Sweet Valley University: Don't Answer The Phone

   There's good news and bad news. The good news is that I found a rare Sweet Valley book that is 97% Wakefield free. The bad news is that's all about Enid, baby.

    Alexandra (Don't Call Me Enid) Rollins is finally in a good place. She's popular, in love, and free from the shadow of St. Elizabeth. But she constantly fears that Enid will rear her ugly head and destroy everything she's worked for.

    Alexandra works a teen help line where she begins to receive threatening calls by a guy named Travis. Travis is in love with Enid and determined to "kill" Alexandra in order to protect her. Things get worse when he brutally murders another sorority girl who he mistakes for Jessica. Whoever authored this book is a sick puppy, after he murders the girl he rips earrings out of her ears and sends the flesh covered Valentine to Enid.

   Anyone who wants to murder a Wakefield twin, the line forms to the left. Yes, Jessica appears in this novel. The killer blames her and Lila for corrupting Enid. Jessica only appears in a couple of paragraphs. St. Elizabeth is only referenced in two sentences but never actually appears.

Alexandra is also having trouble with her boyfriend, Noah. She believes that he is in love with Enid not her. If this was a better book, Enidzandra would have a split personality or being impersonated by an evil lookalike but no, she just has an angsty, emo, personality conflict.

    So who is Enidzandra's bloody Valentine? Is it Noah, her increasingly paranoid boyfriend? Fred, the a-hole leader of the teen hotline? Luke, the sensitive art student whom Alexandra is attracted to?

   The answer is Luke who like Enidzandra is suffering from a personality crisis. TravLuke kidnaps Alex with the intention of freeing Enid from her via a knife. Noah attempts to save her but gets kidnapped at well. Enid gets the upper hand and defeats TravLuke.

     Noah and Enidzandra make up when he proves that he loves Alex not Enid. Um, ghostwriter, they are the same damn person. And he never even met her during her nerdy, mousy, years as Enid. Why would that even be a plot point?

     The book abruptly ends on that note, no explanation for TravLuke. No real resolution for Enidzandra and her personality troubles. No calling the cops since there is a dead body they have to account for. Just a pathetic kiss as the two walked off into the sunset.



   

  

Sarah T. - Portrait Of A Teenage Alcoholic

   Sarah T. Portrait of a Teen-Age Alcoholic is essentially a retelling of Go Ask Alice, only with booze. Our favorite possessed moppet Linda Blair plays Sarah who has just moved to a new town. She is insecure about everything until she makes a new friend,vodka.

   Sarah is set up on a pity date with Ken (a pre Star Wars Mark Hamill) who takes her to a party. Sarah is a wallflower until she gets drunk and "charms" the party goers with a off key version of Carole King's It's Too Late. What is it with 70s drug/drinking propaganda films ruining classic songs. Don't get me started on Go Ask Alice and their audio murder of Jefferson Airplane.



    Unfortunately, Ken has to take a wasted Sarah home and even endures the wrath of her parents. He still falls for her and the two begin dating. Despite this, Sarah continues to drink even letting the maid get fired rather than admit she's stealing booze.

   Ken wants her to stop so she attempts to. She attends an AA meeting but decides that she isn't an alcoholic and doesn't need help. This from the girl who spiked her AA punch with vodka. The movies even trots out an adorable 11 year old alcoholic to really drive the point home.

   Sarah is stuck babysitting and invites Ken over. She realizes that Ken has been seeing other girls, the two fight and he storms off. Bye bye, sobriety, Sarah celebrates with a bottle of elderberry wine. She ends up passing out and getting caught by the child's parents.

                                                          Screw you, Mark Hamill

   Sarah's mom and step dad finally take an interest in their wayward child and punish her. Sarah wants to live her real father whom she idolizes. Of course, Daddy Dearest is a slacker with a drinking problem of his own. Sarah is devastated when he refuses to take her in.

                                             Yes that is Larry Hagman and his Chia beard.

   Sarah goes on a drinking spree, it's even implied that she trades sexual favors for a bottle of vodka. She hides out in Ken's barn and steals his horse. She promptly rides the horse onto the freeway and gets hit by a car. Sarah survives but the horse has to be put down. And Ken most likely won't be taking Sarah to prom.

    Sarah is not arrested nor is she even put in rehab. But she realizes that she is an alcoholic and walks off into the sunset with her fellow AA members. The moral of this movie: Don't drink and ride bareback. God, I need a drink.

Jennifer, The Snake Goddess

   Jennifer a.k.a Jennifer the Snake Goddess was my holy grail of movies. I learned of this film's existence in one of Leonard Maltin's movie guides and was instantly intrigued. The movie and I shared a name and was also released the same year I was born.

    But the film remained elusive to me for many years, until one happy day I stumbled across a copy. A lot of people refer to this as a rip off of Carrie which was released two years prior. I don't see it, while it shares a similar plot it is a far superior movie.

    To start with the main character is more admirable than Carrie. She is no wilting violet languishing in a corner, she is a stronger and more intense heroine. Jennifer is played by Lisa Pelikan who deserved a better career than Ghoulies and Return to Blue Lagoon.

    Jennifer is a poor rural farm girl with a scholarship to an elite private school. Of course, that automatically makes her the school whipping boy. Her main nemesis is Sandra, an untouchable politician's daughter who is far more psychotic than any bully Carrie had to offer. Unfortunately for the mean girls, Jennifer has a special power that she has been trying to suppress for years.

    Carrie was an okay film with some iconic scenes and great cinematography  but was also marred by some horrid soundtrack choices and rampant over acting. Jennifer, however took itself seriously, there's no gore, no cheap scares tacked on at the end. This movie's horror was more subtle than scary. There's actual character and plot development. No blood or unnecessary nudity. A pleasure to watch.

     The movie was not 100% perfect, the film loses points during the big climax. This is the only point in the film where I agree with the rip off theory. Jennifer's psychotic death by jazz hands routine was painful to watch. And the snakes were bottom barrel special effects, and I don't mean by today's standards either. Come on this was the era of Star Wars and Jaws, they could have been slightly better.

    But all in all, Jennifer is well done horror film and twice as good as Carrie. I'd recommend it to any '70s horror movie enthusiast.

UnSweetined or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the eBook

  I'll be the first to admit that I didn't think much of eBooks. I regarded them as impersonal and rather unnecessary. I never really gave them much though until the day I accidentally bought one. The verdict: Not that bad. I had the instant gratification of reading it right away and it was refreshingly cheap. The PC app that Barnes & Noble had also came with Pride and Prejudice, Dracula, and Little Women, completely free so double bonus.

   UnSweetined is a refreshing change from the usual memoirs that child stars are known to produce. It's not a sleazy tell all exposing the secrets of her co-workers for profit. Nor is it a I-Did-Drugs-But-It's-Not-My-Fault whinefest that's been so overdone.

    Jodie tells you exactly how it was going from unknown child to sitcom star and all the bad things it can bring. Being teased at school, people slipping autograph books under toilet stalls, and even cursed out by a "fan" for not signing an autograph. This book is probably the first book by a child star that made me truly understand how difficult it was.

   The thing that really made me think was that at the age of 14, her career was considered over. Imagine a career over at the age where most kids are getting their first jobs. Also, refreshing is how she approaches her drug/alcohol abuse. Most people blame everyone and everything for their drug use, Jodie is smart enough to accept responsibility for her actions.

    This memoir definitely ranks high on the list. It's honest, enlightening, and doesn't stoop to the level of the gossipy trash memoirs that seem to be littering the bookshelves lately. Whether you are or aren't a fan of Full House, I would recommend this book. It's worth the read.
   

Retro Flashback: Drop Dead Fred

  Drop Dead Fred is probably one of the most surreal movies I've ever seen. No, I am not talking about the plot. I am talking about the fact that this vulgar little gross out flick managed to garner such a top-notch cast.

   Fred centers around a young, childish woman named Lizzie (Phoebe Cates) who  loses her husband, car, and job in a single day. Forced to return to her domineering mother, she accidentally releases her long captive imaginary friend; Drop Dead Fred.

   With predicable results, Fred totally destroys what's left of Lizzie's life and she spends the rest of her life in an insane asylum. Just kidding. Of course, she becomes a strong independent woman who tells her hubby and mother where to stuff it. She gets a love interest five seconds later, because movies hate female characters who could actually live a happy life sans relationship. And Fred moves on to improve some other child's life.

    I am not sure what the creators of this film intended it to be. Was it a kid's film or an adult's film? Certainly it was aimed at children with it's near manic use of fart jokes and slapstick comedy. However the sexual jokes and the psychological abuse inflicted at the main character are certainly not kid-friendly.

    The most puzzling part of this film is the star power this silly little film managed to get. The great Marsha Mason forced to play fourth banana to the love child of Yahoo Serious and Jim Carrey? Try not to cringe when Carrie Fisher yells at an empty chair thinking it's Fred. Or the cute and talented Phoebe Cates ending her iconic career on this note. Well, Drop Dead Fred merely stunned her career, Princess Cariboo delivered the death blow.

  

True Confessions Of A Go-Go Girl

    Attention Lifetime: Next time just have the balls to do a movie about a stripper and save us a lot of pain. We meet plain Jane (Chelsea Hobbs) who commits the grievous sin of forgoing law school in order to (gasp) act. Her parents are against the idea so they refuse to support her decision.

    Jane meets some random stripper go-go dancer named Angela. Angela informs Jane that guys will pay lots of money to see a girl dance fully clothed. At the same time her acting professor wants her to create an alternate persona as an assignment. Jane considers this the best of both worlds and throws herself into it.

    Jane now flush with cash moves in with Angela whose druggie boyfriend has just stolen all her cash. Jane indulges her bad girl behavior at night while trying to keep her head above water. She is such a bad girl that she starts wearing black clothing and pleasuring her boyfriend in public. Unfortunately her new found persona falls flat at school as she is tempted to take drugs but doesn't.

    Angela continues to fall apart and becomes increasingly jealous of Jane's success. She gets fired for showing up high and flashing her bosoms. Jane and Angela audition at a higher end club that's less go-go and more ho-ho. Angela is told to get a boob job and Jane is offered a job which only fuels Angela's jealousy.

    Jane takes the job and continues to keep it from her boyfriend. She confides in Donna, an older go-go dancer that he just wouldn't understand. Donna is played by Rachel Hunter. What the hell happened to poor Rachel that she would be reduced to treacle like this?

    Unfortunately, Jane's father and boyfriend show up at the strip club and catch her big debut. Here's a question: Why would her boyfriend and father be going to strip clubs together? Kind of creepy if you ask me. Her father begs her to quit and promises to pay her not to strip and her boyfriend dumps her.

    Jane finds out that Angela is working a sleazy club sans her top. Oh, the horror, the unfathomable horror. She promises to quit if Jane joins her for a bachelor party. Like a moron, Jane accompanies her to a storage room full of drunk middle aged men. The unthinkable happens, one of the men has the audacity to treat Jane like a sex object. Angela is forced to mace a party goer and the girls make their escape.

     Due to her unexplained absences and overall bad acting, Jane is kicked out of acting school. Angela dies from a botched boob job. I am not kidding. A botched boob job. Lifetime just hit a new low in melodramatic stupidity.

     Jane learns the error of her dirty sinful ways but learns that Angela stole her mother's earrings and pawned them. Donna loans her the money to buy them back and Rachel Hunter dies a little inside. Jane confesses everything to her clueless mother who can't understand how her little girl could fail so epically.

     Everybody forgives Jane including her acting professor and Jane hangs up her stripper heels. She passes her class, reunites with her boyfriend, and learns a larger lesson in life.

    Seriously, Lifetime, seriously? Go-go dancing? You couldn't have just made it about a stripper? The main character spends her half the movie writhing on stage but don't you dare treat her like a sex object. And we're supposed to believe that men will waste hard earned money on a fully clothed woman, they can see that for free.

     And Rachel, all is forgiven, this awful movie wasn't your fault.

"Give me chocolate or I will cut you"

Glee. Rocky Horror. Two things that should have gone together like white on rice. How could something so potentially good go so so wrong.

Let's start with the sanitizing of the content. If you are going to pay tribute to a popular adult musical then you better have the cajones to do it right. Glaringly obvious during Emma and Will's rendition of "Toucha Toucha Touch Me"

"I thought there’s no use getting into heavy sweating"

"Then if anything shows while you pose"

  So words like heavy petting and if anything grows is considered to risque for FOX. FOX! The home of such ribald pleasures such as Family Guy and American Dad. Seriously?

  Then there is the serious miscasting. Mercedes steps up to fill the shoes of Frank N Furter and fails miserably. Granted the actress who plays Mercedes has a phenomenal voice, but she is all wrong for the role. John Stamos, Kurt, or even Sue would have been a better choice for the part. Other dishonorable mentions go to Quinn in the role of Magenta. Magenta is supposed to be dark and sultry, not bland and sweet.

    There were some good moments John Stamos got to do a number, Sue was hysterical, and Kurt made an awesome Riff Raff. It even featured a cameo by Rocky alumni Meatloaf and Barry Bostwick  The subplots were so-so dealing with male body image and Will and Emma's angsty romance yet again.

   My belief is that if you are going to pay tribute to an iconic musical, stay true to the material. Don't sanitize, butcher, or modernize it. Treat with the respect it so obviously deserves. Case in point, I present to you the butchering of Time Warp.