Horrifying Non-Horror or Oh Hai, Romy & Michelle.

 

 As far as '90s movies go, Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion is a personal favorite. It had likable characters, a solid cast, and an awesome soundtrack. It was the magic of this film that made me stupid enough to seek out this insipid prequel.

  The prequel could have had excellent casting had the casting director not mucked it up. Katherine Heigl plays Romy who was the smarter half of the duo in the original film. She plays Romy as an absolute ditz, same with Alexis Breckinridge who takes the ditzy role of Michelle and makes her more serious and smarter. Had they simply switched roles this movie might have been more tolerable. Maybe the people who made this film couldn't tell the characters apart but the fans could.

  We meet up with a post high school Romy and Michelle who are desperate to leave Phoenix. Inspired by their new favorite movie, Pretty Woman, they decide to move to Hollywood and become hookers. Since this was made by ABC Family, they obviously don't go through with their goal. They are befriended by Donna, a transgender Fairy Godmother who takes the poor girls in. Donna is by far the most likable and entertaining character who should have gotten more of a plot.

   The plot of the original Romy & Michelle was actually relatable. It was about two high school outcasts hoping to show up their former tormentors. The plot of the prequel: Romy & Michelle are desperate to get into a trendy nightclub. This is not a movie plot, this is something you would fined in a typical sitcom or teen drama. 

   There are other more inane subplots, such as the girls’ lucky red shoes whom the original owner is desperate to get back. There’s an insecure model threatening to end the girls’ friendship. There is also a romantic subplot with two actors completely lacking in chemistry. They even trot out a shy maid with musical aspirations to butcher a Cyndi Lauper song. And of course a completely random cameo by Paula Abdul that makes no sense.

  The ditzy duo learns that they should be their selves and not try to fit in with everyone else. This is a lesson that they will completely years later and will have to learn all over again.

    I was at best hoping to find a cute little TV movie to bide my time. This was seriously an in name only movie that felt more like a drawn out cheap sitcom sans the laugh track. Save yourself the agony and simply rent the original instead.

31 Days Of Horror #8: Return of the Living Dead 3

Welcome to the O.C. bitch.

 
   In my opinion Return of the Living Dead 3 is one of the most well-written and thought provoking zombie films in recent history. For the most part the Return series was mostly campy and light hearted, more gore than actual story. This film however changes the rules and the result is 97 minutes of awesome.

   We meet teenage lovers Curt and Julie, Curt's father is a soldier experimenting with Trioxin, the zombie-creating gas from the first two movies. When the project goes sour, Curt's father is dismissed and relocated. An angry Curt runs away with Julie but she winds up dying in a motorcycle accident. Curt sneaks into the labs to bring her back to life.

  At first Julie seems alright but is soon gripped by the urge to eat brains. Unlike typical zombies, she is still self-aware and tries to fight her deadly urges. She learns that intense pain can stave off craving and does some damage that would make any masochist proud. The unlikely couple finds themselves on the run from gangsters, the military, and zombies alike.

   This is probably one of the few zombie films that you see from a first person point of view. Julie comes off as sympathetic and not just a bumbling bag of flesh in search of brains. I was impressed by the actress who played Julie, Melinda Clarke from the O.C. I didn't think much of her acting but this film changed my mind.

  The ending is quite beautiful and tragic which is what really sets this film apart from other movies in this genre. This is a must see for zombie fans even if you do find yourself tearing up at the end. If you are squeamish though, you might want to give this film a past. It is a lot gorier than your standard zombie fare.

31 Days Of Horror #2: Daddy's Girl

   

The '90s were a breeding ground for the killer tot genre. You had Mikey, The Paperboy, and even Macaulay Culkin in the Good Son. However, Daddy's Girl set itself apart as being the only film where the killer was a girl. 

    Gabrielle Boni plays Jodie the aforementioned Daddy's Girl. She predictably slices and dices her way through anyone who stands in her way. Boni is a great child actress and possibly the only really good part of the film. It also stars William Katt, Whip Hubley, and Peggy McRea who just seem to be going through the motions.

   The chief problem with this film is that it is phenomenally boring, with drawn out suspense scenes and one too many nightmare sequences. The kills are mediocre and the majority of the characters are just assholes.

  Seriously, there are no redeeming qualities to anyone in this picture. We are supposed to care about these victims not root for the killer.   They even shoehorn in a orphaned cousin  who realizes what Jodie really is about. This leads to a vague attempt at a back story for Jodie, which like this film is uneven and half baked.

   The ending is the real insult of the movie. The boy killer movies always have their killers going out in a blaze of glory and sometimes even surviving. The lone girl killer movie goes out with a whimper.

  She attempts to kill her mother who unfortunately survives. Daddy saves the day and realizes what a holy terror he was raised. He is very disturbed by this knowledge and turns away from his crying daughter. Does she grab a garden tool and punish him for his betrayal?

  No, no, a thousand times no. She simply bursts into tears and begs her Daddy to love her again. And that's how this film ended. No follow up or grand finale. Just tears and jeers for all. Avoid this film, you've been warned.