Sweet Valley University: Don't Answer The Phone

   There's good news and bad news. The good news is that I found a rare Sweet Valley book that is 97% Wakefield free. The bad news is that's all about Enid, baby.

    Alexandra (Don't Call Me Enid) Rollins is finally in a good place. She's popular, in love, and free from the shadow of St. Elizabeth. But she constantly fears that Enid will rear her ugly head and destroy everything she's worked for.

    Alexandra works a teen help line where she begins to receive threatening calls by a guy named Travis. Travis is in love with Enid and determined to "kill" Alexandra in order to protect her. Things get worse when he brutally murders another sorority girl who he mistakes for Jessica. Whoever authored this book is a sick puppy, after he murders the girl he rips earrings out of her ears and sends the flesh covered Valentine to Enid.

   Anyone who wants to murder a Wakefield twin, the line forms to the left. Yes, Jessica appears in this novel. The killer blames her and Lila for corrupting Enid. Jessica only appears in a couple of paragraphs. St. Elizabeth is only referenced in two sentences but never actually appears.

Alexandra is also having trouble with her boyfriend, Noah. She believes that he is in love with Enid not her. If this was a better book, Enidzandra would have a split personality or being impersonated by an evil lookalike but no, she just has an angsty, emo, personality conflict.

    So who is Enidzandra's bloody Valentine? Is it Noah, her increasingly paranoid boyfriend? Fred, the a-hole leader of the teen hotline? Luke, the sensitive art student whom Alexandra is attracted to?

   The answer is Luke who like Enidzandra is suffering from a personality crisis. TravLuke kidnaps Alex with the intention of freeing Enid from her via a knife. Noah attempts to save her but gets kidnapped at well. Enid gets the upper hand and defeats TravLuke.

     Noah and Enidzandra make up when he proves that he loves Alex not Enid. Um, ghostwriter, they are the same damn person. And he never even met her during her nerdy, mousy, years as Enid. Why would that even be a plot point?

     The book abruptly ends on that note, no explanation for TravLuke. No real resolution for Enidzandra and her personality troubles. No calling the cops since there is a dead body they have to account for. Just a pathetic kiss as the two walked off into the sunset.



   

  

Sarah T. - Portrait Of A Teenage Alcoholic

   Sarah T. Portrait of a Teen-Age Alcoholic is essentially a retelling of Go Ask Alice, only with booze. Our favorite possessed moppet Linda Blair plays Sarah who has just moved to a new town. She is insecure about everything until she makes a new friend,vodka.

   Sarah is set up on a pity date with Ken (a pre Star Wars Mark Hamill) who takes her to a party. Sarah is a wallflower until she gets drunk and "charms" the party goers with a off key version of Carole King's It's Too Late. What is it with 70s drug/drinking propaganda films ruining classic songs. Don't get me started on Go Ask Alice and their audio murder of Jefferson Airplane.



    Unfortunately, Ken has to take a wasted Sarah home and even endures the wrath of her parents. He still falls for her and the two begin dating. Despite this, Sarah continues to drink even letting the maid get fired rather than admit she's stealing booze.

   Ken wants her to stop so she attempts to. She attends an AA meeting but decides that she isn't an alcoholic and doesn't need help. This from the girl who spiked her AA punch with vodka. The movies even trots out an adorable 11 year old alcoholic to really drive the point home.

   Sarah is stuck babysitting and invites Ken over. She realizes that Ken has been seeing other girls, the two fight and he storms off. Bye bye, sobriety, Sarah celebrates with a bottle of elderberry wine. She ends up passing out and getting caught by the child's parents.

                                                          Screw you, Mark Hamill

   Sarah's mom and step dad finally take an interest in their wayward child and punish her. Sarah wants to live her real father whom she idolizes. Of course, Daddy Dearest is a slacker with a drinking problem of his own. Sarah is devastated when he refuses to take her in.

                                             Yes that is Larry Hagman and his Chia beard.

   Sarah goes on a drinking spree, it's even implied that she trades sexual favors for a bottle of vodka. She hides out in Ken's barn and steals his horse. She promptly rides the horse onto the freeway and gets hit by a car. Sarah survives but the horse has to be put down. And Ken most likely won't be taking Sarah to prom.

    Sarah is not arrested nor is she even put in rehab. But she realizes that she is an alcoholic and walks off into the sunset with her fellow AA members. The moral of this movie: Don't drink and ride bareback. God, I need a drink.