UnSweetined or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the eBook

  I'll be the first to admit that I didn't think much of eBooks. I regarded them as impersonal and rather unnecessary. I never really gave them much though until the day I accidentally bought one. The verdict: Not that bad. I had the instant gratification of reading it right away and it was refreshingly cheap. The PC app that Barnes & Noble had also came with Pride and Prejudice, Dracula, and Little Women, completely free so double bonus.

   UnSweetined is a refreshing change from the usual memoirs that child stars are known to produce. It's not a sleazy tell all exposing the secrets of her co-workers for profit. Nor is it a I-Did-Drugs-But-It's-Not-My-Fault whinefest that's been so overdone.

    Jodie tells you exactly how it was going from unknown child to sitcom star and all the bad things it can bring. Being teased at school, people slipping autograph books under toilet stalls, and even cursed out by a "fan" for not signing an autograph. This book is probably the first book by a child star that made me truly understand how difficult it was.

   The thing that really made me think was that at the age of 14, her career was considered over. Imagine a career over at the age where most kids are getting their first jobs. Also, refreshing is how she approaches her drug/alcohol abuse. Most people blame everyone and everything for their drug use, Jodie is smart enough to accept responsibility for her actions.

    This memoir definitely ranks high on the list. It's honest, enlightening, and doesn't stoop to the level of the gossipy trash memoirs that seem to be littering the bookshelves lately. Whether you are or aren't a fan of Full House, I would recommend this book. It's worth the read.
   

Retro Flashback: Drop Dead Fred

  Drop Dead Fred is probably one of the most surreal movies I've ever seen. No, I am not talking about the plot. I am talking about the fact that this vulgar little gross out flick managed to garner such a top-notch cast.

   Fred centers around a young, childish woman named Lizzie (Phoebe Cates) who  loses her husband, car, and job in a single day. Forced to return to her domineering mother, she accidentally releases her long captive imaginary friend; Drop Dead Fred.

   With predicable results, Fred totally destroys what's left of Lizzie's life and she spends the rest of her life in an insane asylum. Just kidding. Of course, she becomes a strong independent woman who tells her hubby and mother where to stuff it. She gets a love interest five seconds later, because movies hate female characters who could actually live a happy life sans relationship. And Fred moves on to improve some other child's life.

    I am not sure what the creators of this film intended it to be. Was it a kid's film or an adult's film? Certainly it was aimed at children with it's near manic use of fart jokes and slapstick comedy. However the sexual jokes and the psychological abuse inflicted at the main character are certainly not kid-friendly.

    The most puzzling part of this film is the star power this silly little film managed to get. The great Marsha Mason forced to play fourth banana to the love child of Yahoo Serious and Jim Carrey? Try not to cringe when Carrie Fisher yells at an empty chair thinking it's Fred. Or the cute and talented Phoebe Cates ending her iconic career on this note. Well, Drop Dead Fred merely stunned her career, Princess Cariboo delivered the death blow.

  

True Confessions Of A Go-Go Girl

    Attention Lifetime: Next time just have the balls to do a movie about a stripper and save us a lot of pain. We meet plain Jane (Chelsea Hobbs) who commits the grievous sin of forgoing law school in order to (gasp) act. Her parents are against the idea so they refuse to support her decision.

    Jane meets some random stripper go-go dancer named Angela. Angela informs Jane that guys will pay lots of money to see a girl dance fully clothed. At the same time her acting professor wants her to create an alternate persona as an assignment. Jane considers this the best of both worlds and throws herself into it.

    Jane now flush with cash moves in with Angela whose druggie boyfriend has just stolen all her cash. Jane indulges her bad girl behavior at night while trying to keep her head above water. She is such a bad girl that she starts wearing black clothing and pleasuring her boyfriend in public. Unfortunately her new found persona falls flat at school as she is tempted to take drugs but doesn't.

    Angela continues to fall apart and becomes increasingly jealous of Jane's success. She gets fired for showing up high and flashing her bosoms. Jane and Angela audition at a higher end club that's less go-go and more ho-ho. Angela is told to get a boob job and Jane is offered a job which only fuels Angela's jealousy.

    Jane takes the job and continues to keep it from her boyfriend. She confides in Donna, an older go-go dancer that he just wouldn't understand. Donna is played by Rachel Hunter. What the hell happened to poor Rachel that she would be reduced to treacle like this?

    Unfortunately, Jane's father and boyfriend show up at the strip club and catch her big debut. Here's a question: Why would her boyfriend and father be going to strip clubs together? Kind of creepy if you ask me. Her father begs her to quit and promises to pay her not to strip and her boyfriend dumps her.

    Jane finds out that Angela is working a sleazy club sans her top. Oh, the horror, the unfathomable horror. She promises to quit if Jane joins her for a bachelor party. Like a moron, Jane accompanies her to a storage room full of drunk middle aged men. The unthinkable happens, one of the men has the audacity to treat Jane like a sex object. Angela is forced to mace a party goer and the girls make their escape.

     Due to her unexplained absences and overall bad acting, Jane is kicked out of acting school. Angela dies from a botched boob job. I am not kidding. A botched boob job. Lifetime just hit a new low in melodramatic stupidity.

     Jane learns the error of her dirty sinful ways but learns that Angela stole her mother's earrings and pawned them. Donna loans her the money to buy them back and Rachel Hunter dies a little inside. Jane confesses everything to her clueless mother who can't understand how her little girl could fail so epically.

     Everybody forgives Jane including her acting professor and Jane hangs up her stripper heels. She passes her class, reunites with her boyfriend, and learns a larger lesson in life.

    Seriously, Lifetime, seriously? Go-go dancing? You couldn't have just made it about a stripper? The main character spends her half the movie writhing on stage but don't you dare treat her like a sex object. And we're supposed to believe that men will waste hard earned money on a fully clothed woman, they can see that for free.

     And Rachel, all is forgiven, this awful movie wasn't your fault.

"Give me chocolate or I will cut you"

Glee. Rocky Horror. Two things that should have gone together like white on rice. How could something so potentially good go so so wrong.

Let's start with the sanitizing of the content. If you are going to pay tribute to a popular adult musical then you better have the cajones to do it right. Glaringly obvious during Emma and Will's rendition of "Toucha Toucha Touch Me"

"I thought there’s no use getting into heavy sweating"

"Then if anything shows while you pose"

  So words like heavy petting and if anything grows is considered to risque for FOX. FOX! The home of such ribald pleasures such as Family Guy and American Dad. Seriously?

  Then there is the serious miscasting. Mercedes steps up to fill the shoes of Frank N Furter and fails miserably. Granted the actress who plays Mercedes has a phenomenal voice, but she is all wrong for the role. John Stamos, Kurt, or even Sue would have been a better choice for the part. Other dishonorable mentions go to Quinn in the role of Magenta. Magenta is supposed to be dark and sultry, not bland and sweet.

    There were some good moments John Stamos got to do a number, Sue was hysterical, and Kurt made an awesome Riff Raff. It even featured a cameo by Rocky alumni Meatloaf and Barry Bostwick  The subplots were so-so dealing with male body image and Will and Emma's angsty romance yet again.

   My belief is that if you are going to pay tribute to an iconic musical, stay true to the material. Don't sanitize, butcher, or modernize it. Treat with the respect it so obviously deserves. Case in point, I present to you the butchering of Time Warp.

Lost Boys 3: The Thirst

  It's time to forget about Lost Boys 2: The Tribe (except for my fab review of course). The Thirst is the true sequel to the 1987 classic.

   The films reunites Lost Boys stars Corey Feldman and  Jamison Newlander as the now grown up Frog brothers. Edgar Frog is a destitute vampire hunter who is approached by a vampire romance writer whose brother has been kidnapped. Yes, the film pokes a bit of fun at Twilight but then again who wouldn't?

  Upon investigation, Edgar learns that a vampire DJ is using vamp's blood in order to create his own vampire army. With the reluctant help of his now vamped out brother, Alan, Edgar prepares to face the head vampire and save the world.

   Lost Boys 2 was okay but it seemed very loosely linked to the original. Lost Boys 3 is all about the original and not just with the actors. They quote the original film and tell you the fates of the characters of Michael, Starr, and Laddie. It's not only a movie but a kind-hearted tribute to fellow Lost Boys actor, Corey Haim who died recently. Numerous flashback scenes of him and the Frog brothers feature in the film. Yes, there is a version of Cry Little Sister in this as well, just not as cool as the original by G Tom Mac.

  This film doesn't have all the charm of the original but it's still fun. It's like Lost Boys with a bit of Blade and James Bond thrown in. It's action-packed and funny and a must see for any fan of the original film. I have seen a lot of '80s films given terrible straight to DVD sequels but The Thirst isn't one of them.

   I'll admit it, when the obligatory, tacked on, hinting at future sequel scene came on, I was excited. Based on how good this film is, I would definitely welcome a Lost Boys 4. And oddly I felt that long dormant teenage crush of Corey Feldman coming back again.

Suck

  Suck is a refreshing addition to the vampire genre. For way too long, vampires have been approached with just too much angst and not enough fun. Remember fun vampire films such as Lost Boys, Once Bitten and My Best Friend Is A Vampire?

  Suck brings back the fun of the vampire genre. It centers around a mediocre rock band who are (pardon the pun) dying to get their big break. Their big break comes in the form of bassist, Jennifer, who gets turned into a vampire. As the band slowly join the ranks of the undead, their career takes off and it looks like nothing can stop them. Except for a rabid vampire hunter (Malcolm McDowell) and the lead singer's choice of whether to make it big or stay alive.

  Suck is funny and intelligent with a lot of wonderful one liners. The music is awesome and the cast is one of the most top notch casts I have seen in a long while. Iggy Pop, Henry Rollins, Moby, Alice Cooper, and Malcolm McDowell, how many other movies can boast that cast. Jennifer is played by Jessica Pare who was wonderful in Lost and Delirious and Matt Foley is hysterical. I was suprised to see Mike Lobel who I loved on Degrassi show up in the film as the band's drummer.

    To future vampire movie creators, take note of this movie. This is the way to go. Insert more humor, more vampire pride if you will. I think fans of the vampire genre have had their fill of whiny pretty boys who do nothing but angst and brood.  It's about time that we, the movie viewers get something that's dark without being depressing, or funny without resorting to repulsive body humor.

   Suck stays original even up to the very end, it doesn't portray vampirism as this awful horrible thing that most vampire films would have done. If you like intelligent comedy and want to go back to the days where vampire movies were actually fun, then Suck is definitely a must rent movie.

What Jessie Spano Did On Her Summer Vacation

  
It's every teen idol's worst nightmare, being stereotyped and forced to play the same tired role for all eternity. All a male actor has to do is take a serious role as a drug dealer or cop and all is forgiven. A female actress unfortunately has to go slutty to get that same respect. Alyssa did it, Drew did it, but Elizabeth Berkeley took it one step forward. After Showgirls, people not only forgot Saved By The Bell, they forgot about Elizabeth as well.


Elizabeth plays Nomi Malone (No Me I'm Alone) a dancer with a dream. The movie opens up with her hitchhiking to Vegas. She is promptly picked up a guy who is already mentally preparing his Dear Penthouse letter. Nomi dashes those hopes with a switchblade and even insults his choice of music in the same breath.


Nomi's so-called street smarts evaporate when he claims that his uncle is a big muckedty muck at casino who can get her her dream job. She leaves her suitcase in his truck and goes off to gamble while he makes her dreams come true. She realizes soon enough that she has been scammed.


Nomi must have the most awesome suitcase ever. A guy gave her ten dollars in order to distract her in order to steal it. Nomi becomes unhinged and starts beating up the car next to her. The car's owner, Arlene, tries to stop her. Nomi promptly gets sick and then tries to throw herself in traffic. Seriously, what is in that suitcase.


Arlene sees this emotionally unstable drifter and thinks only one thing, perfect roommate material. Within weeks, they are super best friends. Nomi's a dancer at a sleazy strip club and Arlene works for a casino as a costume designer. Nomi attends one of the shows and meets Cristal (Gina Gershon) who insults Nomi's work. She promptly runs out and whales on Arlene's car again. That poor abused car.




She blows off work to go dancing in a club. When I say dancing, I mean something that's a cross between the Robot and the Macarena with some jazz hands for flair. Some dude named James tries to pick her up earning him a kick in the danger zone. Despite that, he still bails her out after she gets arrested.




Cristal shows up at the club with her agent/manager (Kyle MacLachlan) Zack in tow. She forces Nomi to give Zack a private dance with a happy ending. This scene is disturbing for me because essentially I am watching Jessie Spano give a lap dance to Orson Hodge. Cristal gives her the money implying, yet again, that's she's a whore. Well if it looks like a duck and acts like a duck.....




So the movie goes into a long boring 45 minutes consisting of Nomi slowly slutting her way to the top, James telling Nomi not to sell out before he then sells out, an epileptic love scene in a swimming pool and finally Cristal and Nomi's creepy love/hate relationship.




Nomi finally shoves Cristal down a flight of stairs and takes her place as the headliner of the show. Arlene is disgusted on how low her friend has stooped. She begs Arlene to forgive her and attend her premiere party. Arlene hooks up with her favorite rock star who like everyone else in this film (including the script writer and director) turns out to be a sadistic pervert. He puts Arlene in the hospital.




Of course, since the rock star is also a headliner, he is being protected by Zack. Zack plans to pay off Arlene and then tells Nomi that he knows that she used to be a hooker. There were about a half dozen scenes in this film where someone implies that she's a hooker and she gets offended. What was the point? Were they trying to make Nomi look less trashy in the film? If so, they failed.




Nomi won't allow that and exerts her own brand of slut justice on the rock star. She heads to the hospital to bid goodbye to Cristal and Arlen before hitchhiking off into the sunset. And you'll never guess who picks her up, yes the same sleazebag from the start of the films.




His trucks ricochets off to Hollywood as a knife happy Nomi demands to know where her special suitcase is.










Sorry for the month of blog silence. The boyfriend and I have decided to sell our house and move from Cali to Washington. No one told me that the act of selling a house can be so time consuming. But I'm back and there will be more entries to follow.