Whatever Mikey wants Mikey gets

    In the '90s, it was all about the killer child. You had such classics as Daddy's Little Girl and The Paperboy, even Macaulay Culkin got in on the action in The Good Son. Out of all of them, Mikey is hands down the best.

    Rather than waste half the movie with long drawn-out suspense scenes, Mikey cuts right to the chase. His family doesn't make it past the first 15 minutes. Mikey is adopted by another family who have no idea who they brought into their home. Of course, once things don't go his way he resorts to some very tough love.

   The most refreshing aspect of this movie is the death scenes, they are fairly realistic. These are kills that a young person could conceivably do. Some of the deaths in the other films would require the main character to have super human strength to pull it off.

    The cast of the film are pretty fun too. Mikey is played by Brian Bonsell, who is known for his roles as Andy Keaton on Family Ties and Worf's son Alexander on STNG. Brian Bonsell is a perfect choice for Mikey. He can play innocent just as well as psycho and there some really chilling scenes in the film. 

   A pre-Melrose Place, Josie Bisset, plays a neighbor who unfortunately catches Mikey's eye. And there's some horror royalty with Whit Hertford, who played Jacob in Nightmare on Elm Street 5.  They actually put in some fine performances despite the film's B movie status.

    The film does lose points for having the obligatory sequel hook but then again what horror film doesn't? It may be a B movie but it's actually well done. Any fan of the slasher genre should check this out, it's worth it.

Lesson for the day: Child proof caps save lives.

    Now I feel the need to add a disclaimer before I proceed. I am in no way making fun of cyberbullying, it's a serious topic that can destroy a person's life. However, if you are going to make a movie about the subject, try not to make it a melodramatic mess.

     We meet Taylor Hillridge, blond, well-liked, bright future, basically doomed. She is finally allowed to go online without her mother watching her every move. She joins a site called Clickster, which essentially Facebook with no rules and inexplicably no delete button.

    Taylor meets a cute guy online who is everything she ever wanted (sound familiar) but soon turns on her. The high school lemmings follow suit and soon Taylor is considered the town whore. Not only that her best friend and other man of her dreams abandon her as well.

    If things could not get worse, the viewers learn that her other best friend, Samantha created the dreamy guy's account in order to mess with Taylor. What possible reasons would she have to betray her best friend like that, you ask? Because Taylor liked a guy that Samantha didn't think was good for her. Apparently Samantha was wronged by a guy and sees all guys as the enemy.

   Taylor reaches the breaking point and posts a video implying that she is going to kill herself. Samantha sees the video and races to Taylor's house with Taylor's mom and ambulances in tow. They throw open the bathroom door to find Taylor struggling with a child-proof cap. Yes, I am not kidding, her whole suicide was thwarted because she couldn't figure out the complicated dynamics of a child proof cap.

   ABC Family, if you are trying to make me feel sympathy for the main character you failed.

   So Taylor gets counseling and Samantha confesses her role in the whole cyberbullying thing. Samantha is soon the school's whipping girl but feels she deserved it. Samantha essentially gets away with what she did. No arrests, no one sues her, and Taylor still hangs out with her. A great message to young teenage girls out there.

Taylor and her mom commit themselves to making a anti-bullying law. Taylor publicly confronts the head mean girl and her fairweather friends and dream guy join her accompanied by other outcasts. Of course, the head mean girl falls off her pedestal and the Internet is safe again. There is even a montage of kids texting one another in joy. All that is missing is a rising rendition of "Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead"  

    Did anyone involved in this movie ever see the movie Heathers? Sure, the head mean girl might be dethroned, but someone else will just take her place.  ABC Family had a great chance to shed some light on the issue but instead chose to make yet another unrealistic, melodramatic, teen movie.

True Blood: The Season of the Douche

 
  Season 4 of True Blood premiered last with an blend of awesomeness and ridiculousness. Let's start with Sookie's time in fairy land; hated it. The fairies were one of my favorite parts of the book series and it just came out as cartoonish at best. However, I did have a little giggle at Mr. Bill Lumbergh playing Sookie's grandpa, too bad his part was woefully short.

    True Blood has time skipped one year which I love. Two of my favorite shows, Desperate Housewives and One Tree Hill improved due to time skips, and I hope it does the same for True Blood. 

   Jason is still fantastically boring, I didn't like him in the books either. Equally boring is Sam and his angsty relationship with his brother. Hopefully introducing more shifters might make him a sight more interesting. The boring also accompanies poor V-addicted Andy, crazy Arlene, and sadly, the show's golden couple, Hoyt and Jessica.

   The whole Hoyt and Jessica thing ticked me off. We spent a whole season of Sturm und Drang before the couple got their happy ending. And first thing out the gate, they are at odds again. I know in television, happy couples are boring but would it kill them to give us a couple of happy episodes between the two?

   There were some good aspects to the premiere. I am loving the cool, confident, Tara. This is the Tara we fell in love with in the first season before becoming the perpetual victim we all know and loathe. Thank God, she ditched that hideous afro she sported in the Season 3 finale. Jesus and Lafayette are adorable but I am not feeling the witchcraft storyline. Pam is always awesome but woefully underused, get that girl a storyline, quick.
 
  And finally after seasons of teasing, Team Eric fans seem to be getting what they want. I may be in the minority but I never liked Bill and Sookie together. I never liked Bill, hence the douche remark. Oh yes, good old Bill, is in the mix as the King of Louisiana. Apparently his royal duties consist of playing hide the kielbasa with every available chick in Bon Temps. At least the books were kind enough to ship him off to Peru for awhile. I want Evan Rachel Wood back, she was my favorite.
 
   I did catch next week's episode on HBOGO, don't worry I won't review that until next week. I do have to say I should have waited to catch it on television. The damn thing stalled every ten minutes and the video quality jumped from good to crappy multiple times. Just a warning to those who want to catch it online.

An Ode To My Dead MP3 Player

   

  I own a Dell DJ, well owned one, I should say. It was a ludicrously heavy silver behemoth that had been discontinued three years before I purchased it from eBay. It was bare bones, no video, no color screen, no hope of syncing with iTunes. But I loved it, it was my constant companion.

   But without fanfare, it simply died. To my complete amusement, I realized that I had gone through the 5 stages of a grief.

   Denial: It's not broken, the batteries just dead. I'll charge it overnight, yeah, that'll work. It must be the cord maybe I'll angle it in this direction. It must be my USB port, I'll plug it in my boyfriend's computer, it'll work then.

   Anger: Why did you break down now? I have bills, I won't be able to afford one until next month. Why didn't you die when I got my tax return? Why did you die after I spent that Amazon gift certificate? Why? Why? Why? This sucks!! Why do these things always happen to me?

   Bargaining: Just come on one more time. I'll press the reset button and you'll turn on again. I'll be able to rescue my music. Listen DJ, I don't wanna rip all those CDs again. Please, just one little spark is all I ask.

   Depression: I really got to stop keeping you by my computer. I keep reaching for you and turning you on and nothing. I have no interest in purchasing new music. Exercising in silence is so boring. I can't keep you but I can't throw you away. You sit there silently mocking me.

    Acceptance: Well, the Sony Walkman is kind of swanky. Good price. It'll be nice to have video functions even if I never use them. It might be nice to have something more technologically advanced. The warranty will be a nice change.

     To my fallen musical comrade, you were a good investment. You survived countless falls to the floor, an impromptu puppy attack and an unfortunate trip through the washer and dryer. You managed to survive longer than any mp3 player ever had a right to. Why Dell stopped making you I'll never know. Farewell.

2011 Season In Review (Mild Spoilers)

  As another television season ends I'd share my thoughts on what I liked and hated this year


 The ones to watch...

    One Tree Hill is definitely the little show that could. It has run 8 seasons, half of them under the threat of cancellation. It managed to stay fresh and interesting despite the loss of two of their most popular cast members. It managed to introduce new characters successfully without shoving them down our throats.

    I loved the Stalker Katie storyline, Brooke finally getting her happy ending, and the hit and run mystery. The only episode that really bugged me was the lame ass superhero storyline. Camp is one thing but it completely missed the tone of the show. I appreciate the show for sticking to continuity and not just flat out ignoring past storyline like a lot of shows do.

    Thankfully CW is giving the show another season for a proper send off. My only request more Dan Scott, the show is lacking without him.

 
   Desperate Housewives was phenomenal this season. It was definitely a nod to the first season with the return of Paul, Felicia, and Zack. And revisiting Andrew's hit and run storyline was a great choice. I miss Drea DeMatteo but was excited to see Vanessa Williams take her place. The problem is that Vanessa Williams doesn't do anything, she just stands in a corner firing out sarcastic quips. This woman is an amazing actress and needs to be utilized.

    I liked Paul's storyline, Brian Austin Green's arrival as Bree's newest boy toy, and the resolution of the hit and run storyline. The baby switch storyline was a bust and I am glad they swept it under the rug. Susan is getting borderline ridiculous. I know the writer's want her to be wacky but there's a fine line between funny and annoying. But all in all good season.

  True Blood hits it's pique of awesomeness last season. There was character development, intriguing storylines, and it's usual blend of blood, sex, and humor.

   Bright spots include the hiring of Joe Manganiello as the werewolf Alcide. I love how the character of Tara has been allowed to evolve past a bitter victim and into more of a bad ass.  James Frain was a hoot as Tara's psychotic vampire boyfriend, Russell, I almost wish they'd let him live. As a self professed member of Team Eric, I am thrilled that they are starting to move forward with their storyline. Also of note was exploring Sookie's darker Fae side.

   I was not fond of Jason's storyline but then I have never really liked him. Lafayette was utterly and completely wasted. Sookie being taken away by the fairies at the end was cheesy and Bill's "power struggle" just did not fit his character. Also way too much time was devoted to Hoyt and Jessica's relationship as well as Sam's prodigal family.

   True Blood returns June 26th on HBO. And you can view the new season's trailer here .



    On the fence....

       Glee is like that ex you can't quite give up. I should hate it. They employed Gwyneth Paltrow, my least favorite of all actresses. They couple swap so often that it's just irritating. And I'll be honest I can't stand any of the new characters. John Stamos was cool but underused. We need more upbeat story lines like last season and less angst.

       But every once in awhile, I get sucked back in only to be disappointed.


  
    
 Evicted from my DVR...

        

    The very thing that attracted me to The Secret Life of the American Teenager was it's complete ludicrousness. I found their refusal to take themselves seriously. But sadly the very same ludicrousness is what is driving me away.

   These characters are supposed to be teenagers but are concentrating more on babies and weddings than college or keggers. The show so did not need yet another teen pregnancy and the Ricky/Amy/Ben/Adrian love trapezoid is a snore. The others characters are not picking up the slack either.

   Plus there is a severe lack of Molly Ringwald, the very reason I watched the show in the first place. I just can't watch anymore.

   And there you have it. Questions? Rebuttals? Drop a comment.

The Valley Ain't That Sweet

  I consider myself an open-minded person especially when it comes to reboots. I'll see my favorite horror movies rebooted even though I know I'll hate them. I was probably one of the few people who actually liked the new Melrose Place. And when my childhood favorites grow up, I want to be there for it.

  Sweet Valley Confidential was a good idea but poorly executed. The problem is that our much loved characters have grown up to be well, pricks. Sweet Valley was supposed to be the impossibly pleasant world we grew up reading, with logic and common sense put on the back burner.

   The series picks up ten years after junior year. Elizabeth is a suffering writer living in New York. Jessica is still in California having stolen Todd from her twin. (Yet again.) The twins aren't talking, they are not even Facebook  friends. Steven's gay. And almost everyone who ever left Sweet Valley has decided to move back. Oh and they use the word "fuck" way too often. Swearing is not a grownup trait.

   The characters are bitter, depressing caricatures of their former selves. No one is happy nor does anyone end up truly happy. Everyone is rich, successful, and inexplicably child-free. Jessica is so whitewashed she is boring and Elizabeth's angst gets annoying after five pages. Winston Egbert, the sweetest most popular character of the series is destroyed. It's like the author hated these characters with a burning passion and wasn't about to hide it.

   Let's talk about the author, Miss Francine Pascal. We're aware that she farmed off the series on ghostwriters so it makes sense that she may not know some of the details. And I doubt reading all the books was on her hit list. But they couldn't have hired a fact checker? Minor inconsistencies I can handle the mistakes in SVC are far from minor.

   For instance, Suzanne Devlin allegedly died from a car accident after she mixed alcohol and MS medication. But wait, that didn't happen, she survived the car accident and it turns our her MS was a misdiagnoses. Remember when Cara moved to London and Steven moved on with Billie. No, you don't, because the books completely gloss over that storyline. But the character of A.J. Morgan is just mind-bogglingly wrong.

  A.J. first appeared in the series as a sweet, Southern, redheaded boy who moved to Sweet Valley during junior year. He dated Jessica then quickly faded away after the author broke them up. Suddenly he morphs in a blond, bad boy, surfer boy who was in middle school with the twins. Characters names are even messed up, Lila's father and Mr Collin's son being two of the casualties. Seriously, a fact checker would not have been that expensive, there are major fans out there who would have done it for free.

   The book totally rewrites the twins/Todd love story. Apparently Jessica and Todd never hooked up until college, ignoring countless furtive love affairs from the previous series'. The book wants us to believe that Todd and Jessica were meant to be. They even have three different perspectives of their first meeting to drive the point home. Elizabeth's supposed soul mate is Bruce Patman who's been in love with her forever. Yes, Bruce, the same guy that tried to rape her in a previous novel.

  Finally, Sweet Valley, the chaste world of virginal teenagers incorporates sex in the series. And it isn't pretty. I don't want to think of Elizabeth's taut nipples, or her inexplicable crying during sex. Nor do I want the image of Todd watching porn to ever enter my mind again.

  I wasn't expecting classic literature just a proper, sweet, revisit to a book series that I adored as a kid. Not a melodramatic poorly researched abomination. No, Francine, just no.

Have The Critics Stopped Screaming, Craven?

   I'll admit it, I was excited when I saw the trailer for Scream 4. I have seen all my favorite horror films rebooted and unimagined, it's getting old. Having the original director and original actors of Scream reuniting was like a breath of fresh air.

   The film takes place 15 years after the events of Scream 1. Sydney is now survival girl pimping her latest book, when the murders start she becomes something she's never been before, a suspect. Dewey who is now a sheriff forces her to stay in Woodsboro until things clear up. Dewey and Gail are married which is kind of depressing when you remember that David Arquette and Courtney Cox are separated. Gail is bored with her small town life and suffering a case of writer's block.

    Sydney becomes concerned when her niece becomes a target of the new and improved Ghostface. Yes, I said niece. Sydney gets some random family members shoehorned into a script, Maureen apparently had a sister. A sister that is strangely absent from the series considering Maureen and her death was a cornerstone of the original trilogy.

     A major disappointment was the bevvy of known actresses who graced the trailer, Lucy Hale, Shanae Grimes, Anna Paquin, and Kristen Bell are only in the false openings of the films. Yes openings as in plural, one false start is cute but two that's just pushing it.

    As with the other Scream films, people die, the teenagers are precocious and obnoxiously genre savvy, and a killer is revealed. I won't spoil the film with the revelation of the killer I will only say that is was tacked on and dull.

    Logically, Sydney should have been the killer. Come on, for fifteen years, this character watched everyone near and dear to her slaughtered mercilessly. She had to kill her own brother and boyfriend. Death seemingly follows her wherever she goes, she's like a younger bustier Jessica Fletcher in that aspect. It certainly would of been a far more interesting ending.

   Scream 4 isn't bad, it's just not too original and pushes too hard to be trendy and "with it." It's a nice way to spend a couple of hours but don't expect the wit and suspense that made Scream 1 such a hit.