Witchboard 2: The Devil's Doorway

 This movie never had a chance. When you are the Z grade sequel to a B grade film starring Tawny Kitaen, you are pretty much doomed to fail. Just when you thought it was safe to contact the spirits, I bring you Witchboard 2: The Devil's Doorway.

  It's the same old story, girl discovers Ouija board, girl contacts someone evil, girl gets possessed and I die a little inside. The story line is incoherent with underdeveloped red herrings and the most annoying main character I have ever encountered in a horror film.

 Ami Dolenz plays Paige, an aspiring artist who leaves her  completely supportive boyfriend to pursue her dreams. She manages to rent a sweet loft that comes with it's own evil Ouija board. She contacts Susan, a former tenant who claims to have been murdered. She becomes suspicious when everyone clams up and claims that she moved suddenly.

 You might remember Ami from that other horror movie, the Tony Danza vehicle known as She's Out of Control and other assorted teeny bopper flicks. It's almost like Witchboard was her failed attempt at having a grown up role. She even uses curse words. Of course, this is hand waved away as a symptom of her possession. She spends the film either whining or fluttering around in white mini dresses. She's about as grown up as a college freshman at her first kegger.

  The red herrings consist of Paige's supportive boyfriend, the least annoying character in the whole picture.  He's portrayed as a bad guy because he doesn't support her art. There's also the cute boy next door, the sleazy landlord and his dizzy hippie wife. Laraine Newman plays the dizzy hippie who is also the killer. This might have been an interesting twist if the motive or character had any actual development. Laraine Newman sure loves her terrible '90s sequels, she also appeared in Problem Child 2.

   The ending was complete mess. Paige lived which was a huge disappointment. The motives of both the evil spirit and her murderer are vague and confusing. And the ending was a lame comedic scene which would have been more at home in a Rom Com than a horror film.

   Avoid this movie. It's 98 minutes snatched cruelly from your life.

Elvira, we hardly knew ye.

   I was trolling around Youtube when I stumbled across this gem: The unaired pilot episode of The Elvira Show. It's a tragedy that this show never made it out of the pilot stage, it was genuinely good.

  The shows stars Cassandra Peterson as the iconic Elvira, a witch living in Kansas. Elvira sets up shop in town as a fortune teller who also sells love potions. When her customer falls ill, Elvira suddenly finds herself being investigated by the town police. Things are further complicated when Elvira's long lost niece moves in and discovers that she too is a witch.

  This show should have gotten a chance. It was genuinely funny and raunchy but in a non-sleazy way. It seemed like a grown up version of Sabrina The Teenage witch: complete with wacky aunts and talking cats. Cassandra Peterson has a knack for the comedic and it especially shows in the pilot episode. Her chemistry with Katherine Helmond, who played her aunt was off the charts. Those two ladies need to do another project together, they work too well together not to.

  Unfortunately this show was shopped around to CBS, which was obviously the wrong channel for this type of show. Too bad it wasn't shopped around when Fox was on the air. The show would have been perfect for the fledgling channel and might have gotten a proper shot. Unfortunately this show debuted a year before the network began.

   If you're an Elvira fan, go to Youtube and look up the pilot. It's a fun way to pass the time.

The Unwelcome Child

  Terese Pampellone is one of the few female authors who writes true horror. No romances, no wacky mysteries, no love triangles with supernatural beings, just horror. It's tragic that she has only released one novel. But if The Unwelcome Child is the only thing Terese ever publishes, it's a great book to both begin and end your career on.

  The Unwelcome Child centers around Annie Wojtoko, a jaded New York actress. She goes to visit Jan, her pregnant best friend at a B&B which used to be an orphanage/abortion clinic. Annie tries to help Jan who is slowly becoming convinced that her baby is being possessed by a girl who had died tragically there.

  Terese's writing style is reminiscent to the early writings of John Saul, think Hellfire/Nathaniel era. It's dark, atmospheric and unpredictable. Terese uses flashbacks sparingly and slowly introduces you to the characters in the novel. She avoids the chapter long info dump that a lot of horror authors fall into. Slowly gleaning these details about the characters made them feel more real to me. This is a book for a true horror fan and highly recommended. There are a couple of uncomfortable scenes but the book manages to avoid too much gore or unnecessary violence. Warning the book does deal heavily with the pro life/pro choice debates. If that kind of thing deeply offends you, you should probably steer clear.

  The characters aren't perfect and make no apologies for it. You won't find a single Mary Sue or a traditional bad guy. These are flawed characters who don't always do the right thing and you love them for it. Annie in particular is a great character. Sometimes she's likable, sometimes she isn't. She can loyal one moment and completely selfish the next. She's an enigma which is something that you want in a lead character.

  Terese's novel is so well done that I don't mind the tacked on sequel hook that ends the novel. It stays true to the rest of the novel and comes off more like a logical continuation than a desperate attempt at more money.

  I can only hope that this author keeps writing. It would be a shame to see such talent vanish so quickly.

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil

  Tucker & Dale, in my opinion, is one of the best horror movie parodies I've ever seen. It's genuinely funny, smart and doesn't heavily rely on too much special effects.

   The movies stars Tyler Labine and Alan Tudyck who play a couple of kindhearted rednecks on vacation. They wind up saving the life of a college student and take her back to their cabin to recoup. Her prejudiced friends however mistakenly believe the duo are serial killers and attempt to rescue her.

   It's hard to find a really decent horror movie parody. It's either wall to wall juvenile humor or just completely clueless of the genre they are trying to spoof. Tucker & Dale has some great sight gags that are also subtle. The humor is actually intelligent and the main characters are likable.

   The twist ending was easy to guess but still fun to watch. The even manage to have a love story in the film that doesn't seem like it was shoehorned in. Even the sequel hook was a pleasant surprise, it occurs at the beginning of the film instead of the end. The only problem is that it also proves to be a mini spoiler. This doesn't detract from the film though.

   I have to say Alan Tudyck really is a man of many faces. As I do with any movie, I look up the actors on IMDB. Not only was Tudyck in one of my favorite movies (28 Days) he was also in the V remake which I also adored. And I never made the connection between the two nor did I when I saw Tucker & Dale. Now that is what I call a versatile actor. The film also stars Chelan Simmons, Katrina Bowden, Jesse Moss, and Jay Brandon McLaren.

    For anyone who's ever sat through Wrong Turn or The Hills Have Eyes, this is the perfect film for you.

Phantom of The Opera: An All New Nightmare

Seriously worst movie poster ever

   I love Phantom of the Opera. I've seen it live, read the book and even own the soundtrack. I love Robert Englund and I thought that I had seen everything he had done. How a horror version of Phantom starring Englund managed to slip by me I will never know. I must be slipping in my old age.

 Phantom is a perfect blend. It respects the source material while giving it a dose of modern horror. It's more geared towards the novel than the popular musical. However subtle uses of the music are incorporated into the film.

 Englund is delightfully sinister as the Phantom. I love Freddy Krueger and he will always be my favorite horror villain. Sadly though he got downright cartoonish and it seemed an insult to the actor's talents. Robert is perfect for the lead role and is honestly terrifying.

 The film also stars Jill Schoelen who is one of the more underrated scream queens of the '80s. She plays Christine, the object of the Phantom's affection. She can play weak without seeming helpless and bad ass without turning into an action chick. She is the heart of the film and it's sad that the actress never got her proper due. The film also stars Molly Shannon as Christine's nerdy gal pal.

  My only quibble with the film was the ending. In the film, Christine is a wannabe singer in the '80s who travels back in time. After the Phantom is defeated, she wakes up to discover that it was "just a dream" This leads to a painfully long scene where she defeats the Phantom a second time or does she? Yes, there's a tacked on, unnecessary sequel hook.

  The main action took place in the past and already had a fine ending. It did not need a second ending, it seemed rather hastily placed in my opinion.

10 Reasons Why The Walking Dead Should Just Kill Lori

  This inspired by the College Humor article "10 Reasons Why The Walking Dead Should Just Kill Carl." Granted, Carl is annoying but he's a kid he can still mature. Lori on the other hand...

1) She is fated to: In the comics Shane and Dale died and Lori is not too far behind story line wise.

2) She's a shitty mother: She's so obsessed with her daily drama that she virtually ignores her son's existence. It's amazing that he hasn't already joined the ranks of the undead. Let her die and let Carol raise Carl.

3) She treats Rick like shit: Her husband comes back from the dead and since then has been risking his life to protect her. She repays him by turning her back on him and almost getting him killed by his best friend.

4) She treated Shane like shit: This guy is the reason she still walks the Earth. He got her out of Atlanta, he protected her and her son. She certainly had no problem with him when she was lying face down in the woods getting impregnated by him. Since Rick's return she alternated between leading him on and putting him down.

5) She's the shows "moral center" despite not having any: She's quick to judge everyone but God forbid you mentions her screw ups. She stood on the porch smugly glaring at Andrea while Maggie kicked her out. Only when Andrea is out of earshot does she attempt to defend her.

6) She's June Cleaver on steroids: Her biggest concern this season was the laundry. She even goes so far to chastise Andrea for doing "men's work" while all the women were doing chores.

7) She's a liability: She leaves the safety of the farm on a fool's mission, crashes her car on a deserted road, and almost gets eaten by a zombie. All in the span of a few hours.

8) She's expendable: Unless the shows goal is to piss off the audience then she has no place there. She's whiny, doesn't fight or even protect herself, a perpetual damsel in distress. She contributes nothing to the show except headaches.

9) She's a waste of a good actress: Check out some of Sarah Wayne Callies' other works sometimes. She is talented but is completely wasted in such a one dimensional role.

10) She's better off undead: Let's see she loves doing monotonousness chores, hates thinking for herself, and is quick to attack her loved ones. Perfect zombie material.

The Walking Dead: A Season In Review

  After a slow start, Walking Dead really stepped up to the plate and made us fall in love again. Here are just some random thoughts on this season.

   -Its about time Rick started showing some spine. This is a Rick that I want to see, not the angst ridden mess he was before

   -See this Andrea? This is the girl I want to see next season, not the suicidal butt monkey she was this season. They are wasting a great character and a talented actress. And if she bitch smacks Lori just once, she will be my hero.

  - Speaking of Lori, what a passive aggressive waste of space she has been. Half the time she was cock teasing Shane and the urging Rick to put him in his place. How can you like a character whose biggest concern is ring around the collar?
 
  - I was impressed by the deaths of some of the main characters. I was worried the show was going to wuss out and just kill secondary characters.

  - I must say I was shocked when one of the farmer's daughters and that other dude died. It was mostly because I forgot they even existed. No more random background characters please.

  - And speaking of random characters, can we get T-Dog a plot already? Something that doesn't involve him vanishing for episodes at a time.

  - How is it one lone gunshot can attract a forest full of zombies when a out and out gunfight didn't?

  - We finally learn what Jenner told Rick, and it was completely anti-climatic. To quote Buffy "Does the word Duh mean anything to you?"

  - Can we wrap up some old story lines next season? Like whatever happened to Morgan and his son or Darryl's brother for example.

  - We have the prison. We have Michonn. We better have the governor sooner rather than later.

   

  - Despite all the deaths, this particular scene was strangely heartbreaking. A subtle nod to when things were a little better for our band of survivors.

   All in all great season. I will definitely be tuning in next season.