Final Destination 5

  Let's only hope it's the final destination. I actually liked the first and second Final Destination movies. They had some creative deaths, adequate character development and subtle use of foreshadowing. That all changed in part 3 when guts and gore took precedence over story line.

   This new trend was further exasperated by the introduction of 3D. Then it all whittled down to how many body parts could be thrown at the screen. The deaths became drawn out with foreshadowing that had the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

  The plot is as the same as the others, man predicts death, man prevents death, Death gets mad and gory goriness ensues.

    What I liked about the film was the return of Tony Todd, my favorite Scream King. I also liked the introduction of trading fates. It's a great morality question, would you kill a person to save your life. This could have been a great plot addition if they had explored it more. Unfortunately it's shuttled off to the sidelines in order to focus on the gore factor.

   What I hated was the drawn out death scenes and nauseating special effects. An eye flying towards the screen is bad enough, we did not need to see it ran over by a car two seconds later. In Part 1, a painting in the background predicted one of the characters' demise. It was subtle, unnoticeable unless you were paying attention. Then the subtlety sledgehammer came along.

   Case in point: Jerk ass character goes to a massage parlor. The first thing he does is insult a Buddha statue on a shelf. We pretty much know what's going to happen but they keep going on. He falls off a table while covered in needles. Oh, and the room is on fire, how will he ever survive? And here comes the Buddha fatality just when you thought it was safe. If they were trying for suspense they failed. All the deaths are like this, long and drawn out with one too many red herrings.

   The ending was a little more creative, if predictable, and a good full circle of the movie. Please just end it there. There's no more new ground to be covered and you beat the horse to death.

A Thank You Letter To Joe Bob Briggs.

    Hey guys, sorry for the lack of posts, my birthday was 3 days ago. I am now 34 please shoot me. Recently my mother sent me a shoe box full of things from my past. I was having a wonderful time looking at old cards and photos when I stumbled across this.

   I have been a horror fan since I was 7, when my father let me watch Nightmare on Elm Street. Granted, I slept with the lights on that night but a horror fan had been born. I lived and breathed horror much to my non horror loving mom's annoyance.

   In '95 I discovered the wonderful world of TNT Monstervision. It was a my favorite program, a combination of good and not so good horror films. I also developed quite the crush on the host, Joe Bob Briggs. Don't worry it wasn't a bunny boiling crush just an innocent teen aged one.

   One day on a whim I sent him a fan letter. I had sent many fan letters throughout my youth but had never received a response back. So naturally I didn't expect one. Imagine my delight when the response came, hand written with references that proved he actually read my letter.

    So on behalf of younger me, I thank Joe Bob Briggs. He is definitely a class act and a pretty awesome guy.

The Rage: Carrie 2

  Had they obliterated all references to Carrie, The Rage would have been a decent little B movie. Piggybacking off another more successful franchise only hurt the film in my humble opinion.

   The Rage focuses on Rachel, who like her predecessor is an unpopular outcast with telekinetic abilities. And why not? She's Carrie's long lost sister after. That just annoys me to no end. In both the book and movie, Carrie's father died when she was young. Yet somehow decades later, he existed long enough to father another child.

   Why not have her be Carrie's niece? That would have been more realistic or even a throw away line on he left Carrie's mom and she simply lied about him dying. The Rage is paint by numbers, Rachel is an outcast, Rachel gets harassed, Rachel gets revenge. And to add insult to injury, a love story featuring the most boring characters on earth is shoehorned in.

   Rachel is simply not likable or  even interesting. Emily Bergl plays Rachel, she is normally a good actress but you simply can't see it with the mediocre script. One of the London twins stars her love interest, the sober one  I think.

  Amy Irving reprises her role as Sue Snell from the previous film. She doesn't really do much accept perform as a greek chorus. We now know whatever happened to Sue, we just don't care. And her death is pointless and kind of insulting. The ending is anti-climatic and the tacked on scare ending was unnecessary.

  The film only seems to be an excuse to parade around popular television actors and show off their CGI. Avoid this one and watch the far better miniseries that came out in 2002. It stars Angela Bettis who in my opinion is the best Carrie to ever grace the silver screen.

31 Days Of Horror #15: Slaughter High

   Trust me the poster is the coolest thing this film has to offer. There are some movies where you root for the killer. Not because you feel sympathy for him or understand him but because his victims are all pretentious a-holes. They are so annoying that you do not want them to exist fictional or otherwise.

   We meet school nerd, Marty played by Simon Scuddamore. Sadly, Scuddamore committed suicide shortly after the film wrapped. Like all '80s nerds he is tormented by the popular kids on a daily basis.
 
   As far as bullies in an '80s teen movies go, these guys are the worst. They stab him in the crotch with a javelin. They give him a poison laced joint. And finally they cause poor Marty to be scarred by acid and leave school. The budding sociopaths move on with their lives.

    Years later, the gang is mysteriously invited to a reunion. Every character in this films is an idiot. When your class reunion only consists of the people who disfigured a boy all those years ago, somethings up. This brings us to one of the film's most awesome kills, a beer that blows up someone's stomach.

   The gang wises up to the fact that they are trapped in a school with a killer. So they do what comes natural to stupid people in horror films, they split up. And have sex and take long luscious baths and generally just be dumb asses. This just gives Marty more opportunities for ingenious kills like and acid bathtub or an electric bed. Marty is the most likable character in the film.

   Then something terrible happens we find out that it was all just a dream. Marty is in an institution conjuring up elaborate fantasies about revenge. This is a bummer, these characters were awful, awful, people. Death is the kindest thing Marty could do for them.

    But the tacked on sequel ending had Marty killing a doctor and nurse and possibly escaping the hospital. Let's hope that little scamp makes all his fantasies come true. I know I sound psycho but watch this movie. Trust me you'll hate the other characters as much as I do.

31 Days Of Horror #14: Cheerleader Camp

A.K.A Bloody Pom Poms

  For starters I love this poster it reminds me of an R.L. Stine cover. Cheerleader Camp is one of those so bad it's good kind of movies.

   The films stars Betsy Russell, a veteran actress of bad '80s movies such as Avenging Angel, Private School, and Tomboy. She plays Alison, an All American good girl cracking under the strain of being perfect. She and her bevy of bimbos are attending Camp Hurrah for the summer. Unfortunately nobody in a hockey mask comes to put us out of our misery.

    Alison begins being plagued by hallucinations and bad dreams. This stress keeps her from knocking boots with the dreamy Leif Garrett who finds other pom poms to shake. Soon the bodies start piling up and Alison is unsure if she's a killer or just a scapegoat for someone else.

    The killer is predictable but not because of a bad script. If you watch the trailer on Youtube, you will see every single character who dies. It's called process of elimination not that the script tries too hard to retain any sense of mystery. The movie is too busy devoting it's time to jiggly, bouncy breasts and bad dialogue.

    The ending is actually good with Alison being convinced that she is the killer. The real killer dances in victory as Alison heads off to a future of  shock therapy and Xanax.

    But as far as '80s slasher films go this is still pretty decent. If you can sit through a Jason film then you can definitely appreciate this one.

31 Days Of Horror #9-13: The Child's Play Movie Guide

   I am very bad blogger. To make up for missing five days, I've decided to do one of my movie guides spanning five movies. Lazy and irresponsible, I know, but hopefully fun.

  Child's Play (1988): A young boy's dream come true becomes a nightmare after his toy becomes possessed by a serial killer.

   The Good: Child's Play was an edgy and original addition to the slasher genre. It had some good scare scenes, some original death scenes and could be funny without appearing cartoonish. Brad Dourif is an incredible voice actor and does the impossible, makes a doll appear really scary.

   The Bad: Child's Play is hindered by an uneven storyline and unnecessary characters. Even though you know from the start that Chucky is the killer, they try to make you think it was the little boy. That red herring tactic would've made more sense if everything associated with the film wasn't Chucky based.

  Notable Stars: Catherine Hicks, Dinah Manoff, and Chris Sarandon. The true tragedy is that Sarandon is a fine actor but even he couldn't make too much out of his role.

 Child's Play 2 (1990): Proving that you can keep a good doll, Chucky's back to wreck havoc on Andy's life.


   The Good: Even it's worst films the Child's Play franchise has two things to be proud of humor and creative kills. That is the only thing that really saves this film from being a total snooze fest.

   The Bad: Child's Play 2 is simply a tepid rehash of part one. Once again the movie tries to make Andy look like the bad guy when the audience knows that the killer is Chucky. There are way too many characters introduced to simply be killed off moments later.

 The thing that really ticks me off about the movie is the way they got rid of Andy's mother. She is alleged to have been committed due to her rantings about Chucky. Which would have made sense if two police officers hadn't seen Chucky alive and well at the end of the first films. What about them? Were they committed to? A simple throwaway line about what happened to them would've been cool.

    Notable Stars: Jenny Agutter, Graham Gerrit, and Christine Elise. Oddly, newcomer Elise outshines the two more seasoned actors in the film.

   Child's Play 3 (1991) A now teen aged Andy finds himself battling his childhood foe once again.

    The Good: Nothing

    The Bad: This is by far the worst installment in the franchise. Even the world's most creative kills and funniest lines would save this film. There is nothing redeemable about this film, the characters are unpleasant assholes, heroes and villains alike. Even the doll appears dismayed at being involved with this crap fest.

    The whole point of the first two movies was that Andy is the only way Chucky can resurrect himself. However now the writers go oops never mind any kid will do. This won't be the first time a sequel messes with the mythology of the series but it is the the worst.

   Bride of Chucky (1998): Chucky is back and better than ever and this time he is not alone.

   The Good: The best part about hitting rock bottom is that you can only go up. And up this movie goes. Bride of Chucky is a perfect synergy of humor, action, and horror. The actors are phenomenal and really get into their roles. The kills are simply filled with over the top awesomeness. Plus this film has one of the best horror movie soundtracks of all time

   The Bad: Nothing it's just that awesome.

  Notable Stars: Jennifer Tilly, Katherine Heigl, John Ritter, Alexis Arquette, and Kathy Najimy in a hilarious cameo. Jennifer Tilly and Brad Douriff who voices Chucky are an awesome pair with an amazing chemistry.

 Seed of Chucky: Chucky has a baby. "Whoop De Doo Basil!"

 The Good: The film gives actress Jennifer Tilly considerable screen time as Tiffany and herself. She is the only thing that saves this otherwise dreadful film.

  The Bad: Where to start the uneven story lines, the desperate attempts at humor and cavalcade of celebrity cameos. The majority of the film centers on Glen, son of Chucky and Tiffany. Is he a boy or girl, a killer or hero? Who cares? It's like someone ate the other four Chucky scripts and puked up this mess. The film even resorts to toiler humor to garner a couple of laughs. The Child's Play franchise may have been gory but they were never juvenile avoid at all costs.

  Notable Stars: Tilly and Dourff revise their roles dragging Redman and John Waters along for the ride.

31 Days Of Horror #8: Return of the Living Dead 3

Welcome to the O.C. bitch.

 
   In my opinion Return of the Living Dead 3 is one of the most well-written and thought provoking zombie films in recent history. For the most part the Return series was mostly campy and light hearted, more gore than actual story. This film however changes the rules and the result is 97 minutes of awesome.

   We meet teenage lovers Curt and Julie, Curt's father is a soldier experimenting with Trioxin, the zombie-creating gas from the first two movies. When the project goes sour, Curt's father is dismissed and relocated. An angry Curt runs away with Julie but she winds up dying in a motorcycle accident. Curt sneaks into the labs to bring her back to life.

  At first Julie seems alright but is soon gripped by the urge to eat brains. Unlike typical zombies, she is still self-aware and tries to fight her deadly urges. She learns that intense pain can stave off craving and does some damage that would make any masochist proud. The unlikely couple finds themselves on the run from gangsters, the military, and zombies alike.

   This is probably one of the few zombie films that you see from a first person point of view. Julie comes off as sympathetic and not just a bumbling bag of flesh in search of brains. I was impressed by the actress who played Julie, Melinda Clarke from the O.C. I didn't think much of her acting but this film changed my mind.

  The ending is quite beautiful and tragic which is what really sets this film apart from other movies in this genre. This is a must see for zombie fans even if you do find yourself tearing up at the end. If you are squeamish though, you might want to give this film a past. It is a lot gorier than your standard zombie fare.

31 Days Of Horror #7: The Initation of Sarah

   As far as horror goes, this film is a toss-up, it does have the common elements of a horror movie but it is also an ABC Family production.

   To start off I have never seen the '78 film so I have no basis of comparison. I do know that actress Morgan Fairchild appeared in both of them. The film is about two twin sisters Sarah and Lindsay who are heading off to college. Sarah has had some problems in the past and the girls hope to have a fresh start.

  Their mother urges them to join her sorority, Alpha Nu headed by the prim and proper Corrine. The girls are also being wooed by Pi Epsilon Delta headed by a the slightly odd Doctor Hunter. It turns out that Alpha plans to sacrifice Sarah in an effort to keep their youth and powers.

   The movie is pretty decent, it lacks gore and only has a couple of murders that take place off screen. The actors are pretty awesome, Mika Boorem who plays Sarah is a likable heroine. Jennifer Tilly as always is seductive and gets a couple of good one-liners throughout the film. The films also stars Amber Wallace a talented but woefully underused actress.

  Summer Glau is also in this film but she really is a blank slate, there is none of the awesomeness that she would later bring to Firefly and TSCC.

   The film also gets some serious awesome points for featuring T.Rex's Children of the Revolution for the climatic end battle. This is one the few films with sequel hooks that made me actually want a follow up film. This is a great film for horror and non horror fans alike.

31 Days Of Horror #6: Maximum Overdrive

 
Many people have trashed Maximum Overdrive but I am not one of them. To me, this film is one of the better Stephen King film adaptations. There is action, comedy, cool cars, kickass music, and hot chicks, everything the '80s stood for.

   The movie based on the King short story Trucks where the very things that man made turn on them. The main action takes place at a tiny truck stop in North Carolina where a few survivors plot to escape. However they are surrounded by thousand hungry trucks demanding to be fed or else.

  Yeah flimsy plot but the movie manages to overcome it. You got what is probably Emilio Estevez's best role since Breakfast Club. A soundtrack consisting of nothing but AC/DC. The voice of Lisa Simpson, Yeardley Smith playing a neurotic newlywed. Marla Maples killed by a watermelon. Or the obligatory Stephen King cameo where he gets to utter this awesome line "Honey! C'mon over here, Sugar-buns. This machine just called me an asshole!"

  The kills are phenomenal, steamrollers, soda machines, and video games get to lay waste to the humans who underestimated them. There is not a single death scene in this picture that isn't worth applause.

 
Even the star of the film is not human, it's a kick ass semi truck bearing the face of the Green Goblin. This truck is fab, fab, fab. One day I will get my license, buy this truck and drive cross country scaring tourists and children alike.

If you like the '80s, you must watch this movie. Enough said.

31 Days Of Horror #5: Deadly Friend

The original Lady Ga Ga

  Wes Craven is a fabulous director and a horror icon, creating some of the best horror films in our lifetime. But sometimes he can also bring us disasters such as My Soul To Keep and of course Deadly Friend.

  Deadly Friend is just awful, dark, depressing, and just unpleasant to boot. It also inexplicably is home to one of the best kill scenes in recent horror history, but more on that later.

   We meet uber geek Paul who has just moved to town with his mother. Paul is owner of a robot named BB who looks like the product of a one night stand between Johnny 5 and the yellow Power Ranger.

  Matt soon befriends Samantha, the typical girl next door. Samantha's father is an abusive alcoholic who is getting worse every day. One night Samantha and Paul play a prank on a crotchety old neighbor woman played by Anne Ramsay of the Goonies fame. She winds up shooting BB and essentially destroying it.

  Tragedy strikes again when Samantha is killed by her father. Paul realizes the odds of finding another hot blond who thinks robots are sexy are slim to none. So he takes the BB's AI, steals Sam's body and implants said chip right into her brain.

 Sam 2.0 stumbles around expressionless and talking in a monotone. Not too different from pretty much every role Kristy Swanson ever played. Sam's true self keeps flashing through and eventually she takes our her revenge on her father and the evil neighbor. This is where the awesome kill scene happens, she decapitates the neighbor with a basketball. The reason I think this scenes is so badass is how uncovential and unpredictable the weapon was. Check out the scene here if you are interested.

   Eventually Sam 2.0 gathers the attention of the police and Paul tries to hide her in a woodshed. Cops find her, she finally becomes the old Sam, cops shoot her, Paul cries, it's a feel good film for the whole family. Now the end scene confuses me as I have no idea whether it was a dream sequence of the stupidest scare ending ever created.

  Paul just hasn't learned his lesson and goes off to steal Sam's body. All of a sudden she comes to life, tears off her skin to reveal an evil BB who then apparently strangles him to death as the credit roll.

   Avoid this movie, there is only one good aspect and you can find that on Youtube. Attempting to view the rest of this film will just result in 91 minutes being cruelly stolen from your life.

31 Days Of Horror #3: Hello Mary Lou Prom Night 2

    For this entry I'd thought I'd look to the cinematic style of our good friends from the Great White North: Canada. Mary Lou is an in name only sequel to the '80s horror flick, Prom Night. In truth I like this one better and appreciate it not keeping in touch with the original.

   
In my opinion the original Prom Night was a snore, a tepid whodunit that wasted the talents of poor Jamie Lee Curtis and Leslie Nielsen. What can you say about a film that sets it final chase scene to disco of all things. Mary Lou went supernatural and improved itself over it's predecessor.

    The film opens in the '50s where we meet bad girl Mary Lou Mahoney. The only thing that that Mary Lou wants in life is that coveted prom queen title. Give the girl a break, this was before Woman's Lib. A prank played by a jilted lover goes horrible wrong and Mary Lou is burned alive.

   The film fast forwards thirty years ahead when highschooler Vicki finds Mary Lou's prom attire in a storage room. The discovery releases Mary Lou's vengeful spirit who tortures and eventually possesses Vicki. Mary Lou sets out to avenge her death and don her crown.

   Mary Lou is not bad for a B movie horror. There are few slow suspense scenes that hinder most slashers of that era. The kills are pretty good, from possessing a computer and electrocuting  a teen to stabbing a priest with his own cross. The hardest thing an actress can do is the possession storyline, but Wendy Lyon pulls it off. She channels Mary Lou's voice and movements with surprising ease.

 
Not too much gore but there is a particularly squicky scene where the possessed Vicki attempts to make out with her father, luckily it's a short scene.  There are some hysterical one liners most of them uttered by Mary Lou. The ending was actually kind of tender with Mary Lou confronting the kid who inadvertently ended her life. The movie does lose points for the tacked on sequel hook at the very end though. It also loses points for the senseless murder of a pregnant girl.

 Most of the actors are unknowns safe for '80s bad ass Michael Ironside who plays a principal and father of Vicki's boyfriend, Craig. I don't really mention Craig simply due to the fact that he had the screen presence of a Pop Tart. He would later utilize that talent by playing a zombie in the 2004 Dawn of the Dead remake.

  Still, this is a film I would recommend for '80s horror fans and luckily made the transition to DVD so it will be easy to find. If you like the original Prom Night then you might want to avoid as it is a completely different movie.

31 Days Of Horror #2: Daddy's Girl

   

The '90s were a breeding ground for the killer tot genre. You had Mikey, The Paperboy, and even Macaulay Culkin in the Good Son. However, Daddy's Girl set itself apart as being the only film where the killer was a girl. 

    Gabrielle Boni plays Jodie the aforementioned Daddy's Girl. She predictably slices and dices her way through anyone who stands in her way. Boni is a great child actress and possibly the only really good part of the film. It also stars William Katt, Whip Hubley, and Peggy McRea who just seem to be going through the motions.

   The chief problem with this film is that it is phenomenally boring, with drawn out suspense scenes and one too many nightmare sequences. The kills are mediocre and the majority of the characters are just assholes.

  Seriously, there are no redeeming qualities to anyone in this picture. We are supposed to care about these victims not root for the killer.   They even shoehorn in a orphaned cousin  who realizes what Jodie really is about. This leads to a vague attempt at a back story for Jodie, which like this film is uneven and half baked.

   The ending is the real insult of the movie. The boy killer movies always have their killers going out in a blaze of glory and sometimes even surviving. The lone girl killer movie goes out with a whimper.

  She attempts to kill her mother who unfortunately survives. Daddy saves the day and realizes what a holy terror he was raised. He is very disturbed by this knowledge and turns away from his crying daughter. Does she grab a garden tool and punish him for his betrayal?

  No, no, a thousand times no. She simply bursts into tears and begs her Daddy to love her again. And that's how this film ended. No follow up or grand finale. Just tears and jeers for all. Avoid this film, you've been warned.


 

31 Days Of Horror #1: Trick Or Treat

    Welcome boys and ghouls as you all know I am a horror movie fanatic. In tribute to my favorite holiday Halloween, I will cover one horror per day until the big day. First on the chopping block is the 1986 lost classic, Trick Or Treat.

    This movie was released on DVD in 2002 and quickly fell out of print. Unfortunately music copyright laws are preventing this film from being re released. Which is a shame since this is one of the most awesome horror films to come out of the '80s.

    We meet metal head outcast Eddie (Marc Price) who is mourning the loss of his idol, Sammi Curr. A sympathetic DJ gives him a rare final record of Sammi's to be played on Halloween. The spirit of Sammi uses the record to contact Eddie, helping him exact revenge on his high school bullies. But when Sammi's plans progress from pranks to murder, it's up to Eddie to stop his idol before it's too late.

     The movie avoids the pratfalls of just hiring pretty people who can't act, something that plagued most '80s horror films. Marc Price best known as Skippy from Family ties sheds the nerd image and puts in a likable performance. Doug Savant also plays against type as the main bully. The film is blessed by two metal gods, Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy is hysterical in a cameo as a priest decrying rock n roll. And he's oddly intelligible to boot. The actor who plays Sammi Curr, Tony Fields puts in a pretty scary performance. Not bad for a former Solid Gold dancer.

    What's impressive about Trick or Treat is it's pacing, there's very few slow or pointless scenes. It also with the exception of one scene avoids the obligatory horror movie sex scenes. The kills are quite creative, one scene consists of Sammy blowing up another singer's head via microphone. The singer is played by Kevin Yagher who also did the special effects. He would later go on to providing special effects for Freddy Krueger and the Crypt Keeper.

     If you are an '80s, horror or metal fan you must seek out this movie, it will be hard due to it's unavailability but worth it.

   

     

Summer Camp Nightmare or a.k.a Who the Hell is Marvin?

 


Summer Camp Nightmare is another one of my "Holy Grail Movies." You know the films that you have wanted to see forever but could never find. Now I wish it had remained lost in the archives.

   Don't let the advertising fool you, this film is not a slasher film. It's a very boring rehash of Lord of the Flies sans the pig head and latent homo erotic themes. We visit your typical '80s summer camp full of teenage counselors who want to drink and bone. There's a "mean" counselor named Mr. Warren, who of course, stands in the way of their summer debauchery.

    One Manson-in-training camper named Franklin stages a bloodless coup and manages to lock up all the adults. Hooray, the counselors can finally drink and bone, expect for the scant few who still remember that they have small children to tend to. One of the children, Donald serves as a narrator recording the events onto a seemingly endless supply of blank cassettes.

     Without rules, chaos prevails Mr. Warren is killed trying to escape and a rape occurs. Franklin, who now refers to himself as a General lets the rapist off the hook. The girls revolt and carry him off to the woods and according Donald he is never seen or heard from again. It seems like a cop out, the movie was fine with showing a woman getting raped but not with showing the rapist getting his comeuppance.

    Eventually the cops show up and thanks to Donald's tapes, Franklin faces punishment for his misdeeds. The movie tries to paint him as a poor neglected teenager towards the end but it's too late, the character is just simply unlikable.

  This movie is just boring, nothing really interesting happens until the middle of the film.  The first part of the film tries and fails to flesh out the characters. The cast is relatively unknown save for soap star Melissa Reeves and Tom Fridley who is John Travolta's nephew.

   There are huge plot holes throughout the film like why would a camp have so few adults in the first place? What about the rapist? Not to sympathize with the character but he was murdered by a group of "innocent" teenage girls. Are they going to be able to live with what they did? Do they hope his parents will simply forget he existed? What prompted the cops to show up at the end? How is it that no one even attempted to break out and get help? It's not like they were being closely watched. And why is there a letter on the poster from Marvin and no one named Marvin?

    I guess not all "Holy Grail" movies can be as awesome as Jennifer, The Snake Goddess.

In Stepford, No one dreams of Jeannie

   If you have seen The Stepford Children, consider yourself lucky. This is one of many television films that fell through the cracks and never made it to DVD. You can find it online if you look though.

  We meet the Harding family, Steven is a former resident of Stepford and moving back for a simpler life. He's accompanied by wife, Laura, and his two stereotypically '80s punk teenagers. Laura is played by the fabulous Barbara Eden.

  Steven joins the fabled Men's Association who in addition to Stepfording their wives are tuning their teenagers to perfection. Steven fits in perfectly unlike his wife and kids. Laura is stunned by how vanilla her new town is, and ruffles feathers demanding changes.

  The teens, David and Mary, stick out like sore thumbs at their perfect high school. David doesn't care, he has met Lois another wild teen whose mother has just drank the Stepford Kool-Aid. Mary however starts to question her individuality after suffering a series of humiliations at school. The trio attempt to loosen up their fellow students by blaring rock music at a school dance. The devil's music whips them into a frenzy and causes the teens to be arrested.

  The Stepford men descend on Lois who calls David for help. They attempt to leave town but Lois is severely injured in a motorcycle accident. David sneaks into her hospital room and realizes that she is a robot. Laura begins to investigate the crash but they cops are unresponsive.

   David meets the new and improved Lois and confides in his mother. They go to visit her parents and Laura notes the changes in Lois' mother. Laura returns home unaware that Steven has upgraded Mary in her absence.
 
   Unnerved by her daughter's sudden change, Laura furthers her investigation. She learns that her hubby's first wife had died suddenly. She digs up her grave and uncovers a smashed up robot. She races home to learn that the Men's Association is looking for David. Mary 2.0 attempts to stab her mother but Laura manages to short circuit her and escapes.

   The men are furious that David managed to escape. Mary breaks in and finds her real daughter but their escape is thwarted by the men. However, David shows up in the nick of time and they flee Stepford.

     The films only real problem was how slow the movie progressed. It seemed like the saved the real action for the last 15 minutes of the film. It also ended  really abruptly, it's kind of jarring. Barbara Eden is pretty awesome and the storyline was decent. It didn't try to rip off too much from it's predecessor, The Stepford Wives which I appreciated.   All in all, the film is okay. Not the best in the world but it's watchable.
   

Whatever Mikey wants Mikey gets

    In the '90s, it was all about the killer child. You had such classics as Daddy's Little Girl and The Paperboy, even Macaulay Culkin got in on the action in The Good Son. Out of all of them, Mikey is hands down the best.

    Rather than waste half the movie with long drawn-out suspense scenes, Mikey cuts right to the chase. His family doesn't make it past the first 15 minutes. Mikey is adopted by another family who have no idea who they brought into their home. Of course, once things don't go his way he resorts to some very tough love.

   The most refreshing aspect of this movie is the death scenes, they are fairly realistic. These are kills that a young person could conceivably do. Some of the deaths in the other films would require the main character to have super human strength to pull it off.

    The cast of the film are pretty fun too. Mikey is played by Brian Bonsell, who is known for his roles as Andy Keaton on Family Ties and Worf's son Alexander on STNG. Brian Bonsell is a perfect choice for Mikey. He can play innocent just as well as psycho and there some really chilling scenes in the film. 

   A pre-Melrose Place, Josie Bisset, plays a neighbor who unfortunately catches Mikey's eye. And there's some horror royalty with Whit Hertford, who played Jacob in Nightmare on Elm Street 5.  They actually put in some fine performances despite the film's B movie status.

    The film does lose points for having the obligatory sequel hook but then again what horror film doesn't? It may be a B movie but it's actually well done. Any fan of the slasher genre should check this out, it's worth it.

Have The Critics Stopped Screaming, Craven?

   I'll admit it, I was excited when I saw the trailer for Scream 4. I have seen all my favorite horror films rebooted and unimagined, it's getting old. Having the original director and original actors of Scream reuniting was like a breath of fresh air.

   The film takes place 15 years after the events of Scream 1. Sydney is now survival girl pimping her latest book, when the murders start she becomes something she's never been before, a suspect. Dewey who is now a sheriff forces her to stay in Woodsboro until things clear up. Dewey and Gail are married which is kind of depressing when you remember that David Arquette and Courtney Cox are separated. Gail is bored with her small town life and suffering a case of writer's block.

    Sydney becomes concerned when her niece becomes a target of the new and improved Ghostface. Yes, I said niece. Sydney gets some random family members shoehorned into a script, Maureen apparently had a sister. A sister that is strangely absent from the series considering Maureen and her death was a cornerstone of the original trilogy.

     A major disappointment was the bevvy of known actresses who graced the trailer, Lucy Hale, Shanae Grimes, Anna Paquin, and Kristen Bell are only in the false openings of the films. Yes openings as in plural, one false start is cute but two that's just pushing it.

    As with the other Scream films, people die, the teenagers are precocious and obnoxiously genre savvy, and a killer is revealed. I won't spoil the film with the revelation of the killer I will only say that is was tacked on and dull.

    Logically, Sydney should have been the killer. Come on, for fifteen years, this character watched everyone near and dear to her slaughtered mercilessly. She had to kill her own brother and boyfriend. Death seemingly follows her wherever she goes, she's like a younger bustier Jessica Fletcher in that aspect. It certainly would of been a far more interesting ending.

   Scream 4 isn't bad, it's just not too original and pushes too hard to be trendy and "with it." It's a nice way to spend a couple of hours but don't expect the wit and suspense that made Scream 1 such a hit.

Jennifer, The Snake Goddess

   Jennifer a.k.a Jennifer the Snake Goddess was my holy grail of movies. I learned of this film's existence in one of Leonard Maltin's movie guides and was instantly intrigued. The movie and I shared a name and was also released the same year I was born.

    But the film remained elusive to me for many years, until one happy day I stumbled across a copy. A lot of people refer to this as a rip off of Carrie which was released two years prior. I don't see it, while it shares a similar plot it is a far superior movie.

    To start with the main character is more admirable than Carrie. She is no wilting violet languishing in a corner, she is a stronger and more intense heroine. Jennifer is played by Lisa Pelikan who deserved a better career than Ghoulies and Return to Blue Lagoon.

    Jennifer is a poor rural farm girl with a scholarship to an elite private school. Of course, that automatically makes her the school whipping boy. Her main nemesis is Sandra, an untouchable politician's daughter who is far more psychotic than any bully Carrie had to offer. Unfortunately for the mean girls, Jennifer has a special power that she has been trying to suppress for years.

    Carrie was an okay film with some iconic scenes and great cinematography  but was also marred by some horrid soundtrack choices and rampant over acting. Jennifer, however took itself seriously, there's no gore, no cheap scares tacked on at the end. This movie's horror was more subtle than scary. There's actual character and plot development. No blood or unnecessary nudity. A pleasure to watch.

     The movie was not 100% perfect, the film loses points during the big climax. This is the only point in the film where I agree with the rip off theory. Jennifer's psychotic death by jazz hands routine was painful to watch. And the snakes were bottom barrel special effects, and I don't mean by today's standards either. Come on this was the era of Star Wars and Jaws, they could have been slightly better.

    But all in all, Jennifer is well done horror film and twice as good as Carrie. I'd recommend it to any '70s horror movie enthusiast.

Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy

If you are a Nightmare On Elm Street fan, you simply must watch this documentary. Narrated by Heather Langenkemp this film explored the legacy of the Elm Street series and it's impact in horror cinema.
Something rare happened when I watched this, I simply watched it. Usually I am too restless to simply sit in front of a movie. I may work out, I may thumb through a magazine, or putter around the house cleaning. Not with this, I sat on the couch pleased as punch for four hours.
Yes, the film is four hours long but worth it. It covers every film from Nightmare 1 to the much lamented Freddy VS Jason. You learn everything, from the film inception, special effects, earlier script drafts, the casting of the actors, everything you wanted to know about Freddy but were afraid to ask.

Former actors return to share their memories of their times on the film. It seems everyone, cast and crew turn out to celebrate the series. Conspicuously absent however are some of the bigger name actors that starred in the series. Johnny Depp, Patricia Arquette, Jason Ritter, Breckin Myer, and Kelly Rowland make no appearance. I hope that time constraints kept them away, it would be a shame to see them dissing the franchise that started their career.

Since Nightmare On Elm Street 4 was my personal favorite, I looked forward to that installment. It was wonderful see my favorite film delved into with such detail. Seeing the actors 20 years later was fun as well.

I always considered Lisa Wilcox to be a beauty, she still is. 1988
Now


But, what the hell happened to Tuesday Knight?

Circa '80s



Now

Attention Hollywood actresses: Growing old is not the end of the world. We all age. Don't ruin a beautiful face just to appear sexy. Wrinkles are attractive, plastic is not.

Okay, rant over. Like I said, all Nightmare fans must check this out. It's a real cinematic treat.

Nightmare On Elm Street 2010

I tried my darnedest to watch this movie with an open mind. I made a silent deal with this film, be entertaining and I'll forgive your lack of Robert Englund goodness. Needless to say, the movie did not keep it's end of the bargain.

Let's start with Jackie Earle Haley's portrayal of Freddy Krueger. It was boring and totally lacking of any malice. As the human Freddy in flashback he did very well, he is a good actor just not suitable for this role.

Another problem I had was with the makeup. I understand that the film wanted to go less cartoony and more realistic but come on. Something that looks like a blend of the Borg Queen and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew is not scary.

Kyle Gallner, Ella Cassidy, and Kellan Lutz are pretty talented actors. Shamefully, they are stuck with dull as dish water roles. You don't root for these characters, you simply don't care. Also, the kids are way too quick to believe in Freddy. Ella's character Kris is forced to watch her boyfriend kill himself after telling her about Freddy. Despite the fact that the character is known to be on medication does not hinder her instant belief in Freddy.

The original Nightmare On Elm Street was dark, scary, and campy. It had some talented actors and some memorable characters. It was more than a film series, it was a legacy. If people want to re imagine great horror film then do it for the love of the genre. Don't do it for the paycheck.

And a note to the girls sitting a couple rows ahead of me. Yes, Kellan Lutz was in Twilight, we all know that. There was no reason to squeal about it and chatter about Twilight for a few agonizing minutes until someone shushed them. If you wanna talk about Twilight go see a Twilight movie and don't torture the rest of the audience.