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Sunday, March 7, 2010

The Party Never Stops: Diary of a Binge Drinker

Jesse is a blond, beautiful, smart girl with a bright future. She's also a character in a Lifetime movie. I'm gonna sing the doom song now.

Jesse meets her roommate, Shanna, and the two hit if off. Even though Shanna is a sorority pledge and Jesse is a jock. Suddenly a gaggle of giggling teenagers burst in bearing champagne and plastic champagne glasses. It turns out the single glass of champagne was super fun and leads her down the windy path of self-destruction.

Shanna begs Jesse to attend a party with her. Jesse can't, she has a 10:30 class in the morning. Jesse, you bloody amateur, you can party and still attend a 10:30 class, stop whining, and start binge drinking like Lifetime told you.

Soon Shanna and Jesse are three sheets to the wind and grooving to the most generic dance music that Lifetime likely got at a clearance sale. Oh horror of horrors, Jesse wakes up at 10:16 am and is late for class. She meets a nice guy named Colin who saves her from falling asleep in class.

Jesse tries to straighten up and fly right but misses the fun that booze and parties brought her. Shanna meets a guy and is rarely home. While having coffee with Shanna, Jesse notices Colin playing guitar on the street. If his tuition is reliant on his musician skills, he better drop out right this minute.

We cut back to poor Nancy Travis whose whole storyline so far consists of her missing her daughter. Lifetime wasting Nancy Travis' talent since 2007. At Shanna's bequest, Jesse agrees to go to a fraternity luau. Plastic cups of daiquiri goodness follow.

Jesse goes on a double date with Shanna and a couple of cardboard cutout studs. A nervous Jesse takes a swig out of a flask. Colin is there performing and gives Jesse an impromptu serenade.

Jesse gets drunk, loses her virginity to the cardboard cutout, and misses class. Of course, cardboard cutout doesn't call and Jesse begins to spend time with Colin who doesn't drink. Cardboard cutout finally calls and she ditches Colin. She only orders a Diet Coke, but no fear cardboard cutout has a flask. The flask to student ratio is very high at this college.

It turns out cardboard cutout has a girlfriend. Jesse mopes to a sad, generic, Sade ripoff until she gets the strength to party again. She drinks, falls asleep in class, and avoids her mother's calls.

Shanna and Jesse vow to stay at school and have a sober Thanksgiving with Chinese food and Spanish soap operas. Jesse goes home for Christmas and lies to her mom that she doesn't drink. Shanna gives her a fake ID as a gift. Colin asks Jesse out a date but she decides to hit the bars instead.

Jesse hooks up with some random guy and loses her cell phone. Nancy Travis wastes some more talent waiting by the phone. Jesse is horrified that she hooked up with someone she didn't know.

Nancy Travis finally does something in this movie. She goes up to surprise her daughter only to find her drunk. Jesse insults her mom who leaves but tells her that this isn't over. Shanna begs Jesse to lie to her mom and go to San Diego for a sober spring break. Sure, all the college girls go to spring break to avoid drinking.

5 seconds later, she is drunk again. She enters a wet t-shirt contest and flashes the crowd, unaware that a video camera is filming. Of course all that drinking catches up with her and she doesn't make the track team. Jesse's dirty video hits the Internet and her mother orders her to stop drinking or she'll stop paying for college.

Jesse heads to the frat for a non-drinking night of movie watching. Yes, lots of girls who want to quit drinking go to a frat to avoid alcohol. She sees cardboard cutout macking on some random girl and decides to drink.

Jesse's mom looks up binge drinking on the Internet. The viewers are bombarded with a bunch of statistics. Sexual assaults, vandalism, and death, oh my. Someone asks a frat brother to move his car, Jesse insists that he's too drunk and does it instead. She crashes into a fire hydrant and the campus police arrive.

Jesse only gets probation though and promises her mom that she'll go to counseling. In a guitar driven montage, she gets her act together and hooks up with Colin. As the school year ends, Shanna invites Jesse to a party on the roof, Jesse declines. Shanna swears that she'll only have a couple. Why do I suddenly get the feeling that Shanna's gonna go squish?

Jesse and Colin wind up attending the party and are greeted by a drunk Shanna. Jesse is kind of disgusted by the way the girls are behaving and leaves. Shanna doesn't go squish but instead goes to the frat house for more booze.

Colin admits that he used to be a drinker and lost his scholarship and girlfriend because of it. She kisses him. We see Shanna showing up at another party. Shanna succumbs to sweet lady alcohol poisoning.

Everyone learns a larger lesson in life. And once again Lifetime cruelly snatches two hours our of my life.


nikki said...

Lifetime warning: IF YOU DRINK YOU WILL DIE!

Sadako said...

"It turns out the single glass of champagne was super fun and leads her down the windy path of self-destruction."

I'm reminded of go ask alice, which is like...the bible for all other "Don't drink/do drugs/have sex/have fun" books/movies.