Co-ed Call Girl

 Once again, I dive into the pink ghetto known as Lifetime. Like the Nostalgia Critic, I watch it so you don’t have to.

Ahh, Tori Spelling, the spoiled rotten fruit of Aaron Spelling’s loins, how I loathe her. I try not to be that person who hates a celebrity but she just doesn't make it easy. I even read her biography in a last ditch attempt to quell my hatred, it didn't work.

Tori plays Joanna, every Lifetime girl ever. She is a smart girl with a bright future, you know doomed. Her roommates hate her probably as much as I do. As a prank, they call an escort service and leave Joanna’s name asking them for a job.

They actually call her back. This escort service is so desperate that Tori freaking Spelling is a viable option!  The girl who recruits her is played by Jeri Lynn Ryan, a girl you would actually pay for. Joanna meets her favorite author and promptly beds him, getting a healthy paycheck in return.

Joanna soon learns that prostitution does not mean she can’t sleep her way through the male population of her bookshelf. Her pimp, Ron, spends half the film cajoling her and the other half threatening her. At one point he punishes her by selling her to a client for 50 bucks, which is still highway robbery.

Ron attempts some forceful sampling of his own and Joanna shoots him. She’s arrested but the courts declare her to be like totally innocent, ya’ll.  Flanked by her mother and boyfriend, she gives the pimp a triumphant glare before trotting off to her happy ending.

About that happy ending, it’s bullshit.

• ·         She was arrested and her college’s name was dragged through the mud. You really think they are not going to kick her out of there.
• ·         She also shot a man and admitted to being a hooker, you can kiss any job that requires a background check goodbye
• ·         The pimp that she shot is alive; she’s about 20 seconds away from a drive-by shooting carried out by a neckless goon named Big Lou.

Thank you, Lifetime. If it weren't for your terrible and oddly addictive movies, I could actually maintain my self-respect.

True Confessions Of A Go-Go Girl

    Attention Lifetime: Next time just have the balls to do a movie about a stripper and save us a lot of pain. We meet plain Jane (Chelsea Hobbs) who commits the grievous sin of forgoing law school in order to (gasp) act. Her parents are against the idea so they refuse to support her decision.

    Jane meets some random stripper go-go dancer named Angela. Angela informs Jane that guys will pay lots of money to see a girl dance fully clothed. At the same time her acting professor wants her to create an alternate persona as an assignment. Jane considers this the best of both worlds and throws herself into it.

    Jane now flush with cash moves in with Angela whose druggie boyfriend has just stolen all her cash. Jane indulges her bad girl behavior at night while trying to keep her head above water. She is such a bad girl that she starts wearing black clothing and pleasuring her boyfriend in public. Unfortunately her new found persona falls flat at school as she is tempted to take drugs but doesn't.

    Angela continues to fall apart and becomes increasingly jealous of Jane's success. She gets fired for showing up high and flashing her bosoms. Jane and Angela audition at a higher end club that's less go-go and more ho-ho. Angela is told to get a boob job and Jane is offered a job which only fuels Angela's jealousy.

    Jane takes the job and continues to keep it from her boyfriend. She confides in Donna, an older go-go dancer that he just wouldn't understand. Donna is played by Rachel Hunter. What the hell happened to poor Rachel that she would be reduced to treacle like this?

    Unfortunately, Jane's father and boyfriend show up at the strip club and catch her big debut. Here's a question: Why would her boyfriend and father be going to strip clubs together? Kind of creepy if you ask me. Her father begs her to quit and promises to pay her not to strip and her boyfriend dumps her.

    Jane finds out that Angela is working a sleazy club sans her top. Oh, the horror, the unfathomable horror. She promises to quit if Jane joins her for a bachelor party. Like a moron, Jane accompanies her to a storage room full of drunk middle aged men. The unthinkable happens, one of the men has the audacity to treat Jane like a sex object. Angela is forced to mace a party goer and the girls make their escape.

     Due to her unexplained absences and overall bad acting, Jane is kicked out of acting school. Angela dies from a botched boob job. I am not kidding. A botched boob job. Lifetime just hit a new low in melodramatic stupidity.

     Jane learns the error of her dirty sinful ways but learns that Angela stole her mother's earrings and pawned them. Donna loans her the money to buy them back and Rachel Hunter dies a little inside. Jane confesses everything to her clueless mother who can't understand how her little girl could fail so epically.

     Everybody forgives Jane including her acting professor and Jane hangs up her stripper heels. She passes her class, reunites with her boyfriend, and learns a larger lesson in life.

    Seriously, Lifetime, seriously? Go-go dancing? You couldn't have just made it about a stripper? The main character spends her half the movie writhing on stage but don't you dare treat her like a sex object. And we're supposed to believe that men will waste hard earned money on a fully clothed woman, they can see that for free.

     And Rachel, all is forgiven, this awful movie wasn't your fault.

The Face On The Milk Carton

I've been searching for this film for years. Lifetime failed me, ditto Amazon and Netflix. I begin to wonder if I would ever be able see the movie version of one of my favorite books. Be careful what you wish for. There's a very good reason this film still languishes in the VHS hell in our modern age of DVD.

Let's start with the movie's length. The producers of the film inexplicably crammed both Face On The Milk Carton and Whatever Happened To Janie into a two hour format. Not even two hours, it originally aired on national television, so a half hour consisted of commercials.

Can a film be too rushed and overly drawn out at once? This film can. Barely a minute after the film starts Janie finds her picture on the milk carton. In less than half an hour, Janie learns about Hannah and the cult and then the film grinds to a halt. Reading about Janie agonizing over whether to contact the people looking for her is better than having to watch it.

The second part where she returns to her family is considerably better. Richard Masur plays her biological father. I have an unexplainable crush on him dating back to My Girl in '91. I'll watch anything with him in it. The movie has some awesome casting including Sharon Lawrence and Richard Herrman.

You probably noticed that I did not include Kellie Martin who plays Janie. The reason: As good as an actress she is, she just isn't who I pictured as Janie. Janie struck me a normal, average girl next door type. Kellie unfortunately brings to Janie the same nervous, precocious, energy she brings to all her roles. If Juno had been released ten years earlier, she would have been a shoo-in for the role. But Juno is no Janie.

Also, Janie looks nothing like her siblings. A big deal in both the book and movie is how she looks so much like her other siblings.

This is not how I pictured Janie when I read the book.

Awesome casting, the actors actually look like brother and sister. But Janie looks nothing like them no matter what the film wants you to believe. She doesn't even have the same shade of red as her mother and siblings do.

The story would have been better off as a four hour miniseries. It would've given the film more time for plot and character development, both missing from the movie version. I am both glad to have finally seen the film but disappointed in how it was handled.

Mother May I Sleep With Danger?

Why not? You've slept with everybody else.


Next to 15 and Pregnant this is one of my favorite Lifetime Movies. It's so deliciously bad, yet you can't not watch it. Like another Lifetime "classic" A Secret Between Friends, it's set in my old hometown of Seattle.

The movie begins with a handsome young lad knocking on his girlfriend's door armed with a teddy bear. The guy is played by Ivan Sergei who you may recognize from Charmed. He becomes unhinged when he sees that she took his pictures down and promptly kills her.

We are then introduced to Laurel Lewisohn (Seriously?) played by a briefly red-haired Tori Spelling. Like all Lifetime heroines before her she has a bright future but has no time for love. Enter "Kevin" who flashes his dimples and promptly wins her over.

Unlike her daughter, Laurel's mother has a brain. She picks up on the oh so obvious warning signs emanating from her new beau. Like what he chose to wear to dinner.


Of course, Laurel is clueless. Even when he stalks her, displays signs of jealously, and acts downright abusive. She forgives him over and over again. She even dyes her hair blond like his former girlfriend used to. Because this Lifetime and they hate us.

But trouble looms on the horizon, psycho boy is obviously not "Kevin." The real Kevin has been in Alaska all this time. The real Kevin is played by Lochlyn Munro, who coincidentally starred in both A Secret Between Friends and Charmed.

Eventually Laurel wises up to her boyfriend's craziness and bails on him. Instead of say, going to the cops, she goes to a dance club and dances with another guy. "Kevin" beats him up and lures Laurel outside to talk. It wasn't that hard to lure her out, he dangled something shiny.

He talks a pretty tale about getting help but drugs Laurel's drink and kidnaps her. "Kevin", this character is clinically brain dead, you didn't need to go to all that trouble. Just tell her you're taking her out for ice cream.

Luckily for Laurel, her mother has been doing some snooping and finds out the truth. She tracks down her daughter who is being held hostage at a family cabin in the woods. Mrs Lewisohn, your daughter's an airhead and this will likely happen again, lo jack the bitch and save us some trouble.

Laurel manages to get away and we get a long boring chase scene. Mrs. Lewisohn shows up at the cabin without any police accompaniment. Like mother, like daughter I guess. She promptly gets knocked out and more boring chase scenes ensue. Tori finds a canoe but doesn't go far. Hard to paddle a canoe with only one oar. "Kevin" capsizes the boat but sadly, Laurel can swim.

Mother and daughter reunite to kick some psycho ass. Damn it, "Kevin", next time you have an axe and are five feet from Tori Spelling, use the damn thing. Laurel knocks Kevin into the water with an oar and he vanishes.

He shows up at another college dressed like a reject from Grease and finds a new blond girl to love. Hopefully she'll ask her mother before she sleeps with danger.

They Shoot Housewives Don't They?

So awhile ago I had the "pleasure" of watching Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story on Lifetime. I wanted to find the other movies since it has been ages since I have seen them. Thanks to the awesomeness of cable and Netflix, I finally got my wish. Here's how the three movies stacked up.

Amy Fisher: My Story a.k.a Lethal Lolita (1992) : . This NBC offering is from Amy Fisher's point of view. Typical tale of a teen seduced by a married man and convinced to kill his wife. Amy sold her rights to her story to help with her bail. NBC was originally going to air it on January 17th until they learned that CBS and ABC were airing their versions 4 days prior. The film ended up airing on December 28 of 1992.
Newcomer Noelle Parker plays Amy. She is the best Amy of the trilogy, in accent and looks. The movie doesn't sanitize or gloss over the gritty details. Unfortunately it gets boring rather quickly. A half hour of the movie is literally Amy arguing with Joey, he doesn't want her dating other guys but refuses to leave his wife for her. Or Amy arguing with her lover Paul, he wants her to leave Joey but refuses to leave his girlfriend for her. Ad nauseum. The movie ends with Amy going to prison regretting ever meeting Joey.

Casualties of Love: The "Long Island Lolita" Story: This version aired on CBS in January of 1993. It is obviously from the Buttafuccos point of view. Joey is portrayed as a faithful husband and father tormented by a teenage seductress. The movie ends with Amy getting her just desserts as the family rejoices. Alyssa Milano shed her good girl image in order to play Amy. As far as accuracy goes, Milano is the least believable in the trilogy. Alyssa makes no real effort to channel Amy and she comes off as one note and boring.

It's understandable though. It's the Buttafucco's version so they concentrate more on themselves and not so much on Amy. Reportedly they were paid 30,000 for their story.

The Amy Fisher Story a.k.a Beyond Control (1993): To this day, I still have no idea whose point of view this story is supposed to be from. I don't even think that ABC knew. Half the movie portrays Amy as a poor misled girl being unfairly punished. The other half portrays Amy as a manipulating, sex driven, seductress determined to get her way at all costs.

Drew Barrymore played Amy Fisher in this film. While she may not have looked too much like Amy, she did a good job of behaving like her. Her accent is halfway decent and if anyone fits the persona of a Lethal Lolita, Drew does.

I didn't like this film when it first aired but second time around I adored it. This version in my opinion is the most fun and entertaining of the trilogy. B grade cheesiness at it's finest.

Fifteen And Pregnant

"Don't your brain ever hurt from thinking so much?" This is one of the first sentences to welcome us to Fifteen and Pregnant. Accompanied by a cheesy pop tune, Kristen Dunst loses her virginity to her boyfriend. "Don't tell me you love me if you don't" she whispers to him.

Tina's parents are divorcing, her brother is leaving to live with her father, and her bad boy boyfriend has just dumped her. Don't be sad they dated from July to October, that's like a century in teen years. Tina is a good Christian girl, in a Lifetime movie, and she's had sex. Doom, Doom, Doomedy Doom.

Tina's mother starts to notice that Tina is sporting a baby bump. Poor Park Overall, she was my favorite actress in the '90s. In this film, she is just a whiny, walking, talking PSA. Tina takes a pregnancy test and confesses all to her mother.

By the way, abortion is the most horrible, wrong, grossest thing ever, according to Tina. Really, Lifetime, you really wanna go there? She worries about things all teen moms worry about. Will she have to give up soccer? Who wrote this movie, The Church Lady from SNL?

Morning sickness rears it's ugly head for Tina. There are many scenes in this film that makes me laugh, but the morning sickness scene takes the cake. Despite being suddenly sick, Tina has the time to turn on the shower to mask the sounds. Who really has the time to do that when you are suddenly ill?

A clueless Ray shows up at Christmas but Tina's mom sends him away. Tina's younger sister can't take the insanity and wants to live with her father. Enter Tina's friend, the other teen mom, juggling the weight of work, day care, and two whole college classes. She's the walking, talking, PSA for abstinence.

Ray has heard about the pregnancy and vows to be a better father than his dad. He's got nothing better going on, why not have a kid? Seriously who writes this movie? Tina's worst fear is confirmed, she can no longer play soccer. The school wants to send her off to one of those special unwed mother schools. Do special unwed mom schools really exist? I've known a couple of teen moms and they were allowed to continue going to school.

Tina is by far the whiniest character that Lifetime has to offer. I understand that she's supposed to be immature and hormonal but she's irritating as hell. Kara Thrace (a.k.a Starbucks from BSG.) plays a single mom and another one of the movies many object lessons.

Ray pulls the how do I know the baby's mine card and skips out. And promptly starts screwing other women. Ray then has the audacity to get mad when she doesn't invite his relatives to his baby shower. He offers her a car seat and a stroller, such a prince. Tina catches him making out with a girl in the mall and confronts him. She warns the girl that he will knock her up too.

There's a useless grandmother character who shows up and lectures everybody. And for some reason her theme song is some banjo/accordion monstrosity. There was no reason for this character at all.

Tina must live in the town without pity because nobody shows up for her baby shower. The younger sister decides to move back in and help her sister out. Tina's parents begin to fall in love all over again. If I can't hate Tina more, she refers to one of her classmates' baby as fat with ugly hair. Seriously?

Tina and her teen mom get into an argument over who's the worst teen mom ever. Tina has a hissy fit when her sister fractures her ankle and takes over the couch that Tina was sitting on. They tell this poor injured girl to move so her whiny sister can be happy. Hey, it is possible to hate this character more. The sisters do attempt to bond but it doesn't go well.

The younger sister grows tired of being in her sister's shadow and goes off to live with useless grandmother. As soon as sister leaves dad moves back in. Way to make the younger sister feel even more unloved.

Tina goes into labor with her mom, dad, other teen mom, and other teen mom's mom in attendance. Don't hospitals have rules about immediate families only. Ray shows up for the birth with his girlfriend (classy) and is told to get out by Tina's father. She gives birth to a boy.

Useless grandmother and unloved sister show up to see the kid. Everything oohs and aahs in slow motion as Tina chirps about how hard it's going to be being a teen mother. Lifetime, you owe me.

The Party Never Stops: Diary of a Binge Drinker

Jesse is a blond, beautiful, smart girl with a bright future. She's also a character in a Lifetime movie. I'm gonna sing the doom song now.




Jesse meets her roommate, Shanna, and the two hit if off. Even though Shanna is a sorority pledge and Jesse is a jock. Suddenly a gaggle of giggling teenagers burst in bearing champagne and plastic champagne glasses. It turns out the single glass of champagne was super fun and leads her down the windy path of self-destruction.

Shanna begs Jesse to attend a party with her. Jesse can't, she has a 10:30 class in the morning. Jesse, you bloody amateur, you can party and still attend a 10:30 class, stop whining, and start binge drinking like Lifetime told you.

Soon Shanna and Jesse are three sheets to the wind and grooving to the most generic dance music that Lifetime likely got at a clearance sale. Oh horror of horrors, Jesse wakes up at 10:16 am and is late for class. She meets a nice guy named Colin who saves her from falling asleep in class.

Jesse tries to straighten up and fly right but misses the fun that booze and parties brought her. Shanna meets a guy and is rarely home. While having coffee with Shanna, Jesse notices Colin playing guitar on the street. If his tuition is reliant on his musician skills, he better drop out right this minute.

We cut back to poor Nancy Travis whose whole storyline so far consists of her missing her daughter. Lifetime wasting Nancy Travis' talent since 2007. At Shanna's bequest, Jesse agrees to go to a fraternity luau. Plastic cups of daiquiri goodness follow.

Jesse goes on a double date with Shanna and a couple of cardboard cutout studs. A nervous Jesse takes a swig out of a flask. Colin is there performing and gives Jesse an impromptu serenade.

Jesse gets drunk, loses her virginity to the cardboard cutout, and misses class. Of course, cardboard cutout doesn't call and Jesse begins to spend time with Colin who doesn't drink. Cardboard cutout finally calls and she ditches Colin. She only orders a Diet Coke, but no fear cardboard cutout has a flask. The flask to student ratio is very high at this college.

It turns out cardboard cutout has a girlfriend. Jesse mopes to a sad, generic, Sade ripoff until she gets the strength to party again. She drinks, falls asleep in class, and avoids her mother's calls.

Shanna and Jesse vow to stay at school and have a sober Thanksgiving with Chinese food and Spanish soap operas. Jesse goes home for Christmas and lies to her mom that she doesn't drink. Shanna gives her a fake ID as a gift. Colin asks Jesse out a date but she decides to hit the bars instead.

Jesse hooks up with some random guy and loses her cell phone. Nancy Travis wastes some more talent waiting by the phone. Jesse is horrified that she hooked up with someone she didn't know.

Nancy Travis finally does something in this movie. She goes up to surprise her daughter only to find her drunk. Jesse insults her mom who leaves but tells her that this isn't over. Shanna begs Jesse to lie to her mom and go to San Diego for a sober spring break. Sure, all the college girls go to spring break to avoid drinking.

5 seconds later, she is drunk again. She enters a wet t-shirt contest and flashes the crowd, unaware that a video camera is filming. Of course all that drinking catches up with her and she doesn't make the track team. Jesse's dirty video hits the Internet and her mother orders her to stop drinking or she'll stop paying for college.

Jesse heads to the frat for a non-drinking night of movie watching. Yes, lots of girls who want to quit drinking go to a frat to avoid alcohol. She sees cardboard cutout macking on some random girl and decides to drink.

Jesse's mom looks up binge drinking on the Internet. The viewers are bombarded with a bunch of statistics. Sexual assaults, vandalism, and death, oh my. Someone asks a frat brother to move his car, Jesse insists that he's too drunk and does it instead. She crashes into a fire hydrant and the campus police arrive.

Jesse only gets probation though and promises her mom that she'll go to counseling. In a guitar driven montage, she gets her act together and hooks up with Colin. As the school year ends, Shanna invites Jesse to a party on the roof, Jesse declines. Shanna swears that she'll only have a couple. Why do I suddenly get the feeling that Shanna's gonna go squish?

Jesse and Colin wind up attending the party and are greeted by a drunk Shanna. Jesse is kind of disgusted by the way the girls are behaving and leaves. Shanna doesn't go squish but instead goes to the frat house for more booze.

Colin admits that he used to be a drinker and lost his scholarship and girlfriend because of it. She kisses him. We see Shanna showing up at another party. Shanna succumbs to sweet lady alcohol poisoning.

Everyone learns a larger lesson in life. And once again Lifetime cruelly snatches two hours our of my life.

David Silver.....you are the father

In this film, we meet promising musician, Jason Kempler. Jason is played by Brian Austin Green who not only failed at rapping but also lip syching. At one of his gigs he meets Melanie Crane played by Nicholle Tom and sparks fly.

Melanie fails as an artist judging from an awful picture that she draws of Jason. They share a sickeningly sweet kiss and off to his daddy's yacht they go. It only takes moments for the two of them to knock boots. They don't have a condom, hence the title.

The next day, Melanie goes to see Jason again. But she catches him soulfully singing to another girl and her heart is broken. We learn a little more about Jason, college student, car salesman, and future rock star. Of course, if you have a bright future in a Lifetime movie, you're doomed.

Right on schedule, Melanie misses her period and feels nauseous. She breaks the news to Jason who doesn't want to believe that the baby is his. He reminds Melanie that she hooked up with him 5 minutes after they met. All he can offer her is money and a ride to the abortion clinic.

She goes to the abortion clinic with her best friend but chickens out. In the very next scene, the baby has been born. Fastest Lifetime pregnancy ever. Melanie's mom had Melanie at 15 and is none too keen on having the baby there. When Melanie is not arguing with her mother, she is stalking Jason, whose future is getting brighter by the minute.

Melanie and her mom argue some more and Melanie packs her bags and leaves a note. She waits outside Jason's house and watches him hooking up with a girl through the windows. When he is alone, she knocks on the door, shoves the baby at him and takes off.

Since Jason does not know her last name or where she lives, he's stuck with the kid. He has to get a DNA test and foster care is full. He goes to Melanie's former work but the boss won't give out that information. He runs into Melanie's best friend who takes him to see Melanie's mom. Melanie's mom not only does not care where her wayward daughter is, she shows no interest in her grandson either.

While Melanie flees to California, David's life gets progressively worse. His dad fires him from the car lot and also fires the baby's nanny. His band also can't deal with his drama and kick him out of the group.

The DNA tests come back and Jason Kempler.....you are the father. "Mazel Tov" the doctor tells him. I am disappointed, Faye Grant is in this movie but she really doesn't do anything except bitch about the baby. I loved her in V.

Single fatherhood gets to be too much for Jason, and he thinks about abandoning the baby but doesn't. Jason's father kicks him out of the house and he rents a rickety old houseboat. Which is the perfect environment for an infant. While moving in, he nearly drops the baby and his prized guitar in the water. He can only save one and chooses the baby. Since he sucks as a musician, it was the best choice he ever made.

As father and son bond, Melanie leaves Cali and starts working her way home. At Melanie's bequest her best friend goes to visit Jason. She's impressed by his parenting skills after he saves the baby from touching a hot cup of coffee.

Needing work he applies to be a model home salesman but instead winds up as a construction worker. His co-workers hate his Yuppie ass, I don't blame them even I hate his Yuppie ass. Melanie takes a job at a small diner. Jason convinces Melanie's mom to sit for the baby.

Jason's goes to a friend's party and ends up drunk in the backseat of a car with a chick. He doesn't have a condom but she doesn't mind. But Jason has learned a larger lesson in life and hightails it out of there. He arrives drunk and tries to take the baby home, Melanie's mom stops him and makes him stay there. The next day, she tells that he has got to be grow up and be a better father.

Things get tougher for Jason, his electricity is shut off, his son has to go the ER, and he loses his job when he doesn't call or show up for work for three days. For someone who desperately needs money, he is all blase' about the job. The world is so cruel to Unwed Fathers, that much is true.

Melanie confides in her co-worker what she did and the co-worker offers to let her move into her house with the baby. Melanie swoops back in expecting to be welcomed back with open arms. Both her mother and her best friend urge her to leave Jason and the baby alone.

Melanie has the privilege of being the most annoying Lifetime character ever. All she does is pout and whine. I actually cheer Jason on when he takes off with the kid. But having little cash, he has to face things that no Yuppie should. Seedy hotel rooms, filthy rest stop bathrooms, and having to sleep in his car.

After a cop busts him sleeping in his car, he decides to return back home. The cop is an idiot, Jason's name is not on the birth certificate and he has no proof that the baby is his. Logic, we don't need no stinking logic.

Eventually they strike a deal, Jason moves closer to Melanie. He gets his name on the birth certificate and they all live happily ever after. Do you wonder how this piece of crap got made? Four simple words Brian Austin Green Productions. Lifetime....it's fantastic.

The Pregnancy Pact

• Stage 1: Charm everybody as an adorable moppet in Hocus Pocus
• Stage 2: Star in the most awesome movie of all time, Now and Then.
  
• Stage 3: Shed your teen actress status and your top in American Beauty
• Stage 4: Star in Homeless To Harvard, one of the few good Lifetime movies
• Stage 5: Give up and take whatever role that falls into your lap, like The Pregnancy Pact

These my friends are the 5 stages of Thora Birch's career. Pregnancy Pact was awful, those films that you saw in health class was more informative and entertaining. Especially since the plot of the movie is based on a story that many people claim was a myth.

A sudden spike in teen pregnancies begins in the economically depressed town of Glouchester, MA. We learn rather quickly that these pregnancies are due to a supposed pact between some delusional girls. The girls see pregnancy as a rosy world of dress up where the diapers are never soiled and the babies never cry.

The only hold out is Sara, who is in a serious relationship with Jessie. Jessie is unlike most teen boys because he has already decided he wants to marry her. She is super excited and already picking out the wedding china. However, Jessie wants them to graduate college before walking down the aisle. Sara jumps on the baby train to ensure that Jessie stays with her.

The whole debacle attracts the attention of a video blogger named Sydney who used to live in that town. A video blogger?! Why not make her a psycologist, a reporter, or even a sleazy talk show host? Dammit, Lifetime, you are not even trying.

Sydney seems anti-pregnancy and harasses the pregnant girls at every opportunity. But wait a tic, she was a pregnant teen who got an abortion. And her former baby daddy is also a vice principal at the school, so there are many awkward attempts to interview him while reminiscing about the bad old days.

She eventually admits that she didn't get an abortion, she lied and really gave the kid up for adoption. She is instantly forgiven because forging documents, lying, and keeping a father away from his kid is alright as long as she did not get an abortion. It's a freaking movie about teen girls deliberately getting pregnant and abortion is still a taboo subject.

There is a boring subplot about Sara's mom battling the school nurse over whether or not birth control should be in schools. A mute point and a boring one if you ask me. Poor Nancy Travis and Camryn Manheim, they deserved way better.

Sara's role in the pact is revealed and her boyfriend hightails it out of there. After all, Sara is a bad, bad, girl and Jessie is the poor victim. Last time I checked it took two people to get pregnant, the movie should have addressed that. In the end, Sara has the baby and the world is all rosy. Her parents totally got her back and she has what she always wanted a baby to love her. Jessie of course has nothing to do with the baby's life because he was a victim and this is Lifetime.

As always these things end with an informative PSA about teen pregnancy. Warning not for the squeamish, easily offended, eating lunch, and possibly NSFW.

Cradle Of Conspiracy

Unlike a lot of teen actresses in the late '90s, Danica McKellar pretty much avoided the Lifetime movie craze. So finding this one is a real treat.

Danica plays Kristin, a perfect Lifetime target. Smart, kind, bright future, she's just asking for something bad to happen to her. However the only problems she has right now are her parents who expect nothing but the best from her.

Seriously what the hell where we thinking in the '90s? I see Danica rocking the boxy denim jacket and high waisted shorts and chuckle. Then I realize that back then, people honestly believed that was a good look.

Kristin and a friend are almost run over by Kenny, who wears a leather jacket because obviously he's a bad guy. As an apology, he offers the girls a ride in his car. Kristin declines because good girls don't get into cars with strange men.

Kenny eventually wins Kristen over with promises of Hollywood and milkshakes. Kristin's fledgling relationship with Kenny concerns her mother. On their first date, Kenny takes the obviously underage Kristin to a bar. He bribes a bartender into serving them.

Kristin takes about 3 sips of beer, but that is enough to make her lose a big track meet. Is this the same super beer that made Zach Morris hit a tree after only one beer? Her mother is angry and forbids Kristin from seeing Kenny. She promptly goes to his place and loses her virginity.

Almost instantly, she gets pregnant. I guess drinking superbeer gives you super sperm. She tries to tell her mother but chickens out. She runs away with Kenny who is starting to up his creep factor a little bit. As her parents frantically look for her, Kenny takes her to an uber posh home for unwed mothers.


Kristin becomes friends with another pregnant girl, Donna (played by Melrose Place's Jamie Luner). Donna is a baby making machine who's in the middle of her third pregnancy. Literally, she's a baby making machine, the hotel pays her to be artificially inseminated and to hand over the babies to them.

Kristin's parents investigate Kenny's trailer and wind up at a house he was nearly arrested at. They meet another teen girl that was impregnated by Kenny. Super sperm, don't leave home without it. The parents begin to blame one another for Kristin's disappearance.

Kristin begins having doubts about Kenny and the hotel. Kristin's mom learns that her daughter is pregnant. Without even trying, they immediately locate the hotel via a newspaper ad. The hotel gives them the runaround so they contact a lawyer. She tells them that they need to get to her before she turns 18 and they lose all legal control over her.

Kenny convinces Kristin to call her parents and tell them to leave her alone. Another teen mother, Pam, wants to leave the hotel with her twin babies. She gives birth and is told that they both died, she tells Kristin that the hotel is lying. Kristin learns later on that she committed suicide.

As Kenny is fleeing the hotel with Kristin, the cops finally show up. Kenny is arrested for taking a minor across state lines. Kristin is reunited with her parents but continues to believe that Kenny's innocent. This girl needs a sharp blow to the head with a clue by 4.

Kristin's mom takes her to see Sarah, Kenny's other baby mama and learns that he tried to sell her baby as well. Kristin gives birth but wants to put it up for adoption. Her parents plead with her to keep it. Yeah, keep the constant reminder that the man you love used you as a prenatal ATM.

Kenny is released and is seen spying on Kristin and her family. Kristin's mom confesses that she was pregnant at 16 and had to give the baby up. This leads Kristen to bond with her baby. Kenny shows up and pleads with Kristin to let him hold the baby. When the dim bulb allows him to, he knocks her over with a bitch slap and takes off with the kid.

He's promptly arrested but they can't bust him for kidnapping since he is the baby's father. Why are all the cops in Lifetime movies so useless? Kristin visits him in jail and trades him her grandmother's expensive ring in return for signing away his parental rights.

After all he goes through to get that baby, he just gives it up for a ring. Jeez, most Lifetime villains would have fought to the death to get what they want?

Hunger Point

I would like to thank Lifetime Wow for alerting me to this film's awesomely bad existence.

We open with our main character Frannie as a child being lectured on the evils of being fat by her mother, Marsha. Her mother is played by Barbara Hershey who has seen better days. In my humble opinion she looks the Joker's love child.

Later at dinner, Marsha tears the skin off Frannie's chicken citing that it's fattening. Frannie's younger skinnier sister, Shelley insists that she needs to be on a diet as well. Marsha promptly tears the skin off her other daughter's chicken as well.

We flash forward to an older, Frannie who has severe eating issues. Shelley is equally messed up and is played by Susan May Pratt. Susan is no stranger to playing someone with an eating disorder, she played Maureen in Center Stage.

Frannie catches Shelley binging and purging and looks worried. Frannie becomes dissatisfied with her paltry meal of veggies and cottage cheese and binges as well. Shelley hospitalizes herself against her mother's wishes.

Frannie and her mom visit Shelley who sarcastically gives them a tour of the place, citing all the various eating disorders people have. After Marsha leaves, Shelley cries and worries that she has ruined her life. She goes off to get her meds and freaks out again when she catches her mother and sister discussing her.

Frannie who was laid off from her job is forced by Marsha to answer phones in her office. Frannie finds a marriage counselor's card in her mom's desk and realizes that her mom is flirting with a co-worker. She also flirts with the free sample guy at the supermarket much to her daughter's dismay. I guess no one ever told Marsha that you didn't have to put out for free samples. Then we are subjected to an awkward scene of them having a tug of war over a carton of ice cream.

Frannie has gotten a new job as a waitress and apparently has been sleeping her way through the staff. She begs her best friend, Abbie to accompany her to visit Shelley. A cute doctor tells her she has a real purdy mouth. Actually he used the word intriguing, but I like my version better.

Rather than tend to her depressed sister, she goes off to flirt with some more with the doctor. Shelley cries so hard that she has a panic attack. Frannie overhears her mom talking to her lover on the phone. She also tells him that Frannie can't take care of herself. Frannie tries to get her father to visit Shelley but he claims that he is too busy. Frannie's father is played by the same actor who played Gus in Don't Tell Mom The Babysitters Dead.

During the visit, Frannie realizes that her mom lied about Shelley filling out her Harvard application and confronts her about it. Her mother avoids the subject and Frannie tells her that she refuses to work for her anymore.

At her waitress job Frannie daydreams about the doctor. One of the co-workers she nailed licks her on the face and she is disgusted. Personally I'd be disgusted too, what kind of guy randomly licks people and at work no less. At the end of her shift, she pours wine on a rude customer's lap. She then tells his mistress to just let his wife have him.

When she gets home she finds a message for her father. Marsha's alleged lover's wife wants to have a talk with him. Frannie calls the woman instead and tells her to leave him alone. It turns out that the woman was simply ordering t-shirts from her father. Her mother insists that she is not having an affair.

Shelley is getting worse, her hair is falling out and she's cutting herself. Frannie calls the cute doctor who doesn't remember her or her sister. She has an outing with Shelley at a local diner, Shelley orders a salad that she obsessively cuts up. Some boys mock her but Frannie stares them down. Shelley later decides to leave the hospital and get her own place.

Frannie has a good interview with an ad agency and goes to the hospital to celebrate. Yes, celebrate, by blasting loud music and dancing in a mental hospital. The other patients join in the dancing and start singing. Even the nurse is dancing. But Frannie celebrated prematurely she didn't get the job.

Shelley leaves the hospital but show no signs of improvement. During an awkward family dinner, the girls' father finally stands up to their mother. This leads to an argument between the family. An upset Shelley overdoses on her meds. The pills didn't kill her though, it was the anorexia that did it. So I've learned that you can survive overdosing or being hit by a car as long as you don't have an eating disorder.

After the funeral Frannie learns that her mom wasn't having an affair with her co-worker, she was having an affair with her boss. While going through Shelley's stuff she finds a list of pro ana sites. She confronts her mom about the affair (again) and her mother tells her she's moving out.

Frannie talks to Shelley's friends and realizes that there are dozens of pro ana sites out there. She goes to see Shelley's shrink who tries to help her but she storms off. Frannie's friend tries to get her to go out but she refuses. She throws her dinner down the garbage disposal.

At the market, Frannie's father breaks down over Shelley's death. He walks in on Frannie purging and orders her to just stop it. She tries to get through to her mother who refuses to talk about Shelley. Frannie begins volunteering at her grandfather's retirement home. She meets Charlie, the grandson of one of the retirees. It's hate at first site which in a Lifetime movie always leads to true love.

Frannie gets freaked out when her father starts dating again and accepts a date with Charlie. They grow closer. It turns out the mistress of the rude customer wants to offer her a job in restaurant marketing. Her mother insists that she take the job. She finally breaks down about Shelley's death. Frannie promises her mother that nothing will happen to her.

So the movie ends with Frannie getting a dream job, dream guy, and even her parents get back together. Oh and her eating disorder vanishes without the need for therapy. And a zombie Shelley comes back to life and they all sing Kumbaya.

Ahh Lifetime, sometimes I hate you.


Next up: The film version of Flowers In The Attic.

Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story

Now this film will not get the play by play that I reserve for Lifetime movies. This movie was so bad that I found myself fast forwarding through a large portion of this.

In 1993, it was all about Amy Fisher. The story of a teenage girl allegedly shooting her lover's wife per his request captivated the tabloid nation. And the television movie world as well. ABC, NBC, and CBS all aired their own versions of the so called Lethal Lolita dramedy.

This one is CBS' offering and seems to be the Buttafucco's version of the events. This agonizing dull film paints the Buttafucco's as a perfect family torn apart by an obsessed teen. Joey is innocent the films screams loudly over and over.

This film is dull and melodramatic. While they did well casting Joey and Mary Jo, casting Alyssa Milano is way, way, way off. Not only does she not look a thing like Amy Fisher, she didn't make an attempt to look like her. All she does is bounce around in tight jeans and a fake Jersey accent and look embarrassed doing so. Drew Barrymore played Amy in the ABC version. She also didn't look like Amy but at least she tried.

The ending is laughable at best. Evil Amy is convicted as the vindicated Buttafucco's look on. Joey does not get busted for stat rape and he and Mary Jo embrace and live happily ever after.

Avoid this one. If you simply must watch a Amy Fisher movie then watch Amy Fisher: My Story. It isn't as smutty as Drew's or as blatantly boring as this one.

A Secret Between Friends a.k.a When Friendship Kills

I realize this movie was filmed in Seattle so I'll likely spend most of it looking for familiar landmarks. Amidst a beach party, some teens remark on how wild and out of control a girl named Jennifer is acting. (Filmed in my old hometown and featuring a character with my first name I'm in love.)

The other teens try to get her to eat, Jennifer flips out over her friend Lexie being there and accuses her of spying on her. It's later in the evening and Jennifer is even drunker than ever, Lexie takes this moment to apologize to her. Jennifer tells her that she hates her and runs straight into the path of a car.

It is now a year earlier we learn that Lexie has just moved from Chicago to Seattle and hates it. Lexie's mom (the fabulous Lynda Carter a.k.a Wonder Woman) assures Lexie and her little sister that everything will be alright.

At volleyball tryouts, Lexie meets Jennifer a typical Lifetime movie teenager. You know, pretty, smart, talented, doomed. The two become bff's and Lexie is likely issued a friendship bracelet and a mandatory eating disorder. (By the way, all these volleyball scenes are giving me vivid flashbacks to the nightmare known as high school gym.)

Lexie spends the night at Jennifer's house, Jennifer has a micromanaging mom and a boring obsession with a french actress from the '70s. The two stuff their faces with junk food,Jennifer promptly throws it all up and makes Lexie promise not to tell.

For some reason we get to see a shopping montage. (Red vinyl, faux leopard skins, and berets! Oh my!) Lexie and Jennifer decide they are fat and start dieting and intensively exercising. She begins to lose weight and starts getting noticed by the boys. This gives Lexie more incentive to lose even more weight.


Recognize this cutie? That's Ryan Reynolds playing Lexie's love interest.


Lexie and her sister go to visit her father for Thanksgiving. (The dad is played by Josh Taylor known for playing Dylan McKay's father on 90210 and Roman Brady on Days.) Lexie, who is hoping her parents will reunite is disgusted to learn that he has a new girlfriend.

Lexie is brushing her hair and realizes that her hair is falling out. Her mother busts in on her looking for a tampon. Lexie doesn't have any and the mom complains that she didn't have any last month either. This scene is supposed to illustrate that she stopped having her period. (For me, it illustrates that Wonder Woman is far to busy fighting crime to buy her own.)

Lexie's mother takes her to a gynecologist and wonders if Lexie has an eating disorder. The clueless gynecologist blames the missed periods on stress over the divorce. Jen is approached by a photographer (Lochlyn Munro) who thinks she could be a model. When he declares that Lexie is not model material, Jen refuses to have the pictures done.

After Lexie faints during a volleyball game, she is diagnosed with anorexia. She is sent to a clinic where she is encouraged to start eating again. In a rather disturbing scene, the clinic resorts to force feeding Lexie much to her mother's dismay. She learns that Lexie's dad authorized the forced feeding and the two argue.

Jen visits Lexie at the clinic, Lexie urges Jen to seek help but she refuses. Lexie confides in her mother who tries to get through to Jen's mom. An angry Jen refuses to talk to Lexie. Lexie blows off therapy for the aforementioned beach party. We end up seeing the exact same scenes that we saw at the beginning of the film. Jen dies not because she was struck by a car but because her heart was weak.

Depressed and feeling guilty, Lexie begins starving herself again. Lexi's mom tries to take her back to the clinic but Lexie talks her out of it. Lexie's mom takes time off of work and tries to get her to eat again. While jogging, Lexie faints again but her mom still doesn't take her to the clinic.

Lexie's dad shows up and argues with his ex-wife. He gets a court order to send her back to the hospital. Lexie packs her things and tries to run away but breaks down at the front door. She starts to eat again, and convinces her dad not to send her away.

At her triumphant return to the world of volleyball, Lexi sees Jen sitting in the bleachers, giving her a thumbs up. (I wish I was making this up.) She wins the meet and a bastardized Rocky theme fills the air. The world makes sense again.

Next up....

What do James Spader, Brooke Shields, Tom Cruise and a raging house fire have in common? You'll find on in the 1981 "tearjerker" Endless Love.

She's Too Young

This film is an overprotective parent's wet dream. Melodramatic, totally out of touch with today's teenage, and wonderfully cheesy. What they should have named this flick is Girls Gone Mild.

We meet three teenage girls, Becca (Megan Park), a wildly promiscuous girl with strict parents. Dawn (Miriam Armstrong), a mildly promiscuous girl with the cool single mom. And last but not least our heroine, Hannah (Alexis Dziena) , who's still a babe in the woods. These girls are introduced to us in a montage of lip gloss, fishnets, and bad indie music.

Hannah, Dawn, and Becca used to be friends and are now hanging out again. Hannah is embarrassed when her mother insists on walking her out to the car and demands a number where can she reached. After her daughter leaves, Hannah's mom expresses her concerns about Hannah riding in cars with boys on a school night. (At least when Drew Barrymore did it, it was entertaining).

Becca and her boyfriend Nick promptly ditch Hannah and Dawn so that they can go to a motel. Really Lifetime, you expect us to believe that a 16 year old boy with a car and no parental supervision would waste money on a motel in order to hook up. I'm afraid that someone has confused real teenagers with characters from 90210.

Dawn and Hannah engage in typical teenage chitchat when one of Nick's friend, Bradley approaches them. He wants Hannah to come his car and listen to music (what no hotel?), Hannah declines and Dawn ditches her to go instead. Some random extras whisper about what a slut Dawn is while Hannah is forced to call her mom for a ride.

The next day, we see Nick ask Hannah out. Nick goes home to his cold, empty mansion and broods while drinking a beer. He later opens his inbox which is overflowing with mail from countless adult websites. Dawn lectures her younger sister about her homework and watches her mom with her latest boyfriend in disgust.

Hannah's mom runs into Dawn's mom and learns that Hannah is going out with Nick that weekend. We see Hannah in her room playing the cello. Her room just screams innocent with tons of books, trophies, and ceramic figurines. No fourteen year old I have ever met has collected ceramic figurines.

In yet another montage, Becca sluts up her appearance in the school bathroom while an upset Dawn goes to the nurse's office. She has a mysterious sore in her mouth, dun, dun, dun. Good god, another freaking montage, Lifetime you're killing me. House party, promiscuous teenagers, wine coolers, joints, etc etc etc. I never ever drank wine coolers when I was a teenager, that sort of thing was mocked even then.

Hannah's bumps into her best friend, Tommy (a.k.a The Smartest Person In This Film). Tommy tries to convince her to leave with him, but Hannah's not budging. Hannah and Nick go back to his fortress of solitude and go hottubbing. He just happens to have some girls' swimsuits lying around, this fails to ring any warning bells for Hannah.

Hannah bumps into Becca after church, Becca is shocked that Nick didn't try anything with her. Back at school, Dawn learns that she has syphilis. Poor Miriam Armstrong, she played a character with gonorrhea on Degrassi. The school nurse asks her how many sexual partners she has had, Dawn tells her about 20.

Hannah and Nick gone on another date, watching movies in his ice palace. He tries to get her to go all the way, but she refuses. They do end up doing everything else though. Hannah goes home and IM's Becca, she is disappointed that it wasn't the romantic experience she thought it would be.

The girls are all at Becca's house where the viewers are treated to an excruciating Bring It On homage. Dawn casually spills the news that she has syphilis. Hannah is understanding but Becca implies that she is a slut, Dawn leaves.

Later Nick, Bradley, Hannah and Becca hang out on the sofa drinking, Becca is bitching about how slutty Dawn is. They go upstairs to watch an adult film, Hannah is disgusted when she realizes that Nick intends for her to hook up with Bradley. She tearfully storms out leaving an eager Becca to entertain both guys.

The school nurse urges Nick to get tested and to name the girls he's been with. A cocky Nick refuses and tells the nurse that he's done almost every girl in school. In order to stop "the largest syphilis cluster in the town's history", they decide to alert anyone who may be at risk. Becca's mom demands to know if she is at risk, Becca lies and says she isn't. Dawn's mother also finds out and she admits it.

Hannah is brushing her teeth when she discovers that she has a sore as well. Hannah's parents hear about what's going on but Hannah says that she's fine. She goes up to her computer and researches syphilis. Gotta love Internet searching in the movies, all the information you need is always on the web link shown. Deadly, open sore, hair loss, and a bunch of pictures that made ma glad that I wasn't eating while watching this.

Hannah and Becca get tested and both have it. Hannah and Dawn later get drunk off wine coolers and discuss sex. Dawn's mother comes home to find Dawn passed out and Hannah getting sick in the bathroom. Hannah's parents take her home and Hannah tells them she has the "Big S"

Hannah's mom goes on the warpath and tries to make the others' parents more aware of their kids' actions. This leads to Hannah being harassed by her fellow students. At a school meeting the parents defend their little darlings while they buy beer and steal porn. Hannah is at home being harassed by online messages. She runs off crying.

Becca learns that she is being sent to a Christian school, Becca promptly sneaks off. Hannah's mom comes home and finds the rude messages on her computer. She learns that there is a party going on at Brad's. Dawn is supposed to be grounded but she sneaks out with Becca.

Hannah is over at Tommy's and they kiss. She tries to push things further but he refuses, an upset Hannah runs off. Becca and Dawn talk about starting over and not being sluts until Becca goes off with a couple of guys. Hannah tries to call Dawn or Becca, but Dawn's grounded and Becca is um occupied.

Hannah winds up at the party where Bradley tells her Becca is downstairs. Once there though he tries to rape her. Nick ineffectually attempts to stop it but Tommy shows up and saves the day. Becca returns home and begins to cry. Dawn and her mom are hanging out ignoring her younger sister who sneaks upstairs to try on Dawn's clothes.

Tommy brings Hannah back to his place and calls her parents. Everybody makes up and they all live sexlessly ever after.

Swearing Allegiance a.k.a Love's Deadly Triangle.

As with most of these films, Swearing Allegiance a.k.a Love's Deadly Triangle is based on a true story. It covers the 1995 murder of teenager Adrianne Jones, by Diane Zamora and David Graham. It stars Full House's Viper (David Lipper) and Charmed's Piper (Holly Marie Combs).

Without any prelude, we immediately start at the murder. Diane and David attack Adrianne before David chases her into a field and shoots her. We cut to David typing his confession on a computer. He and Diane are obsessed with one another, perfect love, blah, blah.

The scene switches to Diane and her friend Susie (Joanna Garcia) walking down the halls of their high school. Diane is blathering the same boring B.S. about David and it's all so very boring. We than pan to them wildly making out, David wants to go further but Diane can't.

"David, my virginity is something I can only give once" Sadly that was a direct quote. David sugar talks her into it very quickly and they have teh sex. It's so romantic he pawns his rifles to buy her an engagement ring.

On their way home, they stop at a local fast food place. Adrianne (a.k.a AJ) takes them their order and chitchats with David, much to a jealous Diane's displeasure. AJ's co-worker interrupts them to inform her that some guy is back.

That guy is Brian, an awkward and nervous boy that has been hounding AJ. She hides from Brian as her co-worker tries to discourage him. AJ feels bad that she's avoiding him. We go back to Diane in the car grilling David about how he knows AJ.

David and AJ meet up at a track meeting and get all hot and bothered on the bus ride home. Meanwhile Diane and mother argue about losing her virginity, Diane assures her mother that she will marry him. The groom to be however is hooking up with AJ in the woods somewhere.

Later on, David and Diane are on a date when they run into AJ and her boyfriend. Diane senses the awkwardness between them and demands answers. He admits that he has had "carnal knowledge" of AJ. Diane begins crying hysterically and throws a fit.

Rather than turn to shopping therapy, couple's therapy, or for the love of God, professional therapy, Diane decides that AJ must die. After a few scenes of AJ hanging out with her mother, she gets a call from David asking her to meet him. AJ sneaks out and gets in the truck, we all know what happens next.

AJ's mother realizes she is missing while David and Diane innocently study. AJ's body is discovered in a field and two detectives inform her mother. As they question her she remembers that a David had called AJ the night before. Her brother informs him that he saw a white truck the night before.

The detectives come into the school and begin questioning the students about the murder. David denies having ever known her and soon suspicion shifts to Brian. Brian has no memory of that night due mixing depression pills and booze.

David and Diane attend AJ's funeral but Diane begins to freak out, they vow to be honorable citizens from now on. David gets into the Air Force, Diane gets into the Navy. The detective continue to badger Brian until his father gets fed up and threatens the police. A SWAT team later storms Brian's house and arrests him. Does it really require an entire SWAT team to apprehend a single murder suspect? Brian is released after he passes a lie detector test.

At prom, Susie tells Diane that there is a rumor that she killed AJ for sleeping with David. Diane gets angry and storms out which only makes her look guilty. She assures David that everything will be fine as they dance in front of a picture of AJ.

Diane and David go off to their respective bases. Diane begins to break down and eventually confesses what she did to another cadet. Then she sticks her tongue down his throat, apparently she doesn't practice what she preaches. Diane cannot keep her trap shut and also brags about it to her roommates.

Her roommates report her to the cops but she claims that she was just joking. She is sent home anyway for the time being. Instead of going home she hightails it to Colorado where David is. Meanwhile the cops finally get a clue and begins to suspect the bumbling lovers.

They find a friend of David's that remembers that David and Diane came to his house that night covered in blood. This was obviously something that he didn't feel was important enough to tell the cops about.

The detectives tell him what his friend said and David finally confesses. His confession includes a gem about "Diane's eyes playing the strings of his heart. Blecchh! We then see the murder from David's point of view. David and Diane are arrested while Mrs Jones weeps over the loss of her daughter.

Now most of these films would have ended with the trial or some info on what happened to the couple. However this film was released before the trial had even ended. Talk about jumping the gun a little.

Next we go back to a simpler snarky time with Love Comes Softly starring Katerine Heigl.

She Fought Alone

Seriously what's up with this cover? I don't remember him being that tall when the two of them were on 90210 together. This movie has a fun casting fact. In the film She Cried No, Zach (Mark Paul Gosslear) from Saved By The Bell rapes D.J. (Candace Cameron) from Full House. In She Fought Alone, Zach's girlfriend Kelly (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen) gets raped by D.J's boyfriend, Viper (David Lipper).

Tiffani plays Caitlin, a new girl accepted into the most popular group in school. Caitlin falls hard for Ethan and the two hook up. Caitlin learns that Ethan is no longer interested and she is expected to hook up with his friend, Jace. Jace is less than enthused by her rejection and rapes her.

Unfortunately for Caitlin, no one believes that she was raped including her own mother. Jace and the rest of the popular crew vow to shut her up. However shutting her up consists of graffiti, nasty notes, and prank phone calls.

Caitlin has the opportunity to graduate early but her mom won't let her. After all she can't miss prom or graduation. Ahh prom and graduation with a bunch of people harassing you, memories like that can't be bought. The school is equally unhelpful protecting her, the boys punishment is being banned from a couple of games, which only succeeds in making them angrier.

Caitlin's supposed best friend leads her into a trap where the popular boys hack off her hair and threaten her. Only then does Ethan feebly "stands up" for her, too little to late in my opinion. Eventually Caitlin sues the school and of course wins.

The ending is extremely surreal. Caitlin is heading off to college but first she visits her former best friend. The friend is pregnant with Jace's baby and it's implied that she was raped too. Her excuse for betraying Caitlin was that if she really had been raped, it would've made them look like whores. Okay, that makes sense really.

She visits Ethan, who is staying behind and actually feels sorry for him. She even kisses him before saying goodbye. Don't pity the guy who barely stood up for you while his friends harassed you. Do doughnuts in his driveway while flipping him off.

To make this film's ending even worse, she has a flashback/montage of all the good times she had with the crew set to Blues Traveler's Hook. One of her fond memories is running through a field crying, with her hair hacked off. Ahh good times.

Next up for review Go Ask Alice.

No One Would Tell

This film is hard enough to take seriously without being hindered with this cover. Fred looks like he's telling her that she has something in her teeth. Candace doesn't look frightened she looks like she's about to shove him into a locker and take his lunch money. Like most of these films it was based on a true story.

It's a typical Lifetime plot. Perfect boy meets perfect girl, boy and girl are nauseatingly happy for about five minutes. Boy becomes abusive, girl keeps forgiving him until growing a pair and dumping his ass. Don't expect a happy ending though, tragedy is looming.

The main problem with this movie is the casting. Fred Savage is unconvincing as the villain, he should stick to comedies and more light-hearted fare. Candace Cameron, normally I love her acting but she is so shrill and annoying in this it makes my head hurt.

The real schmaltz of the film is at the ending. We are treated to a lecture about not looking the other way when someone's being abusive. This lecture is delivered by Sally Jessy Raphael, replaying a bunch of scenes to the film set to a song called No One Would Tell.

Don't get me wrong I respect the message of the movie, I just hate the way it was delivered. The film also stars Michelle Phillips, Eric Balfour, and Justina Machado.

She Cried No

This film was originally released as She Cried No. However, for some insane reason it was retitled Freshman Fall. What kind of title is that nobody physically falls from anything, this title would have been more appropriate for Dying To Belong.

The adult in me wants to write that this movie is a lot better than most television films. The adult in me wants to praise it's portrayal of date rape, a topic that is something every girl should know about me. The teenager in me however wants to mock the god awful wardrobe. She also wants to squeal "Oh my god, Zach Morris is raping D.J. Tanner."

Candace Cameron plays Melissa, a freshman who goes to a frat party and gets raped by one of her brother's friends. She goes appropriately nuts for awhile before deciding to press charges. Unfortunately due to the fact that she was drunk the night of the party and didn't press charges right away, justice is too difficult to find.

Candace Cameron is a cutie but is cursed with mom jeans and boxy little vests throughout the film. Mark Paul Gosslear is actually a major a-hole in this film, refusing to accept what he did throughout the film.

The film also stars Nikki Cox and Jenna von Oÿ as Melissa's roommates. I normally adore Nikki Cox but she was flat out boring in her scenes. Jenna however was absoultely heart-breaking as a girl who suffers a smiliar fate as Melissa but with more disasterous results.

Stay tuned for when I review No One Would Tell a.k.a Kevin Arnold beats up D.J. Tanner.

Death Of A Cheerleader

Death of a Cheerleader is awesomely bad. One of those you will watch it but never admit you watched it kind of films. It's loosely based on the 1984 murder of Kirsten Costas by her classmate Bernadette Protti.

Kellie Martin plays Angela Delvecchio, an overachiever who transfers from catholic school regular public school. Angela is determined to have it all, yearbook editor, cheerleader, etc etc. Even though she does end up doing pretty well in school, she still feels that she is a failure.

The bane of Angela's existence is Stacy Lockwood (Tori Spelling) a popular rich girl who obviously can't stand Angela. This slight puts Angela's OCD into overdrive and she vows to win over Stacy. This of course leads to a death of a cheerleader.

I don't like to give away endings to film but the title, DVD cover, and trailer already have, so why not? The murder happens quickly and we are stuck with watching Angela lament her actions over and over.

I felt the main waste of this film was casting Valerie Harper as Angela's mom. Despite the fact that she's a seasoned actress who deserves more, all she is is a background character in the film. The same goes for Christa Miller whose stuck with the why bother role of the older sister. To round off this waste of talented actresses, Kathryn Morris plays a stereotypical goth girl. Look fast for Terry Quinn as a rather creepy principal.

The thing that sticks out about this film is that neither of the main characters are likable. Tori Spelling is typically bland and bitchy. Kellie Martin who's supposed to be a nice girl pushed to far starts the film off as rather unhinged.

This is a film strictly for people who like bad television movies or hate themselves.