Have The Critics Stopped Screaming, Craven?

   I'll admit it, I was excited when I saw the trailer for Scream 4. I have seen all my favorite horror films rebooted and unimagined, it's getting old. Having the original director and original actors of Scream reuniting was like a breath of fresh air.

   The film takes place 15 years after the events of Scream 1. Sydney is now survival girl pimping her latest book, when the murders start she becomes something she's never been before, a suspect. Dewey who is now a sheriff forces her to stay in Woodsboro until things clear up. Dewey and Gail are married which is kind of depressing when you remember that David Arquette and Courtney Cox are separated. Gail is bored with her small town life and suffering a case of writer's block.

    Sydney becomes concerned when her niece becomes a target of the new and improved Ghostface. Yes, I said niece. Sydney gets some random family members shoehorned into a script, Maureen apparently had a sister. A sister that is strangely absent from the series considering Maureen and her death was a cornerstone of the original trilogy.

     A major disappointment was the bevvy of known actresses who graced the trailer, Lucy Hale, Shanae Grimes, Anna Paquin, and Kristen Bell are only in the false openings of the films. Yes openings as in plural, one false start is cute but two that's just pushing it.

    As with the other Scream films, people die, the teenagers are precocious and obnoxiously genre savvy, and a killer is revealed. I won't spoil the film with the revelation of the killer I will only say that is was tacked on and dull.

    Logically, Sydney should have been the killer. Come on, for fifteen years, this character watched everyone near and dear to her slaughtered mercilessly. She had to kill her own brother and boyfriend. Death seemingly follows her wherever she goes, she's like a younger bustier Jessica Fletcher in that aspect. It certainly would of been a far more interesting ending.

   Scream 4 isn't bad, it's just not too original and pushes too hard to be trendy and "with it." It's a nice way to spend a couple of hours but don't expect the wit and suspense that made Scream 1 such a hit.

Mary Ingalls Sees Dead People

    The true tragedy of Happy Birthday To Me is that it could have been a great movie. It had a good set-up, interesting plot, and a fantastic ending. To bad everything in the middle couldn't uphold those standards.

    Our favorite prairie diva Melissa Sue Anderson, plays Virginia. Virginia is a shy, quiet, girl who is a part of an elite group of teens called the "Top Ten". Unfortunately for Virginia, she suffers memory loss due to a tragic car accident four years prior.

    Soon, her friends begin falling prey to a mysterious albeit, creative murderer. Virginia begins to suffer blackouts and fears that she may be responsible for the possible murders of her friends. Is she the killer or is someone going to great lengths to frame her.

   Happy Birthday To Me is probably one of the better slasher films of it's era, but it had the potential of being a classic. To start off with there is no character development, it's hard to tell them apart let care about them.

  Like Sleepaway Camp, the majority of the characters are massively unpleasant. One of Virginia's "friends" even breaks into her house in order to steal her underwear. Don't worry, he's not a pervert, stolen panties apparently bring good luck in motorcycle races. The storyline gets convoluted and there are one too many red herrings for my taste.

   Melissa Sue does well as Virginia, she expresses a great level of vulnerability and is enjoyable to watch. However, the film focuses too much on her neuroses and not enough on the plot. At one point, you wish she'd just spank her inner child and get on with it.

   As I said before, the gem of this movie is the ending. It could've have come off as rushed and tacked on but the phenomenal acting makes up for it. It has a great downer ending that is pretty realistic to the plot. This film is a must see for any slasher fan if you have the patience to sit through the boring parts.

Retro Flashback: Bio-Dome

   After I saw Son-In-Law, I thought, "Good movie, maybe Pauly Shore's not that bad of an actor."  After seeing his other films I amended that sentence. His other movies are truly bad but Bio-Dome is a disaster of epic proportions.

   The film stars Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin as well, themselves, a couple of slacker stoners sharing a brain cell. Their girlfriends (yes, they get love interests and poor Joey Lauren Adams is one of them) are fed up with their lack of ambition and trick them into following them into the desert.

   On their return home, they come across the Bio-Dome and promptly mistake it for a mall. Great security that government sponsored megadome has. They find themselves locked in with a group of scientists for a year. For some odd reason, merely letting them out would destroy the whole project and mercifully end the film.

    At first, they are upset until their "selfless act" impresses their girlfriends and makes them popular. They basically waste an hour of the film doing stupid things and annoying the scientists. Kylie Minogue plays a scientist, yes, the goddess of pop, reduced herself to this treacle.

   The head scientist played by William Atherton (how did this movie garner such a top-notch cast, was blackmail involved? Bribes?) gets fed up with them and ditches them in the Bio-Dome's desert area. The bumbling oafs find a key in one of the walls and escape. Of course, fear of losing everyone's respect leads them to not only return to the dome but decide to throw an eco-friendly rager.

  They, of course, destroy the Bio-Dome  but using their single brain cell and the litter left behind from the party, they salvage the project and become heroes. The head scientist snaps and attempts to blow up the Bio-Dome. Even though he's the "villain", it's hard not to root for the guy trying to kill Pauly Shore and the Diet Coke of the Baldwin brothers. Just one calorie, not Baldwin enough.

   But the Bio-dome survives, nobody learns anything, and I die a little inside. Even a cameo by Tenacious D couldn't improve this film.

Getting To Happy: A Terry McMillan Novel

 
    I am a bad constant reader. Somehow I managed to miss the release of the new Terry McMillan novel. Not only that but the missed novel was a sequel to my favorite book Waiting to Exhale. 

  A lot of readers complained about this book, they describe it like a literary snuff film, depressing being the main words. Yes, there are dark moments but there are also light ones as well. McMillan has always had the gift of maintaining a balance between the two.
                                                           
  The books picks up fifteen years after Waiting and things have definitely changed for four main characters. Bernadette is a bitter divorce', Gloria is a recent widow, Savannah is trapped in a boring marriage, and Robin is still searching for Mr. Right in the Internet age.

  A lot of reviewers complained about the changes in this novel. They didn't want to see their favorite characters die or end up with a less than happy ending. But, that's the point of a sequel, if you don't want the story to change, then don't read it.  

  Getting to Happy provides a wonderful blend of new and old characters, a realistic evolution to the previous installment and avoids the tacked on happy ending that plague so many novels.

  What really impressed me about the novels was the author's approach to the character of John, Bernie's unfaithful hubby. John evolves from the "bad guy" to a likable, if flawed character without whitewashing (no pun intended) his past behavior. Robin's "lying sneaking whorish Pisces" boyfriend Russell receives a similar treatment, also without ignoring the past. Robin's storyline is my particular favorite as she finally gets the happily ever after that she so truly deserved.

  The only storyline that didn't ring true was Gloria's daughter-in-law, Nickida. I understand that the book needed an antagonist but all her scrapes and troubles came off as Soap Operish and one dimensional. It could have trimmed down considerably.

   Overall, if you enjoyed Waiting to Exhale or McMillan's work in general, then you'll enjoy this one. As long as you're an adventurous reader unafraid of change, that is.

Sweet Valley University: Don't Answer The Phone

   There's good news and bad news. The good news is that I found a rare Sweet Valley book that is 97% Wakefield free. The bad news is that's all about Enid, baby.

    Alexandra (Don't Call Me Enid) Rollins is finally in a good place. She's popular, in love, and free from the shadow of St. Elizabeth. But she constantly fears that Enid will rear her ugly head and destroy everything she's worked for.

    Alexandra works a teen help line where she begins to receive threatening calls by a guy named Travis. Travis is in love with Enid and determined to "kill" Alexandra in order to protect her. Things get worse when he brutally murders another sorority girl who he mistakes for Jessica. Whoever authored this book is a sick puppy, after he murders the girl he rips earrings out of her ears and sends the flesh covered Valentine to Enid.

   Anyone who wants to murder a Wakefield twin, the line forms to the left. Yes, Jessica appears in this novel. The killer blames her and Lila for corrupting Enid. Jessica only appears in a couple of paragraphs. St. Elizabeth is only referenced in two sentences but never actually appears.

Alexandra is also having trouble with her boyfriend, Noah. She believes that he is in love with Enid not her. If this was a better book, Enidzandra would have a split personality or being impersonated by an evil lookalike but no, she just has an angsty, emo, personality conflict.

    So who is Enidzandra's bloody Valentine? Is it Noah, her increasingly paranoid boyfriend? Fred, the a-hole leader of the teen hotline? Luke, the sensitive art student whom Alexandra is attracted to?

   The answer is Luke who like Enidzandra is suffering from a personality crisis. TravLuke kidnaps Alex with the intention of freeing Enid from her via a knife. Noah attempts to save her but gets kidnapped at well. Enid gets the upper hand and defeats TravLuke.

     Noah and Enidzandra make up when he proves that he loves Alex not Enid. Um, ghostwriter, they are the same damn person. And he never even met her during her nerdy, mousy, years as Enid. Why would that even be a plot point?

     The book abruptly ends on that note, no explanation for TravLuke. No real resolution for Enidzandra and her personality troubles. No calling the cops since there is a dead body they have to account for. Just a pathetic kiss as the two walked off into the sunset.



   

  

Sarah T. - Portrait Of A Teenage Alcoholic

   Sarah T. Portrait of a Teen-Age Alcoholic is essentially a retelling of Go Ask Alice, only with booze. Our favorite possessed moppet Linda Blair plays Sarah who has just moved to a new town. She is insecure about everything until she makes a new friend,vodka.

   Sarah is set up on a pity date with Ken (a pre Star Wars Mark Hamill) who takes her to a party. Sarah is a wallflower until she gets drunk and "charms" the party goers with a off key version of Carole King's It's Too Late. What is it with 70s drug/drinking propaganda films ruining classic songs. Don't get me started on Go Ask Alice and their audio murder of Jefferson Airplane.



    Unfortunately, Ken has to take a wasted Sarah home and even endures the wrath of her parents. He still falls for her and the two begin dating. Despite this, Sarah continues to drink even letting the maid get fired rather than admit she's stealing booze.

   Ken wants her to stop so she attempts to. She attends an AA meeting but decides that she isn't an alcoholic and doesn't need help. This from the girl who spiked her AA punch with vodka. The movies even trots out an adorable 11 year old alcoholic to really drive the point home.

   Sarah is stuck babysitting and invites Ken over. She realizes that Ken has been seeing other girls, the two fight and he storms off. Bye bye, sobriety, Sarah celebrates with a bottle of elderberry wine. She ends up passing out and getting caught by the child's parents.

                                                          Screw you, Mark Hamill

   Sarah's mom and step dad finally take an interest in their wayward child and punish her. Sarah wants to live her real father whom she idolizes. Of course, Daddy Dearest is a slacker with a drinking problem of his own. Sarah is devastated when he refuses to take her in.

                                             Yes that is Larry Hagman and his Chia beard.

   Sarah goes on a drinking spree, it's even implied that she trades sexual favors for a bottle of vodka. She hides out in Ken's barn and steals his horse. She promptly rides the horse onto the freeway and gets hit by a car. Sarah survives but the horse has to be put down. And Ken most likely won't be taking Sarah to prom.

    Sarah is not arrested nor is she even put in rehab. But she realizes that she is an alcoholic and walks off into the sunset with her fellow AA members. The moral of this movie: Don't drink and ride bareback. God, I need a drink.

Jennifer, The Snake Goddess

   Jennifer a.k.a Jennifer the Snake Goddess was my holy grail of movies. I learned of this film's existence in one of Leonard Maltin's movie guides and was instantly intrigued. The movie and I shared a name and was also released the same year I was born.

    But the film remained elusive to me for many years, until one happy day I stumbled across a copy. A lot of people refer to this as a rip off of Carrie which was released two years prior. I don't see it, while it shares a similar plot it is a far superior movie.

    To start with the main character is more admirable than Carrie. She is no wilting violet languishing in a corner, she is a stronger and more intense heroine. Jennifer is played by Lisa Pelikan who deserved a better career than Ghoulies and Return to Blue Lagoon.

    Jennifer is a poor rural farm girl with a scholarship to an elite private school. Of course, that automatically makes her the school whipping boy. Her main nemesis is Sandra, an untouchable politician's daughter who is far more psychotic than any bully Carrie had to offer. Unfortunately for the mean girls, Jennifer has a special power that she has been trying to suppress for years.

    Carrie was an okay film with some iconic scenes and great cinematography  but was also marred by some horrid soundtrack choices and rampant over acting. Jennifer, however took itself seriously, there's no gore, no cheap scares tacked on at the end. This movie's horror was more subtle than scary. There's actual character and plot development. No blood or unnecessary nudity. A pleasure to watch.

     The movie was not 100% perfect, the film loses points during the big climax. This is the only point in the film where I agree with the rip off theory. Jennifer's psychotic death by jazz hands routine was painful to watch. And the snakes were bottom barrel special effects, and I don't mean by today's standards either. Come on this was the era of Star Wars and Jaws, they could have been slightly better.

    But all in all, Jennifer is well done horror film and twice as good as Carrie. I'd recommend it to any '70s horror movie enthusiast.