John Saxon plays himself and briefly reprises his fictional role. Wes Craven and Robert Englind play themselves in the movie. Miko Hughes stars as her son. Tracy Middendorf plays the role of a babysitter who reenacts one of Freddy's iconic death scenes.





Freddy vs. Jason (2003): Everything that could be said about this monstrosity can be found in my Friday The 13th Movie Guide.

Tonight On A Very Different Blossom

Feeling nostalgic I decided to Netflix Blossoms Season 1 & 2. On the DVD, I found the shows original pilot. The show that a lot of us grew up watching started out completely different.



To start things off, Blossom's parents are still together and played by different actors. Blossom's mom is named Barbara and works in the film industry. She is played by some actress named Barrie Youngfellow.


Blossom's father is named Terry Russo and is an accountant not a musician. He is played by Richard Masur who starred in IT and My Girl 1 & 2. Nothing against Ted Wass but I would've enjoyed seeing Richard keep this role. Why, because I have had this weird unexplained crush on the actor for years.


Joey Lawrence still plays Blossom's brother but is called Donnie and he seems a bit more intelligent than the character ended up being. He also rocks the mullet in the pilot. Anthony is also played by the same actor and is essentially the same character.


Six is still played by Jenna Von Oy but is tad bit dirtier than she ended up being. According to her character, she was named Six because that was how many beers it took for her dad to conceive her. She also claims that a more popular girl could breastfeed the homeless as a contribution to society. She's not the only character with PG 13 dialogue, Blossom's mother refers to pleasuring herself on occasion.

While I enjoyed watching the pilot I can see why they changed it. A precocious girl with the typical suburban family, it's been done. A precocious girl and her two brothers being raised by a single musician father was a fresher and more unique approach to the show.

Before They Were Famous: The Theme Song Edition

In the world of television, your theme song is your calling card. It's a 30 sec attempt to keep new viewers from changing the channel. However some shows struggled before finding their memorable openings

A popular way of turning a so so theme song into a hit, remove the lyrics shows such as Bewitched, I Dream Of Jeannie, and M*A*S*H. While Bewitched's and Jeannie's were only mild improvements, M*A*S*H was literally saved by lyric removal.



The song is flat out depressing and not something you would welcome into your home every week. Especially since M*A*S*H is primarily a comedy. You can see the Bewitched theme and Jeannie's here.

Sometimes the theme songs need only a slight overhaul. Such as Michael Damian's version of the Saved By The Bell soundtrack or the orignal theme song to South Park sung by Matt Stone and Trey Parker. And sometimes a simple verse of the song is cut from the opening with no one the wiser. Such as the original Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.



I don't know why they cut this verse out perhaps to shorten the opening.

Then there were the original themes that thankfully never aired such as the Calypso influenced Gilligan's Island theme.



I know they were trying for a tropical vibe but this awful. The theme they ultimately chose had a more sea shanty feel and fit the vibe of the show better.

Before Party Of Five settled on Closer to Free, they experimented with other theme songs. Hold My Hand by Hootie and The Blowfish and this one by Shawn Colvin



I have to admit I like Shawn Colvin's opening better. Closer To Free sounded way too upbeat for a show that was primarily a drama. While this didn't get chosen as the official theme, it did make it onto the official track.

Can you imagine Friends without it's infamous theme song? Well, imagine no longer. Originally titled Friends Like Us, the show used REM's Shiny Happy People as their opening.



I like the song but not as a television show theme. The editing was awful especially at the 8 sec mark. These opening credits have an out of place Bohemian vibe that didn't jibe with the rest of the show.

Like I said, opening credits are a calling card and luckily for these show's creators they made some good choices.

Dustin Diamond: Behind The Bell

To describe this cover, I'm going to borrow a word that Dustin Diamond seems to love, douchenozzle. It looks like the cast of Saved By The Bell is desperately trying to escape the book and I don't blame them. This book is less expose and more the rantings of an actor that never quite fit in.

Dustin Diamond hasn't been relevant in years. He's broke. He's one of the only people to have a sex tape and have it not boost his career. Despite this, he is still egotistical and believes that he is a God. According to him, he's got a big penis and all the ladies want him. Even though he's cashing in on being Screech, he wants you to know that he isn't Screech. Hence from now on I will refer to him as such.

Behind the scenes at Saved By The Bell, sex was in the air. According to Screech, everybody did everybody, except for him. At one point, Tiffani Amber Thiessen is alleged to have been banging both Mario Lopez and Mark Gosslear under her boyfriend's nose. Mario Lopez is alleged to have raped some gal but NBC allegedly paid her off.

Did anyone see the E! True Hollywood Story on the show? It was boring even the sleaziest of shows couldn't dredge up anything negative about the cast. In this day and age, we supposed to believe that none of this ever came to light until Screech's sob story, I mean, err tell all.

And with sex comes drugs, Screech insists that he smelled crack coming out of Tiffani's dressing room. And that Mark did steroids. He demands that you watch Saved By The Bell: The College Years for proof. Apparently teen actors in the '80s also smoked joints and drank. Shocking I know. He's judgmental of his cast mates but is quick to tell you that he smokes pot too.

While Screech is quick to expose the sex life of his cast mates, he is strangely mute about his. The only name he named was Linda Mancuso, an NBC executive. Linda Mancuso died a few years ago so she can not speak for herself. Other shocking revelations Fred Savage was snobby when he was 8 and Neil Patrick Harris is gay. I for one am stunned.

For all I know, this book could be true. Or it could be all delusions from the bitter mind of a failed television star. All I know is that it is poorly written, contradictory, and boring. There are many inaccuracies and at one point a paragraph was repeated twice. It's called an editor, Dustin, they are pretty useful. So are therapists.

All this book really exposes is that Dustin Diamond has nothing to really call his own, so he has to use other people's "secrets" to make him fell worthwhile. That is what turns this tell all into a tragedy.

The Pregnancy Pact

• Stage 1: Charm everybody as an adorable moppet in Hocus Pocus
• Stage 2: Star in the most awesome movie of all time, Now and Then.
  
• Stage 3: Shed your teen actress status and your top in American Beauty
• Stage 4: Star in Homeless To Harvard, one of the few good Lifetime movies
• Stage 5: Give up and take whatever role that falls into your lap, like The Pregnancy Pact

These my friends are the 5 stages of Thora Birch's career. Pregnancy Pact was awful, those films that you saw in health class was more informative and entertaining. Especially since the plot of the movie is based on a story that many people claim was a myth.

A sudden spike in teen pregnancies begins in the economically depressed town of Glouchester, MA. We learn rather quickly that these pregnancies are due to a supposed pact between some delusional girls. The girls see pregnancy as a rosy world of dress up where the diapers are never soiled and the babies never cry.

The only hold out is Sara, who is in a serious relationship with Jessie. Jessie is unlike most teen boys because he has already decided he wants to marry her. She is super excited and already picking out the wedding china. However, Jessie wants them to graduate college before walking down the aisle. Sara jumps on the baby train to ensure that Jessie stays with her.

The whole debacle attracts the attention of a video blogger named Sydney who used to live in that town. A video blogger?! Why not make her a psycologist, a reporter, or even a sleazy talk show host? Dammit, Lifetime, you are not even trying.

Sydney seems anti-pregnancy and harasses the pregnant girls at every opportunity. But wait a tic, she was a pregnant teen who got an abortion. And her former baby daddy is also a vice principal at the school, so there are many awkward attempts to interview him while reminiscing about the bad old days.

She eventually admits that she didn't get an abortion, she lied and really gave the kid up for adoption. She is instantly forgiven because forging documents, lying, and keeping a father away from his kid is alright as long as she did not get an abortion. It's a freaking movie about teen girls deliberately getting pregnant and abortion is still a taboo subject.

There is a boring subplot about Sara's mom battling the school nurse over whether or not birth control should be in schools. A mute point and a boring one if you ask me. Poor Nancy Travis and Camryn Manheim, they deserved way better.

Sara's role in the pact is revealed and her boyfriend hightails it out of there. After all, Sara is a bad, bad, girl and Jessie is the poor victim. Last time I checked it took two people to get pregnant, the movie should have addressed that. In the end, Sara has the baby and the world is all rosy. Her parents totally got her back and she has what she always wanted a baby to love her. Jessie of course has nothing to do with the baby's life because he was a victim and this is Lifetime.

As always these things end with an informative PSA about teen pregnancy. Warning not for the squeamish, easily offended, eating lunch, and possibly NSFW.