Retro Flashback: Camp Cucamonga

In 1990, ABC gathered their finest teen idols and Camp Cucamonga was born. It's a fun but typical camp adventure with teen romance, adult shenanigans, and of course keeping the camp from being closed down.
This film has the most impressive cast list for a television movie. John Ratzenberger plays the goofy camp owner, Sherman Hemsley plays a wisecracking handyman and a pre-Leprechaun Jennifer Aniston plays one of the counselors.

The film truly belongs to the younger generation with Candace Cameron, Breckin Myer, Paul Savino, Chad Allen, Danica McKellar, and last but not least Jaleel White. This movie is worth it alone for Winnie Cooper wearing a Motley Crue t-shirt.


Other amusing scenes are Chad Allen portraying the camp heartthrob (Who else was shocked when he came out), Winnie Cooper and Paul Pfeiffer playing a couple, Candace Cameron playing a bitch for once in her career, and Jaleel White even gets his own musical number.



Poor Jaleel, little did he know that he would go from popular '90s icon to starring in such masterpiece cinema such as this.





I admit it, I initially Netflixed this to snark on but it's impossible. It's too fun and nostalgic and a must for anyone who was a kid in the late '80s and early '90s. By the way, I just realized that it has been exactly 20 years between the first time I saw this film and the most recent, I feel old.

No One Would Tell

This film is hard enough to take seriously without being hindered with this cover. Fred looks like he's telling her that she has something in her teeth. Candace doesn't look frightened she looks like she's about to shove him into a locker and take his lunch money. Like most of these films it was based on a true story.

It's a typical Lifetime plot. Perfect boy meets perfect girl, boy and girl are nauseatingly happy for about five minutes. Boy becomes abusive, girl keeps forgiving him until growing a pair and dumping his ass. Don't expect a happy ending though, tragedy is looming.

The main problem with this movie is the casting. Fred Savage is unconvincing as the villain, he should stick to comedies and more light-hearted fare. Candace Cameron, normally I love her acting but she is so shrill and annoying in this it makes my head hurt.

The real schmaltz of the film is at the ending. We are treated to a lecture about not looking the other way when someone's being abusive. This lecture is delivered by Sally Jessy Raphael, replaying a bunch of scenes to the film set to a song called No One Would Tell.

Don't get me wrong I respect the message of the movie, I just hate the way it was delivered. The film also stars Michelle Phillips, Eric Balfour, and Justina Machado.

She Cried No

This film was originally released as She Cried No. However, for some insane reason it was retitled Freshman Fall. What kind of title is that nobody physically falls from anything, this title would have been more appropriate for Dying To Belong.

The adult in me wants to write that this movie is a lot better than most television films. The adult in me wants to praise it's portrayal of date rape, a topic that is something every girl should know about me. The teenager in me however wants to mock the god awful wardrobe. She also wants to squeal "Oh my god, Zach Morris is raping D.J. Tanner."

Candace Cameron plays Melissa, a freshman who goes to a frat party and gets raped by one of her brother's friends. She goes appropriately nuts for awhile before deciding to press charges. Unfortunately due to the fact that she was drunk the night of the party and didn't press charges right away, justice is too difficult to find.

Candace Cameron is a cutie but is cursed with mom jeans and boxy little vests throughout the film. Mark Paul Gosslear is actually a major a-hole in this film, refusing to accept what he did throughout the film.

The film also stars Nikki Cox and Jenna von Oÿ as Melissa's roommates. I normally adore Nikki Cox but she was flat out boring in her scenes. Jenna however was absoultely heart-breaking as a girl who suffers a smiliar fate as Melissa but with more disasterous results.

Stay tuned for when I review No One Would Tell a.k.a Kevin Arnold beats up D.J. Tanner.