Jennifer's Body

So I finally broke down and rented Jennifer's Body and it wasn't as terrible as I expected. For the most part, the movie delivered what it promised cheesy horror, comedy and the obligatory T&A.

I liked most of the cast Kyle Gallner is always a pleasure to watch and I adore Amanda Seyfried. Adam Brody was hysterical and I almost wished he could have had a bigger role in the film. The problem is naturally Megan Fox, she's pretty but simply cannot emote on the silver screen. Her portrayal of Jennifer was just boring, the lights are on but nobody's home I can only imagine how much better the film would have been had they cast someone else.

The things that really bothered me about the film was the slang. It seemed almost forced like Diablo Cody is desperate to invent a new language. It reminds me of that line from Mean Girls "Stop trying to make Fetch happen, it will never happen." Slang in a film is fine as long as it is someone natural. Movies like Clueless and Wayne's World managed to achieve that without sinking the film.

The soundtrack was awesome. I love Little Boots and Florence and The Machine and their music did make the film more enjoyable to watch. Even Hole contributes Violet for the soundtrack. Thank goodness they didn't use the actual song, Jennifer's Body. It wouldn't have fit in with the film and would have just been cheesy.


Don't get me wrong, despite the concerns I have listed above, Jennifer's Body is still a fun film. There's some great kill scenes for the horror fan, good one liners for the comedy fans, and a little smut thrown in for fun.

Eye Of The Storm

By this point in the story, Rain has returned home from London after her grandmother's death. In typical V.C. Andrews fashion, she lives in the lap of luxury but is so utterly alone. Her only companion is a horse with no name and it felt good to be out of the rain. Actually the horse's name is also Rain, a gift from her chauffeur and only friend, Jake.

Chapter One is titled Jake's Secret. The secret being that he and Grandmother Hudson were lovers and that Aunt Victoria is his child. Great a confession from one boring character involving an even more boring character. Why bother in the first place?

Corbette, Rain's love interest from the first novel pays her a visit. He apologizes for seducing, then dumping her and wants a second chance. Rain soon realizes that he's only there because she is rich. In a funny scene, she convinces him that she is poor and is working as a maid in the mansion. He disappears as quickly as he came.

Her mother, stepfather, and Aunt Victoria confront Rain. They waste an entire chapter trying to convince Rain to take a settlement and forfeit her inheritance. Or face a lengthy court battle. Later, Rain receives a call from Roy who is in jail for going AWOL to visit Rain. After a life changing horseback ride, she decides to fight Victoria

She later has a quiet dinner with her half-brother Brody. Even though he's her brother and she knows he wants her, she makes a point of putting on some lipstick. Brody gets increasingly drunk and refuses to leave. Rain calls her mother in an attempt to get him to go.

Later, a drunk Brody tries to force himself on her. Rather than tell him the truth and get it over with, Rain stupidly continues to keep her mother's secret. A hurt Brody drives off into the night. Brody dies in a car accident. Rain collapses in a fetal position in the bathroom and is of course rescued by Jake.

Aunt Victoria forces Rain to go to the funeral but not as a part of the family. Her devastated mother tells her that she is evil. Anybody who reads this boring book would be inclined to agree. Rain's biological father writes her a moving letter telling her that he wants her in his life. Do they not have phones in this stinking book?

Since the author felt that Rain hasn't suffered enough, he throws in a horse riding accident and paralyzes her. Why couldn't the horse have just finished her off and freed me from this awful book? Luckily she gets a visit from a heroic paraplegic doctor who tells her that she can still live a full and productive life. She could invent a new wheelchair rugby game called don't feel sorry for us ball.

Victoria takes over and gives her a typical Nurse Ratchett to boss her around. Rain is so very sad and afraid. Here's where a normal character decides to take charge of her life and make some changes. Rain however will cry and feel sorry for herself like she does in every book so far.

Fate comes in the form of Austin, the studly physical therapist who Rain instantly likes. There is more of the same old same old. Victoria is mean, Jake is supportive, Rain cries, and her father continues to support the U.S. postal service with his sappy letters. Oh, and Mommie Dearest tries to overdose on pills. Rain learns Roy tried to go AWOL again to see her. Roy is a moron but so is most everyone in this book.

Austin starts a special kind therapy with Rain involving his penis. I'm surprised she didn't instantly walk again after their night of passion. Jake dies, Victoria's mean, Austin's supportive and Rain cries some more. Rain finally tells Victoria who her father really was. Victoria threatens to make her life even more of a living Hell than it already was.

Victoria manages to get Austin fired and moves on in. She takes a cue from Tony Tatterton and makes Rain a prisoner in her own mansion. Austin assures her that he will rescue her. As they are hooking up, Aunt Victoria busts in and accuses Austin of rape. She throws him out and insists that Rain sign a power of attorney form.

Rain tries to escape but finds her wheelchair ramp is missing. She attempts to crawl away but is found by Victoria. She is forced to have dinner with Victoria who has descended further into madness. She has put on make up and according to Rain it's caked on, clownish, and artificial. I imagine Victoria to look something like this.
Rain attempts to sneak into Grandmother Hudson's room in order to find a phone. Instead she finds a mannequin in a wig that Victoria believes to be her mother. She realizes that she is pregnant and begs Victoria to let her out. Austin shows up to see Rain but is told that she moved to London.

Victoria decides to give Rain a bath and finally Rain gets the nerve to fight back. In the struggle Victoria is killed. Austin arrives on his white horse and whisks Rain off to the hospital. Everything is wonderful, Rain's mother forgives her. Austin is over the moon about the pregnancy and she marries in a fairytale wedding.

Rain has a girl named Summer. Roy is released from jail and moves in with Rain and Austin. I get the vision of Roy peeking at Rain through a hole in the shower every chance he gets. During the book, he wistfully claims that Summer could've been their baby. This is not a stable man.

And they all lived happily ever after. Never mind there's one more book in this series. Bring on the pain.

Bad Roommate Saga Part 1

Lately I have discovered a site called My Very Worst Roommate. It is an awesome site full of jaw dropping stories of bad roommate behavior. This got me reminiscing about my extensive history with bad roommates.


In the beginning there was "Trey." I was living in Seattle in a one room apartment. My job cut my hours and there were few job openings at the time. Trey needed a place to stay and we got along well. I got the bed, he slept on a futon on the floor.

At first Trey was awesome, the platonic boyfriend I'd always dreamed of. He was hardworking, cleaned up after himself, and was very considerate of the ground rules I set for him. But soon, Trey found himself a very non-platonic girlfriend.

His girlfriend was helpless. She relied on Trey to take care of everything in her life and Trey was more than happy to be her savior. Trey began calling in sick to work in order to spend the day with her. He would call me out of the blue and demand that I leave the room at once so they could fool around. After a long night of work, I came home to find them cuddled up in my bed fast asleep. When I woke them, they acted like nothing was wrong with that scenario.

The final straw came a couple of weeks later when I came home to find the room littered with boxes. I assumed that Trey was moving out since his girlfriend was moving out of her parents' house and into her own place. Then I realized that the stuff wasn't Trey's, it was his girlfriend's. Her place had fallen through and Trey moved her in lock, stock, and barrel without even telling me. My name was only one on the rental agreement.

I left a very angry message on his voice mail and he called back to tell me he was moving out over the weekend. He was angry at me because I was so "selfish" and "unsympathetic to his girlfriend's needs". What did he expect me to do? Move out but continue to pay the rent? Buy them a new place to live? Neither of them had a lot of money and there was no way I was going to take care of them. And if I knew that if I let her stay there, she would never leave.

After he moved out, I would on occasion get drunken calls from him. He would swear that he left various expensive items behind when he moved. He would tell me that if I couldn't return those items, then I'd better pay for them. Oh, I heard through the grapevine that his girlfriend dumped him when he lost his job.

The Girls In The Back Of The Cast

I was watching 90210 last week when the character of Lila was introduced. The actress seemed familiar so I googled her. Instead of immediately getting the actresses name, I instead came across this casting call notice for the character.


"Lila: A student at West Beverly who is both stylish and sarcastic, Lila is “chubby” and “heavier than our girls on the show.” Recurring potential."


Charming isn't it, but it got me thinking of teen dramas and their perception of the overweight, bespectacled, and non-conformist. Let's start with the "big girls", the big girls are usually no more than a size 10 or 12 at best. Despite the fact that they hang with the core cast, they are never really a part of it. On the off chance that a big girl is paired up romantically, it's usually with another outcast character.



For example, Delia from My So Called Life. Sure she hung out with Angela, Brian, and Ricky but only in a peripheral sense. There was no threat of her hooking up with Jordan Catalano. Instead she was pawned off on nerdy Brian and then rebounded onto a gay guy who sees her as a chance to "go straight."


Another example is Terri from Degrassi: The Next Generation. She hung out with the core cast but like Delia, she was still peripheral. Her only real relationship on the show was with Rick, a "nerdy" character who quickly became abusive. Her only major story lines concerned her obsessing over her weight and becoming a plus size model. Despite being an original cast member, the character was written off with little fanfare and rarely mentioned again.




And of course who could forget the girls with glasses. They are always portrayed as rampant overachievers with little to no social skills. Like the big girls, they hang out with the core cast but are never truly fit in. If the show progresses past high school, these same characters will forgo their dreams of Ivy League Schools to attend the convenient community college that everyone else goes to. These characters never hook up with the shows stud and usually wind up with other outcasts. More insultingly characters like 90210's Andrea and Degrassi's Liberty lose the glasses and suddenly become more popular and likable.



And then there are the true outcasts, the Goths/Wiccans. Their purpose on the show is to be the antagonist to the prettier, popular characters. They are so totally non-conformist and are so above the high school/college drama. For a time, either the characters are quickly written off (Glenda, One Tree Hill) or suddenly give up their Goth ways and happily conform (Ellie from Degrassi.) The most insulting change was Meghan from Felicity. She started out a wonderfully dark and awesome character. However, by the end of the series she happily conformed and thus became boring.




This is Amber Wallace who played gothy Glenda on One Tree Hill. She's the "lucky" actress picked to play the "chubby" Lila on 90210.

Celine: The Movie

At the height of Selena's career, she was shot by someone she trusted. Naomi Judd struggled with poverty while raising her daughters. Tina Turner survived years of abuse at the hands of her husband. These are people we'd go to see movies about.

Celine: The Movie is not one of those films. Usually an unauthorized biography is sleazy or it dredges up facts that the celebrity normally glosses over. This film sadly has none of these qualities. What we get is a boring fluff piece that never really gets off the ground.

The film follows Celine from her ugly duckling childhood to her swan song on the Titanic. We pretty much cover familiar ground, Celine's family was poor, she had a lot of siblings, she married her 26 years older manager. You could get this same stuff from a Wikipedia page in half the time it takes to sit through this film.

The scenes between preteen Celine and her manager comes off as unintentionally creepy. I don't know if it was bad acting or just having the knowledge that in a few short years they will be man and wife.

The casting is awful not a single one of the actresses who played Celine looked a thing like her. Take a gander at the one who portrays Celine as a grown-up. She looks like a cross between Jennifer Grey and Annie Potts.

FYI: Just because the two have curly hair does not mean that they look alike




As I previously said the film ends in 1998, when she records the iconic Titanic theme song. The film was made in 2008. They missed a part of Celine's life that would have made the movie interesting. Her husband gets diagnosed with cancer and Celine puts her career on hold to take care of them. How about having a son after years of trying? And her triumphant return after her husband gets better. If I were to have made this film that is what I would've focused on.

This film is really only entertaining if you are a die hard Celine Dion fan. And if you are the many anachronisms might very well drive you crazy, so consider yourself warned.

Lightning Strikes: A V.C. Andrews Novel

So Rain, the great and terrible, is on her way to England to pursue her dreams of acting. And the blatant stereotyping did not stop with Rain, now it's Britain's turn to be stereotyped.

Rain arrives in England and will be staying with Grandmother Hudson's sister, Leonora. Rain is picked up at the airport by a chauffeur named Boggs. Leanora is the typical British stereotype, posh, snooty, and bathed in waves of perfume. Admidst her British slang for Dummies dialogue, she makes sure to point out that her Great Grandfather owned slaves.

The ghostwriter uses nearly three pages simply describing the mansion where Rain is staying (and apparently working as maid.) That's how dull this book is, three pages wasted on descriptions alone. The staff is also introduced, Leo the butler with a limp, Mary Margaret, the nervous maid, and Miss Chester, the stereotypical British chef.

"Ain't no tellin' what'll be spuin' out of 'er gob." This only a mere sampling of the "British" dialogue in this crap fest. For this the ghostwriter must be taken to the town square and pelted with English muffins. Rain bitches about the room some, no heater, no alarm clock, and no hot water, oh noes. You'd think a character who spent most of her formative years living in the ghetto wouldn't be so picky.

Finally, Rain actually heads off to acting school. Forgetting that the English drive on the opposite side of the road, she almost gets hit by a car. Unfortunately they missed. It rains, she gets lost, meets a pair of ditsy French sisters, Catherine and Leslie. Does this character ever stop bitching?

Rain begins to get the feel of the place, but noticed some spooky going ons at the mansion. She also meets Randall an honest to goodness Canadian, whom she feels attracted to. And if anyone was worried, yes, she gets her alarm clock and hot water.

Rain goes out with Randall and we are subjected to a five page description of London. Kensington Gardens, Hyde Park, Buckingham Palace, etc etc etc. Is this a book or a travel brochure?

Great Aunt Leona's husband, Richard, unexpectedly gifts Rain with play tickets for Macbeth. She asks Mary Margaret to join her but she refuses to go and runs out. She then settles on Randall who proposes a day of sightseeing before they attend the play. Sightseeing apparently consists of showering in his room and almost having sex.

The next day, Rain waits on a sickly Leona, who tells her about their daughter, Heather. Heather was very loved by Richard who was devastated by her sudden death. Rain excels at acting school winning the role of Ophelia. Aunt Victoria causes some trouble by trying to paint Rain as a thief who stole from Grandmother Hudson. Rain is offended by the accusation and threatens to leave, but Richard believes her and asks her to stay.

Rain eventually has unprotected sex with Randall and trusts him enough to tell him her whole sad story. Randall comes up with the idea of reuniting Rain with her biological father who by coincidence just happens to live in London.

More spooky things go on at the mansion. Rain discovers a mysterious little cottage on the property. Way to rip off the Casteel series there, ghostwriter, is there a shrubbery maze as well? Randall locates Rain's father and they spy on him and his family until Rain freaks out and wants to leave.

Rain receives a letter from Roy who is still hot for her bod. Rain investigates the little cottage and see Richard reading a children's book to the maid, Mary Margaret. Mary Margaret is dressed like a small child, and behaving like on as well. Creepily enough, he refers to her as Heather. Rain is furious to learn that Randall told Catherine and Leslie about her attempts to locate her father.

Rain finally gets the gumption to contact her father who had noticed her skulking about the neighborhood. She tells him who she is and he invites her to his house for tea. However he doesn't want to tell his new family who she really is.

Rain writes her Grandmother and fills her in on what's happening. She then learns that Mary-Margaret is sick. Forced to serve dinner by herself, she mouths off to one of Richard's guests. This earns her a lecture in his office. He creeps Rain out when he tells her that he wants to be more of a father to her than an employer.

Rain decides to surprise Randall in his bedroom only to find him in bed with Leslie. Even though she was the one that blew him off, she feels betrayed. Despite the big betrayal, she still has the time to snoop in Leona's room only to find out that she and Richard have separate rooms.

She does wind up having a good time at her father's tea but is saddened that he doesn't tell his wife and kids who she is. Bitch, bitch, bitch, moan moan moan. Grandmother Hudson contacts Rain and tells her it's a mistake to try to be a part of her father's life.

Richard takes Rain to the cottage where he makes her put on ill-fitting clothes. They drink wine, recite plays, and he kisses her on the neck. As she leaves, Boggs threatens her to keep her silence. What Rain should have done is kneed him in the crotch, packed her things and hightail it back to the States. Plenty of acting schools there I'm sure.

Randall tries to win back Rain but to no avail. Mary Margaret faints and Rain learns the she is fo shizz up the spout. I'm not just quoting Diablo Cody, the phrase up the spout actually appears in this scene.

She visits Mary-Margaret and tries to get her to admit that Richard is her baby daddy. Boggs shows up and Rain learns that he is Mary Margaret's pimp er umm father. Roy visits from Germany and the two quickly jump on the good foot and do the bad thing. Roy is contented but Rain realizes she made a mistake.

Grandmother Hudson passes away and Victoria reveals the truth of Rain's parentage to Richard and Leona. When she refuses to continue to deny her parentage, Rain is kicked out of the mansion. Roy proposes to Rain but she turns him down. Wait, a V.C. Andrews heroine who doesn't wind up with the guy she thought was her brother? Will wonders never cease?

She writes a letter to her father and says her goodbyes to Roy, Randall, and Miss Chester. She returns home and her mother informs her that she has told her husband the truth but not her children. Grandmother Hudson leaves Rain a ton of money much to Victoria's displeasure.

Rain decides to postpone school for a semester and I finally get to say my goodbyes to this monstrosity of a novel. Two down, two to go. Next up, Eye Of The Storm.

VC Andrews Rain

According to the Complete V.C. Andrews Library, Rain was originally supposed to be titled Shadow. So already this book wasn't off to a good start.

Rain starts out as a typical V.C. Andrews book always does. Abusive alcoholic father, brother who is in love with main character, jealous sister and kind loving mother who we all know is doomed. But untypically the main character is (brace yourself) African American, well kind of.

Even though this is the first V.C. Andrews novel to feature an African American character it also seems to be apologizing for it as well. The ghostwriter falls all over himself trying to make Rain as white as possible. Rain doesn't hang out with gang bangers, she's a good student, she hates rap. This makes her completely different from all the other stereotypical black characters in the novel.

Rain's sister Beni is Riley to Rain's Huey. She's jealous of her perfect sister and is determined to get in as much trouble as possible. She hangs out with a group of gang bangers led by Carlton (not Banks) who wants to get with Rain. Of course Rain is too good for him (and everyone else is their neighborhood.)

One night, Rain's "father" reveals the truth, Rain is a biracial girl that they had adopted in exchange for money. Rain is devastated by the news, Beni is even more jealous and Roy, he's just happy that the girl he's attracted to isn't a blood relative. Seriously even if you weren't related, you did still spend the majority of your life believing you were. You can't just turn that off like a switch.

Beni promptly tells everyone the news, and her bitchy friends and Carlton take every opportunity to put her in her place. One night, Beni sneaks off to a party and comes back drugged and disheveled. Her "friends" allowed Carlton and his friends to photograph her naked. They'll give the photos back for a price.

Rather than cops or tell their mom or anything logical, Rain pawns a valuable bracelet and the girls meet their blackmailers at an abandoned warehouse. However things don't go as planned, Beni is killed and Rain of course is too blame. At one point Beni's fair weather friends attempt to set Rain on fire. They aren't successful and I am forced to continue reading this monstrosity.

Realizing that Rain is no longer safe, Rain's adoptive mother demands that her bio mother take care of her. Of course, not so Mommy Dearest doesn't want to disrupt her life with an illegitimate child so she pawns her off on her Grandmother. Roy is shipped off to the army and her mother goes off to stay with family.

In typical V.C. Andrews fashion, Rain is plucked from her loving but poor home and dropped into a lavish but unloving mansion. Rain suddenly remembers that she's a talented actress and of course is sent to an uber fancy school. She catches the eye of Corbette, the school's resident man whore.

Once again we are treated to the rare but irritating rape/seduction scene that the later novels seemed to favor. You know the spiel, the rapist gets the title character drunk, essentially forces himself on her and then the book tries to convince us it was a seduction. To make things even more disgusting, Rain's biological brother, Brody also falls in love with her. Rain can't tell him the truth so she tries her best to discourage him.

Rain's grandmother starts out a little cold towards her but thaws out. Of course, who could really hate Rain? She's practically a superhero to everyone in the book. Also there is a wise janitor, I mean, limo driver who is always there to give Rain advice.

Rain is devastated to learn that her adoptive mother has chick cancer and not much longer to live. She hightails it to her "Mama's" bedside and is reunited with Roy. Roy is being shipped off to Germany and is obviously still hot for Rain's bod.

Since Rain is the most talented person in the world, it only makes sense that she would be accepted into a prestigious art school in London. No doubt, moments after she lands, she will win an Oscar and be elected crowned England's new Queen.

Rain was made into a movie a few years ago, here is my review if you are interested.

Next up, I'll read and review Lightning Strikes. God help me.