Stephen King's 'Bag Of Bones' Part 1

   
 Film adaptions of Stephen King's novels are in a word, a gamble. Sometimes they win and other times they bomb spectacularly. Sadly, Bag of Bones so far seems to be camping in the fail territory.

   The film and novel follow Mike Noonan, an author suffering from writer's block after the untimely death of his wife, Jo. He seeks refuge in their vacation home and soon finds himself being haunted by spirits from beyond. Mike also becomes embroiled in a custody battle between a young mother and her powerful father in law.

   Mike is played by Pierce Brosnan, he is definitely not how I pictured Mike. I am not sure who I would have cast, but Brosnan would not be on that list. Other problems I have with the casting is Melissa George playing the young mother, Maddie.

  Maddie is supposed to a 20 year old girl in over her head. Her youth and innocence are partly what drove the novel. Melissa George is 35 and no amount of suspended disbelief can change that. She comes off more like a jaded soccer mom than an innocent little flower.  Matt Frewer, one of my favorite actors also appears. However so far in the film, he is being woefully underused. Jason Priestley also appears as Mike's agent, Marty.

   The first part of the film is slow and borderline coma-inducing. I understand they are trying to set up the story but it feels more like 2 hours of filler before the good stuff happens. How many times do we have to see Brosnan cry? And the unnecessary montages featuring him jogging and writing are ludicrous. Just as the movie started to get interesting the cable decided to go out for ten minutes. God has a sense of humor.

    My main quibble with this film is how they handled Jo's death. In the book it was a brain embolism, in the movie it was one of the fakest bus crashes I had ever seen. The character was pregnant for Pete's sake, the bus seemed to be a low blow. I know filming a brain embolism would have been hard to do. They could've have easily changed it to a heart attack, a simple clutching of the chest would have been sufficient for the audience.

    Speaking of ridiculous scenes, one scene in particular demonstrated how much better a book is than a film. In the book, there is a moose head who inexplicably gets more screen time than Matt Frewer. His name is Bunter and he wears a little bell. Mike and Jo apparently knocked boots soon after buying Mr. Moose. After that they refer to sex as ringing Bunter's bell.

   Now when a book character silently reminisces on this, it's sweet and tender story. When a movie character blurts it out to an elderly caretaker that he just met, it's creepy and more than a little awkward. And Pierce Brosnan is officially never allowed to utter the word frisky ever again.

  I will be tuning into part 2, because I am a masochist who hates myself. But this movie better step up it's game and become interesting.

The Lovely Bones: The Movie

Warning, mild spoilers for the book.



I was hesitant to watch this film as The Lovely Bones is one of my favorite books. But color me impressed I loved it. It was good, honest, adaption with great special effects.

I am glad Peter Jackson chose relative unknowns for the roles of Susie, Ruth, Lindsay, and Ray. It made the film feel more realistic than it would've been had some teen idol had been cast. I wasn't too impressed with casting Rachel Weisz and Mark Wahlberg as Susie's parents, they acted well they just didn't seem to fit in.

The actress who really stole the movie was Susan Sarandon, as Susie's boozing, fun-loving grandmother. Her role was expanded from what was in the book and simply made the movie. Stanley Tucci did well as Susie's killer, but without the back story provided in the book, he became just another psycho.

Peter Jackson stays mostly true to the book. However, in order to condense it into a movie certain plot points were dropped such as Susie's mother's affair and her friendship with Ray's mother. The characters of Ray and Ruth were diminished as well as Lindsay's relationship with her boyfriend, Samuel. This is kind of a bummer considering the large impact these characters had in the novel.

Even the changes that Peter Jackson did for the story such as Holly's true identity and the expanded character of Susie's grandmother worked for the film. Rarely do changes in the plot do that and it only enhances the charm of the film.

If you liked the book, you'll like the movie. Peter Jackson did a phenomenal job bringing the story to life.

Endless Love

It wasn't until I was 16, that I discovered that Endless Love was more than just a cheesy pop ballad. It was a cheestastic '80s film based on a rather disturbing novel by Scott Spencer. Anyone who is planning on reading this book be warned, some scenes especially the love scenes are rather detailed.

For such a bad film, it boasts a surprising case of stars. Brooke Shields, James Spader, Tom Cruise, Ian Zeiring, and Jami Gertz. It is directed by Franco Zeffrelli who directed 1967's Romeo and Juliet.

The film opens with young lovers Jade and David walking inside a human heart. Well, actually a replica of a human heart inside a museum. We later see them cuddling in the planetarium, Jade asks David what he would do if she died. He'd die too is his answer.

A teacher spots David and tells him to get lost, it turns out David crashed a school field trip in order to be with Jade. That evening, David clad in his father's tuxedo shows up for dinner at Jade's house. While David's socialist parents ignore him, Jade's family welcomes him with open arms.

Jade's parents are your typical laid back '80s parents, they allow the kids to do whatever they want. Some friends of Jade's older brother Keith (Spader) show up unannounced with booze and musical instruments. They are welcomed with open arms.

This is Ian Ziering who would later play Steve Saunders on 90210.

David and Jade are fooling around upstairs and are caught by Keith who is less than happy with his sister. David is touched when Jade refers to him as family. Meanwhile the college kids are lighting up and having a grand old time. Jade's parents jam and smoke weed right along with them.

Things quiet down as Keith's girlfriend sings (what else) Endless Love. David makes eyes at Jade while she sits on her father's lap. Eventually Jade remembers that she's supposed to be dating David and slowly, insufferably slowly, goes to him.

David pretends to leave after the party, but sneaks back in. Meanwhile Jade's mom passes up sex with her drunken husband in order to read Russian literature. (Are there any scenes in this film that have a point?)

Jade slinks on down to David while an even more insipid instrumental version of Endless Love plays. (Twenty minutes into the film and this is third time we've heard this song.) Jade and David proceed to make sweet love down by the fire.....place. Jade's mother actually stands there and watches them go at it. (Ewwww!)

David goes duck hunting with Keith and Jade's father, Hugh. David tries to buddy up with Keith who then delivers on of the best lines in the film "Just because you're f***ing my sister doesn't make you family." Back at the house Hugh catches David naked in Jade's bedroom. Jade is totally nonchalant about it, but David freaks out.

Hugh is also freaking out but Ann, Jade's mother, tells that it's his fault for being so open and permissive. He wants to know how she manages to sleep or study with David around all the time. Jade begins to fall asleep in class.

We rehash the same old scenes, Keith hates David, Jade and David make love, Endless Love plays for the fourth and fifth time. After an extremely awkward love scene, Jade begs David to let her sleep but he can't leave her.

Jade is caught stealing her Hugh's sleeping pills and becomes hysterical, crying about not getting any sleep. Hugh tells David that he doesn't want him seeing Jade for a month. David refuses to go and demands to talk to Jade. Ann convinces him to agree to Hugh's demands.



David overhears Keith say that Jade broke up with him. One of his friends (Tom Cruise) suggests setting a small fire outside their house and then put it out thus becoming a hero. David sits in his room blaring Kiss' I Was Made For Lovin' You and staring at Jade's photo.

To the strains of Blondie's Heart of Glass, David stalks down the street to Jade's house. (Why did this film torture us with Endless Love when it could have been rocking the disco the whole time?) There is a party going on at Jade's house and a devastated David sees her talking to another guy. He tries to call Jade from a pay phone but no one will answer.

Of course the only way to get your girlfriend's parent to accept you is to set a small fire outside their house. The fire of course quickly burns out of control and David is unable to put it out. He manages to wake up everyone and get them out (In the book the whole family was high on LSD when the fire started.) Keith knocks out David and Hugh is forced to carry him from the burning building. Inappropriately during the fire scenes another instrumental version of Endless Love plays.

David is convicted of arson, he is sent to a psychiatric hospital and banned from ever contacting Jade or her family. David is haunted by visions of Jade and sends multiple letters to her, never receiving an answer. He doesn't know that the letters are being confiscated by his doctor.

David begs his parents to get him released and they stupidly agree. He's free but still not allowed to contact Jade or even leave town. Jade and her family have moved to New York and David's dad encourages him to forget her. He then drops the bomb that he is in love with another woman and has left David's mom.

Hugh learns that David has been released and is furious. He threatens to kill David if he ever comes near him and his family. David promptly leaves for New York and tracks down Ann. Ann is less than enthused to see him. She and Hugh have divorced in the two years after the fire.

They go out to dinner and then back to her place. She recounts the time that she saw Jade and David making love. Apparently it was a life changing event for her. She admits that she made love to her husband that night and imagined it was him (Double ewwwww). She comes on to him but he pushes her away. He can't make love to anyone but Jade.

He finds out that Jade is now in Vermont and decides to board a bus later that afternoon. As he walks down the street, he is spotted by Hugh. He chases after him but is struck by a taxi cab. David is too upset to catch the bus and goes back to Ann's apartment. Keith is there and he tells David that Jade hates him. Ann begs them to stop fighting.

Ann offers to arrange a meeting for him and Jade but he refuses. He hands her a stack of letters he never got to mail. He spies Jade getting on the elevator but doesn't go after her. David's parents worry when he doesn't return home.

Jade meets David at a hotel room and you'll never guess in a million years what song starts playing. She admits to reading all the letters and worries that she ruined his life. She begs David to let her go. She tries to leave, he throws her on the bed, and then she admits that she still loves him. Sorry, that is not love that is dysfunction. They indulge in yet another awkward love scene.

The next morning, Keith calls the room and asks them to come down to the lobby. Apparently Hugh's girlfriend thinks she remembers him being at the scene of the accident. David admits the truth to a horrified Jade. The guy burnt down her house, she should know that sanity has nothing to do with her love for her. Keith beats him up and the cops take him away.

The movie ends with Jade visiting David in the mental hospital and the song Endless Love rears it's ugly head one last time.

Next Up: How can Mariah Carey screw up a movie about Mariah Carey. You'll find out in Glitter.

Go Ask Alice

Interestingly enough Alice isn't even important enough to warrant her cover. Instead we get a romance novel cover featuring William Shatner and Andy Griffith.

Go Ask Alice was an alleged true memoir of an anonymous girl's descent into drug use. It was later revealed to be a fraud penned by Beatrice Sparks who is no stranger to fake memoirs. IF you wanna know more about the book there is a great review at Dibbly Fresh.

We meet "Alice" who has just purchased a new diary. She fills us in a little bit about her life. Her dad (William Shatner who is nearly unrecognizable in mutton chops and thick glasses) has accepted a new teaching position and the family has to move to another town. Alice babbles about the usual teenage stuff, wanting to be more secure, have friends, lose weight etc etc etc.

The opening of this film assaults us with a warbly off-key version of Jefferson Airplane's White Rabbit. We also random shots of "bad kids" smoking the reefer. Sadly Alice is too boring and socially awkward to fit in, luckily for her she meets Beth who is as awkward and boring as she is.

Beth eventually goes off to camp for the summer and Alice meets Chris, a popular druggie. She invites Alice to a party where she accidentally takes LSD. Because a bunch of grinning teenagers passing around a tray of sodas saying "Button, Button, who's got the button," isn't a huge hint of what's to come. Alice is a moron.

Alice enjoys her trip but later writes in her diary that it will never happen again. Two minutes later she goes off to do more drugs. Summer is over, Alice is pretty, popular, and high all day. Alice has a new boyfriend, a John Travolta lookalike named Richie who is also a dealer. She also blows off Beth in favor of Chris.

Alice's family has no clue what's going on. In a funny scene, Alice and her friends do coke in the living room. Her parents waltz in with a birthday cake and doesn't notice that anything is wrong. Her father who is supposed to be a college professor can't tell when a group of teenagers are doing drugs. Come on, her preteen brother figured it out before they did. A TA who works for the professor figures it out ten minutes after meeting her, leading me to wonder what drugs are parents on.

After one of Richie's dealer friends get busted, Alice reluctantly peddles drugs to junior high schoolers. Alice's parents find her pill stash but Alice lies her way out of trouble, and then hightails it to Richie's. She catches Richie in bed with Chris's boyfriend and steals some money from him. 200 whole dollars, I doubt even in the '70s that would have lasted long.

Chris and Alice board a bus and promise one another that they will stop using. She then wakes up on a park bench with Chris nowhere to be seen. She has apparently been hanging with a junkie named Doris (McKenzie Phillips, throwing herself into the role.) Alice is stunned to learn that Doris is 14 and a hooker. Before she can run off, Doris hands her her diary and Alice doesn't remember what she has written.

Alice then babbles to her diary about it having only been a months since they ran away. Apparently they have traveled to random cities such as Dallas and Pheonix, not finding jobs but plenty of dope. She tries to read her diary but it upsets her so much that she tears the pages out and cries.

She winds up a teen shelter run by a priest (Andy Griffith). She tries to get him to read her journal but he won't. Instead he convinces her to face up to her problems and go home. Andy Griffith is the most interesting and smartest character in the whole damn film. We are also treated to a crazy flashback where Alice allows Chris to be raped so that she can get more dope.

Alice returns home and goes back to school, but sobriety is no friend of Alice's. Chris is gone and Beth is now popular with a lot of friends. She can't be seen with Alice due to her junkie past. The junkies try to force Alice to use again. In the real world junkies don't care what you do as long as you don't narc. And seriously I think your so-called best friend would be doing everything she can to keep you sober.



Recognize this handsome young actor playing a junkie cashier who taunts Alice? Yes, that is Robert Carradine from Revenge of the Nerds.

Alice is babysitting after another junkie named Jan fails to show up. Jan shows up later high as a kite, Alice is forced to call the cops after Jan gets aggressive. Back at school Jan threatens to plant dope on Alice's father and get Alice's brother hooked on drugs. Alice begins to confide in her father's TA, Joel who asks her out on a date.

Alice is babysitting again and takes a soda out of the fridge which is laced with LSD. (In the book I believe it was chocolate peanuts that were laced.) Apparently someone managed to sneak the soda into the house without anyone noticing. Some baby sitter Alice is.

Alice wakes up in a hospital and everything turns rosy posy. Her parents believe her story, Beth decides to be her friend again and Joel is more in love with her than ever. Such a perfect happy ending.

Until Alice dies of an overdose. She conveniently stopped keeping a diary so nobody knew whether she took them willingly or not. Her mother who narrates this seems unconcerned that her daughter has died. She's too busy lecturing the viewer about the evilness of drugs. The whole movie whittles down to the biggest lesson you will ever learn.

"Drugs are bad.....mmmkay."

This film will only be watchable by people who used to love the movies that you were forced to watch in health class. If you thought the book was over dramatic, you ain't seen nothing' yet.