"Give me chocolate or I will cut you"

Glee. Rocky Horror. Two things that should have gone together like white on rice. How could something so potentially good go so so wrong.

Let's start with the sanitizing of the content. If you are going to pay tribute to a popular adult musical then you better have the cajones to do it right. Glaringly obvious during Emma and Will's rendition of "Toucha Toucha Touch Me"

"I thought there’s no use getting into heavy sweating"

"Then if anything shows while you pose"

  So words like heavy petting and if anything grows is considered to risque for FOX. FOX! The home of such ribald pleasures such as Family Guy and American Dad. Seriously?

  Then there is the serious miscasting. Mercedes steps up to fill the shoes of Frank N Furter and fails miserably. Granted the actress who plays Mercedes has a phenomenal voice, but she is all wrong for the role. John Stamos, Kurt, or even Sue would have been a better choice for the part. Other dishonorable mentions go to Quinn in the role of Magenta. Magenta is supposed to be dark and sultry, not bland and sweet.

    There were some good moments John Stamos got to do a number, Sue was hysterical, and Kurt made an awesome Riff Raff. It even featured a cameo by Rocky alumni Meatloaf and Barry Bostwick  The subplots were so-so dealing with male body image and Will and Emma's angsty romance yet again.

   My belief is that if you are going to pay tribute to an iconic musical, stay true to the material. Don't sanitize, butcher, or modernize it. Treat with the respect it so obviously deserves. Case in point, I present to you the butchering of Time Warp.

Lost Boys 3: The Thirst

  It's time to forget about Lost Boys 2: The Tribe (except for my fab review of course). The Thirst is the true sequel to the 1987 classic.

   The films reunites Lost Boys stars Corey Feldman and  Jamison Newlander as the now grown up Frog brothers. Edgar Frog is a destitute vampire hunter who is approached by a vampire romance writer whose brother has been kidnapped. Yes, the film pokes a bit of fun at Twilight but then again who wouldn't?

  Upon investigation, Edgar learns that a vampire DJ is using vamp's blood in order to create his own vampire army. With the reluctant help of his now vamped out brother, Alan, Edgar prepares to face the head vampire and save the world.

   Lost Boys 2 was okay but it seemed very loosely linked to the original. Lost Boys 3 is all about the original and not just with the actors. They quote the original film and tell you the fates of the characters of Michael, Starr, and Laddie. It's not only a movie but a kind-hearted tribute to fellow Lost Boys actor, Corey Haim who died recently. Numerous flashback scenes of him and the Frog brothers feature in the film. Yes, there is a version of Cry Little Sister in this as well, just not as cool as the original by G Tom Mac.

  This film doesn't have all the charm of the original but it's still fun. It's like Lost Boys with a bit of Blade and James Bond thrown in. It's action-packed and funny and a must see for any fan of the original film. I have seen a lot of '80s films given terrible straight to DVD sequels but The Thirst isn't one of them.

   I'll admit it, when the obligatory, tacked on, hinting at future sequel scene came on, I was excited. Based on how good this film is, I would definitely welcome a Lost Boys 4. And oddly I felt that long dormant teenage crush of Corey Feldman coming back again.

Suck

  Suck is a refreshing addition to the vampire genre. For way too long, vampires have been approached with just too much angst and not enough fun. Remember fun vampire films such as Lost Boys, Once Bitten and My Best Friend Is A Vampire?

  Suck brings back the fun of the vampire genre. It centers around a mediocre rock band who are (pardon the pun) dying to get their big break. Their big break comes in the form of bassist, Jennifer, who gets turned into a vampire. As the band slowly join the ranks of the undead, their career takes off and it looks like nothing can stop them. Except for a rabid vampire hunter (Malcolm McDowell) and the lead singer's choice of whether to make it big or stay alive.

  Suck is funny and intelligent with a lot of wonderful one liners. The music is awesome and the cast is one of the most top notch casts I have seen in a long while. Iggy Pop, Henry Rollins, Moby, Alice Cooper, and Malcolm McDowell, how many other movies can boast that cast. Jennifer is played by Jessica Pare who was wonderful in Lost and Delirious and Matt Foley is hysterical. I was suprised to see Mike Lobel who I loved on Degrassi show up in the film as the band's drummer.

    To future vampire movie creators, take note of this movie. This is the way to go. Insert more humor, more vampire pride if you will. I think fans of the vampire genre have had their fill of whiny pretty boys who do nothing but angst and brood.  It's about time that we, the movie viewers get something that's dark without being depressing, or funny without resorting to repulsive body humor.

   Suck stays original even up to the very end, it doesn't portray vampirism as this awful horrible thing that most vampire films would have done. If you like intelligent comedy and want to go back to the days where vampire movies were actually fun, then Suck is definitely a must rent movie.

What Jessie Spano Did On Her Summer Vacation

  
It's every teen idol's worst nightmare, being stereotyped and forced to play the same tired role for all eternity. All a male actor has to do is take a serious role as a drug dealer or cop and all is forgiven. A female actress unfortunately has to go slutty to get that same respect. Alyssa did it, Drew did it, but Elizabeth Berkeley took it one step forward. After Showgirls, people not only forgot Saved By The Bell, they forgot about Elizabeth as well.


Elizabeth plays Nomi Malone (No Me I'm Alone) a dancer with a dream. The movie opens up with her hitchhiking to Vegas. She is promptly picked up a guy who is already mentally preparing his Dear Penthouse letter. Nomi dashes those hopes with a switchblade and even insults his choice of music in the same breath.


Nomi's so-called street smarts evaporate when he claims that his uncle is a big muckedty muck at casino who can get her her dream job. She leaves her suitcase in his truck and goes off to gamble while he makes her dreams come true. She realizes soon enough that she has been scammed.


Nomi must have the most awesome suitcase ever. A guy gave her ten dollars in order to distract her in order to steal it. Nomi becomes unhinged and starts beating up the car next to her. The car's owner, Arlene, tries to stop her. Nomi promptly gets sick and then tries to throw herself in traffic. Seriously, what is in that suitcase.


Arlene sees this emotionally unstable drifter and thinks only one thing, perfect roommate material. Within weeks, they are super best friends. Nomi's a dancer at a sleazy strip club and Arlene works for a casino as a costume designer. Nomi attends one of the shows and meets Cristal (Gina Gershon) who insults Nomi's work. She promptly runs out and whales on Arlene's car again. That poor abused car.




She blows off work to go dancing in a club. When I say dancing, I mean something that's a cross between the Robot and the Macarena with some jazz hands for flair. Some dude named James tries to pick her up earning him a kick in the danger zone. Despite that, he still bails her out after she gets arrested.




Cristal shows up at the club with her agent/manager (Kyle MacLachlan) Zack in tow. She forces Nomi to give Zack a private dance with a happy ending. This scene is disturbing for me because essentially I am watching Jessie Spano give a lap dance to Orson Hodge. Cristal gives her the money implying, yet again, that's she's a whore. Well if it looks like a duck and acts like a duck.....




So the movie goes into a long boring 45 minutes consisting of Nomi slowly slutting her way to the top, James telling Nomi not to sell out before he then sells out, an epileptic love scene in a swimming pool and finally Cristal and Nomi's creepy love/hate relationship.




Nomi finally shoves Cristal down a flight of stairs and takes her place as the headliner of the show. Arlene is disgusted on how low her friend has stooped. She begs Arlene to forgive her and attend her premiere party. Arlene hooks up with her favorite rock star who like everyone else in this film (including the script writer and director) turns out to be a sadistic pervert. He puts Arlene in the hospital.




Of course, since the rock star is also a headliner, he is being protected by Zack. Zack plans to pay off Arlene and then tells Nomi that he knows that she used to be a hooker. There were about a half dozen scenes in this film where someone implies that she's a hooker and she gets offended. What was the point? Were they trying to make Nomi look less trashy in the film? If so, they failed.




Nomi won't allow that and exerts her own brand of slut justice on the rock star. She heads to the hospital to bid goodbye to Cristal and Arlen before hitchhiking off into the sunset. And you'll never guess who picks her up, yes the same sleazebag from the start of the films.




His trucks ricochets off to Hollywood as a knife happy Nomi demands to know where her special suitcase is.










Sorry for the month of blog silence. The boyfriend and I have decided to sell our house and move from Cali to Washington. No one told me that the act of selling a house can be so time consuming. But I'm back and there will be more entries to follow.