Secrets in the Attic or how to be a masochist without even trying

  

  Imagine you had a friend in high school, a close friend with whom you were inseparable. Eventually though you outgrew this friend and drifted away. Time passes and you look them up only to find out your friend has lost their effing mind. This sums up my relationship with Andrew Neiderman aka V.C. Andrews.

  I haven't read a V.C. Andrews book in years but Secrets in the Attic called out to me. Mainly because it I thought it might be a throwback to Flowers in the Attic. The novel centers around two besties, Karen and Zipporah. At least the Andrews' legacy of terrible names hasn't gone out of style.

  Karen begins to act strangely and eventually reveals that her stepdad is a regular Norman Bates who has been molesting her. Eventually Karen kills him and Zippy is forced to hide her friend while feigning ignorance to her trusting parents.

  This story could have been a great psychological study on whether Karen was a victim or a heartless murderer. This book could have been some Nancy Drew mystery with the girls working to clear Karen's name. This book could have been about giant zombie bunnies fighting vampire guinea pigs. Any of these approaches would have been better than what really happened.

   Aside from the murder, the plot of the book centers on Zipporah getting laid. Your best friend's virginity is far more important than being on the lam for murder. She even goes so far to manipulate some guy into thinking Zipporah's a sure thing. In the old school V.C. Andrews novel, Zipporah would have been raped, but this is a kinder gentler V.C.; attempted rape only.

  Zipporah soon finds out that her older brother not only knows about Karen, he is also sleeping with her. Everyone eventually finds out that Karen has been lying about what had really happened and is conveniently put away in a mental hospital. And that she has a convenient sequel hook growing in her belly thanks to all that secret attic sex.

   Secrets had the potential to actually be worthy of the V.C. Andrews name but was incredibly botched by boring characters and ludicrous story lines. I was hoping to read more about Karen not Zipporah and her search for a clue. Sadly, there is a sequel and I will read and review it. It’s because I may be a masochist who specializes in torturing herself.

  Hopefully Secrets in the Shadows will tie up the multitude of loose ends that Attic has left behind.

Cinemania's First Guest Post

Thank you to Spencer Blohm for this blogs' first guest post about a one of my favorite actresses, Kate Beckinsale. Happy Belated Birthday.

The talented and beautiful Kate Beckinsale turned 40 this past week. In honor of this milestone, I have collaborated with Jen to do a celebratory post on her life and career. Happy birthday Kate, I don’t think 40 has ever looked so good!

Kathrin Romary Beckinsale was born on July 26, 1973 in London. The only child of two actors, it seemed destined that Kate would join in the family business. Her first television appearance happened when she was four. She appeared on an episode of the British biographical series This is Your Life which had dedicated an episode to her father. Unfortunately, the following year, when Kate was only five, her father suffered from a heart attack and died. Kate and her mother then moved in with director Roy Battersby and she was raised with his five children.

Kate attended the Godolphin and Latymer School during her teen years and became involved with a local youth theater group. Despite being considered one of the most beautiful women in the business today, in high school Kate was a shy and reserved teen who hadn’t yet grown into her looks. She spent her teen years miserable and isolated, resulting in a difficult battle with anorexia. Eventually she suffered a nervous breakdown and was forced to undergo years of therapy to recover. She feels she fell prey to the disease primarily because of the trauma surrounding her father’s death. She discussed the rough patch with report Janie Lawrence in 1997 saying, “For some kids, if something traumatic happens to them when they're very young they pick something safer to worry about...The worst thing about it is that it takes on a life of its own separate from whatever's caused it.”

She moved on from that dark period while at New College in Oxford where she studied French and Russian literature. She excelled in college, earning the WH Smith Young Writers Award twice and joining the Oxford University Dramatic Society. Her first acting role came in 1991 when she appeared in the mini-series Devices and Desires. That same year she appeared in Hallmark made-for-TV movie One Against the Wind. Her first major role came in 1993 when she landed the role of Hero in the film adaptation of Much Ado About Nothing. She appeared in a few more films while attending school, but ultimately decided to quit school in 1995 to put all her time and energy into her acting career.

The same year she dropped out of school she received critical praise for her portrayal of Flora Poste in Cold Comfort Farm, also that year she starred in the horror film Haunted. She followed Haunted with her first professional theater appearance in The Seagull. It was during this time she met her boyfriend Michael Sheen. They stayed together until 2003, and Sheen is the father of her daughter. After starring in three more plays during 1996 she began work as the title character in the mini-series Emma, which was based on Jane Austen’s novel.

In 1998 she and Sheen moved to New York and she landed her first American movie: The Last Days of Disco. Kate received many positive reviews for her role as the uptight and snobby Charlotte. She continued to act in a series of lesser known American films through the end of the 90’s. In 2001 she landed her first leading role as a nurse torn between two best friends in the Michael Bay war epic Pearl Harbor. Despite differences with Bay and mixed reviews of the film, Kate’s star began to rise. She ended 2001 with a co-starring role alongside John Cusack in Serendipity.

Kate’s signature, most well-known role, came in 2003 when she starred as the vampire vixen Selene in Underworld. Her second action film came in 2004 when she starred in Van Helsing with Hugh Jackman. That same year she married director Len Wiseman at the Hotel Bel-Air. In a bid to diversify her resume, she accepted the role of screen siren Ava Gardner in Martin Scorsese’s The Aviator, a Howard Hughes biopic. In 2006 she showcased her acting skills by reprising her character in Underworld: Evolution and also starred in the family comedy Click.

Kate spent the following years appearing in series of independent films, most of which received mixed reviews. Her most critically praised role, in Nothing but The Truth, earned her a Critic’s Choice Award nomination, but the film is generally forgotten because of its lack of a theatrical release due to the film company filing for bankruptcy in 2008. Following two films in 2009, Everybody’s Fine and Whiteout, Kate took a break from acting for three years.

She made her return in 2012 with three back-to-back action films; Contraband, Underworld: Awakening, and Total Recall. Up next for Kate is the release of her film The Trials of Cate McCall later this year. She is currently filming Eliza Graves, a thriller where she plays a patient in a mental institution.

Through the years Kate has managed to create a body of work that is unique and diverse, both in subject matter and in scale. She continues to captivate audiences no matter what role she chooses. Kate Beckinsale is, and will remain, one of a kind. Happy birthday Kate!

About the Author: Spencer Blohm is a freelance entertainment and film blogger for GetDirectTV.org. A fan of Kate’s since seeing her in The Aviator, he still considers that one of her best roles (alongside The Last Days of Disco and Pearl Harbor). He lives and works in Chicago with his cat Rupert.

10 Things I Hate About Halloween 5

1. Perfectly good storyline from part 4 is completely abandoned.

2. Ellie Cornell is killed off in the first reel taking half of the movies combined talent with her.

3. Terrible Awful Atrocious acting 

4. These fuckers don't die quick enough

5. Cliched cat scare scene

6. Dr Loomis has turned into a dick

7. Movie introduces two bumbling cops for comedic effect, torpedoes franchise for seven years.

8. This scene

9. Michael Myers' cheap dollar store mask

10. Dr Loomis dies yet returns in part 6 with no explanation

Co-ed Call Girl

 Once again, I dive into the pink ghetto known as Lifetime. Like the Nostalgia Critic, I watch it so you don’t have to.

Ahh, Tori Spelling, the spoiled rotten fruit of Aaron Spelling’s loins, how I loathe her. I try not to be that person who hates a celebrity but she just doesn't make it easy. I even read her biography in a last ditch attempt to quell my hatred, it didn't work.

Tori plays Joanna, every Lifetime girl ever. She is a smart girl with a bright future, you know doomed. Her roommates hate her probably as much as I do. As a prank, they call an escort service and leave Joanna’s name asking them for a job.

They actually call her back. This escort service is so desperate that Tori freaking Spelling is a viable option!  The girl who recruits her is played by Jeri Lynn Ryan, a girl you would actually pay for. Joanna meets her favorite author and promptly beds him, getting a healthy paycheck in return.

Joanna soon learns that prostitution does not mean she can’t sleep her way through the male population of her bookshelf. Her pimp, Ron, spends half the film cajoling her and the other half threatening her. At one point he punishes her by selling her to a client for 50 bucks, which is still highway robbery.

Ron attempts some forceful sampling of his own and Joanna shoots him. She’s arrested but the courts declare her to be like totally innocent, ya’ll.  Flanked by her mother and boyfriend, she gives the pimp a triumphant glare before trotting off to her happy ending.

About that happy ending, it’s bullshit.

• ·         She was arrested and her college’s name was dragged through the mud. You really think they are not going to kick her out of there.
• ·         She also shot a man and admitted to being a hooker, you can kiss any job that requires a background check goodbye
• ·         The pimp that she shot is alive; she’s about 20 seconds away from a drive-by shooting carried out by a neckless goon named Big Lou.

Thank you, Lifetime. If it weren't for your terrible and oddly addictive movies, I could actually maintain my self-respect.

V: (The Second Generation) by Kenneth Johnson

  This is what the latest remake of V should have been. In fact, this was what the remake would have been until Warner Bros decided to remake the series completely. Nothing against the newer V series, I did like it and was bummed when it was cancelled.

  

   But this version of V is in a word awesome. It's pays tribute to the show's history and manages to create new story lines that keep the story fresh. First of all, it did what the new series did not, bring back all the old characters not just Diana. In fact, Diana barely came back, the remake flanderized her and wasted the talents of the phenomenal Jane Badler. 

  The novel takes place 20 years after the original series ended. The Visitors are in full control of the world and having been slowly draining the world's water, turning San Francisco into a desert wasteland. The Resistance has been almost destroyed in the Great Purge of '99, leaving only a few left. Things change when a new race of aliens arrives to help the humans take back their planet.

  Starting off, most of the old favorites are back. Mike, Juliet, Willy and Harmony, Robert, Martin, and Diana are all back. There is also the introduction of the second generation who are well written and fit seamlessly with the older series. Particular favorites are Emma and Nathan, former Visitor sympathizers turned vigilantes. And Ruby, Juliet's scrappy half-breed daughter, who avoids being a stereotypical Mary Sue like a lot of child characters turn out to be.

  I wasn't too crazy about the newer alien race; they were rather bland with no real back story. In fact, most of their story was observations on how hot the alien babes were. If I wanted to read alien porn, I would. My biggest quibble with the book was the absence of Robin and her half-breed child, Elizabeth.

  Robin and Elizabeth were an integral part of not only the original mini-series but also the following television series. The alien birth scene is probably one of the most memorable in Sci-Fi history and they don't even warrant a mention. At least scribble a couple of lines about them dying in the purge or whatever. To add insult to injury, Robin's father is a major character in this novel and all he utters is some throwaway line about Mike saving his daughters, just insulting.

 Still this is a great novel, if you loved V or even just love a good Sci-Fi novel, then check it out. You won't be disappointed. 

Alien Nation #1: The Day of Descent by Judith &Garfield Reeves-Stevens

Normally I am not a fan of tie-in novels. While there are some good ones out there, there are plenty more mediocre ones as well. But since I was a huge fan of the Alien Nation series, I had to give this one a shot. This is definitely one of the good ones.

Day of Descent is sort of a prequel to the original series. It picks up just after the season finale left off, with George’s wife and daughter in critical condition after a terrorist attack. While waiting in the hospital George and his son, Buck relieve the events that led to them crash landing on Earth.

Meanwhile, George’s partner, Sikes reveals his first encounter with the aliens to his Cathy, his alien love interest.

I loved being able to delve into George’s past while on the slave ship and how he got the courage to revolt. Buck’s story line about being torn between family and duty was also well-written, though it was hard seeing him as a child as opposed to the teenager we saw in the series. I loved getting a more proper feel for their lives before breaking free from their captors.

I wasn't too fond of the Sikes story line  nothing against the character, I just couldn't get into it. The whole finding out about the aliens/government cover up was done in V and much better in my humble opinion. I found myself being disappointed when the story would shift to him and pretty much skimmed the chapters until I got back to the slave ship.

If you were a fan of the series, then this book is a must read. It gives you a better appreciation of the characters and fills in a lot of necessary back-story. I look forward to reading the other books in the series. 

Horrifying Non-Horror or Oh Hai, Romy & Michelle.

 

 As far as '90s movies go, Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion is a personal favorite. It had likable characters, a solid cast, and an awesome soundtrack. It was the magic of this film that made me stupid enough to seek out this insipid prequel.

  The prequel could have had excellent casting had the casting director not mucked it up. Katherine Heigl plays Romy who was the smarter half of the duo in the original film. She plays Romy as an absolute ditz, same with Alexis Breckinridge who takes the ditzy role of Michelle and makes her more serious and smarter. Had they simply switched roles this movie might have been more tolerable. Maybe the people who made this film couldn't tell the characters apart but the fans could.

  We meet up with a post high school Romy and Michelle who are desperate to leave Phoenix. Inspired by their new favorite movie, Pretty Woman, they decide to move to Hollywood and become hookers. Since this was made by ABC Family, they obviously don't go through with their goal. They are befriended by Donna, a transgender Fairy Godmother who takes the poor girls in. Donna is by far the most likable and entertaining character who should have gotten more of a plot.

   The plot of the original Romy & Michelle was actually relatable. It was about two high school outcasts hoping to show up their former tormentors. The plot of the prequel: Romy & Michelle are desperate to get into a trendy nightclub. This is not a movie plot, this is something you would fined in a typical sitcom or teen drama. 

   There are other more inane subplots, such as the girls’ lucky red shoes whom the original owner is desperate to get back. There’s an insecure model threatening to end the girls’ friendship. There is also a romantic subplot with two actors completely lacking in chemistry. They even trot out a shy maid with musical aspirations to butcher a Cyndi Lauper song. And of course a completely random cameo by Paula Abdul that makes no sense.

  The ditzy duo learns that they should be their selves and not try to fit in with everyone else. This is a lesson that they will completely years later and will have to learn all over again.

    I was at best hoping to find a cute little TV movie to bide my time. This was seriously an in name only movie that felt more like a drawn out cheap sitcom sans the laugh track. Save yourself the agony and simply rent the original instead.