Mother May I Sleep With Danger?

Why not? You've slept with everybody else.


Next to 15 and Pregnant this is one of my favorite Lifetime Movies. It's so deliciously bad, yet you can't not watch it. Like another Lifetime "classic" A Secret Between Friends, it's set in my old hometown of Seattle.

The movie begins with a handsome young lad knocking on his girlfriend's door armed with a teddy bear. The guy is played by Ivan Sergei who you may recognize from Charmed. He becomes unhinged when he sees that she took his pictures down and promptly kills her.

We are then introduced to Laurel Lewisohn (Seriously?) played by a briefly red-haired Tori Spelling. Like all Lifetime heroines before her she has a bright future but has no time for love. Enter "Kevin" who flashes his dimples and promptly wins her over.

Unlike her daughter, Laurel's mother has a brain. She picks up on the oh so obvious warning signs emanating from her new beau. Like what he chose to wear to dinner.


Of course, Laurel is clueless. Even when he stalks her, displays signs of jealously, and acts downright abusive. She forgives him over and over again. She even dyes her hair blond like his former girlfriend used to. Because this Lifetime and they hate us.

But trouble looms on the horizon, psycho boy is obviously not "Kevin." The real Kevin has been in Alaska all this time. The real Kevin is played by Lochlyn Munro, who coincidentally starred in both A Secret Between Friends and Charmed.

Eventually Laurel wises up to her boyfriend's craziness and bails on him. Instead of say, going to the cops, she goes to a dance club and dances with another guy. "Kevin" beats him up and lures Laurel outside to talk. It wasn't that hard to lure her out, he dangled something shiny.

He talks a pretty tale about getting help but drugs Laurel's drink and kidnaps her. "Kevin", this character is clinically brain dead, you didn't need to go to all that trouble. Just tell her you're taking her out for ice cream.

Luckily for Laurel, her mother has been doing some snooping and finds out the truth. She tracks down her daughter who is being held hostage at a family cabin in the woods. Mrs Lewisohn, your daughter's an airhead and this will likely happen again, lo jack the bitch and save us some trouble.

Laurel manages to get away and we get a long boring chase scene. Mrs. Lewisohn shows up at the cabin without any police accompaniment. Like mother, like daughter I guess. She promptly gets knocked out and more boring chase scenes ensue. Tori finds a canoe but doesn't go far. Hard to paddle a canoe with only one oar. "Kevin" capsizes the boat but sadly, Laurel can swim.

Mother and daughter reunite to kick some psycho ass. Damn it, "Kevin", next time you have an axe and are five feet from Tori Spelling, use the damn thing. Laurel knocks Kevin into the water with an oar and he vanishes.

He shows up at another college dressed like a reject from Grease and finds a new blond girl to love. Hopefully she'll ask her mother before she sleeps with danger.

They Shoot Housewives Don't They?

So awhile ago I had the "pleasure" of watching Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story on Lifetime. I wanted to find the other movies since it has been ages since I have seen them. Thanks to the awesomeness of cable and Netflix, I finally got my wish. Here's how the three movies stacked up.

Amy Fisher: My Story a.k.a Lethal Lolita (1992) : . This NBC offering is from Amy Fisher's point of view. Typical tale of a teen seduced by a married man and convinced to kill his wife. Amy sold her rights to her story to help with her bail. NBC was originally going to air it on January 17th until they learned that CBS and ABC were airing their versions 4 days prior. The film ended up airing on December 28 of 1992.
Newcomer Noelle Parker plays Amy. She is the best Amy of the trilogy, in accent and looks. The movie doesn't sanitize or gloss over the gritty details. Unfortunately it gets boring rather quickly. A half hour of the movie is literally Amy arguing with Joey, he doesn't want her dating other guys but refuses to leave his wife for her. Or Amy arguing with her lover Paul, he wants her to leave Joey but refuses to leave his girlfriend for her. Ad nauseum. The movie ends with Amy going to prison regretting ever meeting Joey.

Casualties of Love: The "Long Island Lolita" Story: This version aired on CBS in January of 1993. It is obviously from the Buttafuccos point of view. Joey is portrayed as a faithful husband and father tormented by a teenage seductress. The movie ends with Amy getting her just desserts as the family rejoices. Alyssa Milano shed her good girl image in order to play Amy. As far as accuracy goes, Milano is the least believable in the trilogy. Alyssa makes no real effort to channel Amy and she comes off as one note and boring.

It's understandable though. It's the Buttafucco's version so they concentrate more on themselves and not so much on Amy. Reportedly they were paid 30,000 for their story.

The Amy Fisher Story a.k.a Beyond Control (1993): To this day, I still have no idea whose point of view this story is supposed to be from. I don't even think that ABC knew. Half the movie portrays Amy as a poor misled girl being unfairly punished. The other half portrays Amy as a manipulating, sex driven, seductress determined to get her way at all costs.

Drew Barrymore played Amy Fisher in this film. While she may not have looked too much like Amy, she did a good job of behaving like her. Her accent is halfway decent and if anyone fits the persona of a Lethal Lolita, Drew does.

I didn't like this film when it first aired but second time around I adored it. This version in my opinion is the most fun and entertaining of the trilogy. B grade cheesiness at it's finest.

Nightmare On Elm Street 2010

I tried my darnedest to watch this movie with an open mind. I made a silent deal with this film, be entertaining and I'll forgive your lack of Robert Englund goodness. Needless to say, the movie did not keep it's end of the bargain.

Let's start with Jackie Earle Haley's portrayal of Freddy Krueger. It was boring and totally lacking of any malice. As the human Freddy in flashback he did very well, he is a good actor just not suitable for this role.

Another problem I had was with the makeup. I understand that the film wanted to go less cartoony and more realistic but come on. Something that looks like a blend of the Borg Queen and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew is not scary.

Kyle Gallner, Ella Cassidy, and Kellan Lutz are pretty talented actors. Shamefully, they are stuck with dull as dish water roles. You don't root for these characters, you simply don't care. Also, the kids are way too quick to believe in Freddy. Ella's character Kris is forced to watch her boyfriend kill himself after telling her about Freddy. Despite the fact that the character is known to be on medication does not hinder her instant belief in Freddy.

The original Nightmare On Elm Street was dark, scary, and campy. It had some talented actors and some memorable characters. It was more than a film series, it was a legacy. If people want to re imagine great horror film then do it for the love of the genre. Don't do it for the paycheck.

And a note to the girls sitting a couple rows ahead of me. Yes, Kellan Lutz was in Twilight, we all know that. There was no reason to squeal about it and chatter about Twilight for a few agonizing minutes until someone shushed them. If you wanna talk about Twilight go see a Twilight movie and don't torture the rest of the audience.

2010 Season In Review (Mild Spoilers)

As this television season draws to a close I thought I'd share my thoughts on how my favorite shows fared.


Melrose Place: I worshiped the original Melrose Place and was excited to learn about the reboot. Granted, the season started out boring. They bring Sydney Andrews back from the dead only to kill her off five minutes later.

Auggie (Colin Egglesford) and Violet (Ashlee Simpson) were the most boring characters on the show and they have been removed. Riley and Jonah were boring and I wished them off the show as well. Until Jonah hooked up with Ella....Riley can still go. Heather Locklear is still awesome as Amanda Woodward and it's great to see Thomas Calabro, Josie Bissett, and Daphne Zuniga reprise their former characters.There is buzz that the show may be cancelled and that would be a shame. Melrose Place has finally smoothed out the rough edges and has begun to gel. It deserves a second season.



Big Love: Seriously, what the Hell happened this season. It was like a bad hangover following the prior season's awesomeness. You changed the theme song which is just awful. The story lines have degenerated into pure garbage. Illegal bird deals? Bill was just insufferable. And Margene's story lines have lapsed into a coma of stupidity that the show may not recover from.

To the Big Love writers, two of my favorite actors have left the show. I need something to keep me tuning in. Shape up and be as awesome as I know you can be.



Lost: For the shows' final season, I have been mildly disappointed. The alternate time line ran on way too long. It was good see some of the shows' former actors return but enough is enough. Only a handful of episodes left and nearly nothing has happened. There are questions that need to be answered and only two weeks left to get on the ball.

Oh, and last week's little slaughter fest of original characters made me cry. Not only because the victims were all favorite characters but Jack is still alive. Seriously, Lost, give a devoted fan something to treasure.



Degrassi: The Next Generation: How can you be my guilty pleasure show if I can no longer watch you. I have probably missed half of the season and the episodes I do watch are just deja vu. How many times can Sav and Anya break up in a season? How many times can Ally and Johnny insist they are over? How many times can Riley come out of the closet? Too many new characters and old favorites shuffled into a corner. I miss my guilty pleasure but thank God for Boycott The Caf.
Glee: Started out awesome. It has great characters, fun musical numbers and awesome guest appearances. But the recent episodes have been lacking in entertainment. We spend all this time rooting for Emma and Will but get nothing except angst and fighting. Same for Rachel and Finn. There is still hope for the show and hopefully it will get out of it's slump.


The Secret Life Of The American Teen: If it had just been the teenagers, I would've have never been sucked into this show. It's the adult cast that keeps me coming back. Molly Ringwald, Jennifer Coolidge, Mayim Bialik, Kathy Kinney, and Josie Bissett are simply awesome and make the show watchable.

Plus the show has that unapologetic, awesomely over the top dialogue and story lines that Degrassi used to be famous for. A girl convinced that her fantastic sex killed her father, classic. However enough with the pregnancies, couple swapping, and blink and you'll miss them love interests.


Desperate Housewives: This season has been 100% awesome. Great story lines, great use of humor and drama. The Fairview Strangler was predictable but the back story made is an awesome storyline. Love Drea De Matteo and was happy to see her on the show. Katherine's final storyline was wonderful. It was refreshing to have a lesbian storyline not be for ratings but be a natural evolution for the character. Top notch.

Living Dead In Dallas (Spoilers)

Thankfully, Season 2 of True Blood doesn't follow Living Dead In Dallas to the letter. I am actually happy about that. As much as I loved Dead Until Dawn, reading that after watching Season 1 was kind of anti-climatic.

Callisto the maenad has less of a presence in the book than she does in series. Nothing against Michelle Forbes who played Marianne (renamed for the series) she is awesome. But Season 2 could have been appropriately renamed everyone loves Marianne.

I also like the fact that True Blood did not kill of Lafayette like the book did. Aside from Tara and Eric, Lafayette is one of my favorite True Blood characters. Tara does debut in this book but has nothing to do with Callisto/Marianne.

However True Blood improved on one aspect of the book. The sacrifice of Godfrey (a.k.a Godric in the series. In the book he has no connection with Eric or Bill. Sookie still witnesses his death but as more of a stranger. It didn't have the impact that the series did. Case in point...



Another interesting aspect of reading the series is the change of my allegiances to certain couples. When I watched the series I was rooting for Sookie and Bill to be together. But as I read the series, I find myself more and more interested in an Eric/Sookie pairing.

It will be interesting to watch the new series with a knowledge of the books, unlike when I watched Seasons 1 & 2.

Danielle Steel's Remembrance

So I attempted to review the miniseries of Danielle Steel's Remembrance. Unfortunately the film was so dull that I just couldn't get through it. I did however find the copy of the book at a thrift store and hilarity ensued.

It's books like this one that makes it hard for me to admit that I like some Danielle Steel novels. The movie centers on the blond haired, green eyed, Italian goddess Serena. Yes, no brown haired, brown eyed Italians would do in Steel's world.

Serena is a Princess forced to flee Italy and live in the States during Mussolini's reign. Why, you ask? Because apparently, Serena is so beautiful that she will likely be raped by soldiers any minute.

After the war is over, Serena returns to Italy and learns that her beloved grandmother has died. Are you aware that Serena is totally gorgeous? If you forgot, the author is quick to remind you a hundred times. Serena moves in with her grandmothers' maid and becomes a maid as well. Which is supposedly a horrible thing because she's so gosh darn beautiful.

She meets John Stamos at an airport and he tells her that she's pretty. Not really, she meets an equally good looking soldier named B.J. He is so instantly in love with her that he dumps his fiancee and begs her to marry him. But she won't, she's only a poor princess who would destroy his life.

B.J. eventually is relocated to Paris and a heartbroken Serena wastes away to practically nothing. Of course, he sweeps her off her little Italian feet and eventually the two wed and learn that she is pregnant. They have a beautiful daughter, obviously.

B.J's family hates her but that's okay because she is so beautiful. She is widowed but her brother in law, Teddy, watches out for her because she is so beautiful. She has no career skills but becomes a model because she's so.....Hey when did blood start trickling out my ears?

Moving on, Serena meets a Greek god named Vaseline or Vagisal or something like that. Anyway, she and Vag Cream fall in love and get married and have another beautiful daughter. Vag Cream turns out to be a horrible drug addict who kills Serena.

Serena's eldest daughter, Vanessa, witnesses the murder and goes into shock. The other daughter, Charlotte is spirited away by Vag Cream's brother. Vanessa completely blocks out the fact that she ever had a sister. B.J's family suddenly takes an interest in Vanessa and a custody trial ensues. Luckily, good old Uncle Teddy gets her and is the best father he can be.

The movie ends on this note, which is the only good thing about it. The books however keeps going and going. Vanessa grows up to be...you guessed it beautiful. But the trauma of her mother's death keeps her from committing to her boyfriend.

Teddy marries some gal and they have a baby. The very second Vanessa holds the tyke, memories of her sister come flooding back and she must find her. She goes to Greece, where Charlotte is conveniently on a trip. But Vag Cream's brother is there to welcome her with open arms.

Danielle Steel has a strange common theme in some of her books. The main heroine is traumatized and unable to commit to a man who loves her. She then indulges in hot, sweaty, affair with some wonderful guy who cannot have a future with her. This gives her the courage to then commit to the nice guy waiting in the wings.

In Vanessa's case the temp guy is none other than Vag Cream's brother. He also has cancer and begs Vanessa to take Charlie with her. Yes, stick your foster daughter with someone she barely knows. Deprive her of having any kind of closure in her foster father's death. But who cares if she gets traumatized? There will be some guy in the wings waiting to boink some sense into her.

Fifteen And Pregnant

"Don't your brain ever hurt from thinking so much?" This is one of the first sentences to welcome us to Fifteen and Pregnant. Accompanied by a cheesy pop tune, Kristen Dunst loses her virginity to her boyfriend. "Don't tell me you love me if you don't" she whispers to him.

Tina's parents are divorcing, her brother is leaving to live with her father, and her bad boy boyfriend has just dumped her. Don't be sad they dated from July to October, that's like a century in teen years. Tina is a good Christian girl, in a Lifetime movie, and she's had sex. Doom, Doom, Doomedy Doom.

Tina's mother starts to notice that Tina is sporting a baby bump. Poor Park Overall, she was my favorite actress in the '90s. In this film, she is just a whiny, walking, talking PSA. Tina takes a pregnancy test and confesses all to her mother.

By the way, abortion is the most horrible, wrong, grossest thing ever, according to Tina. Really, Lifetime, you really wanna go there? She worries about things all teen moms worry about. Will she have to give up soccer? Who wrote this movie, The Church Lady from SNL?

Morning sickness rears it's ugly head for Tina. There are many scenes in this film that makes me laugh, but the morning sickness scene takes the cake. Despite being suddenly sick, Tina has the time to turn on the shower to mask the sounds. Who really has the time to do that when you are suddenly ill?

A clueless Ray shows up at Christmas but Tina's mom sends him away. Tina's younger sister can't take the insanity and wants to live with her father. Enter Tina's friend, the other teen mom, juggling the weight of work, day care, and two whole college classes. She's the walking, talking, PSA for abstinence.

Ray has heard about the pregnancy and vows to be a better father than his dad. He's got nothing better going on, why not have a kid? Seriously who writes this movie? Tina's worst fear is confirmed, she can no longer play soccer. The school wants to send her off to one of those special unwed mother schools. Do special unwed mom schools really exist? I've known a couple of teen moms and they were allowed to continue going to school.

Tina is by far the whiniest character that Lifetime has to offer. I understand that she's supposed to be immature and hormonal but she's irritating as hell. Kara Thrace (a.k.a Starbucks from BSG.) plays a single mom and another one of the movies many object lessons.

Ray pulls the how do I know the baby's mine card and skips out. And promptly starts screwing other women. Ray then has the audacity to get mad when she doesn't invite his relatives to his baby shower. He offers her a car seat and a stroller, such a prince. Tina catches him making out with a girl in the mall and confronts him. She warns the girl that he will knock her up too.

There's a useless grandmother character who shows up and lectures everybody. And for some reason her theme song is some banjo/accordion monstrosity. There was no reason for this character at all.

Tina must live in the town without pity because nobody shows up for her baby shower. The younger sister decides to move back in and help her sister out. Tina's parents begin to fall in love all over again. If I can't hate Tina more, she refers to one of her classmates' baby as fat with ugly hair. Seriously?

Tina and her teen mom get into an argument over who's the worst teen mom ever. Tina has a hissy fit when her sister fractures her ankle and takes over the couch that Tina was sitting on. They tell this poor injured girl to move so her whiny sister can be happy. Hey, it is possible to hate this character more. The sisters do attempt to bond but it doesn't go well.

The younger sister grows tired of being in her sister's shadow and goes off to live with useless grandmother. As soon as sister leaves dad moves back in. Way to make the younger sister feel even more unloved.

Tina goes into labor with her mom, dad, other teen mom, and other teen mom's mom in attendance. Don't hospitals have rules about immediate families only. Ray shows up for the birth with his girlfriend (classy) and is told to get out by Tina's father. She gives birth to a boy.

Useless grandmother and unloved sister show up to see the kid. Everything oohs and aahs in slow motion as Tina chirps about how hard it's going to be being a teen mother. Lifetime, you owe me.