The Valley Ain't That Sweet

  I consider myself an open-minded person especially when it comes to reboots. I'll see my favorite horror movies rebooted even though I know I'll hate them. I was probably one of the few people who actually liked the new Melrose Place. And when my childhood favorites grow up, I want to be there for it.

  Sweet Valley Confidential was a good idea but poorly executed. The problem is that our much loved characters have grown up to be well, pricks. Sweet Valley was supposed to be the impossibly pleasant world we grew up reading, with logic and common sense put on the back burner.

   The series picks up ten years after junior year. Elizabeth is a suffering writer living in New York. Jessica is still in California having stolen Todd from her twin. (Yet again.) The twins aren't talking, they are not even Facebook  friends. Steven's gay. And almost everyone who ever left Sweet Valley has decided to move back. Oh and they use the word "fuck" way too often. Swearing is not a grownup trait.

   The characters are bitter, depressing caricatures of their former selves. No one is happy nor does anyone end up truly happy. Everyone is rich, successful, and inexplicably child-free. Jessica is so whitewashed she is boring and Elizabeth's angst gets annoying after five pages. Winston Egbert, the sweetest most popular character of the series is destroyed. It's like the author hated these characters with a burning passion and wasn't about to hide it.

   Let's talk about the author, Miss Francine Pascal. We're aware that she farmed off the series on ghostwriters so it makes sense that she may not know some of the details. And I doubt reading all the books was on her hit list. But they couldn't have hired a fact checker? Minor inconsistencies I can handle the mistakes in SVC are far from minor.

   For instance, Suzanne Devlin allegedly died from a car accident after she mixed alcohol and MS medication. But wait, that didn't happen, she survived the car accident and it turns our her MS was a misdiagnoses. Remember when Cara moved to London and Steven moved on with Billie. No, you don't, because the books completely gloss over that storyline. But the character of A.J. Morgan is just mind-bogglingly wrong.

  A.J. first appeared in the series as a sweet, Southern, redheaded boy who moved to Sweet Valley during junior year. He dated Jessica then quickly faded away after the author broke them up. Suddenly he morphs in a blond, bad boy, surfer boy who was in middle school with the twins. Characters names are even messed up, Lila's father and Mr Collin's son being two of the casualties. Seriously, a fact checker would not have been that expensive, there are major fans out there who would have done it for free.

   The book totally rewrites the twins/Todd love story. Apparently Jessica and Todd never hooked up until college, ignoring countless furtive love affairs from the previous series'. The book wants us to believe that Todd and Jessica were meant to be. They even have three different perspectives of their first meeting to drive the point home. Elizabeth's supposed soul mate is Bruce Patman who's been in love with her forever. Yes, Bruce, the same guy that tried to rape her in a previous novel.

  Finally, Sweet Valley, the chaste world of virginal teenagers incorporates sex in the series. And it isn't pretty. I don't want to think of Elizabeth's taut nipples, or her inexplicable crying during sex. Nor do I want the image of Todd watching porn to ever enter my mind again.

  I wasn't expecting classic literature just a proper, sweet, revisit to a book series that I adored as a kid. Not a melodramatic poorly researched abomination. No, Francine, just no.

Sweet Valley University: Don't Answer The Phone

   There's good news and bad news. The good news is that I found a rare Sweet Valley book that is 97% Wakefield free. The bad news is that's all about Enid, baby.

    Alexandra (Don't Call Me Enid) Rollins is finally in a good place. She's popular, in love, and free from the shadow of St. Elizabeth. But she constantly fears that Enid will rear her ugly head and destroy everything she's worked for.

    Alexandra works a teen help line where she begins to receive threatening calls by a guy named Travis. Travis is in love with Enid and determined to "kill" Alexandra in order to protect her. Things get worse when he brutally murders another sorority girl who he mistakes for Jessica. Whoever authored this book is a sick puppy, after he murders the girl he rips earrings out of her ears and sends the flesh covered Valentine to Enid.

   Anyone who wants to murder a Wakefield twin, the line forms to the left. Yes, Jessica appears in this novel. The killer blames her and Lila for corrupting Enid. Jessica only appears in a couple of paragraphs. St. Elizabeth is only referenced in two sentences but never actually appears.

Alexandra is also having trouble with her boyfriend, Noah. She believes that he is in love with Enid not her. If this was a better book, Enidzandra would have a split personality or being impersonated by an evil lookalike but no, she just has an angsty, emo, personality conflict.

    So who is Enidzandra's bloody Valentine? Is it Noah, her increasingly paranoid boyfriend? Fred, the a-hole leader of the teen hotline? Luke, the sensitive art student whom Alexandra is attracted to?

   The answer is Luke who like Enidzandra is suffering from a personality crisis. TravLuke kidnaps Alex with the intention of freeing Enid from her via a knife. Noah attempts to save her but gets kidnapped at well. Enid gets the upper hand and defeats TravLuke.

     Noah and Enidzandra make up when he proves that he loves Alex not Enid. Um, ghostwriter, they are the same damn person. And he never even met her during her nerdy, mousy, years as Enid. Why would that even be a plot point?

     The book abruptly ends on that note, no explanation for TravLuke. No real resolution for Enidzandra and her personality troubles. No calling the cops since there is a dead body they have to account for. Just a pathetic kiss as the two walked off into the sunset.



   

  

Sweet Valley Reissues D.O.A

Yes, the rather questionable reissue of the Sweet Valley series has ceased publication. The series was supposed to span the first twelve books but have ceased after #6. Most likely due to lack of interest.

I have not read the books but have been following the changes via other people's blogs. I was disappointed. A lot of unnecessary changes in order to try to woo the younger readers in. Where does it say that a book series from the '80s cannot keep a newer generation from being interested without revamping it?

Imagine a reissue of Little Women where Jo gets mad at Amy for throwing her laptop in the fire. Makes you shudder, doesn't it?

Unleashing The Cheese On A New Generation

If you were a preteen or teenage girl in the 1980s, you probably have heard of Sweet Valley High. Well it looks like Random House is dusting off the series and updating it in an attempt to woo teenagers back into the trials and tribulations of the blonde and perfect Wakefield twins.

The updates according to a letter from Random House, will have Elizabeth as a the editor of the school website not a school paper, the twins will drive a red Wrangler not the iconic red Fiat, and the twins will be a perfect size 4 not a 6. As a perfect size 9, I'm a little offended that they felt the need to change that detail. Teenagers have enough body issues as is.

The most interesting change is the model who will be the new face of the twins on the covers. It's Leven Rambin, who currently stars on All My Children. Leven is no stranger to playing identical characters she plays an autistic girl named Lily and her older lookalike half sister Ava.

It should be interesting to see how a new generation will react to these books. If you want some snarky takes on Sweet Valley you should visit 1Bruce1 or The Dairi Burger, they are pretty hysterical.