Before They Were Famous: The Theme Song Edition

In the world of television, your theme song is your calling card. It's a 30 sec attempt to keep new viewers from changing the channel. However some shows struggled before finding their memorable openings

A popular way of turning a so so theme song into a hit, remove the lyrics shows such as Bewitched, I Dream Of Jeannie, and M*A*S*H. While Bewitched's and Jeannie's were only mild improvements, M*A*S*H was literally saved by lyric removal.



The song is flat out depressing and not something you would welcome into your home every week. Especially since M*A*S*H is primarily a comedy. You can see the Bewitched theme and Jeannie's here.

Sometimes the theme songs need only a slight overhaul. Such as Michael Damian's version of the Saved By The Bell soundtrack or the orignal theme song to South Park sung by Matt Stone and Trey Parker. And sometimes a simple verse of the song is cut from the opening with no one the wiser. Such as the original Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.



I don't know why they cut this verse out perhaps to shorten the opening.

Then there were the original themes that thankfully never aired such as the Calypso influenced Gilligan's Island theme.



I know they were trying for a tropical vibe but this awful. The theme they ultimately chose had a more sea shanty feel and fit the vibe of the show better.

Before Party Of Five settled on Closer to Free, they experimented with other theme songs. Hold My Hand by Hootie and The Blowfish and this one by Shawn Colvin



I have to admit I like Shawn Colvin's opening better. Closer To Free sounded way too upbeat for a show that was primarily a drama. While this didn't get chosen as the official theme, it did make it onto the official track.

Can you imagine Friends without it's infamous theme song? Well, imagine no longer. Originally titled Friends Like Us, the show used REM's Shiny Happy People as their opening.



I like the song but not as a television show theme. The editing was awful especially at the 8 sec mark. These opening credits have an out of place Bohemian vibe that didn't jibe with the rest of the show.

Like I said, opening credits are a calling card and luckily for these show's creators they made some good choices.

Dustin Diamond: Behind The Bell

To describe this cover, I'm going to borrow a word that Dustin Diamond seems to love, douchenozzle. It looks like the cast of Saved By The Bell is desperately trying to escape the book and I don't blame them. This book is less expose and more the rantings of an actor that never quite fit in.

Dustin Diamond hasn't been relevant in years. He's broke. He's one of the only people to have a sex tape and have it not boost his career. Despite this, he is still egotistical and believes that he is a God. According to him, he's got a big penis and all the ladies want him. Even though he's cashing in on being Screech, he wants you to know that he isn't Screech. Hence from now on I will refer to him as such.

Behind the scenes at Saved By The Bell, sex was in the air. According to Screech, everybody did everybody, except for him. At one point, Tiffani Amber Thiessen is alleged to have been banging both Mario Lopez and Mark Gosslear under her boyfriend's nose. Mario Lopez is alleged to have raped some gal but NBC allegedly paid her off.

Did anyone see the E! True Hollywood Story on the show? It was boring even the sleaziest of shows couldn't dredge up anything negative about the cast. In this day and age, we supposed to believe that none of this ever came to light until Screech's sob story, I mean, err tell all.

And with sex comes drugs, Screech insists that he smelled crack coming out of Tiffani's dressing room. And that Mark did steroids. He demands that you watch Saved By The Bell: The College Years for proof. Apparently teen actors in the '80s also smoked joints and drank. Shocking I know. He's judgmental of his cast mates but is quick to tell you that he smokes pot too.

While Screech is quick to expose the sex life of his cast mates, he is strangely mute about his. The only name he named was Linda Mancuso, an NBC executive. Linda Mancuso died a few years ago so she can not speak for herself. Other shocking revelations Fred Savage was snobby when he was 8 and Neil Patrick Harris is gay. I for one am stunned.

For all I know, this book could be true. Or it could be all delusions from the bitter mind of a failed television star. All I know is that it is poorly written, contradictory, and boring. There are many inaccuracies and at one point a paragraph was repeated twice. It's called an editor, Dustin, they are pretty useful. So are therapists.

All this book really exposes is that Dustin Diamond has nothing to really call his own, so he has to use other people's "secrets" to make him fell worthwhile. That is what turns this tell all into a tragedy.

The Pregnancy Pact

• Stage 1: Charm everybody as an adorable moppet in Hocus Pocus
• Stage 2: Star in the most awesome movie of all time, Now and Then.
  
• Stage 3: Shed your teen actress status and your top in American Beauty
• Stage 4: Star in Homeless To Harvard, one of the few good Lifetime movies
• Stage 5: Give up and take whatever role that falls into your lap, like The Pregnancy Pact

These my friends are the 5 stages of Thora Birch's career. Pregnancy Pact was awful, those films that you saw in health class was more informative and entertaining. Especially since the plot of the movie is based on a story that many people claim was a myth.

A sudden spike in teen pregnancies begins in the economically depressed town of Glouchester, MA. We learn rather quickly that these pregnancies are due to a supposed pact between some delusional girls. The girls see pregnancy as a rosy world of dress up where the diapers are never soiled and the babies never cry.

The only hold out is Sara, who is in a serious relationship with Jessie. Jessie is unlike most teen boys because he has already decided he wants to marry her. She is super excited and already picking out the wedding china. However, Jessie wants them to graduate college before walking down the aisle. Sara jumps on the baby train to ensure that Jessie stays with her.

The whole debacle attracts the attention of a video blogger named Sydney who used to live in that town. A video blogger?! Why not make her a psycologist, a reporter, or even a sleazy talk show host? Dammit, Lifetime, you are not even trying.

Sydney seems anti-pregnancy and harasses the pregnant girls at every opportunity. But wait a tic, she was a pregnant teen who got an abortion. And her former baby daddy is also a vice principal at the school, so there are many awkward attempts to interview him while reminiscing about the bad old days.

She eventually admits that she didn't get an abortion, she lied and really gave the kid up for adoption. She is instantly forgiven because forging documents, lying, and keeping a father away from his kid is alright as long as she did not get an abortion. It's a freaking movie about teen girls deliberately getting pregnant and abortion is still a taboo subject.

There is a boring subplot about Sara's mom battling the school nurse over whether or not birth control should be in schools. A mute point and a boring one if you ask me. Poor Nancy Travis and Camryn Manheim, they deserved way better.

Sara's role in the pact is revealed and her boyfriend hightails it out of there. After all, Sara is a bad, bad, girl and Jessie is the poor victim. Last time I checked it took two people to get pregnant, the movie should have addressed that. In the end, Sara has the baby and the world is all rosy. Her parents totally got her back and she has what she always wanted a baby to love her. Jessie of course has nothing to do with the baby's life because he was a victim and this is Lifetime.

As always these things end with an informative PSA about teen pregnancy. Warning not for the squeamish, easily offended, eating lunch, and possibly NSFW.

The Lovely Bones: The Movie

Warning, mild spoilers for the book.



I was hesitant to watch this film as The Lovely Bones is one of my favorite books. But color me impressed I loved it. It was good, honest, adaption with great special effects.

I am glad Peter Jackson chose relative unknowns for the roles of Susie, Ruth, Lindsay, and Ray. It made the film feel more realistic than it would've been had some teen idol had been cast. I wasn't too impressed with casting Rachel Weisz and Mark Wahlberg as Susie's parents, they acted well they just didn't seem to fit in.

The actress who really stole the movie was Susan Sarandon, as Susie's boozing, fun-loving grandmother. Her role was expanded from what was in the book and simply made the movie. Stanley Tucci did well as Susie's killer, but without the back story provided in the book, he became just another psycho.

Peter Jackson stays mostly true to the book. However, in order to condense it into a movie certain plot points were dropped such as Susie's mother's affair and her friendship with Ray's mother. The characters of Ray and Ruth were diminished as well as Lindsay's relationship with her boyfriend, Samuel. This is kind of a bummer considering the large impact these characters had in the novel.

Even the changes that Peter Jackson did for the story such as Holly's true identity and the expanded character of Susie's grandmother worked for the film. Rarely do changes in the plot do that and it only enhances the charm of the film.

If you liked the book, you'll like the movie. Peter Jackson did a phenomenal job bringing the story to life.

Wes Craven's Flowers In The Attic

No, this is not a parody. Apparently Wes Craven wrote a script for the movie but was ultimately rejected. I am only reviewing this script, if you wanna read the whole thing, it can be found on the Complete V.C. Andrews site. I thank the site owner for making this available and recommend that any V.C. Andrews visit the site, it's awesome.

For the most part, Craven stays true to the novel. He uses large chunks of the book's dialogue and the characters are dead on. However inexplicably, John Amos Jackson is replaced by a character named Doberman. Doberman is mostly mute, all he does is grunt and let out "ungodly shrieks".

In my opinion there were way too many references to bodily functions. Unless body humor is the sole purpose of your film then it's really not necessary. Do not read this while eating. This script moves pretty quick, the poisoned doughnuts show up a mere couple of days after the children get there.

Wes Craven does make some minor changes. Chris is brutally attacked by a guard dog when they first get to the house. Instead of allowing the children to view the Christmas party, Corrine merely forgets to lock the door.

The script gets a little silly at this point. Cathy and Chris hide out in a mesh chest, watching the party like in the novel. But they manage to steal champagne from a couple of guests. Chris dons a wig and some old clothes so he can check out the house. The servants assume that he is just another guest.

Chris gets caught by his mother and runs off with her and Doberman in hot pursuit. Corrine is a major bitch in this scene. She actually refers to Chris as a little bastard. Doberman catches Chris and almost slits his throat, but the grandmother stops him. Which is out of character for a woman who is supposed to want the children to vanish.

Unlike the movie that actually got made, Craven includes Cathy's discovery of the sex book and her kissing a sleeping Bart. Instead of Chris raping Cathy, the sex is actually consensual which I thought would have worked better for the story. I didn't like in the novel how she instantly forgave him for the rape and never showed any anger over it.

The ending is really fast paced, the discovery of the poison, Cory's death, and Corrine's wedding happen almost simultaneously. Cathy winds up on the roof with Carrie, running from Doberman who is intent on killing them. Chris having learned about the poisoning from a strangely knowledgeable servant crashes the wedding.

Cathy manages to kill Doberman and they both announce to the entire wedding party who they are and what their mother did to them. Bart turns his back on her and the kids live happily ever after.

In my opinion, a decent script. Much better than the script that they ultimately chose. I hated the fact that they cut out the whole relationship between Chris and Cathy. That was a main part of the book and the studio chose to cut it out to avoid controversy.

This wasn't the only way that the studio screwed the film, the accidental death of the mother was a last minute addition to the film. The director actually refused to shoot the scene and eventually someone else did. Killing Corrine was a dumb move as the character plays an integral part in the next two novels of the series. They basically killed all hopes of a sequel in a single move.

If they had just chosen a better script or told the studio to shove it, the film might have been better.

10 Things I Loved About The '80s

10. Freddy Krueger: Yes I was that kid. The kid whose father let his 7 year old daughter watch A Nightmare On Elm Street on VHS. Sure I slept with the lights on that night but I became a girl obsessed. I subscribed to Fangoria magazine, I watched the television series, had his posters on my wall, and was at the theater every time a new film came out. If it involved Freddy, I had to be involved.




9 Electric Youth Perfume: I love this perfume, it was the very first perfume I had ever owned. I thought the lightning bolt in the center was just the coolest thing ever. As soon as one ran out or was accidentally lost, I would beg my father to take me to the store so I could replace it.




8. Fred Savage: You are looking at my first celebrity crush here. My room at one time was equally dominated by posters of my two favorite Freds, Kruger and Savage. My crush was so severe that I even sat through films like Little Monsters and The Wizard just to see him. I never missed an episode of The Wonder Years. I even developed a crush on a kid in my class simply because he looked just like him.




7. Tiffany: Tiffany was the first singer that I had ever gotten into by myself. All the other music I listened to were courtesy of my parents. I would play her first album at least three or four times a day. My father who was a heavy metal/classic rock fan made the ultimate sacrifice and took me to see her at Six Flags in '87. I had never been to a concert before and had no concept of the term opening act. I pouted during the entire opening set waiting for my idol to appear. The opening band was New Kids On The Block.



6. MTV: Remember when MTV would just play hours upon hours of music videos. You had the privilege of seeing your favorite artists anytime you wanted to. Even the television shows like Headbanger's Ball and Yo! MTV Raps were music video oriented. That's before MTV became a pseudo-reality network dedicated to spoiled rotten teens.


5. Sweet Valley High: Between the ages of 9 and 13, I worshiped these books. I even went so far as to buy the board game (which was boring.) On our weekly visits to the local used bookstore, I would pore through the shelves praying to find ones I didn't already have. True excitement was going to the grocery store and seeing a new one on the racks. My dad was always annoyed that I would finish the book the very same day that he got it for me. Strangely enough the book never made me want to blond haired and blue-eyed, but it did make me wanna have dimples in the worst way.


4. Plastic Charm Necklaces: Believe these bright and clunky things were the must have accessories in my elementary school. Our teacher went so far as to use them as prizes during spelling and math bees. Even though I already had bunch of them, I was still jealous of any girl who had a charm that I didn't have. Particular favorites were an abacus, a baby bottle, and a record.




3. Nintendo: I wasn't one of the lucky kids to have a Nintendo at my house. However, I had friends who did. Many hours were spent parked in front of the television playing Mario or Donkey Kong. My babysitters would park me in front of their Nintendo in exchange for a few hours of privacy. I finally got a Nintendo in '93 when the original console was considered obsolete. Obsolete or not, I still got a kick out of playing it.




2. Cabbage Patch Kids: Forget Tickle Me Elmo, the demand for Cabbage Patch kids were way more insane. My dad braved the Christmas crowds in search of a brown eyed brown haired doll for my very own. Instead he got a me a blond haired blue eyed one and told me I should be grateful to have gotten that. I treasured that doll and kept with me for many many years. Once it stopped being interesting as a toy, it became a nostalgic artifact.



1. Madonna: I confess that I was a junior Madonna wannabe. Blame my babysitter who owned Like A Virgin and played it constantly. I begged for my own copy which I received as a birthday gift and I was hooked. She was the continuing soundtrack to my '80s childhood. My mother worked at a video store and managed to score me a cardboard cutout from Shanghai Surprise. I even lucked out and got to see her live during her Blond Ambition tour. To this day I'm still a fan.

Cradle Of Conspiracy

Unlike a lot of teen actresses in the late '90s, Danica McKellar pretty much avoided the Lifetime movie craze. So finding this one is a real treat.

Danica plays Kristin, a perfect Lifetime target. Smart, kind, bright future, she's just asking for something bad to happen to her. However the only problems she has right now are her parents who expect nothing but the best from her.

Seriously what the hell where we thinking in the '90s? I see Danica rocking the boxy denim jacket and high waisted shorts and chuckle. Then I realize that back then, people honestly believed that was a good look.

Kristin and a friend are almost run over by Kenny, who wears a leather jacket because obviously he's a bad guy. As an apology, he offers the girls a ride in his car. Kristin declines because good girls don't get into cars with strange men.

Kenny eventually wins Kristen over with promises of Hollywood and milkshakes. Kristin's fledgling relationship with Kenny concerns her mother. On their first date, Kenny takes the obviously underage Kristin to a bar. He bribes a bartender into serving them.

Kristin takes about 3 sips of beer, but that is enough to make her lose a big track meet. Is this the same super beer that made Zach Morris hit a tree after only one beer? Her mother is angry and forbids Kristin from seeing Kenny. She promptly goes to his place and loses her virginity.

Almost instantly, she gets pregnant. I guess drinking superbeer gives you super sperm. She tries to tell her mother but chickens out. She runs away with Kenny who is starting to up his creep factor a little bit. As her parents frantically look for her, Kenny takes her to an uber posh home for unwed mothers.


Kristin becomes friends with another pregnant girl, Donna (played by Melrose Place's Jamie Luner). Donna is a baby making machine who's in the middle of her third pregnancy. Literally, she's a baby making machine, the hotel pays her to be artificially inseminated and to hand over the babies to them.

Kristin's parents investigate Kenny's trailer and wind up at a house he was nearly arrested at. They meet another teen girl that was impregnated by Kenny. Super sperm, don't leave home without it. The parents begin to blame one another for Kristin's disappearance.

Kristin begins having doubts about Kenny and the hotel. Kristin's mom learns that her daughter is pregnant. Without even trying, they immediately locate the hotel via a newspaper ad. The hotel gives them the runaround so they contact a lawyer. She tells them that they need to get to her before she turns 18 and they lose all legal control over her.

Kenny convinces Kristin to call her parents and tell them to leave her alone. Another teen mother, Pam, wants to leave the hotel with her twin babies. She gives birth and is told that they both died, she tells Kristin that the hotel is lying. Kristin learns later on that she committed suicide.

As Kenny is fleeing the hotel with Kristin, the cops finally show up. Kenny is arrested for taking a minor across state lines. Kristin is reunited with her parents but continues to believe that Kenny's innocent. This girl needs a sharp blow to the head with a clue by 4.

Kristin's mom takes her to see Sarah, Kenny's other baby mama and learns that he tried to sell her baby as well. Kristin gives birth but wants to put it up for adoption. Her parents plead with her to keep it. Yeah, keep the constant reminder that the man you love used you as a prenatal ATM.

Kenny is released and is seen spying on Kristin and her family. Kristin's mom confesses that she was pregnant at 16 and had to give the baby up. This leads Kristen to bond with her baby. Kenny shows up and pleads with Kristin to let him hold the baby. When the dim bulb allows him to, he knocks her over with a bitch slap and takes off with the kid.

He's promptly arrested but they can't bust him for kidnapping since he is the baby's father. Why are all the cops in Lifetime movies so useless? Kristin visits him in jail and trades him her grandmother's expensive ring in return for signing away his parental rights.

After all he goes through to get that baby, he just gives it up for a ring. Jeez, most Lifetime villains would have fought to the death to get what they want?