True Blood: The Season of the Douche

 
  Season 4 of True Blood premiered last with an blend of awesomeness and ridiculousness. Let's start with Sookie's time in fairy land; hated it. The fairies were one of my favorite parts of the book series and it just came out as cartoonish at best. However, I did have a little giggle at Mr. Bill Lumbergh playing Sookie's grandpa, too bad his part was woefully short.

    True Blood has time skipped one year which I love. Two of my favorite shows, Desperate Housewives and One Tree Hill improved due to time skips, and I hope it does the same for True Blood. 

   Jason is still fantastically boring, I didn't like him in the books either. Equally boring is Sam and his angsty relationship with his brother. Hopefully introducing more shifters might make him a sight more interesting. The boring also accompanies poor V-addicted Andy, crazy Arlene, and sadly, the show's golden couple, Hoyt and Jessica.

   The whole Hoyt and Jessica thing ticked me off. We spent a whole season of Sturm und Drang before the couple got their happy ending. And first thing out the gate, they are at odds again. I know in television, happy couples are boring but would it kill them to give us a couple of happy episodes between the two?

   There were some good aspects to the premiere. I am loving the cool, confident, Tara. This is the Tara we fell in love with in the first season before becoming the perpetual victim we all know and loathe. Thank God, she ditched that hideous afro she sported in the Season 3 finale. Jesus and Lafayette are adorable but I am not feeling the witchcraft storyline. Pam is always awesome but woefully underused, get that girl a storyline, quick.
 
  And finally after seasons of teasing, Team Eric fans seem to be getting what they want. I may be in the minority but I never liked Bill and Sookie together. I never liked Bill, hence the douche remark. Oh yes, good old Bill, is in the mix as the King of Louisiana. Apparently his royal duties consist of playing hide the kielbasa with every available chick in Bon Temps. At least the books were kind enough to ship him off to Peru for awhile. I want Evan Rachel Wood back, she was my favorite.
 
   I did catch next week's episode on HBOGO, don't worry I won't review that until next week. I do have to say I should have waited to catch it on television. The damn thing stalled every ten minutes and the video quality jumped from good to crappy multiple times. Just a warning to those who want to catch it online.

An Ode To My Dead MP3 Player

   

  I own a Dell DJ, well owned one, I should say. It was a ludicrously heavy silver behemoth that had been discontinued three years before I purchased it from eBay. It was bare bones, no video, no color screen, no hope of syncing with iTunes. But I loved it, it was my constant companion.

   But without fanfare, it simply died. To my complete amusement, I realized that I had gone through the 5 stages of a grief.

   Denial: It's not broken, the batteries just dead. I'll charge it overnight, yeah, that'll work. It must be the cord maybe I'll angle it in this direction. It must be my USB port, I'll plug it in my boyfriend's computer, it'll work then.

   Anger: Why did you break down now? I have bills, I won't be able to afford one until next month. Why didn't you die when I got my tax return? Why did you die after I spent that Amazon gift certificate? Why? Why? Why? This sucks!! Why do these things always happen to me?

   Bargaining: Just come on one more time. I'll press the reset button and you'll turn on again. I'll be able to rescue my music. Listen DJ, I don't wanna rip all those CDs again. Please, just one little spark is all I ask.

   Depression: I really got to stop keeping you by my computer. I keep reaching for you and turning you on and nothing. I have no interest in purchasing new music. Exercising in silence is so boring. I can't keep you but I can't throw you away. You sit there silently mocking me.

    Acceptance: Well, the Sony Walkman is kind of swanky. Good price. It'll be nice to have video functions even if I never use them. It might be nice to have something more technologically advanced. The warranty will be a nice change.

     To my fallen musical comrade, you were a good investment. You survived countless falls to the floor, an impromptu puppy attack and an unfortunate trip through the washer and dryer. You managed to survive longer than any mp3 player ever had a right to. Why Dell stopped making you I'll never know. Farewell.

2011 Season In Review (Mild Spoilers)

  As another television season ends I'd share my thoughts on what I liked and hated this year


 The ones to watch...

    One Tree Hill is definitely the little show that could. It has run 8 seasons, half of them under the threat of cancellation. It managed to stay fresh and interesting despite the loss of two of their most popular cast members. It managed to introduce new characters successfully without shoving them down our throats.

    I loved the Stalker Katie storyline, Brooke finally getting her happy ending, and the hit and run mystery. The only episode that really bugged me was the lame ass superhero storyline. Camp is one thing but it completely missed the tone of the show. I appreciate the show for sticking to continuity and not just flat out ignoring past storyline like a lot of shows do.

    Thankfully CW is giving the show another season for a proper send off. My only request more Dan Scott, the show is lacking without him.

 
   Desperate Housewives was phenomenal this season. It was definitely a nod to the first season with the return of Paul, Felicia, and Zack. And revisiting Andrew's hit and run storyline was a great choice. I miss Drea DeMatteo but was excited to see Vanessa Williams take her place. The problem is that Vanessa Williams doesn't do anything, she just stands in a corner firing out sarcastic quips. This woman is an amazing actress and needs to be utilized.

    I liked Paul's storyline, Brian Austin Green's arrival as Bree's newest boy toy, and the resolution of the hit and run storyline. The baby switch storyline was a bust and I am glad they swept it under the rug. Susan is getting borderline ridiculous. I know the writer's want her to be wacky but there's a fine line between funny and annoying. But all in all good season.

  True Blood hits it's pique of awesomeness last season. There was character development, intriguing storylines, and it's usual blend of blood, sex, and humor.

   Bright spots include the hiring of Joe Manganiello as the werewolf Alcide. I love how the character of Tara has been allowed to evolve past a bitter victim and into more of a bad ass.  James Frain was a hoot as Tara's psychotic vampire boyfriend, Russell, I almost wish they'd let him live. As a self professed member of Team Eric, I am thrilled that they are starting to move forward with their storyline. Also of note was exploring Sookie's darker Fae side.

   I was not fond of Jason's storyline but then I have never really liked him. Lafayette was utterly and completely wasted. Sookie being taken away by the fairies at the end was cheesy and Bill's "power struggle" just did not fit his character. Also way too much time was devoted to Hoyt and Jessica's relationship as well as Sam's prodigal family.

   True Blood returns June 26th on HBO. And you can view the new season's trailer here .



    On the fence....

       Glee is like that ex you can't quite give up. I should hate it. They employed Gwyneth Paltrow, my least favorite of all actresses. They couple swap so often that it's just irritating. And I'll be honest I can't stand any of the new characters. John Stamos was cool but underused. We need more upbeat story lines like last season and less angst.

       But every once in awhile, I get sucked back in only to be disappointed.


  
    
 Evicted from my DVR...

        

    The very thing that attracted me to The Secret Life of the American Teenager was it's complete ludicrousness. I found their refusal to take themselves seriously. But sadly the very same ludicrousness is what is driving me away.

   These characters are supposed to be teenagers but are concentrating more on babies and weddings than college or keggers. The show so did not need yet another teen pregnancy and the Ricky/Amy/Ben/Adrian love trapezoid is a snore. The others characters are not picking up the slack either.

   Plus there is a severe lack of Molly Ringwald, the very reason I watched the show in the first place. I just can't watch anymore.

   And there you have it. Questions? Rebuttals? Drop a comment.

The Valley Ain't That Sweet

  I consider myself an open-minded person especially when it comes to reboots. I'll see my favorite horror movies rebooted even though I know I'll hate them. I was probably one of the few people who actually liked the new Melrose Place. And when my childhood favorites grow up, I want to be there for it.

  Sweet Valley Confidential was a good idea but poorly executed. The problem is that our much loved characters have grown up to be well, pricks. Sweet Valley was supposed to be the impossibly pleasant world we grew up reading, with logic and common sense put on the back burner.

   The series picks up ten years after junior year. Elizabeth is a suffering writer living in New York. Jessica is still in California having stolen Todd from her twin. (Yet again.) The twins aren't talking, they are not even Facebook  friends. Steven's gay. And almost everyone who ever left Sweet Valley has decided to move back. Oh and they use the word "fuck" way too often. Swearing is not a grownup trait.

   The characters are bitter, depressing caricatures of their former selves. No one is happy nor does anyone end up truly happy. Everyone is rich, successful, and inexplicably child-free. Jessica is so whitewashed she is boring and Elizabeth's angst gets annoying after five pages. Winston Egbert, the sweetest most popular character of the series is destroyed. It's like the author hated these characters with a burning passion and wasn't about to hide it.

   Let's talk about the author, Miss Francine Pascal. We're aware that she farmed off the series on ghostwriters so it makes sense that she may not know some of the details. And I doubt reading all the books was on her hit list. But they couldn't have hired a fact checker? Minor inconsistencies I can handle the mistakes in SVC are far from minor.

   For instance, Suzanne Devlin allegedly died from a car accident after she mixed alcohol and MS medication. But wait, that didn't happen, she survived the car accident and it turns our her MS was a misdiagnoses. Remember when Cara moved to London and Steven moved on with Billie. No, you don't, because the books completely gloss over that storyline. But the character of A.J. Morgan is just mind-bogglingly wrong.

  A.J. first appeared in the series as a sweet, Southern, redheaded boy who moved to Sweet Valley during junior year. He dated Jessica then quickly faded away after the author broke them up. Suddenly he morphs in a blond, bad boy, surfer boy who was in middle school with the twins. Characters names are even messed up, Lila's father and Mr Collin's son being two of the casualties. Seriously, a fact checker would not have been that expensive, there are major fans out there who would have done it for free.

   The book totally rewrites the twins/Todd love story. Apparently Jessica and Todd never hooked up until college, ignoring countless furtive love affairs from the previous series'. The book wants us to believe that Todd and Jessica were meant to be. They even have three different perspectives of their first meeting to drive the point home. Elizabeth's supposed soul mate is Bruce Patman who's been in love with her forever. Yes, Bruce, the same guy that tried to rape her in a previous novel.

  Finally, Sweet Valley, the chaste world of virginal teenagers incorporates sex in the series. And it isn't pretty. I don't want to think of Elizabeth's taut nipples, or her inexplicable crying during sex. Nor do I want the image of Todd watching porn to ever enter my mind again.

  I wasn't expecting classic literature just a proper, sweet, revisit to a book series that I adored as a kid. Not a melodramatic poorly researched abomination. No, Francine, just no.

Have The Critics Stopped Screaming, Craven?

   I'll admit it, I was excited when I saw the trailer for Scream 4. I have seen all my favorite horror films rebooted and unimagined, it's getting old. Having the original director and original actors of Scream reuniting was like a breath of fresh air.

   The film takes place 15 years after the events of Scream 1. Sydney is now survival girl pimping her latest book, when the murders start she becomes something she's never been before, a suspect. Dewey who is now a sheriff forces her to stay in Woodsboro until things clear up. Dewey and Gail are married which is kind of depressing when you remember that David Arquette and Courtney Cox are separated. Gail is bored with her small town life and suffering a case of writer's block.

    Sydney becomes concerned when her niece becomes a target of the new and improved Ghostface. Yes, I said niece. Sydney gets some random family members shoehorned into a script, Maureen apparently had a sister. A sister that is strangely absent from the series considering Maureen and her death was a cornerstone of the original trilogy.

     A major disappointment was the bevvy of known actresses who graced the trailer, Lucy Hale, Shanae Grimes, Anna Paquin, and Kristen Bell are only in the false openings of the films. Yes openings as in plural, one false start is cute but two that's just pushing it.

    As with the other Scream films, people die, the teenagers are precocious and obnoxiously genre savvy, and a killer is revealed. I won't spoil the film with the revelation of the killer I will only say that is was tacked on and dull.

    Logically, Sydney should have been the killer. Come on, for fifteen years, this character watched everyone near and dear to her slaughtered mercilessly. She had to kill her own brother and boyfriend. Death seemingly follows her wherever she goes, she's like a younger bustier Jessica Fletcher in that aspect. It certainly would of been a far more interesting ending.

   Scream 4 isn't bad, it's just not too original and pushes too hard to be trendy and "with it." It's a nice way to spend a couple of hours but don't expect the wit and suspense that made Scream 1 such a hit.

Mary Ingalls Sees Dead People

    The true tragedy of Happy Birthday To Me is that it could have been a great movie. It had a good set-up, interesting plot, and a fantastic ending. To bad everything in the middle couldn't uphold those standards.

    Our favorite prairie diva Melissa Sue Anderson, plays Virginia. Virginia is a shy, quiet, girl who is a part of an elite group of teens called the "Top Ten". Unfortunately for Virginia, she suffers memory loss due to a tragic car accident four years prior.

    Soon, her friends begin falling prey to a mysterious albeit, creative murderer. Virginia begins to suffer blackouts and fears that she may be responsible for the possible murders of her friends. Is she the killer or is someone going to great lengths to frame her.

   Happy Birthday To Me is probably one of the better slasher films of it's era, but it had the potential of being a classic. To start off with there is no character development, it's hard to tell them apart let care about them.

  Like Sleepaway Camp, the majority of the characters are massively unpleasant. One of Virginia's "friends" even breaks into her house in order to steal her underwear. Don't worry, he's not a pervert, stolen panties apparently bring good luck in motorcycle races. The storyline gets convoluted and there are one too many red herrings for my taste.

   Melissa Sue does well as Virginia, she expresses a great level of vulnerability and is enjoyable to watch. However, the film focuses too much on her neuroses and not enough on the plot. At one point, you wish she'd just spank her inner child and get on with it.

   As I said before, the gem of this movie is the ending. It could've have come off as rushed and tacked on but the phenomenal acting makes up for it. It has a great downer ending that is pretty realistic to the plot. This film is a must see for any slasher fan if you have the patience to sit through the boring parts.

Retro Flashback: Bio-Dome

   After I saw Son-In-Law, I thought, "Good movie, maybe Pauly Shore's not that bad of an actor."  After seeing his other films I amended that sentence. His other movies are truly bad but Bio-Dome is a disaster of epic proportions.

   The film stars Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin as well, themselves, a couple of slacker stoners sharing a brain cell. Their girlfriends (yes, they get love interests and poor Joey Lauren Adams is one of them) are fed up with their lack of ambition and trick them into following them into the desert.

   On their return home, they come across the Bio-Dome and promptly mistake it for a mall. Great security that government sponsored megadome has. They find themselves locked in with a group of scientists for a year. For some odd reason, merely letting them out would destroy the whole project and mercifully end the film.

    At first, they are upset until their "selfless act" impresses their girlfriends and makes them popular. They basically waste an hour of the film doing stupid things and annoying the scientists. Kylie Minogue plays a scientist, yes, the goddess of pop, reduced herself to this treacle.

   The head scientist played by William Atherton (how did this movie garner such a top-notch cast, was blackmail involved? Bribes?) gets fed up with them and ditches them in the Bio-Dome's desert area. The bumbling oafs find a key in one of the walls and escape. Of course, fear of losing everyone's respect leads them to not only return to the dome but decide to throw an eco-friendly rager.

  They, of course, destroy the Bio-Dome  but using their single brain cell and the litter left behind from the party, they salvage the project and become heroes. The head scientist snaps and attempts to blow up the Bio-Dome. Even though he's the "villain", it's hard not to root for the guy trying to kill Pauly Shore and the Diet Coke of the Baldwin brothers. Just one calorie, not Baldwin enough.

   But the Bio-dome survives, nobody learns anything, and I die a little inside. Even a cameo by Tenacious D couldn't improve this film.