Cinemania

Sleepaway Camp

2012-01-24T20:40:00.000-08:00

Sleepaway Camp was a B grade slasher flick that was saved by an original and unexpected ending. An ending which I won't reveal here. I recommend that any horror fan check it out.

The movie centers around a typical '80s summer camp. You know the one where the counselors are sexed crazed morons who let the campers go wild. And like any '80s summer camp someone is intent on making it a summer to remember.

The main characters are Angela, a strange mute girl and her overprotective cousin, Ricky. Felissa Rose plays Angela and I must say that she's a phenomenal actress. She can emote more with a single glance than most actresses can do with a whole monologue.

Other actresses of note are Karen Fields who plays resident bitch, Judy and Desiree Goulds who plays Aunt Martha. Karen plays the bitch to a Tee, she's unlikable but in a really enjoyable way. I really wished the role of Aunt Martha was bigger. Desiree Goulds is just adorable as a perky Stepford wife on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I only hope the rumors about her renewing her role in a future sequel are true.

For a slasher the kills are pretty top notch. Very inventive and different from anything Jason or Leatherface have done. Let's just say you'll never look at a curling iron in quite the same way. The film builds a perfect amount or suspense and throws in realistic red herrings to keep you from guessing the killer too early in the film.

The only thing I didn't like were the filler camp scenes. I know they were there for atmosphere and mild character development but it does hinder the film some. There's a scene with a baseball game that runs way too long and too slow.

This film is a must see for any horror fan. However watch these films in order as watching any of the sequels out of order will spoil the surprise.

Friday the 13th: The Series-The Inheritance

2012-01-22T20:02:00.000-08:00

Friday the 13th: The Series was a horror television series spanning from 1987-1990. In my opinion, it was probably one of the finest horror television series created. Join me every Sunday, as we search for cursed antiques and bad '80s fashion. Just don't plan on seeing Jason Voorhees though.

The show centers around an antique store owned by Lewis Vendredi. He sells cursed antiques to unsuspecting customers via a pact with Satan. He finally gets fed up with doing Satan's bidding and quits, dying soon after.

The store falls into the hands of his two distant relatives, the prim and proper Micki and the increasingly annoying Ryan. The duo decide to sell the store and everything in it. An old bud of Lewis', Jack Marshak, discovers what Lewis has done. They decide to put their lives on hold and vow to locate all the cursed antiques.

Antique of the week: Vida, a very creepy talking doll with a murderous streak. Mary (played by Sarah Polley) discovers the doll in the store prior to Lewis' death. It is in fact this girl who changes Lewis' mind and he refuses to sell the doll to her parents. Vida is innocently sold to the family six months later.

Vida is a talking doll who tells Mary that they can do anything they want. Mary has a wicked stepmother who makes the mistake of trying to take Vida away as punishment. She winds up falling down the stairs but survives. Later, in the hospital, Mary allows Vida to kill her stepmother.

Sarah is left with a neighbor who dares to deny this murderous moppet extra chocolate chip cookies. The neighbor almost dies but is rescued by Micki and Ryan. Micki tries to take the doll but almost dies in the process. Ryan rescues her and they get the doll back.

No one seems really concerned on how messed up Mary is going to be after this incident.

Notes

Robey who plays Micki is a fabulous actress and singer. Check out her cover of One Night In Bangkok here

John D. Lemay who plays Ryan is one of the few links between the Friday the 13th Series and the Friday the 13th films. He starred in Jason Goes to Hell: The "Final" Friday.

Lewis' death was pretty bad ass. The best part was when flaming hoof prints started walking down the stairs. Top notch special effects for it's time period.

Jack is allegedly longtime childhood friends with Lewis but it takes him six months to learn of his death. Does not compute.

Ryan wears a blazer and tie with cargo shorts. That is cheesy even by '80s standards.

Micki's whiny fiancee used the word behoove. One day I intend to use that word in a sentence.

The Crush

2012-01-21T23:53:00.000-08:00

In the early '90s, horror was mostly dormant. Slasher franchises vanished and horror seemed to primarily set in two categories Sci Fi and psychological. The Crush certainly wasn't original, it was part of the stalker girl oeuvre alongside such classics as The Temp and Poison Ivy.

Struggling writer, Nick, moves into a pretty swank guest house owned by The Forresters. The house comes with electricity, gas, and an underage psycho who won't take no for an answer. The psycho is Adrian played by the '90s answer to Lolita, Alicia Silverstone.

Since the character of Adrian is so much younger than her slutty counterparts, the film treads lightly on the film's sexuality. Sexuality is the base of most psycho films and removing that element turns The Crush into a rather tepid film with too much emphasis on overdrawn suspense scenes.

Nick as the film's victim is just too stupid to live. Once he realizes just how unhinged Adrian is, rather than get the hell out of Dodge, he simply stays put antagonizing her even more. Would you really hook up with another chick in your apartment knowing there's a jealous psycho next door just waiting to destroy you?

The cast is passable. Alicia Silverstone doesn't really come off as evil, more merely annoying as she emotes her scene in a bored monotone. Don't get me wrong, I love Alicia, just not in this film. Kurtwood Smith is underused as Adrian's beleaguered father. Screen Queen, Jennifer Rubin is probably the most interesting actor in the film and should have had a bigger part in the film's finale.

Let's talk about Cary Elwes for a moment. He's a great actor and has played some great roles. Saw, The Princess Bride, and Kiss The Girls for example. Then, inexplicably, he will take roles where he is a second banana to CGI tornadoes and fodder for Jim Carrey. I don't get it.

The ending really falls apart with epic badness. A girl psychotically chopping lemons is not scary. Neither is a grown man being chased around a merry go round by a knife wielding teenager. And after all this crap, it took one simple punch to take out this girl. At least go out in a hail of bullets like Glenn Close.

Of course, due to the character's age, she doesn't die. She gets shipped off to a loony bin where she finds another handsome man to obsess over. Ho hum.

Here's a fun fact: The film was allegedly based on a real event from the writer/director Alan Shapiro. He even went so far to name his character after the real life girl. The character was originally named Darian in the theatrical cut but it was changed to Adrian after a lawsuit.

I think the real story behind this script would have been a hundred times for interesting than the movie it spawned.

Village of the Damned

2012-01-09T21:58:00.000-08:00

I'm just come out and say it, I love this movie. It's one of my favorite '90s horror films. Sure, it's not as good as the 1960 original, it's less creepy and more violent. Still, it can definitely stand on it's own merit.

The movie concerns a small California town where ten women suddenly become pregnant by a supernatural force. They give birth to an eerie group of super smart kids with homicidal tendencies. As the deaths increase, the town debates whether to eliminate the kids or co exist with them.

Let's start with the cast. Where else in movie history do you have Christopher Reeve and Mark Hamill in the same film? Christopher Reeve was a phenomenal actor and it really shows in this film. The movie also stars Kirstie Alley, Linda Kozlowski, and Meredith Salenger.

The film really belongs to Salenger in her haunting role as Melanie, a virginal teen who loses her baby in childbirth. Salenger is a great albeit unappreciated actress in the film industry. I wish she would do more mainstream roles.

Most of the actors playing the children haven't done anything major since Damned, save for two. Lindsay Haun who played the murderous leader Mara has recently appeared in True Blood as Hadley. And Thomas Dekker, who played protagonist, David, has starred in the abominable 2010 remake of Nightmare on Elm Street and The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

As I said before Damned is violent, excessively so. A character eviscerates herself with a scalpel, a man gets cooked on a grill, another impales himself on a broom. This movie is not for the weak of heart or the easily squeamish.

But there's also a sweeter side to the film concerning David whose "mate" dies in childbirth. Considered weaker than the rest, he is essentially written off by the others. This allows him to develop a conscience and empathy which gives this film a lot of heart.

Like most remakes it pales in comparison to the original but is still good in it's own way.

Leprechaun: In the Hood

2012-01-06T22:48:00.000-08:00

Leprechaun: In the Hood doesn't break any fresh ground for the Leprechaun franchise. It's the same old tale, someone steals gold, the Leprechaun kills people, wisecracks ensue.

I don't know whether to like Hood or not. On the bright side, it is a little fresher than the previous installments, especially with the new and pimped out Leprechaun and his band of zombie fly girls. There are some genuinely funny moments. Unfortunately most of the humor is more suited for a family sitcom than an alleged horror spoof. The film does score points for not stooping to body humor which is par for the course in most comedic horrors.

On the not so good side, the film is so stereotypical it borders on the offensive. It's not just the black people that get this shoddy treatment, Asians and Transgenders are targets too. I was especially offended by the rampant homophobia that accompanied some of these scenes.

The cast of the films are mostly unknowns save for rapper, Ice T., who is seriously in danger of losing his ghetto pass if he keeps taking these shit roles. Coolio, who waved bye bye to his ghetto pass along time ago does a completely useless cameo.

I was not crazy about the ending. It seemed like the script writer got bored towards the end and just gave up. It mad no sense and is just a blatant sequel hook disguised as an ending. Plus it has no correlation with the film's sequel Back to Da Hood. It's Leprechaun in the Hood, it doesn't need to be Citizen freaking Kane, but at least try to have continuity.

The soundtrack however is bad ass, some of the better rap music I have heard in awhile. Even the Leprechaun gets his own rap number at the end of the film. Here's the link to the video since they won't allow it to be embedded.

It's not so much as funny such as really sad. Oh and by the way, never watch this film on BET. Profanities were being muted every other second. It was borderline irritating.

Bag of Bones Part 2

2011-12-19T21:53:00.000-08:00

A little late I know, this movie has been kicking around in my DVR for a week before I had a chance to watch it.

The filmmakers have realized that they wasted 2 hours of footage watching Pierce Brosnan cry. Now important plot points are being hurled at you left and right. Bam! Max Devore is dead. Bam! Sarah Tidwell is the ghost that is haunting Mike. Bam! Maddie and Mike are an item. Bam! She's dead.

So Mike realized that he has to destroy Sarah's corpse and end the madness. Sarah possesses a vagina shaped tree and tries to stop him. Joanna shows up in a red halter dress that proves bad fashion taste never dies. Her fighting style: boring Sarah to death with platitudes that Dr. Phil would find corny.

Mike and Kyra are a family now and skipping off into the sunset. Let's just forget that he doesn't have legal custody. Or that he killed a cop. Or that there's a dead body in his house. Who needs logic when you can have a happy ending.

Let's start with Max Devore what a waste of a good villian. He just tools through the film like a geriatric soothsayer spouting doom wherever he goes. But at least he gets a topless scene and a hot makeout session with his daughter. Okay, she was only his daughter in the book but still eww.

This is not how I imagined Rogette at all. When I read the book I always imagined her looking like Beth Grant.

Matt Frewer exists for one scenes bringing his scene count to four. You do not hire Matt Frewer and use him for four scenes. That's like buying a fine champagne and pouring it down the drain, it's wrong, wrong I say.

And of course, who can forget Maddie the oldest 20 year old in the world. There's is not a moment where she doesn't come as jaded. There's no real emotion in this character at all. As for her and Mike's love story and her subsequent death, snore city. Had the couple shared more than a handful scenes this might have been important. A little less crying Pierce, a little more action.

The only bright spot of this film is Anika Noni Rose. Even though she doesn't get enough screen time to show off her acting skills, she gets to show off her singing skills. The girl is just fabulous and I look forward to hearing more from her.

The soundtrack is available through iTunes and is recommended. I bought her rendition of Frankie and Johnny as soon as I heard it.

Remember when I said that Pierce Brosnan should never say frisky again? Well, I'm also going to add knockin' boots to that list as well. For shame, Pierce, for shame.

Stephen King's 'Bag Of Bones' Part 1

2011-12-11T23:43:00.000-08:00

Film adaptions of Stephen King's novels are in a word, a gamble. Sometimes they win and other times they bomb spectacularly. Sadly, Bag of Bones so far seems to be camping in the fail territory.

The film and novel follow Mike Noonan, an author suffering from writer's block after the untimely death of his wife, Jo. He seeks refuge in their vacation home and soon finds himself being haunted by spirits from beyond. Mike also becomes embroiled in a custody battle between a young mother and her powerful father in law.

Mike is played by Pierce Brosnan, he is definitely not how I pictured Mike. I am not sure who I would have cast, but Brosnan would not be on that list. Other problems I have with the casting is Melissa George playing the young mother, Maddie.

Maddie is supposed to a 20 year old girl in over her head. Her youth and innocence are partly what drove the novel. Melissa George is 35 and no amount of suspended disbelief can change that. She comes off more like a jaded soccer mom than an innocent little flower. Matt Frewer, one of my favorite actors also appears. However so far in the film, he is being woefully underused. Jason Priestley also appears as Mike's agent, Marty.

The first part of the film is slow and borderline coma-inducing. I understand they are trying to set up the story but it feels more like 2 hours of filler before the good stuff happens. How many times do we have to see Brosnan cry? And the unnecessary montages featuring him jogging and writing are ludicrous. Just as the movie started to get interesting the cable decided to go out for ten minutes. God has a sense of humor.

My main quibble with this film is how they handled Jo's death. In the book it was a brain embolism, in the movie it was one of the fakest bus crashes I had ever seen. The character was pregnant for Pete's sake, the bus seemed to be a low blow. I know filming a brain embolism would have been hard to do. They could've have easily changed it to a heart attack, a simple clutching of the chest would have been sufficient for the audience.

Speaking of ridiculous scenes, one scene in particular demonstrated how much better a book is than a film. In the book, there is a moose head who inexplicably gets more screen time than Matt Frewer. His name is Bunter and he wears a little bell. Mike and Jo apparently knocked boots soon after buying Mr. Moose. After that they refer to sex as ringing Bunter's bell.

Now when a book character silently reminisces on this, it's sweet and tender story. When a movie character blurts it out to an elderly caretaker that he just met, it's creepy and more than a little awkward. And Pierce Brosnan is officially never allowed to utter the word frisky ever again.

I will be tuning into part 2, because I am a masochist who hates myself. But this movie better step up it's game and become interesting.

Milo (1998)

2011-12-06T02:04:00.000-08:00

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Spoilers~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not that you'd want to watch this piece of shit anyway.

I am not sure whether to be offended or bored by this tepid entry in the killer kid department. Milo is about a peculiar little boy with an unnatural interest in gynecology. I can't believe I just typed that sentence.

Milo lures five little girls to his house under the guys of seeing aborted fetuses. Yeah, that's totally what girls are interested in seeing. I'll admit Milo is creepy with his raspy voice and face dutifully hidden by a yellow slicker. Well Creepy Hauser M.D. ignores his Hippocratic oath and goes scalpel crazy.

We flash to present day and the scariest part of the movie, the main character's fashion sense.

Headless Marie Antoinette doll not included.

This fashion victim is Claire and apparently one of the aforementioned little girls. She returns to her hometown for a wedding only to learn that the bride, Ruth, died the night before. To Claire, death is synonymous with job opening and takes over Ruth's teaching job.

Oh hai, Mila Kunis!

We learn that Claire is a mediocre substitute teacher who is not married. She talks to goldfish, I wonder if they call her out by name. She is seen opening a cardboard box that was delivered to her. What's in the box? A plastic baggie with her goldfish inside. Did she Fed Ex the fish to her house?

Claire begins to repeatedly see and hear Milo everywhere she goes. Is he really haunting her or is he a manifestation of her guilt? Here's a better question: How long before this film actually gets interesting?

Claire confides in one of the other girls, Abigail, who reminds her that Milo drowned when they were young. Claire leaves and naturally Abby has an unfortunate run-in with Milo's scalpel. Claire tries to convince her last surviving friend, Marian that Milo is back.

Marian reminds Claire that she went a little nuts after the Milo incident and suspects that she is going crazy again. Ethan, a troubled student of Claire is seen talking to Milo. Or was he? And Claire's is attacked by someone in a rain slicker. Or was she? And LadyJ finally finds this film interesting. Or does she?

Claire breaks into Milo's father's office and is caught by Daddy Dearest. Daddy shows her Milo's grave but she still isn't convinced. Milo manages to dispatch Marian via bicycle and drags her into the woods. Marian tries again to talk to Daddy while Milo assaults the school janitor in the hallways.

Rather than take him to a real hospital they return to Milo's father's clinic where Claire finds some freaky deaky medical equipment. Daddy bounds and gags the janitor as Milo chases Claire. Guess what Milo is alive and well and was apparently a stillborn baby that Daddy resurrected. Yeah, it makes no sense to me either.

Claire gets knocked out and awakens wearing a wedding dress. And they say men can't commit. The janitor somehow gets loose and drowns Milo. Since he's a black man in a horror movie, he dies as well.

In Milo's chamber of horrors, Claire finds the bodies of her friend clad in wedding gowns as well. Great not only is he a psycho killer/amateur gynecologist but he's a polygamist as well. As for poor Marian, well, Milo kind of took the choice out of pro choice. Milo killed Marian which would be believable if the actresses' legs weren't moving throughout the scene. Acting like a corpse is not rocket science, people.

Well Claire kills Milo and escapes. We are treated to the strangest ending ever where the new janitor finds graffiti reading "Milo Was Here" Then they cut to a blink and you'll miss it scene of a young Milo attacking a young Claire.

Congratulations Milo, you officially suck worse than Troll 2.

The Walking Dead:Rise Of The Governor

2011-12-03T20:08:00.000-08:00

The best part of The Walking Dead: Rise Of The Governor is the twist ending. A twist ending that would have definitely rocked the comic readers mind's. It would have rocked my mind too, had I not read the book before starting on the comics.

Still Rise is a gritty post apocalyptic novel that those who have not read the comic can still enjoy. It follows Phillip Blake, his daughter Penny, brother Nick and friends as they try to find a refuge from an ever growing zombie population.

What I appreciate is the non gross out writing. I am in the minority of horror fans who don't like too much gore. Hey, I can throw up for free, I don't need to spend money on a book or movie to make me do so. The characters they encounter throughout the novel are richly described even if they only show up for a few pages.

Rise is what a zombie novel should be, intriguing, scary and at times heartbreaking. It's also a great introduction for people who haven't read the comics. It's more of a standalone novel with nods to certain characters that appear in the comics. I have been a long time fan of the show but never had any interest in the comics until I read this book.

Even if you don't particularly care for the Walking Dead series, but are a fan of zombie literature read this book. It's a must read for horror fans.

Survival Of Dana

2011-11-17T02:07:00.000-08:00

The Survival Of Dana is your typical trite '70s anti-drug drama. Dana (Melissa Sue Anderson) is your typical good girl with a bright future for about five minutes.

When she is mistakenly busted for shoplifting everything changes. Her grandmother doesn't believe her and she is forbidden from joining the ice skating team. Did high schools even have ice skating teams? She waves bye bye to her good girl ways and starts going out with Donny (Robert Carradine)

This is the second drugs are bad movie that Carradine has starred in, he also played a junkie in Go Ask Alice. Donny is everything a girl could want, car thief, junkie, and unfaithful dog. Dana gets in touch with her inner bad girl which is no different than her good girl role. It's hard to take Anderson seriously with her monotone voice and deer in the headlights gaze. Also whoever said that perms were a good look were seriously disturbed.

"One of these days I'm gonna break like ice. I'm gonna explode like a grenade."

Look, Judge Reinhold! He plays an abused kid named Bear, who gets thrown through a plateglass window by one of Donny's friends. He has no real role in this movie. I suppose he's supposed to be a cautionary tale. But it's hard to stand out when every character is this film is a cautionary tale.

So Donny and his gang piss off a bunch of thugs and wind up in a high speed chase. Dana seems worried, I think, it's hard to tell when the actress only has one expression throughout the movie. They get away but the thugs go after Dana's grandmother played by Marion Ross. Poor Marion, she must have gotten desperate for work as Happy Days wound down.

Eventually there an epic fight in which Donny is shot dead. But at least he got to a great slow motion Million Dollar Man jump before he bites it. Dana mourns for about three seconds before changing her sinful ways. She goes back to skating and gets the obligatory good guy boyfriend that all these films have.

Dana seems happy...I think.

My Apologies

2011-10-23T20:44:00.000-07:00

I messed up and got too busy but will review more 8 more films as promised.

31 Days Of Horror #15: Slaughter High

2011-10-15T22:23:00.000-07:00

Trust me the poster is the coolest thing this film has to offer. There are some movies where you root for the killer. Not because you feel sympathy for him or understand him but because his victims are all pretentious a-holes. They are so annoying that you do not want them to exist fictional or otherwise.

We meet school nerd, Marty played by Simon Scuddamore. Sadly, Scuddamore committed suicide shortly after the film wrapped. Like all '80s nerds he is tormented by the popular kids on a daily basis.

As far as bullies in an '80s teen movies go, these guys are the worst. They stab him in the crotch with a javelin. They give him a poison laced joint. And finally they cause poor Marty to be scarred by acid and leave school. The budding sociopaths move on with their lives.

Years later, the gang is mysteriously invited to a reunion. Every character in this films is an idiot. When your class reunion only consists of the people who disfigured a boy all those years ago, somethings up. This brings us to one of the film's most awesome kills, a beer that blows up someone's stomach.

The gang wises up to the fact that they are trapped in a school with a killer. So they do what comes natural to stupid people in horror films, they split up. And have sex and take long luscious baths and generally just be dumb asses. This just gives Marty more opportunities for ingenious kills like and acid bathtub or an electric bed. Marty is the most likable character in the film.

Then something terrible happens we find out that it was all just a dream. Marty is in an institution conjuring up elaborate fantasies about revenge. This is a bummer, these characters were awful, awful, people. Death is the kindest thing Marty could do for them.

But the tacked on sequel ending had Marty killing a doctor and nurse and possibly escaping the hospital. Let's hope that little scamp makes all his fantasies come true. I know I sound psycho but watch this movie. Trust me you'll hate the other characters as much as I do.

31 Days Of Horror #14: Cheerleader Camp

2011-10-14T21:53:00.000-07:00

A.K.A Bloody Pom Poms

For starters I love this poster it reminds me of an R.L. Stine cover. Cheerleader Camp is one of those so bad it's good kind of movies.

The films stars Betsy Russell, a veteran actress of bad '80s movies such as Avenging Angel, Private School, and Tomboy. She plays Alison, an All American good girl cracking under the strain of being perfect. She and her bevy of bimbos are attending Camp Hurrah for the summer. Unfortunately nobody in a hockey mask comes to put us out of our misery.

Alison begins being plagued by hallucinations and bad dreams. This stress keeps her from knocking boots with the dreamy Leif Garrett who finds other pom poms to shake. Soon the bodies start piling up and Alison is unsure if she's a killer or just a scapegoat for someone else.

The killer is predictable but not because of a bad script. If you watch the trailer on Youtube, you will see every single character who dies. It's called process of elimination not that the script tries too hard to retain any sense of mystery. The movie is too busy devoting it's time to jiggly, bouncy breasts and bad dialogue.

The ending is actually good with Alison being convinced that she is the killer. The real killer dances in victory as Alison heads off to a future of shock therapy and Xanax.

But as far as '80s slasher films go this is still pretty decent. If you can sit through a Jason film then you can definitely appreciate this one.

31 Days Of Horror #9-13: The Child's Play Movie Guide

2011-10-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

I am very bad blogger. To make up for missing five days, I've decided to do one of my movie guides spanning five movies. Lazy and irresponsible, I know, but hopefully fun.

Child's Play (1988): A young boy's dream come true becomes a nightmare after his toy becomes possessed by a serial killer.

The Good: Child's Play was an edgy and original addition to the slasher genre. It had some good scare scenes, some original death scenes and could be funny without appearing cartoonish. Brad Dourif is an incredible voice actor and does the impossible, makes a doll appear really scary.

The Bad: Child's Play is hindered by an uneven storyline and unnecessary characters. Even though you know from the start that Chucky is the killer, they try to make you think it was the little boy. That red herring tactic would've made more sense if everything associated with the film wasn't Chucky based.

Notable Stars: Catherine Hicks, Dinah Manoff, and Chris Sarandon. The true tragedy is that Sarandon is a fine actor but even he couldn't make too much out of his role.

Child's Play 2 (1990): Proving that you can keep a good doll, Chucky's back to wreck havoc on Andy's life.

The Good: Even it's worst films the Child's Play franchise has two things to be proud of humor and creative kills. That is the only thing that really saves this film from being a total snooze fest.

The Bad: Child's Play 2 is simply a tepid rehash of part one. Once again the movie tries to make Andy look like the bad guy when the audience knows that the killer is Chucky. There are way too many characters introduced to simply be killed off moments later.

The thing that really ticks me off about the movie is the way they got rid of Andy's mother. She is alleged to have been committed due to her rantings about Chucky. Which would have made sense if two police officers hadn't seen Chucky alive and well at the end of the first films. What about them? Were they committed to? A simple throwaway line about what happened to them would've been cool.

Notable Stars: Jenny Agutter, Graham Gerrit, and Christine Elise. Oddly, newcomer Elise outshines the two more seasoned actors in the film.

Child's Play 3 (1991) A now teen aged Andy finds himself battling his childhood foe once again.

The Good: Nothing

The Bad: This is by far the worst installment in the franchise. Even the world's most creative kills and funniest lines would save this film. There is nothing redeemable about this film, the characters are unpleasant assholes, heroes and villains alike. Even the doll appears dismayed at being involved with this crap fest.

The whole point of the first two movies was that Andy is the only way Chucky can resurrect himself. However now the writers go oops never mind any kid will do. This won't be the first time a sequel messes with the mythology of the series but it is the the worst.

Bride of Chucky (1998): Chucky is back and better than ever and this time he is not alone.

The Good: The best part about hitting rock bottom is that you can only go up. And up this movie goes. Bride of Chucky is a perfect synergy of humor, action, and horror. The actors are phenomenal and really get into their roles. The kills are simply filled with over the top awesomeness. Plus this film has one of the best horror movie soundtracks of all time

The Bad: Nothing it's just that awesome.

Notable Stars: Jennifer Tilly, Katherine Heigl, John Ritter, Alexis Arquette, and Kathy Najimy in a hilarious cameo. Jennifer Tilly and Brad Douriff who voices Chucky are an awesome pair with an amazing chemistry.

Seed of Chucky: Chucky has a baby. "Whoop De Doo Basil!"

The Good: The film gives actress Jennifer Tilly considerable screen time as Tiffany and herself. She is the only thing that saves this otherwise dreadful film.

The Bad: Where to start the uneven story lines, the desperate attempts at humor and cavalcade of celebrity cameos. The majority of the film centers on Glen, son of Chucky and Tiffany. Is he a boy or girl, a killer or hero? Who cares? It's like someone ate the other four Chucky scripts and puked up this mess. The film even resorts to toiler humor to garner a couple of laughs. The Child's Play franchise may have been gory but they were never juvenile avoid at all costs.

Notable Stars: Tilly and Dourff revise their roles dragging Redman and John Waters along for the ride.

31 Days Of Horror #8: Return of the Living Dead 3

2011-10-08T20:57:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the O.C. bitch.

In my opinion Return of the Living Dead 3 is one of the most well-written and thought provoking zombie films in recent history. For the most part the Return series was mostly campy and light hearted, more gore than actual story. This film however changes the rules and the result is 97 minutes of awesome.

We meet teenage lovers Curt and Julie, Curt's father is a soldier experimenting with Trioxin, the zombie-creating gas from the first two movies. When the project goes sour, Curt's father is dismissed and relocated. An angry Curt runs away with Julie but she winds up dying in a motorcycle accident. Curt sneaks into the labs to bring her back to life.

At first Julie seems alright but is soon gripped by the urge to eat brains. Unlike typical zombies, she is still self-aware and tries to fight her deadly urges. She learns that intense pain can stave off craving and does some damage that would make any masochist proud. The unlikely couple finds themselves on the run from gangsters, the military, and zombies alike.

This is probably one of the few zombie films that you see from a first person point of view. Julie comes off as sympathetic and not just a bumbling bag of flesh in search of brains. I was impressed by the actress who played Julie, Melinda Clarke from the O.C. I didn't think much of her acting but this film changed my mind.

The ending is quite beautiful and tragic which is what really sets this film apart from other movies in this genre. This is a must see for zombie fans even if you do find yourself tearing up at the end. If you are squeamish though, you might want to give this film a past. It is a lot gorier than your standard zombie fare.

31 Days Of Horror #7: The Initation of Sarah

2011-10-07T20:34:00.000-07:00

As far as horror goes, this film is a toss-up, it does have the common elements of a horror movie but it is also an ABC Family production.

To start off I have never seen the '78 film so I have no basis of comparison. I do know that actress Morgan Fairchild appeared in both of them. The film is about two twin sisters Sarah and Lindsay who are heading off to college. Sarah has had some problems in the past and the girls hope to have a fresh start.

Their mother urges them to join her sorority, Alpha Nu headed by the prim and proper Corrine. The girls are also being wooed by Pi Epsilon Delta headed by a the slightly odd Doctor Hunter. It turns out that Alpha plans to sacrifice Sarah in an effort to keep their youth and powers.

The movie is pretty decent, it lacks gore and only has a couple of murders that take place off screen. The actors are pretty awesome, Mika Boorem who plays Sarah is a likable heroine. Jennifer Tilly as always is seductive and gets a couple of good one-liners throughout the film. The films also stars Amber Wallace a talented but woefully underused actress.

Summer Glau is also in this film but she really is a blank slate, there is none of the awesomeness that she would later bring to Firefly and TSCC.

The film also gets some serious awesome points for featuring T.Rex's Children of the Revolution for the climatic end battle. This is one the few films with sequel hooks that made me actually want a follow up film. This is a great film for horror and non horror fans alike.

31 Days Of Horror #6: Maximum Overdrive

2011-10-06T23:05:00.000-07:00

Many people have trashed Maximum Overdrive but I am not one of them. To me, this film is one of the better Stephen King film adaptations. There is action, comedy, cool cars, kickass music, and hot chicks, everything the '80s stood for.

The movie based on the King short story Trucks where the very things that man made turn on them. The main action takes place at a tiny truck stop in North Carolina where a few survivors plot to escape. However they are surrounded by thousand hungry trucks demanding to be fed or else.

Yeah flimsy plot but the movie manages to overcome it. You got what is probably Emilio Estevez's best role since Breakfast Club. A soundtrack consisting of nothing but AC/DC. The voice of Lisa Simpson, Yeardley Smith playing a neurotic newlywed. Marla Maples killed by a watermelon. Or the obligatory Stephen King cameo where he gets to utter this awesome line "Honey! C'mon over here, Sugar-buns. This machine just called me an asshole!"

The kills are phenomenal, steamrollers, soda machines, and video games get to lay waste to the humans who underestimated them. There is not a single death scene in this picture that isn't worth applause.

Even the star of the film is not human, it's a kick ass semi truck bearing the face of the Green Goblin. This truck is fab, fab, fab. One day I will get my license, buy this truck and drive cross country scaring tourists and children alike.

If you like the '80s, you must watch this movie. Enough said.

31 Days Of Horror #5: Deadly Friend

2011-10-05T23:16:00.000-07:00

The original Lady Ga Ga

Wes Craven is a fabulous director and a horror icon, creating some of the best horror films in our lifetime. But sometimes he can also bring us disasters such as My Soul To Keep and of course Deadly Friend.

Deadly Friend is just awful, dark, depressing, and just unpleasant to boot. It also inexplicably is home to one of the best kill scenes in recent horror history, but more on that later.

We meet uber geek Paul who has just moved to town with his mother. Paul is owner of a robot named BB who looks like the product of a one night stand between Johnny 5 and the yellow Power Ranger.

Matt soon befriends Samantha, the typical girl next door. Samantha's father is an abusive alcoholic who is getting worse every day. One night Samantha and Paul play a prank on a crotchety old neighbor woman played by Anne Ramsay of the Goonies fame. She winds up shooting BB and essentially destroying it.

Tragedy strikes again when Samantha is killed by her father. Paul realizes the odds of finding another hot blond who thinks robots are sexy are slim to none. So he takes the BB's AI, steals Sam's body and implants said chip right into her brain.

Sam 2.0 stumbles around expressionless and talking in a monotone. Not too different from pretty much every role Kristy Swanson ever played. Sam's true self keeps flashing through and eventually she takes our her revenge on her father and the evil neighbor. This is where the awesome kill scene happens, she decapitates the neighbor with a basketball. The reason I think this scenes is so badass is how uncovential and unpredictable the weapon was. Check out the scene here if you are interested.

Eventually Sam 2.0 gathers the attention of the police and Paul tries to hide her in a woodshed. Cops find her, she finally becomes the old Sam, cops shoot her, Paul cries, it's a feel good film for the whole family. Now the end scene confuses me as I have no idea whether it was a dream sequence of the stupidest scare ending ever created.

Paul just hasn't learned his lesson and goes off to steal Sam's body. All of a sudden she comes to life, tears off her skin to reveal an evil BB who then apparently strangles him to death as the credit roll.

Avoid this movie, there is only one good aspect and you can find that on Youtube. Attempting to view the rest of this film will just result in 91 minutes being cruelly stolen from your life.

31 Days Of Horror #4: Chopper Chicks in Zombietown

2011-10-04T23:58:00.000-07:00

Chopper Chicks in Zombietown is one of the best worst movies in history. (Suck on that Troll 2). It is a wonderful blend of horror, action, and comedy and is must see for any horror fan.

The plot is pretty simple. A gang of bikers stop by a small town for a little R&R. A demented mortician has been raising the dead and forcing them to work in mines. The townspeople refuse to fight their dead relatives leaving the biker chicks to defend the town. Throw in some blind orphans, a midget, and Billy Bob Thornton and you got a hit.

This film could have succeeded simply based on babes in leather and zombies but Chopper Chicks takes it one step further. They actually have character development and a plausible back story. These are not random biker sluts from the planet bimbo. They are smart, funny, and kick some serious ass.

The film has a pretty eccentric cast. There's the aforementioned Billy Bob Thornton who plays a former boyfriend of one of the bikers. Martha Quinn plays a towns person and Hal Sparks fills the role of the head blind orphan. Mr. Sparks, if you ever read this: I must interview you or marry you, whatever comes first.

A girl can dream

Find this movie, watch it, absorb it's message, it is the holy grail of bad movies. Why are you still sitting here and reading? Go!!!

31 Days Of Horror #3: Hello Mary Lou Prom Night 2

2011-10-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

For this entry I'd thought I'd look to the cinematic style of our good friends from the Great White North: Canada. Mary Lou is an in name only sequel to the '80s horror flick, Prom Night. In truth I like this one better and appreciate it not keeping in touch with the original.

In my opinion the original Prom Night was a snore, a tepid whodunit that wasted the talents of poor Jamie Lee Curtis and Leslie Nielsen. What can you say about a film that sets it final chase scene to disco of all things. Mary Lou went supernatural and improved itself over it's predecessor.

The film opens in the '50s where we meet bad girl Mary Lou Mahoney. The only thing that that Mary Lou wants in life is that coveted prom queen title. Give the girl a break, this was before Woman's Lib. A prank played by a jilted lover goes horrible wrong and Mary Lou is burned alive.

The film fast forwards thirty years ahead when highschooler Vicki finds Mary Lou's prom attire in a storage room. The discovery releases Mary Lou's vengeful spirit who tortures and eventually possesses Vicki. Mary Lou sets out to avenge her death and don her crown.

Mary Lou is not bad for a B movie horror. There are few slow suspense scenes that hinder most slashers of that era. The kills are pretty good, from possessing a computer and electrocuting a teen to stabbing a priest with his own cross. The hardest thing an actress can do is the possession storyline, but Wendy Lyon pulls it off. She channels Mary Lou's voice and movements with surprising ease.

Not too much gore but there is a particularly squicky scene where the possessed Vicki attempts to make out with her father, luckily it's a short scene. There are some hysterical one liners most of them uttered by Mary Lou. The ending was actually kind of tender with Mary Lou confronting the kid who inadvertently ended her life. The movie does lose points for the tacked on sequel hook at the very end though. It also loses points for the senseless murder of a pregnant girl.

Most of the actors are unknowns safe for '80s bad ass Michael Ironside who plays a principal and father of Vicki's boyfriend, Craig. I don't really mention Craig simply due to the fact that he had the screen presence of a Pop Tart. He would later utilize that talent by playing a zombie in the 2004 Dawn of the Dead remake.

Still, this is a film I would recommend for '80s horror fans and luckily made the transition to DVD so it will be easy to find. If you like the original Prom Night then you might want to avoid as it is a completely different movie.

31 Days Of Horror #2: Daddy's Girl

2011-10-02T20:41:00.000-07:00

The '90s were a breeding ground for the killer tot genre. You had Mikey, The Paperboy, and even Macaulay Culkin in the Good Son. However, Daddy's Girl set itself apart as being the only film where the killer was a girl.

Gabrielle Boni plays Jodie the aforementioned Daddy's Girl. She predictably slices and dices her way through anyone who stands in her way. Boni is a great child actress and possibly the only really good part of the film. It also stars William Katt, Whip Hubley, and Peggy McRea who just seem to be going through the motions.

The chief problem with this film is that it is phenomenally boring, with drawn out suspense scenes and one too many nightmare sequences. The kills are mediocre and the majority of the characters are just assholes.

Seriously, there are no redeeming qualities to anyone in this picture. We are supposed to care about these victims not root for the killer. They even shoehorn in a orphaned cousin who realizes what Jodie really is about. This leads to a vague attempt at a back story for Jodie, which like this film is uneven and half baked.

The ending is the real insult of the movie. The boy killer movies always have their killers going out in a blaze of glory and sometimes even surviving. The lone girl killer movie goes out with a whimper.

She attempts to kill her mother who unfortunately survives. Daddy saves the day and realizes what a holy terror he was raised. He is very disturbed by this knowledge and turns away from his crying daughter. Does she grab a garden tool and punish him for his betrayal?

No, no, a thousand times no. She simply bursts into tears and begs her Daddy to love her again. And that's how this film ended. No follow up or grand finale. Just tears and jeers for all. Avoid this film, you've been warned.

31 Days Of Horror #1: Trick Or Treat

2011-10-01T21:10:00.000-07:00

Welcome boys and ghouls as you all know I am a horror movie fanatic. In tribute to my favorite holiday Halloween, I will cover one horror per day until the big day. First on the chopping block is the 1986 lost classic, Trick Or Treat.

This movie was released on DVD in 2002 and quickly fell out of print. Unfortunately music copyright laws are preventing this film from being re released. Which is a shame since this is one of the most awesome horror films to come out of the '80s.

We meet metal head outcast Eddie (Marc Price) who is mourning the loss of his idol, Sammi Curr. A sympathetic DJ gives him a rare final record of Sammi's to be played on Halloween. The spirit of Sammi uses the record to contact Eddie, helping him exact revenge on his high school bullies. But when Sammi's plans progress from pranks to murder, it's up to Eddie to stop his idol before it's too late.

The movie avoids the pratfalls of just hiring pretty people who can't act, something that plagued most '80s horror films. Marc Price best known as Skippy from Family ties sheds the nerd image and puts in a likable performance. Doug Savant also plays against type as the main bully. The film is blessed by two metal gods, Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy is hysterical in a cameo as a priest decrying rock n roll. And he's oddly intelligible to boot. The actor who plays Sammi Curr, Tony Fields puts in a pretty scary performance. Not bad for a former Solid Gold dancer.

What's impressive about Trick or Treat is it's pacing, there's very few slow or pointless scenes. It also with the exception of one scene avoids the obligatory horror movie sex scenes. The kills are quite creative, one scene consists of Sammy blowing up another singer's head via microphone. The singer is played by Kevin Yagher who also did the special effects. He would later go on to providing special effects for Freddy Krueger and the Crypt Keeper.

If you are an '80s, horror or metal fan you must seek out this movie, it will be hard due to it's unavailability but worth it.

Surviving Sara Shepard

2011-09-11T22:52:00.000-07:00

It all started with Pretty Little Liars: The Series. Like Secret Life, I came for the adult actors and stayed for the rest. Who could resist a series that boasted the talents of Chad Lowe, Holly Marie Combs, and Laura Leighton?

The show centers around four teenage girls and the murder of their best frenemy, Allison. The girls find themselves blackmailed by someone claiming to be Allison. PLL treads dangerous waters focusing on a murder mystery right out the gate. Twin Peaks imploded after wrapping up the Laura Palmer storyline and Desperate Housewives suffered a little after the mystery of Mary Alice was solved.

The show manages to stay entertaining with a talented cast and unpredictable twists and turns. The show also earns points for giving the adult actors actual storylines and not wasting their talents.

Since I liked the show, naturally I read the series. The problem I had with the books was how stilted the writing was. For example "Emily waved 'bye to her mother and pulled up the blah jeans that were hanging on her skinny hips." I understand that these books are geared towards teenagers but give them some credit, they aren't stupid.

This series is nine books long each one more ludicrous than the last. It was a guilty pleasure that went ludicrous speed by book 5#. The main characters swapped partner's so quickly that you would need a scoreboard to keep track of who was with who. The storyline was wrapped up in book #8 where we learned that Allison had a psycho twin who impersonated her and that's who the dead body really was.

The popularity of the series brought new life to the books. The newest installment has the girls accidentally killing an Alli lookalike and are once again blackmailed yet again. Having not learned their lesson the first billion times around they become "A's" victims once more.

Luckily, I was not turned off from Sara Shepard's writing. If I had, I wouldn't have discovered the awesomeness of The Lying Game and it's sequel Never Have I Ever. The book centers around foster kid Emma who discovers that she has a long lost twin sister named Sutton. Unfortunately, Sutton's dead and Emma is blackmailed into taking her place as she tries to solve her sister's murder.

The books are perfect for a light summer read. It's unpredictable, it has great character development and keeps your interest until the very end. The bad aspect of the books is the incessant description and brand name dropping of all the clothes and gadgets the characters use. It starts to feel like you're reading a store catalog at times.

The books recently debuted as a series on ABC Family, the same channel that features Pretty Little Liars. The series ignores Sutton's murder and has the twins trading lives and searching for their long lost mother. I am on the fence about this show.

It does have the same twists that PLL has but unfortunately not the same caliber of acting. It's coveted adult cast is even lacking with the exception of Heroes star Adrian Pasdar and soap star Tyler Christopher who I adore.

Sara Shepard, you write teen novels that I can't get enough of. And they evolve into t.v shows I can't miss. I don't know whether I love that of hate that about you.

Summer Camp Nightmare or a.k.a Who the Hell is Marvin?

2011-08-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

Summer Camp Nightmare is another one of my "Holy Grail Movies." You know the films that you have wanted to see forever but could never find. Now I wish it had remained lost in the archives.

Don't let the advertising fool you, this film is not a slasher film. It's a very boring rehash of Lord of the Flies sans the pig head and latent homo erotic themes. We visit your typical '80s summer camp full of teenage counselors who want to drink and bone. There's a "mean" counselor named Mr. Warren, who of course, stands in the way of their summer debauchery.

One Manson-in-training camper named Franklin stages a bloodless coup and manages to lock up all the adults. Hooray, the counselors can finally drink and bone, expect for the scant few who still remember that they have small children to tend to. One of the children, Donald serves as a narrator recording the events onto a seemingly endless supply of blank cassettes.

Without rules, chaos prevails Mr. Warren is killed trying to escape and a rape occurs. Franklin, who now refers to himself as a General lets the rapist off the hook. The girls revolt and carry him off to the woods and according Donald he is never seen or heard from again. It seems like a cop out, the movie was fine with showing a woman getting raped but not with showing the rapist getting his comeuppance.

Eventually the cops show up and thanks to Donald's tapes, Franklin faces punishment for his misdeeds. The movie tries to paint him as a poor neglected teenager towards the end but it's too late, the character is just simply unlikable.

This movie is just boring, nothing really interesting happens until the middle of the film. The first part of the film tries and fails to flesh out the characters. The cast is relatively unknown save for soap star Melissa Reeves and Tom Fridley who is John Travolta's nephew.

There are huge plot holes throughout the film like why would a camp have so few adults in the first place? What about the rapist? Not to sympathize with the character but he was murdered by a group of "innocent" teenage girls. Are they going to be able to live with what they did? Do they hope his parents will simply forget he existed? What prompted the cops to show up at the end? How is it that no one even attempted to break out and get help? It's not like they were being closely watched. And why is there a letter on the poster from Marvin and no one named Marvin?

I guess not all "Holy Grail" movies can be as awesome as Jennifer, The Snake Goddess.

In Stepford, No one dreams of Jeannie

2011-08-09T01:49:00.000-07:00

If you have seen The Stepford Children, consider yourself lucky. This is one of many television films that fell through the cracks and never made it to DVD. You can find it online if you look though.

We meet the Harding family, Steven is a former resident of Stepford and moving back for a simpler life. He's accompanied by wife, Laura, and his two stereotypically '80s punk teenagers. Laura is played by the fabulous Barbara Eden.

Steven joins the fabled Men's Association who in addition to Stepfording their wives are tuning their teenagers to perfection. Steven fits in perfectly unlike his wife and kids. Laura is stunned by how vanilla her new town is, and ruffles feathers demanding changes.

The teens, David and Mary, stick out like sore thumbs at their perfect high school. David doesn't care, he has met Lois another wild teen whose mother has just drank the Stepford Kool-Aid. Mary however starts to question her individuality after suffering a series of humiliations at school. The trio attempt to loosen up their fellow students by blaring rock music at a school dance. The devil's music whips them into a frenzy and causes the teens to be arrested.

The Stepford men descend on Lois who calls David for help. They attempt to leave town but Lois is severely injured in a motorcycle accident. David sneaks into her hospital room and realizes that she is a robot. Laura begins to investigate the crash but they cops are unresponsive.

David meets the new and improved Lois and confides in his mother. They go to visit her parents and Laura notes the changes in Lois' mother. Laura returns home unaware that Steven has upgraded Mary in her absence.

Unnerved by her daughter's sudden change, Laura furthers her investigation. She learns that her hubby's first wife had died suddenly. She digs up her grave and uncovers a smashed up robot. She races home to learn that the Men's Association is looking for David. Mary 2.0 attempts to stab her mother but Laura manages to short circuit her and escapes.

The men are furious that David managed to escape. Mary breaks in and finds her real daughter but their escape is thwarted by the men. However, David shows up in the nick of time and they flee Stepford.

The films only real problem was how slow the movie progressed. It seemed like the saved the real action for the last 15 minutes of the film. It also ended really abruptly, it's kind of jarring. Barbara Eden is pretty awesome and the storyline was decent. It didn't try to rip off too much from it's predecessor, The Stepford Wives which I appreciated. All in all, the film is okay. Not the best in the world but it's watchable.

Whatever Mikey wants Mikey gets

2011-08-07T18:46:00.000-07:00

In the '90s, it was all about the killer child. You had such classics as Daddy's Little Girl and The Paperboy, even Macaulay Culkin got in on the action in The Good Son. Out of all of them, Mikey is hands down the best.

Rather than waste half the movie with long drawn-out suspense scenes, Mikey cuts right to the chase. His family doesn't make it past the first 15 minutes. Mikey is adopted by another family who have no idea who they brought into their home. Of course, once things don't go his way he resorts to some very tough love.

The most refreshing aspect of this movie is the death scenes, they are fairly realistic. These are kills that a young person could conceivably do. Some of the deaths in the other films would require the main character to have super human strength to pull it off.

The cast of the film are pretty fun too. Mikey is played by Brian Bonsell, who is known for his roles as Andy Keaton on Family Ties and Worf's son Alexander on STNG. Brian Bonsell is a perfect choice for Mikey. He can play innocent just as well as psycho and there some really chilling scenes in the film.

A pre-Melrose Place, Josie Bisset, plays a neighbor who unfortunately catches Mikey's eye. And there's some horror royalty with Whit Hertford, who played Jacob in Nightmare on Elm Street 5. They actually put in some fine performances despite the film's B movie status.

The film does lose points for having the obligatory sequel hook but then again what horror film doesn't? It may be a B movie but it's actually well done. Any fan of the slasher genre should check this out, it's worth it.

Lesson for the day: Child proof caps save lives.

2011-08-06T18:28:00.000-07:00

Now I feel the need to add a disclaimer before I proceed. I am in no way making fun of cyberbullying, it's a serious topic that can destroy a person's life. However, if you are going to make a movie about the subject, try not to make it a melodramatic mess.

We meet Taylor Hillridge, blond, well-liked, bright future, basically doomed. She is finally allowed to go online without her mother watching her every move. She joins a site called Clickster, which essentially Facebook with no rules and inexplicably no delete button.

Taylor meets a cute guy online who is everything she ever wanted (sound familiar) but soon turns on her. The high school lemmings follow suit and soon Taylor is considered the town whore. Not only that her best friend and other man of her dreams abandon her as well.

If things could not get worse, the viewers learn that her other best friend, Samantha created the dreamy guy's account in order to mess with Taylor. What possible reasons would she have to betray her best friend like that, you ask? Because Taylor liked a guy that Samantha didn't think was good for her. Apparently Samantha was wronged by a guy and sees all guys as the enemy.

Taylor reaches the breaking point and posts a video implying that she is going to kill herself. Samantha sees the video and races to Taylor's house with Taylor's mom and ambulances in tow. They throw open the bathroom door to find Taylor struggling with a child-proof cap. Yes, I am not kidding, her whole suicide was thwarted because she couldn't figure out the complicated dynamics of a child proof cap.

ABC Family, if you are trying to make me feel sympathy for the main character you failed.

So Taylor gets counseling and Samantha confesses her role in the whole cyberbullying thing. Samantha is soon the school's whipping girl but feels she deserved it. Samantha essentially gets away with what she did. No arrests, no one sues her, and Taylor still hangs out with her. A great message to young teenage girls out there.

Taylor and her mom commit themselves to making a anti-bullying law. Taylor publicly confronts the head mean girl and her fairweather friends and dream guy join her accompanied by other outcasts. Of course, the head mean girl falls off her pedestal and the Internet is safe again. There is even a montage of kids texting one another in joy. All that is missing is a rising rendition of "Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead"

Did anyone involved in this movie ever see the movie Heathers? Sure, the head mean girl might be dethroned, but someone else will just take her place. ABC Family had a great chance to shed some light on the issue but instead chose to make yet another unrealistic, melodramatic, teen movie.

True Blood: The Season of the Douche

2011-06-27T21:58:00.000-07:00

Season 4 of True Blood premiered last with an blend of awesomeness and ridiculousness. Let's start with Sookie's time in fairy land; hated it. The fairies were one of my favorite parts of the book series and it just came out as cartoonish at best. However, I did have a little giggle at Mr. Bill Lumbergh playing Sookie's grandpa, too bad his part was woefully short.

True Blood has time skipped one year which I love. Two of my favorite shows, Desperate Housewives and One Tree Hill improved due to time skips, and I hope it does the same for True Blood.

Jason is still fantastically boring, I didn't like him in the books either. Equally boring is Sam and his angsty relationship with his brother. Hopefully introducing more shifters might make him a sight more interesting. The boring also accompanies poor V-addicted Andy, crazy Arlene, and sadly, the show's golden couple, Hoyt and Jessica.

The whole Hoyt and Jessica thing ticked me off. We spent a whole season of Sturm und Drang before the couple got their happy ending. And first thing out the gate, they are at odds again. I know in television, happy couples are boring but would it kill them to give us a couple of happy episodes between the two?

There were some good aspects to the premiere. I am loving the cool, confident, Tara. This is the Tara we fell in love with in the first season before becoming the perpetual victim we all know and loathe. Thank God, she ditched that hideous afro she sported in the Season 3 finale. Jesus and Lafayette are adorable but I am not feeling the witchcraft storyline. Pam is always awesome but woefully underused, get that girl a storyline, quick.

And finally after seasons of teasing, Team Eric fans seem to be getting what they want. I may be in the minority but I never liked Bill and Sookie together. I never liked Bill, hence the douche remark. Oh yes, good old Bill, is in the mix as the King of Louisiana. Apparently his royal duties consist of playing hide the kielbasa with every available chick in Bon Temps. At least the books were kind enough to ship him off to Peru for awhile. I want Evan Rachel Wood back, she was my favorite.

I did catch next week's episode on HBOGO, don't worry I won't review that until next week. I do have to say I should have waited to catch it on television. The damn thing stalled every ten minutes and the video quality jumped from good to crappy multiple times. Just a warning to those who want to catch it online.

An Ode To My Dead MP3 Player

2011-06-25T20:53:00.000-07:00

I own a Dell DJ, well owned one, I should say. It was a ludicrously heavy silver behemoth that had been discontinued three years before I purchased it from eBay. It was bare bones, no video, no color screen, no hope of syncing with iTunes. But I loved it, it was my constant companion.

But without fanfare, it simply died. To my complete amusement, I realized that I had gone through the 5 stages of a grief.

Denial: It's not broken, the batteries just dead. I'll charge it overnight, yeah, that'll work. It must be the cord maybe I'll angle it in this direction. It must be my USB port, I'll plug it in my boyfriend's computer, it'll work then.

Anger: Why did you break down now? I have bills, I won't be able to afford one until next month. Why didn't you die when I got my tax return? Why did you die after I spent that Amazon gift certificate? Why? Why? Why? This sucks!! Why do these things always happen to me?

Bargaining: Just come on one more time. I'll press the reset button and you'll turn on again. I'll be able to rescue my music. Listen DJ, I don't wanna rip all those CDs again. Please, just one little spark is all I ask.

Depression: I really got to stop keeping you by my computer. I keep reaching for you and turning you on and nothing. I have no interest in purchasing new music. Exercising in silence is so boring. I can't keep you but I can't throw you away. You sit there silently mocking me.

Acceptance: Well, the Sony Walkman is kind of swanky. Good price. It'll be nice to have video functions even if I never use them. It might be nice to have something more technologically advanced. The warranty will be a nice change.

To my fallen musical comrade, you were a good investment. You survived countless falls to the floor, an impromptu puppy attack and an unfortunate trip through the washer and dryer. You managed to survive longer than any mp3 player ever had a right to. Why Dell stopped making you I'll never know. Farewell.

2011 Season In Review (Mild Spoilers)

2011-05-24T00:31:00.000-07:00

As another television season ends I'd share my thoughts on what I liked and hated this year

The ones to watch...

One Tree Hill is definitely the little show that could. It has run 8 seasons, half of them under the threat of cancellation. It managed to stay fresh and interesting despite the loss of two of their most popular cast members. It managed to introduce new characters successfully without shoving them down our throats.

I loved the Stalker Katie storyline, Brooke finally getting her happy ending, and the hit and run mystery. The only episode that really bugged me was the lame ass superhero storyline. Camp is one thing but it completely missed the tone of the show. I appreciate the show for sticking to continuity and not just flat out ignoring past storyline like a lot of shows do.

Thankfully CW is giving the show another season for a proper send off. My only request more Dan Scott, the show is lacking without him.

Desperate Housewives was phenomenal this season. It was definitely a nod to the first season with the return of Paul, Felicia, and Zack. And revisiting Andrew's hit and run storyline was a great choice. I miss Drea DeMatteo but was excited to see Vanessa Williams take her place. The problem is that Vanessa Williams doesn't do anything, she just stands in a corner firing out sarcastic quips. This woman is an amazing actress and needs to be utilized.

I liked Paul's storyline, Brian Austin Green's arrival as Bree's newest boy toy, and the resolution of the hit and run storyline. The baby switch storyline was a bust and I am glad they swept it under the rug. Susan is getting borderline ridiculous. I know the writer's want her to be wacky but there's a fine line between funny and annoying. But all in all good season.

True Blood hits it's pique of awesomeness last season. There was character development, intriguing storylines, and it's usual blend of blood, sex, and humor.

Bright spots include the hiring of Joe Manganiello as the werewolf Alcide. I love how the character of Tara has been allowed to evolve past a bitter victim and into more of a bad ass. James Frain was a hoot as Tara's psychotic vampire boyfriend, Russell, I almost wish they'd let him live. As a self professed member of Team Eric, I am thrilled that they are starting to move forward with their storyline. Also of note was exploring Sookie's darker Fae side.

I was not fond of Jason's storyline but then I have never really liked him. Lafayette was utterly and completely wasted. Sookie being taken away by the fairies at the end was cheesy and Bill's "power struggle" just did not fit his character. Also way too much time was devoted to Hoyt and Jessica's relationship as well as Sam's prodigal family.

True Blood returns June 26th on HBO. And you can view the new season's trailer here .

On the fence....

Glee is like that ex you can't quite give up. I should hate it. They employed Gwyneth Paltrow, my least favorite of all actresses. They couple swap so often that it's just irritating. And I'll be honest I can't stand any of the new characters. John Stamos was cool but underused. We need more upbeat story lines like last season and less angst.

But every once in awhile, I get sucked back in only to be disappointed.



Evicted from my DVR...

The very thing that attracted me to The Secret Life of the American Teenager was it's complete ludicrousness. I found their refusal to take themselves seriously. But sadly the very same ludicrousness is what is driving me away.

These characters are supposed to be teenagers but are concentrating more on babies and weddings than college or keggers. The show so did not need yet another teen pregnancy and the Ricky/Amy/Ben/Adrian love trapezoid is a snore. The others characters are not picking up the slack either.

Plus there is a severe lack of Molly Ringwald, the very reason I watched the show in the first place. I just can't watch anymore.

And there you have it. Questions? Rebuttals? Drop a comment.

The Valley Ain't That Sweet

2011-05-10T21:07:00.000-07:00

I consider myself an open-minded person especially when it comes to reboots. I'll see my favorite horror movies rebooted even though I know I'll hate them. I was probably one of the few people who actually liked the new Melrose Place. And when my childhood favorites grow up, I want to be there for it.

Sweet Valley Confidential was a good idea but poorly executed. The problem is that our much loved characters have grown up to be well, pricks. Sweet Valley was supposed to be the impossibly pleasant world we grew up reading, with logic and common sense put on the back burner.

The series picks up ten years after junior year. Elizabeth is a suffering writer living in New York. Jessica is still in California having stolen Todd from her twin. (Yet again.) The twins aren't talking, they are not even Facebook friends. Steven's gay. And almost everyone who ever left Sweet Valley has decided to move back. Oh and they use the word "fuck" way too often. Swearing is not a grownup trait.

The characters are bitter, depressing caricatures of their former selves. No one is happy nor does anyone end up truly happy. Everyone is rich, successful, and inexplicably child-free. Jessica is so whitewashed she is boring and Elizabeth's angst gets annoying after five pages. Winston Egbert, the sweetest most popular character of the series is destroyed. It's like the author hated these characters with a burning passion and wasn't about to hide it.

Let's talk about the author, Miss Francine Pascal. We're aware that she farmed off the series on ghostwriters so it makes sense that she may not know some of the details. And I doubt reading all the books was on her hit list. But they couldn't have hired a fact checker? Minor inconsistencies I can handle the mistakes in SVC are far from minor.

For instance, Suzanne Devlin allegedly died from a car accident after she mixed alcohol and MS medication. But wait, that didn't happen, she survived the car accident and it turns our her MS was a misdiagnoses. Remember when Cara moved to London and Steven moved on with Billie. No, you don't, because the books completely gloss over that storyline. But the character of A.J. Morgan is just mind-bogglingly wrong.

A.J. first appeared in the series as a sweet, Southern, redheaded boy who moved to Sweet Valley during junior year. He dated Jessica then quickly faded away after the author broke them up. Suddenly he morphs in a blond, bad boy, surfer boy who was in middle school with the twins. Characters names are even messed up, Lila's father and Mr Collin's son being two of the casualties. Seriously, a fact checker would not have been that expensive, there are major fans out there who would have done it for free.

The book totally rewrites the twins/Todd love story. Apparently Jessica and Todd never hooked up until college, ignoring countless furtive love affairs from the previous series'. The book wants us to believe that Todd and Jessica were meant to be. They even have three different perspectives of their first meeting to drive the point home. Elizabeth's supposed soul mate is Bruce Patman who's been in love with her forever. Yes, Bruce, the same guy that tried to rape her in a previous novel.

Finally, Sweet Valley, the chaste world of virginal teenagers incorporates sex in the series. And it isn't pretty. I don't want to think of Elizabeth's taut nipples, or her inexplicable crying during sex. Nor do I want the image of Todd watching porn to ever enter my mind again.

I wasn't expecting classic literature just a proper, sweet, revisit to a book series that I adored as a kid. Not a melodramatic poorly researched abomination. No, Francine, just no.

Have The Critics Stopped Screaming, Craven?

2011-04-28T23:33:00.000-07:00

I'll admit it, I was excited when I saw the trailer for Scream 4. I have seen all my favorite horror films rebooted and unimagined, it's getting old. Having the original director and original actors of Scream reuniting was like a breath of fresh air.

The film takes place 15 years after the events of Scream 1. Sydney is now survival girl pimping her latest book, when the murders start she becomes something she's never been before, a suspect. Dewey who is now a sheriff forces her to stay in Woodsboro until things clear up. Dewey and Gail are married which is kind of depressing when you remember that David Arquette and Courtney Cox are separated. Gail is bored with her small town life and suffering a case of writer's block.

Sydney becomes concerned when her niece becomes a target of the new and improved Ghostface. Yes, I said niece. Sydney gets some random family members shoehorned into a script, Maureen apparently had a sister. A sister that is strangely absent from the series considering Maureen and her death was a cornerstone of the original trilogy.

A major disappointment was the bevvy of known actresses who graced the trailer, Lucy Hale, Shanae Grimes, Anna Paquin, and Kristen Bell are only in the false openings of the films. Yes openings as in plural, one false start is cute but two that's just pushing it.

As with the other Scream films, people die, the teenagers are precocious and obnoxiously genre savvy, and a killer is revealed. I won't spoil the film with the revelation of the killer I will only say that is was tacked on and dull.

Logically, Sydney should have been the killer. Come on, for fifteen years, this character watched everyone near and dear to her slaughtered mercilessly. She had to kill her own brother and boyfriend. Death seemingly follows her wherever she goes, she's like a younger bustier Jessica Fletcher in that aspect. It certainly would of been a far more interesting ending.

Scream 4 isn't bad, it's just not too original and pushes too hard to be trendy and "with it." It's a nice way to spend a couple of hours but don't expect the wit and suspense that made Scream 1 such a hit.

Mary Ingalls Sees Dead People

2011-03-28T16:43:00.000-07:00

The true tragedy of Happy Birthday To Me is that it could have been a great movie. It had a good set-up, interesting plot, and a fantastic ending. To bad everything in the middle couldn't uphold those standards.

Our favorite prairie diva Melissa Sue Anderson, plays Virginia. Virginia is a shy, quiet, girl who is a part of an elite group of teens called the "Top Ten". Unfortunately for Virginia, she suffers memory loss due to a tragic car accident four years prior.

Soon, her friends begin falling prey to a mysterious albeit, creative murderer. Virginia begins to suffer blackouts and fears that she may be responsible for the possible murders of her friends. Is she the killer or is someone going to great lengths to frame her.

Happy Birthday To Me is probably one of the better slasher films of it's era, but it had the potential of being a classic. To start off with there is no character development, it's hard to tell them apart let care about them.

Like Sleepaway Camp, the majority of the characters are massively unpleasant. One of Virginia's "friends" even breaks into her house in order to steal her underwear. Don't worry, he's not a pervert, stolen panties apparently bring good luck in motorcycle races. The storyline gets convoluted and there are one too many red herrings for my taste.

Melissa Sue does well as Virginia, she expresses a great level of vulnerability and is enjoyable to watch. However, the film focuses too much on her neuroses and not enough on the plot. At one point, you wish she'd just spank her inner child and get on with it.

As I said before, the gem of this movie is the ending. It could've have come off as rushed and tacked on but the phenomenal acting makes up for it. It has a great downer ending that is pretty realistic to the plot. This film is a must see for any slasher fan if you have the patience to sit through the boring parts.

Retro Flashback: Bio-Dome

2011-03-18T23:48:00.000-07:00

After I saw Son-In-Law, I thought, "Good movie, maybe Pauly Shore's not that bad of an actor." After seeing his other films I amended that sentence. His other movies are truly bad but Bio-Dome is a disaster of epic proportions.

The film stars Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin as well, themselves, a couple of slacker stoners sharing a brain cell. Their girlfriends (yes, they get love interests and poor Joey Lauren Adams is one of them) are fed up with their lack of ambition and trick them into following them into the desert.

On their return home, they come across the Bio-Dome and promptly mistake it for a mall. Great security that government sponsored megadome has. They find themselves locked in with a group of scientists for a year. For some odd reason, merely letting them out would destroy the whole project and mercifully end the film.

At first, they are upset until their "selfless act" impresses their girlfriends and makes them popular. They basically waste an hour of the film doing stupid things and annoying the scientists. Kylie Minogue plays a scientist, yes, the goddess of pop, reduced herself to this treacle.

The head scientist played by William Atherton (how did this movie garner such a top-notch cast, was blackmail involved? Bribes?) gets fed up with them and ditches them in the Bio-Dome's desert area. The bumbling oafs find a key in one of the walls and escape. Of course, fear of losing everyone's respect leads them to not only return to the dome but decide to throw an eco-friendly rager.

They, of course, destroy the Bio-Dome but using their single brain cell and the litter left behind from the party, they salvage the project and become heroes. The head scientist snaps and attempts to blow up the Bio-Dome. Even though he's the "villain", it's hard not to root for the guy trying to kill Pauly Shore and the Diet Coke of the Baldwin brothers. Just one calorie, not Baldwin enough.

But the Bio-dome survives, nobody learns anything, and I die a little inside. Even a cameo by Tenacious D couldn't improve this film.

Getting To Happy: A Terry McMillan Novel

2011-03-18T23:23:00.000-07:00

I am a bad constant reader. Somehow I managed to miss the release of the new Terry McMillan novel. Not only that but the missed novel was a sequel to my favorite book Waiting to Exhale.

A lot of readers complained about this book, they describe it like a literary snuff film, depressing being the main words. Yes, there are dark moments but there are also light ones as well. McMillan has always had the gift of maintaining a balance between the two.

The books picks up fifteen years after Waiting and things have definitely changed for four main characters. Bernadette is a bitter divorce', Gloria is a recent widow, Savannah is trapped in a boring marriage, and Robin is still searching for Mr. Right in the Internet age.

A lot of reviewers complained about the changes in this novel. They didn't want to see their favorite characters die or end up with a less than happy ending. But, that's the point of a sequel, if you don't want the story to change, then don't read it.

Getting to Happy provides a wonderful blend of new and old characters, a realistic evolution to the previous installment and avoids the tacked on happy ending that plague so many novels.

What really impressed me about the novels was the author's approach to the character of John, Bernie's unfaithful hubby. John evolves from the "bad guy" to a likable, if flawed character without whitewashing (no pun intended) his past behavior. Robin's "lying sneaking whorish Pisces" boyfriend Russell receives a similar treatment, also without ignoring the past. Robin's storyline is my particular favorite as she finally gets the happily ever after that she so truly deserved.

The only storyline that didn't ring true was Gloria's daughter-in-law, Nickida. I understand that the book needed an antagonist but all her scrapes and troubles came off as Soap Operish and one dimensional. It could have trimmed down considerably.

Overall, if you enjoyed Waiting to Exhale or McMillan's work in general, then you'll enjoy this one. As long as you're an adventurous reader unafraid of change, that is.

Sweet Valley University: Don't Answer The Phone

2011-02-21T15:48:00.000-08:00

   There's good news and bad news. The good news is that I found a rare Sweet Valley book that is 97% Wakefield free. The bad news is that's all about Enid, baby.

    Alexandra (Don't Call Me Enid) Rollins is finally in a good place. She's popular, in love, and free from the shadow of St. Elizabeth. But she constantly fears that Enid will rear her ugly head and destroy everything she's worked for.

    Alexandra works a teen help line where she begins to receive threatening calls by a guy named Travis. Travis is in love with Enid and determined to "kill" Alexandra in order to protect her. Things get worse when he brutally murders another sorority girl who he mistakes for Jessica. Whoever authored this book is a sick puppy, after he murders the girl he rips earrings out of her ears and sends the flesh covered Valentine to Enid.

   Anyone who wants to murder a Wakefield twin, the line forms to the left. Yes, Jessica appears in this novel. The killer blames her and Lila for corrupting Enid. Jessica only appears in a couple of paragraphs. St. Elizabeth is only referenced in two sentences but never actually appears.

Alexandra is also having trouble with her boyfriend, Noah. She believes that he is in love with Enid not her. If this was a better book, Enidzandra would have a split personality or being impersonated by an evil lookalike but no, she just has an angsty, emo, personality conflict.

So who is Enidzandra's bloody Valentine? Is it Noah, her increasingly paranoid boyfriend? Fred, the a-hole leader of the teen hotline? Luke, the sensitive art student whom Alexandra is attracted to?

   The answer is Luke who like Enidzandra is suffering from a personality crisis. TravLuke kidnaps Alex with the intention of freeing Enid from her via a knife. Noah attempts to save her but gets kidnapped at well. Enid gets the upper hand and defeats TravLuke.

   Noah and Enidzandra make up when he proves that he loves Alex not Enid. Um, ghostwriter, they are the same damn person. And he never even met her during her nerdy, mousy, years as Enid. Why would that even be a plot point?

     The book abruptly ends on that note, no explanation for TravLuke. No real resolution for Enidzandra and her personality troubles. No calling the cops since there is a dead body they have to account for. Just a pathetic kiss as the two walked off into the sunset.

Sarah T. - Portrait Of A Teenage Alcoholic

2011-02-09T21:19:00.000-08:00

Sarah T. Portrait of a Teen-Age Alcoholic is essentially a retelling of Go Ask Alice, only with booze. Our favorite possessed moppet Linda Blair plays Sarah who has just moved to a new town. She is insecure about everything until she makes a new friend,vodka.

   Sarah is set up on a pity date with Ken (a pre Star Wars Mark Hamill) who takes her to a party. Sarah is a wallflower until she gets drunk and "charms" the party goers with a off key version of Carole King's It's Too Late. What is it with 70s drug/drinking propaganda films ruining classic songs. Don't get me started on Go Ask Alice and their audio murder of Jefferson Airplane.

Unfortunately, Ken has to take a wasted Sarah home and even endures the wrath of her parents. He still falls for her and the two begin dating. Despite this, Sarah continues to drink even letting the maid get fired rather than admit she's stealing booze.

   Ken wants her to stop so she attempts to. She attends an AA meeting but decides that she isn't an alcoholic and doesn't need help. This from the girl who spiked her AA punch with vodka. The movies even trots out an adorable 11 year old alcoholic to really drive the point home.

   Sarah is stuck babysitting and invites Ken over. She realizes that Ken has been seeing other girls, the two fight and he storms off. Bye bye, sobriety, Sarah celebrates with a bottle of elderberry wine. She ends up passing out and getting caught by the child's parents.

Screw you, Mark Hamill

Sarah's mom and step dad finally take an interest in their wayward child and punish her. Sarah wants to live her real father whom she idolizes. Of course, Daddy Dearest is a slacker with a drinking problem of his own. Sarah is devastated when he refuses to take her in.

Yes that is Larry Hagman and his Chia beard.

Sarah goes on a drinking spree, it's even implied that she trades sexual favors for a bottle of vodka. She hides out in Ken's barn and steals his horse. She promptly rides the horse onto the freeway and gets hit by a car. Sarah survives but the horse has to be put down. And Ken most likely won't be taking Sarah to prom.

Sarah is not arrested nor is she even put in rehab. But she realizes that she is an alcoholic and walks off into the sunset with her fellow AA members. The moral of this movie: Don't drink and ride bareback. God, I need a drink.

Jennifer, The Snake Goddess

2011-01-09T23:45:00.000-08:00

   Jennifer a.k.a Jennifer the Snake Goddess was my holy grail of movies. I learned of this film's existence in one of Leonard Maltin's movie guides and was instantly intrigued. The movie and I shared a name and was also released the same year I was born.

    But the film remained elusive to me for many years, until one happy day I stumbled across a copy. A lot of people refer to this as a rip off of Carrie which was released two years prior. I don't see it, while it shares a similar plot it is a far superior movie.

    To start with the main character is more admirable than Carrie. She is no wilting violet languishing in a corner, she is a stronger and more intense heroine. Jennifer is played by Lisa Pelikan who deserved a better career than Ghoulies and Return to Blue Lagoon.

    Jennifer is a poor rural farm girl with a scholarship to an elite private school. Of course, that automatically makes her the school whipping boy. Her main nemesis is Sandra, an untouchable politician's daughter who is far more psychotic than any bully Carrie had to offer. Unfortunately for the mean girls, Jennifer has a special power that she has been trying to suppress for years.

    Carrie was an okay film with some iconic scenes and great cinematography but was also marred by some horrid soundtrack choices and rampant over acting. Jennifer, however took itself seriously, there's no gore, no cheap scares tacked on at the end. This movie's horror was more subtle than scary. There's actual character and plot development. No blood or unnecessary nudity. A pleasure to watch.

     The movie was not 100% perfect, the film loses points during the big climax. This is the only point in the film where I agree with the rip off theory. Jennifer's psychotic death by jazz hands routine was painful to watch. And the snakes were bottom barrel special effects, and I don't mean by today's standards either. Come on this was the era of Star Wars and Jaws, they could have been slightly better.

    But all in all, Jennifer is well done horror film and twice as good as Carrie. I'd recommend it to any '70s horror movie enthusiast.

UnSweetined or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the eBook

2010-12-13T13:31:00.000-08:00

I'll be the first to admit that I didn't think much of eBooks. I regarded them as impersonal and rather unnecessary. I never really gave them much though until the day I accidentally bought one. The verdict: Not that bad. I had the instant gratification of reading it right away and it was refreshingly cheap. The PC app that Barnes & Noble had also came with Pride and Prejudice, Dracula, and Little Women, completely free so double bonus.

   UnSweetined is a refreshing change from the usual memoirs that child stars are known to produce. It's not a sleazy tell all exposing the secrets of her co-workers for profit. Nor is it a I-Did-Drugs-But-It's-Not-My-Fault whinefest that's been so overdone.

    Jodie tells you exactly how it was going from unknown child to sitcom star and all the bad things it can bring. Being teased at school, people slipping autograph books under toilet stalls, and even cursed out by a "fan" for not signing an autograph. This book is probably the first book by a child star that made me truly understand how difficult it was.

   The thing that really made me think was that at the age of 14, her career was considered over. Imagine a career over at the age where most kids are getting their first jobs. Also, refreshing is how she approaches her drug/alcohol abuse. Most people blame everyone and everything for their drug use, Jodie is smart enough to accept responsibility for her actions.

    This memoir definitely ranks high on the list. It's honest, enlightening, and doesn't stoop to the level of the gossipy trash memoirs that seem to be littering the bookshelves lately. Whether you are or aren't a fan of Full House, I would recommend this book. It's worth the read.

Retro Flashback: Drop Dead Fred

2010-12-08T22:16:00.000-08:00

Drop Dead Fred is probably one of the most surreal movies I've ever seen. No, I am not talking about the plot. I am talking about the fact that this vulgar little gross out flick managed to garner such a top-notch cast.

   Fred centers around a young, childish woman named Lizzie (Phoebe Cates) who in one day loses her husband, car, and job in a single day. Forced to return to her domineering mother, she accidentally releases her long captive imaginary friend; Drop Dead Fred.

   With predicable results, Fred totally destroys what's left of Lizzie's life and she spends the rest of her life in an insane asylum. Just kidding. Of course, she becomes a strong independent woman who tells her hubby and mother where to stuff it. She gets a love interest five seconds later, because movies hate female characters who could actually live a happy life sans relationship. And Fred moves on to improve some other child's life.

    I am not sure what the creators of this film intended it to be. Was it a kid's film or an adult's film? Certainly it was aimed at children with it's near manic use of fart jokes and slapstick comedy. However the sexual jokes and the psychological abuse inflicted at the main character are certainly not kid-friendly.

    The most puzzling part of this film is the star power this silly little film managed to get. The great Marsha Mason forced to play fourth banana to the love child of Yahoo Serious and Jim Carrey? Try not to cringe when Carrie Fisher yells at an empty chair thinking it's Fred. Or the cute and talented Phoebe Cates ending her iconic career on this note. Well, Drop Dead Fred merely stunned her career, Princess Cariboo delivered the death blow.

True Confessions Of A Go-Go Girl

2010-11-15T19:05:00.000-08:00

    Attention Lifetime: Next time just have the balls to do a movie about a stripper and save us a lot of pain. We meet plain Jane (Chelsea Hobbs) who commits the grievous sin of forgoing law school in order to (gasp) act. Her parents are against the idea so they refuse to support her decision.

    Jane meets some random ~~stripper~~ go-go dancer named Angela. Angela informs Jane that guys will pay lots of money to see a girl dance fully clothed. At the same time her acting professor wants her to create an alternate persona as an assignment. Jane considers this the best of both worlds and throws herself into it.

    Jane now flush with cash moves in with Angela whose druggie boyfriend has just stolen all her cash. Jane indulges her bad girl behavior at night while trying to keep her head above water. She is such a bad girl that she starts wearing black clothing and pleasuring her boyfriend in public. Unfortunately her new found persona falls flat at school as she is tempted to take drugs but doesn't.

    Angela continues to fall apart and becomes increasingly jealous of Jane's success. She gets fired for showing up high and flashing her bosoms. Jane and Angela audition at a higher end club that's less go-go and more ho-ho. Angela is told to get a boob job and Jane is offered a job which only fuels Angela's jealousy.

    Jane takes the job and continues to keep it from her boyfriend. She confides in Donna, an older go-go dancer that he just wouldn't understand. Donna is played by Rachel Hunter. What the hell happened to poor Rachel that she would be reduced to treacle like this?

Unfortunately, Jane's father and boyfriend show up at the strip club and catch her big debut. Here's a question: Why would her boyfriend and father be going to strip clubs together? Kind of creepy if you ask me. Her father begs her to quit and promises to pay her not to strip and her boyfriend dumps her.

    Jane finds out that Angela is working a sleazy club sans her top. Oh, the horror, the unfathomable horror. She promises to quit if Jane joins her for a bachelor party. Like a moron, Jane accompanies her to a storage room full of drunk middle aged men. The unthinkable happens, one of the men has the audacity to treat Jane like a sex object. Angela is forced to mace a party goer and the girls make their escape.

     Due to her unexplained absences and overall bad acting, Jane is kicked out of acting school. Angela dies from a botched boob job. I am not kidding. A botched boob job. Lifetime just hit a new low in melodramatic stupidity.

     Jane learns the error of her dirty sinful ways but learns that Angela stole her mother's earrings and pawned them. Donna loans her the money to buy them back and Rachel Hunter dies a little inside. Jane confesses everything to her clueless mother who can't understand how her little girl could fail so epically.

     Everybody forgives Jane including her acting professor and Jane hangs up her stripper heels. She passes her class, reunites with her boyfriend, and learns a larger lesson in life.

    Seriously, Lifetime, seriously? Go-go dancing? You couldn't have just made it about a stripper? The main character spends her half the movie writhing on stage but don't you dare treat her like a sex object. And we're supposed to believe that men will waste hard earned money on a fully clothed woman, they can see that for free.

     And Rachel, all is forgiven, this awful movie wasn't your fault.

"Give me chocolate or I will cut you"

2010-10-26T21:48:00.000-07:00

Glee. Rocky Horror. Two things that should have gone together like white on rice. How could something so potentially good go so so wrong.

Let's start with the sanitizing of the content. If you are going to pay tribute to a popular adult musical then you better have the cajones to do it right. Glaringly obvious during Emma and Will's rendition of "Toucha Toucha Touch Me"

"I thought there’s no use getting into heavy sweating"

"Then if anything shows while you pose"

So words like heavy petting and if anything grows is considered to risque for FOX. FOX! The home of such ribald pleasures such as Family Guy and American Dad. Seriously?

Then there is the serious miscasting. Mercedes steps up to fill the shoes of Frank N Furter and fails miserably. Granted the actress who plays Mercedes has a phenomenal voice, but she is all wrong for the role. John Stamos, Kurt, or even Sue would have been a better choice for the part. Other dishonorable mentions go to Quinn in the role of Magenta. Magenta is supposed to be dark and sultry, not bland and sweet.

There were some good moments John Stamos got to do a number, Sue was hysterical, and Kurt made an awesome Riff Raff. It even featured a cameo by Rocky alumni Meatloaf and Barry Bostwick The subplots were so-so dealing with male body image and Will and Emma's angsty romance yet again.

My belief is that if you are going to pay tribute to an iconic musical, stay true to the material. Don't sanitize, butcher, or modernize it. Treat with the respect it so obviously deserves. Case in point, I present to you the butchering of Time Warp.

Lost Boys 3: The Thirst

2010-10-24T17:36:00.000-07:00

It's time to forget about Lost Boys 2: The Tribe (except for my fab review of course). The Thirst is the true sequel to the 1987 classic.

   The films reunites Lost Boys stars Corey Feldman and Jamison Newlander as the now grown up Frog brothers. Edgar Frog is a destitute vampire hunter who is approached by a vampire romance writer whose brother has been kidnapped. Yes, the film pokes a bit of fun at Twilight but then again who wouldn't?

Upon investigation, Edgar learns that a vampire DJ is using vamp's blood in order to create his own vampire army. With the reluctant help of his now vamped out brother, Alan, Edgar prepares to face the head vampire and save the world.

   Lost Boys 2 was okay but it seemed very loosely linked to the original. Lost Boys 3 is all about the original and not just with the actors. They quote the original film and tell you the fates of the characters of Michael, Starr, and Laddie. It's not only a movie but a kind-hearted tribute to fellow Lost Boys actor, Corey Haim who died recently. Numerous flashback scenes of him and the Frog brothers feature in the film. Yes, there is a version of Cry Little Sister in this as well, just not as cool as the original by G Tom Mac.

This film doesn't have all the charm of the original but it's still fun. It's like Lost Boys with a bit of Blade and James Bond thrown in. It's action-packed and funny and a must see for any fan of the original film. I have seen a lot of '80s films given terrible straight to DVD sequels but The Thirst isn't one of them.

   I'll admit it, when the obligatory, tacked on, hinting at future sequel scene came on, I was excited. Based on how good this film is, I would definitely welcome a Lost Boys 4. And oddly I felt that long dormant teenage crush of Corey Feldman coming back again.

Suck

2010-10-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

Suck is a refreshing addition to the vampire genre. For way too long, vampires have been approached with just too much angst and not enough fun. Remember fun vampire films such as Lost Boys, Once Bitten and My Best Friend Is A Vampire?

Suck brings back the fun of the vampire genre. It centers around a mediocre rock band who are (pardon the pun) dying to get their big break. Their big break comes in the form of bassist, Jennifer, who gets turned into a vampire. As the band slowly join the ranks of the undead, their career takes off and it looks like nothing can stop them. Except for a rabid vampire hunter (Malcolm McDowell) and the lead singer's choice of whether to make it big or stay alive.

Suck is funny and intelligent with a lot of wonderful one liners. The music is awesome and the cast is one of the most top notch casts I have seen in a long while. Iggy Pop, Henry Rollins, Moby, Alice Cooper, and Malcolm McDowell, how many other movies can boast that cast. Jennifer is played by Jessica Pare who was wonderful in Lost and Delirious and Matt Foley is hysterical. I was suprised to see Mike Lobel who I loved on Degrassi show up in the film as the band's drummer.

To future vampire movie creators, take note of this movie. This is the way to go. Insert more humor, more vampire pride if you will. I think fans of the vampire genre have had their fill of whiny pretty boys who do nothing but angst and brood. It's about time that we, the movie viewers get something that's dark without being depressing, or funny without resorting to repulsive body humor.

Suck stays original even up to the very end, it doesn't portray vampirism as this awful horrible thing that most vampire films would have done. If you like intelligent comedy and want to go back to the days where vampire movies were actually fun, then Suck is definitely a must rent movie.

What Jessie Spano Did On Her Summer Vacation

2010-10-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

It's every teen idol's worst nightmare, being stereotyped and forced to play the same tired role for all eternity. All a male actor has to do is take a serious role as a drug dealer or cop and all is forgiven. A female actress unfortunately has to go slutty to get that same respect. Alyssa did it, Drew did it, but Elizabeth Berkeley took it one step forward. After Showgirls, people not only forgot Saved By The Bell, they forgot about Elizabeth as well.

Elizabeth plays Nomi Malone (No Me I'm Alone) a dancer with a dream. The movie opens up with her hitchhiking to Vegas. She is promptly picked up a guy who is already mentally preparing his Dear Penthouse letter. Nomi dashes those hopes with a switchblade and even insults his choice of music in the same breath.

Nomi's so-called street smarts evaporate when he claims that his uncle is a big muckedty muck at casino who can get her her dream job. She leaves her suitcase in his truck and goes off to gamble while he makes her dreams come true. She realizes soon enough that she has been scammed.

Nomi must have the most awesome suitcase ever. A guy gave her ten dollars in order to distract her in order to steal it. Nomi becomes unhinged and starts beating up the car next to her. The car's owner, Arlene, tries to stop her. Nomi promptly gets sick and then tries to throw herself in traffic. Seriously, what is in that suitcase.

Arlene sees this emotionally unstable drifter and thinks only one thing, perfect roommate material. Within weeks, they are super best friends. Nomi's a dancer at a sleazy strip club and Arlene works for a casino as a costume designer. Nomi attends one of the shows and meets Cristal (Gina Gershon) who insults Nomi's work. She promptly runs out and whales on Arlene's car again. That poor abused car.

She blows off work to go dancing in a club. When I say dancing, I mean something that's a cross between the Robot and the Macarena with some jazz hands for flair. Some dude named James tries to pick her up earning him a kick in the danger zone. Despite that, he still bails her out after she gets arrested.

Cristal shows up at the club with her agent/manager (Kyle MacLachlan) Zack in tow. She forces Nomi to give Zack a private dance with a happy ending. This scene is disturbing for me because essentially I am watching Jessie Spano give a lap dance to Orson Hodge. Cristal gives her the money implying, yet again, that's she's a whore. Well if it looks like a duck and acts like a duck.....

So the movie goes into a long boring 45 minutes consisting of Nomi slowly slutting her way to the top, James telling Nomi not to sell out before he then sells out, an epileptic love scene in a swimming pool and finally Cristal and Nomi's creepy love/hate relationship.

Nomi finally shoves Cristal down a flight of stairs and takes her place as the headliner of the show. Arlene is disgusted on how low her friend has stooped. She begs Arlene to forgive her and attend her premiere party. Arlene hooks up with her favorite rock star who like everyone else in this film (including the script writer and director) turns out to be a sadistic pervert. He puts Arlene in the hospital.

Of course, since the rock star is also a headliner, he is being protected by Zack. Zack plans to pay off Arlene and then tells Nomi that he knows that she used to be a hooker. There were about a half dozen scenes in this film where someone implies that she's a hooker and she gets offended. What was the point? Were they trying to make Nomi look less trashy in the film? If so, they failed.

Nomi won't allow that and exerts her own brand of slut justice on the rock star. She heads to the hospital to bid goodbye to Cristal and Arlen before hitchhiking off into the sunset. And you'll never guess who picks her up, yes the same sleazebag from the start of the films.

His trucks ricochets off to Hollywood as a knife happy Nomi demands to know where her special suitcase is.

Sorry for the month of blog silence. The boyfriend and I have decided to sell our house and move from Cali to Washington. No one told me that the act of selling a house can be so time consuming. But I'm back and there will be more entries to follow.

The Halloween Movie Guide

2010-09-02T12:34:00.000-07:00

First it was Friday The 13th. Then came Nightmare On Elm Street. Now I present to you the Halloween movie guide.

Halloween (1978): In 1963, a young boy named Michael Myers brutally murders his older sister. 15 years later he escapes back to his hometown with his psychiatrist in hot pursuit.

The Good: This is the granddaddy of the slasher film genre. It laid out the rules that other horror movies would follow for decades later. Without Halloween, there would have been no Jason, Freddy, or Chucky haunting the cinemas. The film boasts some top-notch acting, some genuine scares and a memorable soundtrack.

The Bad: Absolutely nothing.

Notable Stars: Donald Pleasence, Jamie Lee Curtis, P.J. Soles & Kyle Richards.

Halloween 2 (1983): The unkillable Michael Myers continues his reign of terror in the unsuspecting town of Haddonfield. But some unexpected family ties may cause danger for one of his victims.

The Good: Still helmed by director John Carpenter, the movie does have some suspenseful and memorable moments. Jamie Lee Curtis and Donald Pleasence are wonderful and really improve a slightly mediocre sequel. There is also a television version of this film with cut scenes that better explain the film, a must watch if you can find it.

The Bad: Halloween 2 takes place the very same evening that Halloween ended on. With three years having past between films, the actors have grown older. It's hard to suspend disbelief with this film. The kills are gorier but less scary.

Notable Stars: Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Pleasence, Dana Carvey, and Billy Warlock.

Halloween 3: Season Of The Witch (1982): A mask maker schemes to kill all the children on Halloween night.

The Good: This movie is not a bad movie nor is it the greatest. This film is best known as the Halloween without Michael Myers. Halloween was never intended to be a slasher franchise, it was supposed to be an anthology featuring a new big bad in every film. But the studios wanted another Michael Myers movie and the die was cast. The movie unfairly suffered due to the backlash.

The Bad: The mask company's theme song. An insipidly evil ditty that becomes trapped in your head never to escape.

Notable Stars: No one. It is rumored that Jamie Lee Curtis did a voice only cameo in the film.

Halloween 4: The Return Of Michael Myers (1988) After 10 years of being locked up, Michael escapes and heads back to Haddonfield.

The Good: This is what a Halloween movie should be, suspenseful, scary, action packed. Donald Pleasence reprises his role as Dr. Loomis. Jamie Lee Curtis is gone but replaced by two of the greatest scream queens Ellie Cornell and Danielle Harris. It also has one of the most powerful endings in horror movie history

The Bad: I understand that every slasher film needs a bimbo character to show her goods. But the one they cast in Halloween 4 is especially annoying. Any scene with her is a scene too many. The whole teen love triangle subplot was too soap opera like and was not right for the field.

Notable Stars: Donald Pleasence, Ellie Cornell, Danielle Harris, and Sasha Jensen

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989) Michael Myers is still killing, but will the audience care?

The Good: Donald Pleasence and Danielle Harris reprise their roles. This upgrades the film from intolerable to mildly tolerable.

The Bad: Let's see a rushed and confusing storyline with many plot holes hanging. Ellie Cornell is killed off seconds after she appears. The cast is one of the most annoying, unappealing, and virtually talentless group of people I have ever seen. Halloween 4 was gold and to follow that film with this is a slap in the face to all horror fans.

Notable Stars: Donald Pleasence, Danielle Harris, and Ellie Cornell.

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995) After seeing Halloween 5, I said "Well the series can't get any worse." I was wrong.

The Good: Donald Pleasence returns, giving it the old college try.

The Bad: Another poorly thought out script. Thorn Cults! Danielle Harris doesn't return but her character Jamie does. Thorn Cults! Unlikable characters. Did I mention the damn Thorn Cult? Thorn Cult, Thorn Cult, Thorn Cult! Gahhhhhhh!

Notable Stars: Donald Pleasence, and Paul Rudd
Halloween H20 (1998) Jamie Lee Curtis returns to her rightful place in the series. The audience breathes a sigh of relief.

The Good: Again, this is what a Halloween should always be. Suspenseful, scary, with a talented cast and coherent script. There are great cameos and even a nod to the late Donald Pleasence who passed away after Halloween 6.

The Bad: The movie retcons every that happened since Halloween 2. While it erases the horrid world of haunted masks and thorn cults, it also eliminates the existence of Danielle Harris' character, Jamie. I wish they could have kept the character but oh well. It was a small price to pay in order to have a decent Halloween movie.

Notable Stars: Jamie Lee Curtis, Josh Hartnett, Michelle Williams, LL Cool J, Jodi Lynn O'Keefe, Janet Leigh, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Halloween Resurrection (2002) The last nail in the coffin for the original series. It ended with a whimper, not a bang.

The Good: Jamie Lee Curtis is kind enough to reprise her role in order to give her character a final send off. It's not the worst Halloween movie in the world. It lacks the suspense of the better films but is still a good watch. Busta Rhymes is hysterical and proves that a singer can be an actor and not fail.

The Bad: If movie producers want to make a million movies about killer Internet/phone/videos, they have my blessing. Just keep the tech-horror out of the slasher genre. The whole Internet reality show plot came off as a desperate attempt to appear cutting edge and trendy.

Notable Stars: Jamie Lee Curtis, Busta Rhymes, Sean Patrick Harris, Katee Sackhoff, Thomas Ian Nichols, and Tyra Banks.

The Rob Zombie Halloween Series has already been reviewed. In my opinion those are a reboot and like the Friday The 13th and Nightmare On Elm Street guides, reboots really have no place in the original series.

10 Things I Learned From Watching Little House On The Prairie

2010-08-10T17:37:00.000-07:00

Damn you, Hallmark channel!

1. Kidnapping Is Not Illegal: If you kidnap a child in Walnut Grove, you are in luck. As long as you are super sorry and learn a larger lesson in life you are forgiven (and never seen again).

For example in My Ellen, a young girl named Ellen Taylor drowns while swimming with Laura and Mary. The grief-stricken Mrs. Taylor eventually kidnaps Laura and keeps her in the cellar. Laura is rescued and Mrs. Taylor accepts her daughter's death. Nothing happens to Mrs. Taylor nor is the kidnapping incident ever mentioned.

In Bless All The Dear Children, Laura's baby is kidnapped by a woman who desperately wants a baby. Of course, they get her back. The kidnapper not only gets off scott free but receives a conciliatory orphan. Speaking of orphans......

2. He Followed Me Home Can I Keep Him: Why bother kidnapping kids when orphans are easier to get than a carnival goldfish? Pa meets Albert, a little street urchin and promptly takes him home. No signing papers or anything official.

In the two-parter Remember Me, Charles has to find homes for the orphaned Sanderson children. Grace Snider wants to adopt them but she is unmarried. As the prospective parents come for the children, Mr. Edwards swoops in with a proposal. Nobody gets mad at Mr. Edwards for bogarting the orphans.

3. Pa Ingalls Fails As A Fighter: We all remember Charles Ingalls as a man quick to throw a punch defending his family. But how many fights do you remember him winning? For example Bully Boys and As Long As We're Together, he gets the crap kicked out of him and his friends have to finish the job.
In Child Of Pain and Town Party/Country Party, Charles meddles in some guy's life and a fight ensues. However mid-fight the guy realizes that Charles was right to interfere and apologizes.

4. Spare The Rod And Tell Her She's Pretty: How do you deal with a bitch like Nellie. A tornado of spoiled evilness destroying everything in her path. Beatings don't work, neither does punishment or humiliation. How do you tame the beast? Tell her she's pretty.
In He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, Nellie meets Percival who's supposed to teach her to cook. Fed up with her diva ways, he tells her off then tells her she's pretty. Instant bitch removal ensues and Nellie never shows signs of her old behavior.

5. The Original Full House: Half of Little House's episodes deal with the Ingalls encountering some financial issue. The farm is always thisclose to failing. Pa is continually doing as many odd jobs as possible to keep the family afloat.
What do you do when you live in a one room shack with three children and barely enough money to feed them? Adopt two more. In The Lost Ones, Charles adopts the recently orphaned James and Cassandra and welcome them to his happy poverty stricken little home.

6. Little Town In The Bermuda Triangle: Walnut Grove is supposedly a small town where everybody knows everyone. Yet dozens upon dozens of characters are suddenly introduced only to vanish, never to be heard from again.

Where are the townspeople going? Indians? Eaten by wolves? Has Mrs. Oleson gone into the meat pie business? Inquiring minds want to know.

7. The Ingalls Played Favorites: In I'll Ride The Wind, Charles has no problem allowing a 13 year old Mary to get engaged to John Edwards. But when a 15 year old Laura wants to marry Almanzo, Charles flips out fighting the couple every inch of the way. He even insists that she wait until she turns 18.

Also in Sweet Sixteen, Charles begins to accept Almanzo and Laura as a couple. Caroline says that she is "dying to call him Grandpa." So we're just gonna pretend that Mary didn't have a son who died in a fire. Pretty insensitive.

8. Pa Fails As A Farmer: This guy could barely keep a houseplant alive, let alone maintain a farm. His crops have been destroyed by heavy rain, hail, and even a tornado. And when did he have the time to do all that farming when he is doing odd jobs in order to feed his family.

9. Did They Have To Blow Up The Whole Town?: In The Last Farewell, evil landowners claim the town of Walnut Grove. Deciding that they can take the town but not their homes and businesses, the town blows everything up. Other towns vow to take the same action if the landowners try to take their towns. The landowners back down and the town of Walnut Grove walks off into the sunset.

Happy ending? An entire town is now homeless, jobless, and likely to never see one another again. What a way to end the series.

10. Family Friendly Programming: Let's see dead babies, kidnappings, blizzards, fires, people constantly dying and mime rapists. Little House On The Prairie makes an average Lifetime stalker movie look like The Bernstein Bears.

And I wasn't joking about the rapist mime.

The Runaways

2010-08-08T23:36:00.000-07:00

I admit I was a little leery about watching this. I am a huge Joan Jett fan and was afraid this movie would be an exploitative hack job.

The film's trailer would have you believe that it's nothing but sex and scantily clad women with a little rock thrown in. The film however is very sensitive to it's subjects and avoids being just another rags to riches story.

I had concerns about the casting of Kristen Stewart, Dakota Fanning, and Scout Taylor Thompson. I had yet to see a movie with Kristen and Scout that I actually liked and I am still trying to accept Dakota Fanning as a grown-up. But after seeing this I have to say I am seeing all three actresses in a new light.

Kristen was especially impressive, in looks, mannerisms, and voice, she embodied Joan Jett. Scout made a great Lita Ford, but due to Lita's refusal to participate, she is barely seen. Dakota as wild child Cherie Currie steals the film. If she can avoid the pratfalls of other teen stars there's no telling how amazing an actress she can become.

Other actors in the film are Riley Keough, Tatum O'Neal, and Michael Shannon. Michael plays the girls manager, Kim Fowley. He is hysterical and almost every line he utters is comic gold.

Another impressive point was their handling of the much touted lesbian scene between Joan and Cherie. Instead of being some Skinemax wanna-be, it was an honest tender seen with the smutty parts happening off screen.

As for anachronisms I'm afraid there quite a few of them. But I understand that some things had to be altered for the sake of the story. The movie has a great soundtrack and awesome musical performances. The actors actually sing and play their own instruments which gives the film a better sense of realism.

This is a film I would definitely recommend to Joan Jett fans and music lovers. Don't let the trailer or cast scare you away, this film is worth the rental.

The Face On The Milk Carton

2010-07-21T14:33:00.000-07:00

I've been searching for this film for years. Lifetime failed me, ditto Amazon and Netflix. I begin to wonder if I would ever be able see the movie version of one of my favorite books. Be careful what you wish for. There's a very good reason this film still languishes in the VHS hell in our modern age of DVD.

Let's start with the movie's length. The producers of the film inexplicably crammed both Face On The Milk Carton and Whatever Happened To Janie into a two hour format. Not even two hours, it originally aired on national television, so a half hour consisted of commercials.

Can a film be too rushed and overly drawn out at once? This film can. Barely a minute after the film starts Janie finds her picture on the milk carton. In less than half an hour, Janie learns about Hannah and the cult and then the film grinds to a halt. Reading about Janie agonizing over whether to contact the people looking for her is better than having to watch it.

The second part where she returns to her family is considerably better. Richard Masur plays her biological father. I have an unexplainable crush on him dating back to My Girl in '91. I'll watch anything with him in it. The movie has some awesome casting including Sharon Lawrence and Richard Herrman.

You probably noticed that I did not include Kellie Martin who plays Janie. The reason: As good as an actress she is, she just isn't who I pictured as Janie. Janie struck me a normal, average girl next door type. Kellie unfortunately brings to Janie the same nervous, precocious, energy she brings to all her roles. If Juno had been released ten years earlier, she would have been a shoo-in for the role. But Juno is no Janie.

Also, Janie looks nothing like her siblings. A big deal in both the book and movie is how she looks so much like her other siblings.

This is not how I pictured Janie when I read the book.

Awesome casting, the actors actually look like brother and sister. But Janie looks nothing like them no matter what the film wants you to believe. She doesn't even have the same shade of red as her mother and siblings do.

The story would have been better off as a four hour miniseries. It would've given the film more time for plot and character development, both missing from the movie version. I am both glad to have finally seen the film but disappointed in how it was handled.

Jessica Simpson: Blond and Ridiculous

2010-07-10T20:17:00.000-07:00

The sad thing is that Jessica Simpson can act, she has a great sense of comedic timing. Given a strong supporting role and a decent cast, she could be wonderful. But these endless stream of ditz out-of-water films have got to stop.

Jessica Simpson plays Megan Valentine. An actress and singer with a string of bad films on her resume (Sound familiar). Of course, when her fairy tale life comes crashing down she hightails it to the army.

This film is strictly movie by numbers. She's the worst soldier ever. She gets her groove back and impresses everyone. Learns a larger lesson in life. Gets a hunky love interest. Need I say more? Even Simpson seems to have checked out during the film, she seems to be phoning it in waiting for the check to clear.

I was briefly in Air Force boot camp. I cannot speak for the Army Boot Camp but I assume the rules and regulations are the same. Privates do not get warm pep talks and pats on the head from their Drill Sergeants. Privates do not give attitude to Drill Sergeants and First Sergeants and have nothing happen to them. I understand that it's a fantasy movie but try a little harder for realism.

Simpson is not the only one suffering through this film. Cheri Oteri, Steve Guttenberg, and Vivica A. Fox also appear in the movie. Congratulations, Steve Miner, you've finally directed a movie worse than Friday The 13th Part 3. Bravo!

Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy

2010-07-06T22:45:00.000-07:00

If you are a Nightmare On Elm Street fan, you simply must watch this documentary. Narrated by Heather Langenkemp this film explored the legacy of the Elm Street series and it's impact in horror cinema.
Something rare happened when I watched this, I simply watched it. Usually I am too restless to simply sit in front of a movie. I may work out, I may thumb through a magazine, or putter around the house cleaning. Not with this, I sat on the couch pleased as punch for four hours.
Yes, the film is four hours long but worth it. It covers every film from Nightmare 1 to the much lamented Freddy VS Jason. You learn everything, from the film inception, special effects, earlier script drafts, the casting of the actors, everything you wanted to know about Freddy but were afraid to ask.

Former actors return to share their memories of their times on the film. It seems everyone, cast and crew turn out to celebrate the series. Conspicuously absent however are some of the bigger name actors that starred in the series. Johnny Depp, Patricia Arquette, Jason Ritter, Breckin Myer, and Kelly Rowland make no appearance. I hope that time constraints kept them away, it would be a shame to see them dissing the franchise that started their career.

Since Nightmare On Elm Street 4 was my personal favorite, I looked forward to that installment. It was wonderful see my favorite film delved into with such detail. Seeing the actors 20 years later was fun as well.

I always considered Lisa Wilcox to be a beauty, she still is. 1988
Now

But, what the hell happened to Tuesday Knight?

Circa '80s

Now

Attention Hollywood actresses: Growing old is not the end of the world. We all age. Don't ruin a beautiful face just to appear sexy. Wrinkles are attractive, plastic is not.

Okay, rant over. Like I said, all Nightmare fans must check this out. It's a real cinematic treat.

Deception by Leigh Nichols

2010-07-01T13:28:00.000-07:00

This awesome books came to me via giveaway hosted by the The Unprofessional Critic. If you haven't checked out the blog, it's awesome. And it was also the first giveaway that I actually won.

The book is Deception by Lee Nichols. It centers around a teen named Emma whose parents disappear. She is whisked off to another school by a family friend and starts to see dead people. She learns that she is a ghost keeper and finds herself being menaced by a evil force.

I liked the book. It's fun, mostly fast paced, and not too predictable. There are too many books that I end up figuring out the ending long before getting there. I have learned to appreciate books that I can't figure out.

I especially liked Emma's relationship with some of the ghosts. Usually ghosts are portrayed as menacing or saints that can do no wrong. These ghosts are given a more human perspective. Having Emma develop a familial bond with the house ghosts was sweet.

I wasn't too thrilled with the romantic subplot. I understand that it's a young adult novel and romance is required. However, a lot of the scenes were unnecessary and slowed the plot down some.

Still, all in all, great book. I actually look forward to reading the rest of the series in the near future.

Werewolves, Werepanthers, and Werefoxes, Oh My!

2010-06-14T19:10:00.000-07:00

Club Dead is the third installment to the Southern Vampire Mysteries and by far my favorite. It's a wonderful blend of action, romance, and comedy.

Club Dead introduces a new supernatural element to the series, the Weres. Weres are not limited to wolves but also include tigers, panthers, and foxes (oh my.) I find the idea of a Were Fox to be the most adorable thing ever.

The book follows telepathic barmaid Sookie Stackhouse and her search of her missing boyfriend that leads her to Mississippi. She is accompanied by her bodyguard, Alcide, a werewolf forced to protect her by Eric. Some sparks fly between the two.

For the first part of the book I liked Alcide but the character is quickly revealed to be weak and indecisive. The love/hate relationship among him and his Were girlfriend, Debbie, slows the book down some. I did adore the snarky dialogue between Debbie and Sookie, though.

Eric and Sookie are sizzling in the novel and I am glad to see the connection among her and Bill fade some. Bill is unlikable in this book and shows signs of weakness as well.

Watching the current season of True Blood will be interesting. I watched the first two seasons with no knowledge of the books. If anything, reading the books have enhanced my love of the television series. Both Alcide and Debbie have been cast in Season 3 and I cannot wait to see them show up.

Bring on the cat fighting (pardon the pun.)

Mother May I Sleep With Danger?

2010-06-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

Why not? You've slept with everybody else.

Next to 15 and Pregnant this is one of my favorite Lifetime Movies. It's so deliciously bad, yet you can't not watch it. Like another Lifetime "classic" A Secret Between Friends, it's set in my old hometown of Seattle.

The movie begins with a handsome young lad knocking on his girlfriend's door armed with a teddy bear. The guy is played by Ivan Sergei who you may recognize from Charmed. He becomes unhinged when he sees that she took his pictures down and promptly kills her.

We are then introduced to Laurel Lewisohn (Seriously?) played by a briefly red-haired Tori Spelling. Like all Lifetime heroines before her she has a bright future but has no time for love. Enter "Kevin" who flashes his dimples and promptly wins her over.

Unlike her daughter, Laurel's mother has a brain. She picks up on the oh so obvious warning signs emanating from her new beau. Like what he chose to wear to dinner.

Of course, Laurel is clueless. Even when he stalks her, displays signs of jealously, and acts downright abusive. She forgives him over and over again. She even dyes her hair blond like his former girlfriend used to. Because this Lifetime and they hate us.

But trouble looms on the horizon, psycho boy is obviously not "Kevin." The real Kevin has been in Alaska all this time. The real Kevin is played by Lochlyn Munro, who coincidentally starred in both A Secret Between Friends and Charmed.

Eventually Laurel wises up to her boyfriend's craziness and bails on him. Instead of say, going to the cops, she goes to a dance club and dances with another guy. "Kevin" beats him up and lures Laurel outside to talk. It wasn't that hard to lure her out, he dangled something shiny.

He talks a pretty tale about getting help but drugs Laurel's drink and kidnaps her. "Kevin", this character is clinically brain dead, you didn't need to go to all that trouble. Just tell her you're taking her out for ice cream.

Luckily for Laurel, her mother has been doing some snooping and finds out the truth. She tracks down her daughter who is being held hostage at a family cabin in the woods. Mrs Lewisohn, your daughter's an airhead and this will likely happen again, lo jack the bitch and save us some trouble.

Laurel manages to get away and we get a long boring chase scene. Mrs. Lewisohn shows up at the cabin without any police accompaniment. Like mother, like daughter I guess. She promptly gets knocked out and more boring chase scenes ensue. Tori finds a canoe but doesn't go far. Hard to paddle a canoe with only one oar. "Kevin" capsizes the boat but sadly, Laurel can swim.

Mother and daughter reunite to kick some psycho ass. Damn it, "Kevin", next time you have an axe and are five feet from Tori Spelling, use the damn thing. Laurel knocks Kevin into the water with an oar and he vanishes.

He shows up at another college dressed like a reject from Grease and finds a new blond girl to love. Hopefully she'll ask her mother before she sleeps with danger.

They Shoot Housewives Don't They?

2010-05-29T12:53:00.000-07:00

So awhile ago I had the "pleasure" of watching Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story on Lifetime. I wanted to find the other movies since it has been ages since I have seen them. Thanks to the awesomeness of cable and Netflix, I finally got my wish. Here's how the three movies stacked up.

Amy Fisher: My Story a.k.a Lethal Lolita (1992) : . This NBC offering is from Amy Fisher's point of view. Typical tale of a teen seduced by a married man and convinced to kill his wife. Amy sold her rights to her story to help with her bail. NBC was originally going to air it on January 17th until they learned that CBS and ABC were airing their versions 4 days prior. The film ended up airing on December 28 of 1992.
Newcomer Noelle Parker plays Amy. She is the best Amy of the trilogy, in accent and looks. The movie doesn't sanitize or gloss over the gritty details. Unfortunately it gets boring rather quickly. A half hour of the movie is literally Amy arguing with Joey, he doesn't want her dating other guys but refuses to leave his wife for her. Or Amy arguing with her lover Paul, he wants her to leave Joey but refuses to leave his girlfriend for her. Ad nauseum. The movie ends with Amy going to prison regretting ever meeting Joey.

Casualties of Love: The "Long Island Lolita" Story: This version aired on CBS in January of 1993. It is obviously from the Buttafuccos point of view. Joey is portrayed as a faithful husband and father tormented by a teenage seductress. The movie ends with Amy getting her just desserts as the family rejoices. Alyssa Milano shed her good girl image in order to play Amy. As far as accuracy goes, Milano is the least believable in the trilogy. Alyssa makes no real effort to channel Amy and she comes off as one note and boring.

It's understandable though. It's the Buttafucco's version so they concentrate more on themselves and not so much on Amy. Reportedly they were paid 30,000 for their story.

The Amy Fisher Story a.k.a Beyond Control (1993): To this day, I still have no idea whose point of view this story is supposed to be from. I don't even think that ABC knew. Half the movie portrays Amy as a poor misled girl being unfairly punished. The other half portrays Amy as a manipulating, sex driven, seductress determined to get her way at all costs.

Drew Barrymore played Amy Fisher in this film. While she may not have looked too much like Amy, she did a good job of behaving like her. Her accent is halfway decent and if anyone fits the persona of a Lethal Lolita, Drew does.

I didn't like this film when it first aired but second time around I adored it. This version in my opinion is the most fun and entertaining of the trilogy. B grade cheesiness at it's finest.

Nightmare On Elm Street 2010

2010-05-15T20:53:00.000-07:00

I tried my darnedest to watch this movie with an open mind. I made a silent deal with this film, be entertaining and I'll forgive your lack of Robert Englund goodness. Needless to say, the movie did not keep it's end of the bargain.

Let's start with Jackie Earle Haley's portrayal of Freddy Krueger. It was boring and totally lacking of any malice. As the human Freddy in flashback he did very well, he is a good actor just not suitable for this role.

Another problem I had was with the makeup. I understand that the film wanted to go less cartoony and more realistic but come on. Something that looks like a blend of the Borg Queen and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew is not scary.

Kyle Gallner, Ella Cassidy, and Kellan Lutz are pretty talented actors. Shamefully, they are stuck with dull as dish water roles. You don't root for these characters, you simply don't care. Also, the kids are way too quick to believe in Freddy. Ella's character Kris is forced to watch her boyfriend kill himself after telling her about Freddy. Despite the fact that the character is known to be on medication does not hinder her instant belief in Freddy.

The original Nightmare On Elm Street was dark, scary, and campy. It had some talented actors and some memorable characters. It was more than a film series, it was a legacy. If people want to re imagine great horror film then do it for the love of the genre. Don't do it for the paycheck.

And a note to the girls sitting a couple rows ahead of me. Yes, Kellan Lutz was in Twilight, we all know that. There was no reason to squeal about it and chatter about Twilight for a few agonizing minutes until someone shushed them. If you wanna talk about Twilight go see a Twilight movie and don't torture the rest of the audience.

2010 Season In Review (Mild Spoilers)

2010-05-07T17:45:00.000-07:00

As this television season draws to a close I thought I'd share my thoughts on how my favorite shows fared.

Melrose Place: I worshiped the original Melrose Place and was excited to learn about the reboot. Granted, the season started out boring. They bring Sydney Andrews back from the dead only to kill her off five minutes later.

Auggie (Colin Egglesford) and Violet (Ashlee Simpson) were the most boring characters on the show and they have been removed. Riley and Jonah were boring and I wished them off the show as well. Until Jonah hooked up with Ella....Riley can still go. Heather Locklear is still awesome as Amanda Woodward and it's great to see Thomas Calabro, Josie Bissett, and Daphne Zuniga reprise their former characters.There is buzz that the show may be cancelled and that would be a shame. Melrose Place has finally smoothed out the rough edges and has begun to gel. It deserves a second season.

Big Love: Seriously, what the Hell happened this season. It was like a bad hangover following the prior season's awesomeness. You changed the theme song which is just awful. The story lines have degenerated into pure garbage. Illegal bird deals? Bill was just insufferable. And Margene's story lines have lapsed into a coma of stupidity that the show may not recover from.

To the Big Love writers, two of my favorite actors have left the show. I need something to keep me tuning in. Shape up and be as awesome as I know you can be.

Lost: For the shows' final season, I have been mildly disappointed. The alternate time line ran on way too long. It was good see some of the shows' former actors return but enough is enough. Only a handful of episodes left and nearly nothing has happened. There are questions that need to be answered and only two weeks left to get on the ball.

Oh, and last week's little slaughter fest of original characters made me cry. Not only because the victims were all favorite characters but Jack is still alive. Seriously, Lost, give a devoted fan something to treasure.

Degrassi: The Next Generation: How can you be my guilty pleasure show if I can no longer watch you. I have probably missed half of the season and the episodes I do watch are just deja vu. How many times can Sav and Anya break up in a season? How many times can Ally and Johnny insist they are over? How many times can Riley come out of the closet? Too many new characters and old favorites shuffled into a corner. I miss my guilty pleasure but thank God for Boycott The Caf.
Glee: Started out awesome. It has great characters, fun musical numbers and awesome guest appearances. But the recent episodes have been lacking in entertainment. We spend all this time rooting for Emma and Will but get nothing except angst and fighting. Same for Rachel and Finn. There is still hope for the show and hopefully it will get out of it's slump.

The Secret Life Of The American Teen: If it had just been the teenagers, I would've have never been sucked into this show. It's the adult cast that keeps me coming back. Molly Ringwald, Jennifer Coolidge, Mayim Bialik, Kathy Kinney, and Josie Bissett are simply awesome and make the show watchable.

Plus the show has that unapologetic, awesomely over the top dialogue and story lines that Degrassi used to be famous for. A girl convinced that her fantastic sex killed her father, classic. However enough with the pregnancies, couple swapping, and blink and you'll miss them love interests.

Desperate Housewives: This season has been 100% awesome. Great story lines, great use of humor and drama. The Fairview Strangler was predictable but the back story made is an awesome storyline. Love Drea De Matteo and was happy to see her on the show. Katherine's final storyline was wonderful. It was refreshing to have a lesbian storyline not be for ratings but be a natural evolution for the character. Top notch.

Living Dead In Dallas (Spoilers)

2010-05-03T15:34:00.000-07:00

Thankfully, Season 2 of True Blood doesn't follow Living Dead In Dallas to the letter. I am actually happy about that. As much as I loved Dead Until Dawn, reading that after watching Season 1 was kind of anti-climatic.

Callisto the maenad has less of a presence in the book than she does in series. Nothing against Michelle Forbes who played Marianne (renamed for the series) she is awesome. But Season 2 could have been appropriately renamed everyone loves Marianne.

I also like the fact that True Blood did not kill of Lafayette like the book did. Aside from Tara and Eric, Lafayette is one of my favorite True Blood characters. Tara does debut in this book but has nothing to do with Callisto/Marianne.

However True Blood improved on one aspect of the book. The sacrifice of Godfrey (a.k.a Godric in the series. In the book he has no connection with Eric or Bill. Sookie still witnesses his death but as more of a stranger. It didn't have the impact that the series did. Case in point...

Another interesting aspect of reading the series is the change of my allegiances to certain couples. When I watched the series I was rooting for Sookie and Bill to be together. But as I read the series, I find myself more and more interested in an Eric/Sookie pairing.

It will be interesting to watch the new series with a knowledge of the books, unlike when I watched Seasons 1 & 2.

Danielle Steel's Remembrance

2010-05-01T20:13:00.000-07:00

So I attempted to review the miniseries of Danielle Steel's Remembrance. Unfortunately the film was so dull that I just couldn't get through it. I did however find the copy of the book at a thrift store and hilarity ensued.

It's books like this one that makes it hard for me to admit that I like some Danielle Steel novels. The movie centers on the blond haired, green eyed, Italian goddess Serena. Yes, no brown haired, brown eyed Italians would do in Steel's world.

Serena is a Princess forced to flee Italy and live in the States during Mussolini's reign. Why, you ask? Because apparently, Serena is so beautiful that she will likely be raped by soldiers any minute.

After the war is over, Serena returns to Italy and learns that her beloved grandmother has died. Are you aware that Serena is totally gorgeous? If you forgot, the author is quick to remind you a hundred times. Serena moves in with her grandmothers' maid and becomes a maid as well. Which is supposedly a horrible thing because she's so gosh darn beautiful.

She meets John Stamos at an airport and he tells her that she's pretty. Not really, she meets an equally good looking soldier named B.J. He is so instantly in love with her that he dumps his fiancee and begs her to marry him. But she won't, she's only a poor princess who would destroy his life.

B.J. eventually is relocated to Paris and a heartbroken Serena wastes away to practically nothing. Of course, he sweeps her off her little Italian feet and eventually the two wed and learn that she is pregnant. They have a beautiful daughter, obviously.

B.J's family hates her but that's okay because she is so beautiful. She is widowed but her brother in law, Teddy, watches out for her because she is so beautiful. She has no career skills but becomes a model because she's so.....Hey when did blood start trickling out my ears?

Moving on, Serena meets a Greek god named Vaseline or Vagisal or something like that. Anyway, she and Vag Cream fall in love and get married and have another beautiful daughter. Vag Cream turns out to be a horrible drug addict who kills Serena.

Serena's eldest daughter, Vanessa, witnesses the murder and goes into shock. The other daughter, Charlotte is spirited away by Vag Cream's brother. Vanessa completely blocks out the fact that she ever had a sister. B.J's family suddenly takes an interest in Vanessa and a custody trial ensues. Luckily, good old Uncle Teddy gets her and is the best father he can be.

The movie ends on this note, which is the only good thing about it. The books however keeps going and going. Vanessa grows up to be...you guessed it beautiful. But the trauma of her mother's death keeps her from committing to her boyfriend.

Teddy marries some gal and they have a baby. The very second Vanessa holds the tyke, memories of her sister come flooding back and she must find her. She goes to Greece, where Charlotte is conveniently on a trip. But Vag Cream's brother is there to welcome her with open arms.

Danielle Steel has a strange common theme in some of her books. The main heroine is traumatized and unable to commit to a man who loves her. She then indulges in hot, sweaty, affair with some wonderful guy who cannot have a future with her. This gives her the courage to then commit to the nice guy waiting in the wings.

In Vanessa's case the temp guy is none other than Vag Cream's brother. He also has cancer and begs Vanessa to take Charlie with her. Yes, stick your foster daughter with someone she barely knows. Deprive her of having any kind of closure in her foster father's death. But who cares if she gets traumatized? There will be some guy in the wings waiting to boink some sense into her.

Fifteen And Pregnant

2010-04-18T14:18:00.000-07:00

"Don't your brain ever hurt from thinking so much?" This is one of the first sentences to welcome us to Fifteen and Pregnant. Accompanied by a cheesy pop tune, Kristen Dunst loses her virginity to her boyfriend. "Don't tell me you love me if you don't" she whispers to him.

Tina's parents are divorcing, her brother is leaving to live with her father, and her bad boy boyfriend has just dumped her. Don't be sad they dated from July to October, that's like a century in teen years. Tina is a good Christian girl, in a Lifetime movie, and she's had sex. Doom, Doom, Doomedy Doom.

Tina's mother starts to notice that Tina is sporting a baby bump. Poor Park Overall, she was my favorite actress in the '90s. In this film, she is just a whiny, walking, talking PSA. Tina takes a pregnancy test and confesses all to her mother.

By the way, abortion is the most horrible, wrong, grossest thing ever, according to Tina. Really, Lifetime, you really wanna go there? She worries about things all teen moms worry about. Will she have to give up soccer? Who wrote this movie, The Church Lady from SNL?

Morning sickness rears it's ugly head for Tina. There are many scenes in this film that makes me laugh, but the morning sickness scene takes the cake. Despite being suddenly sick, Tina has the time to turn on the shower to mask the sounds. Who really has the time to do that when you are suddenly ill?

A clueless Ray shows up at Christmas but Tina's mom sends him away. Tina's younger sister can't take the insanity and wants to live with her father. Enter Tina's friend, the other teen mom, juggling the weight of work, day care, and two whole college classes. She's the walking, talking, PSA for abstinence.

Ray has heard about the pregnancy and vows to be a better father than his dad. He's got nothing better going on, why not have a kid? Seriously who writes this movie? Tina's worst fear is confirmed, she can no longer play soccer. The school wants to send her off to one of those special unwed mother schools. Do special unwed mom schools really exist? I've known a couple of teen moms and they were allowed to continue going to school.

Tina is by far the whiniest character that Lifetime has to offer. I understand that she's supposed to be immature and hormonal but she's irritating as hell. Kara Thrace (a.k.a Starbucks from BSG.) plays a single mom and another one of the movies many object lessons.

Ray pulls the how do I know the baby's mine card and skips out. And promptly starts screwing other women. Ray then has the audacity to get mad when she doesn't invite his relatives to his baby shower. He offers her a car seat and a stroller, such a prince. Tina catches him making out with a girl in the mall and confronts him. She warns the girl that he will knock her up too.

There's a useless grandmother character who shows up and lectures everybody. And for some reason her theme song is some banjo/accordion monstrosity. There was no reason for this character at all.

Tina must live in the town without pity because nobody shows up for her baby shower. The younger sister decides to move back in and help her sister out. Tina's parents begin to fall in love all over again. If I can't hate Tina more, she refers to one of her classmates' baby as fat with ugly hair. Seriously?

Tina and her teen mom get into an argument over who's the worst teen mom ever. Tina has a hissy fit when her sister fractures her ankle and takes over the couch that Tina was sitting on. They tell this poor injured girl to move so her whiny sister can be happy. Hey, it is possible to hate this character more. The sisters do attempt to bond but it doesn't go well.

The younger sister grows tired of being in her sister's shadow and goes off to live with useless grandmother. As soon as sister leaves dad moves back in. Way to make the younger sister feel even more unloved.

Tina goes into labor with her mom, dad, other teen mom, and other teen mom's mom in attendance. Don't hospitals have rules about immediate families only. Ray shows up for the birth with his girlfriend (classy) and is told to get out by Tina's father. She gives birth to a boy.

Useless grandmother and unloved sister show up to see the kid. Everything oohs and aahs in slow motion as Tina chirps about how hard it's going to be being a teen mother. Lifetime, you owe me.

Danielle Steel's No Greater Love

2010-04-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

Before James Cameron tackled Titanic, Danielle Steel dipped her literary toes into the Titanic's icy depths.

The 1996 film based on the 1991 novel centers around Edwina Winfield, a young woman who loses her parents and fiancee in the Titanic disaster. Faced with raising her family and protecting her parents legacy, Edwina turns her back on love. But given this is a Danielle Steel creation, her back won't be turned for long.
The opening scenes on the Titanic are quite possibly the most interesting scenes in this film. And that is only because the Titanic scenes were edited from the film S.O.S. Titanic shot in '79. Like the ship, the movie sinks quickly into a repetitive maudlin waste of 105 minutes.

Normally, I love Kelly Rutherford but she is simply a blank slate in this movie. What happened to the fire and passion that she brought to Melrose Place and later Gossip Girl? It's hard to root for a porcelain doll.

The film also wastes an inordinate amount of footage on the character of Alexis. Like most Danielle Steel heroines, her head is turned by the prerequisite sleaze old enough to be her father. Alexis' character in a word annoying. I mean, ripping out your hair annoying, from her first appearance as a little moppet to her last as a sullen teenager.

Something else in the film really bothered me. Edwina turns down suitors left and right. Even though she is attracted to the fabulous Sam Stone, she still can't get over her lost love. Until she finally boards a ship again and meets Mr. Right Now.

Of course, he is charming but simply can't marry her, so there is no threat of a future. He does take down her hymenal iceberg and teaches her that she can settle for Sam. Sadly, a girl having a fling with one man in order to be able to love another man is nothing new in the land of Danielle Steel. This plot rears it's ugly head in other Danielle Steel novels as well.

The other actors are equally as blank and unmemorable save for the appearance of a young Hayden Christensen as Edwina's brother, Teddy.

If you like Danielle Steel and have a couple hours to kill, this is a great rainy day fare. It's a typical romance film with the ending tied up in a perfect happy bow. Titanic enthusiasts beware: disregard this film as it brings nothing to the table.

Retro Flashback: Dance Til Dawn

2010-04-14T20:51:00.001-07:00

For starters, this has to one of the worst DVD covers I have ever seen. This screams bad photo shop in large, pink, neon letter. Dance 'Til Dawn is from the same era as Camp Cucamonga where networks crammed their latest and greatest stars into TV movies for our amusement.

The plot of the film consists of a group of students and some parents on the evening of their prom. The film stars Christina Applegate as Patrice, a snooty princess who is determined to make prom the best night ever. Check out future Friends star, Matthew Perry as her much beleaguered boyfriend, Roger.

Alyssa Milano plays Shelley who is dumped by her sex-crazed boyfriend (Brian Bloom) the day before prom. Determined not to let anyone find out, she winds up hiding out with the school geek, Dan. Dan is hiding from his father (Alan Thicke) who is under the mistaken impression that his son is popular.

Alyssa Milano was very hard to buy in this role. She didn't even look old enough for high school, let alone being a senior. It is even harder to accept when she interacts with her older looking cast members.

Tracy Gold plays Angela, a nerdy girl with over protective parents. She is asked to the prom by Shelley's ex boyfriend, Dan, who believes that she will be an easy conquest. Unbeknown to her, her parents (played by Kelsey Grammer and Edie McClurg) are following her and watching her every move.

The movie is a typical and predictable '80s fare. All the good kids get their happy endings and the bad kids get their comeuppance. The adults don't really seem to have a place in the film and it would've been a better idea to keep it the parent free haven most '80s films were.

This film is still entertaining and a must watch for fans of the '80s.

Retro Flashback: Camp Cucamonga

2010-03-29T18:36:00.000-07:00

In 1990, ABC gathered their finest teen idols and Camp Cucamonga was born. It's a fun but typical camp adventure with teen romance, adult shenanigans, and of course keeping the camp from being closed down.
This film has the most impressive cast list for a television movie. John Ratzenberger plays the goofy camp owner, Sherman Hemsley plays a wisecracking handyman and a pre-Leprechaun Jennifer Aniston plays one of the counselors.

The film truly belongs to the younger generation with Candace Cameron, Breckin Myer, Paul Savino, Chad Allen, Danica McKellar, and last but not least Jaleel White. This movie is worth it alone for Winnie Cooper wearing a Motley Crue t-shirt.

Other amusing scenes are Chad Allen portraying the camp heartthrob (Who else was shocked when he came out), Winnie Cooper and Paul Pfeiffer playing a couple, Candace Cameron playing a bitch for once in her career, and Jaleel White even gets his own musical number.

Poor Jaleel, little did he know that he would go from popular '90s icon to starring in such masterpiece cinema such as this.

I admit it, I initially Netflixed this to snark on but it's impossible. It's too fun and nostalgic and a must for anyone who was a kid in the late '80s and early '90s. By the way, I just realized that it has been exactly 20 years between the first time I saw this film and the most recent, I feel old.

Retro Flashback: Cocktail

2010-03-22T14:23:00.000-07:00

Sometime in 1987, corporate bigwigs desperately try to think up a vehicle for the great Tom Cruise

Bigwig 1#: We need something flashy, something hip.

Big Wig 2#:Maybe he could be a soldier in the army.

Bigwig 1#: Been there, done that.

Bigwig 2#: Maybe he could be a wannabe ad exec

Bigwig 1# Too Wall Street

Bigwig 2#: Maybe he could be a bartender with some flair.

Bigwig 1#: Sold!

Cocktail brings us back to a better time in the '80s when a bad movie was the most embarrassing thing Tom Cruise could do. Tom plays Brian Flanagan, a former soldier who wished to become a marketing exec.

After being rejected by just about everyone, he decides to take some business courses. Unfortunately they are taught by a professor that inexplicably hates his students. This makes Brian lose faith in his dream: to create a chain of bars that could be put in every mall. Bars in a mall? I know they exist but seriously who goes to the mall to get hammered?

Desperate for money, he takes a job as a bartender working alongside Douglas Coughlin, the Yoda of the bar world. Brian and Douglas have way too much chemistry in this film. They should have irradiated the female love interests and turned it into a Brokeback Bartender scenario.

At first, Brian is a mess but there's a certain spark to him and he doesn't get fired. In fact, he becomes one of the greatest flair bartenders who ever lived. He and Douglas are so great that other bars are desperate to hire them. New York City must not have had talented bartenders since people had to go to dive bars to poach them/

But of course there has to be the obligatory betrayal scene. For some inane reason or another, Douglas seduces a girl that Brian barely cares about. This hurts Brian enough to pack up his hippy hippy shake and hightails it to Jamaica.

There he meets Jordan, played by the terminally adorable Elizabeth Shue. All it takes is a few kisses and Kokomo and the two are madly in love. Here he comes to wreck the day! Yes, Douglas reappears now married to a hot, rich, woman. He sneers at Brian dating a poor, cute, student when the island is crawling with Botox beauties.

Brian, who left town when a girl he barely liked cheated on him wastes no time cheating on Jordan, who he claims to love. Jordan finds out and leaves and Brian returns to New York with his new sugar Mommy.

When he realizes that all he is is a pampered boy toy, he dumps his sugar Mommy and tries to make amends with Jordan. It turns out Jordan is rich, pregnant, and not interested. He skulks over to Douglas' bar and asks for a job. Unfortunately, Douglas is a drunken mess and Brian ends up having to take home his wife.

The wife promptly comes on to Brian but now he has learned a larger lesson in life. He returns to Douglas who has committed suicide. Realizing that life is too short, he rescues Jordan from her penthouse prison and finally gets the bar he's always wanted.

They live happily ever after until Brian discovers Scientology....

Dead Until Dark (Mild Spoilers)

2010-03-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

I am a fan of True Blood. I am also an avid reader. So it made sense that I wanted to read the books that spawned the series. Thanks to the awesomeness of ebay I have received the boxed set of this series.

Now, sadly, I have to say that Dead Until Dark is boring. It's an awesome book but it turns out True Blood stayed completely true to the novel. Which would've been more awesome had I not watched the series first. The whole mystery plot of who was killing the fangbangers had already been spoiled for me.

At least it gave me a chance to see what they changed in the leap from book to HBO. For instance, no Tara in the first book. She is in the series but has a smaller role. For instance, Sookie's brother Jason has a smaller role, he's still a suspect in the murders but the whole vamp blood/Amy Burley storyline was made up for the series. Tara also does not appear in the first book and Lafayette's is more of a peripheral character.

Nothing against the character of Tara but having Sookie with nobody close to her made her isolation and loneliness a little more believable.

I actually like the book's portrayal of Sookie and Bill's relationship better than the television's. Sookie is just a little more accepting of Bill's dark nature. When she learns that he killed a couple who attacked, she's just a little uncomfortable. Unlike the series where she completely freaks out.

Essentially Dead Until Dark covers the entire first season of True Blood. All in all it was a great book. But I was disappointed that I didn't discover the book series before the television series. I still suggest True Blood fans read this book, despite the spoilers.

Retro Flashback: St. Elmo's Fire

2010-03-21T17:53:00.000-07:00

That was just passion burning? Thank God, I thought I had to go the free clinic.

St. Elmo's Fire did the impossible, it ended the reign of the Brat Pack forever. Perhaps we weren't ready to accept our teen idols as grownups. Perhaps we weren't ready to accept John Bender as a yuppie Republican. Perhaps Joel (Bat Nipples) Schumacher really is an evil spirit and must be destroyed.

Our favorite Brat Packeteers (sans Anthony Michael Hall and Molly Ringwald) have graduated college and are ready to make their mark on the world.

Judd Nelson plays Alec Newberry, a Democrat turned Republican who wants to marry his live in girlfriend Leslie. However this doesn't stop him from banging every girl within ten feet of him. Judd Nelson glowers and snarls like an epileptic Elvis impersonator but never quite emotes.

Ally Sheedy's witchy weirdness is masked in the thankless role of Leslie. Leslie is a wanna be career woman who doesn't believe in marriage. Despite her character being terminally boring, she has two men fighting over her.

The other man is Kevin played by Andrew McCarthey with his perpetual deer-in-the-headlights gaze. Kevin is a sarcastic obituary writer who yearns to write something earth changing. Humorously the character with no life succeeds by writing an article on the meaning of life. He secretly lusts after Leslie and spends his time debating life and love with a neighborhood hooker.

Emilio Estevez ups his creep factor as law student, Kirby Kager. A chance meeting with a former crush causes him to become full on psycho. He drops out of law school, joins med school, works for a Korean gangster and goes back to law school all in one film. His stalking methods are rewarded though by a kiss from his beloved.

Demi Moore plays party girl, Jules. Jules is the talking handbook of '80s indulgence with her furs, coke, and pink Billy Idol inspired apartment. She is also under a mountain of stress and it culminates in a very '80s nervous breakdown reminiscent of a Bonnie Tyler video.

Mare Winningham plays Wendy the allegedly fat, virginal, heart of the movie. I say allegedly because in reality the actress was pregnant filming this movie. She's the typical rich girl yearning to be out on her own. She is also typically co-dependant on bad boy Billy.

Billy is played by Rob Lowe, chaos incarnate. The only married parent of the group, he blows through jobs and women like they are going out of style. But he only does that when he's not mangling his saxophone during awkward music numbers. Who didn't giggle hysterically when he left his friends to pursue his music career?

The movie in a word, maudlin, we don't even like these characters how can we root for them? Watching a bunch of Yuppies in trendy clothes and fab apartments complain about how hard life is not your typical post college experience. Why not show the real world of post college life? Medium wage jobs, that small apartment you can barely afford and eating Top Ramen more times that you need to.

Rather than fade away, this film continues to thrive. CBS is planning on making a series based on St. Elmo's Fire.

The Party Never Stops: Diary of a Binge Drinker

2010-03-07T16:17:00.000-08:00

Jesse is a blond, beautiful, smart girl with a bright future. She's also a character in a Lifetime movie. I'm gonna sing the doom song now.

Jesse meets her roommate, Shanna, and the two hit if off. Even though Shanna is a sorority pledge and Jesse is a jock. Suddenly a gaggle of giggling teenagers burst in bearing champagne and plastic champagne glasses. It turns out the single glass of champagne was super fun and leads her down the windy path of self-destruction.

Shanna begs Jesse to attend a party with her. Jesse can't, she has a 10:30 class in the morning. Jesse, you bloody amateur, you can party and still attend a 10:30 class, stop whining, and start binge drinking like Lifetime told you.

Soon Shanna and Jesse are three sheets to the wind and grooving to the most generic dance music that Lifetime likely got at a clearance sale. Oh horror of horrors, Jesse wakes up at 10:16 am and is late for class. She meets a nice guy named Colin who saves her from falling asleep in class.

Jesse tries to straighten up and fly right but misses the fun that booze and parties brought her. Shanna meets a guy and is rarely home. While having coffee with Shanna, Jesse notices Colin playing guitar on the street. If his tuition is reliant on his musician skills, he better drop out right this minute.

We cut back to poor Nancy Travis whose whole storyline so far consists of her missing her daughter. Lifetime wasting Nancy Travis' talent since 2007. At Shanna's bequest, Jesse agrees to go to a fraternity luau. Plastic cups of daiquiri goodness follow.

Jesse goes on a double date with Shanna and a couple of cardboard cutout studs. A nervous Jesse takes a swig out of a flask. Colin is there performing and gives Jesse an impromptu serenade.

Jesse gets drunk, loses her virginity to the cardboard cutout, and misses class. Of course, cardboard cutout doesn't call and Jesse begins to spend time with Colin who doesn't drink. Cardboard cutout finally calls and she ditches Colin. She only orders a Diet Coke, but no fear cardboard cutout has a flask. The flask to student ratio is very high at this college.

It turns out cardboard cutout has a girlfriend. Jesse mopes to a sad, generic, Sade ripoff until she gets the strength to party again. She drinks, falls asleep in class, and avoids her mother's calls.

Shanna and Jesse vow to stay at school and have a sober Thanksgiving with Chinese food and Spanish soap operas. Jesse goes home for Christmas and lies to her mom that she doesn't drink. Shanna gives her a fake ID as a gift. Colin asks Jesse out a date but she decides to hit the bars instead.

Jesse hooks up with some random guy and loses her cell phone. Nancy Travis wastes some more talent waiting by the phone. Jesse is horrified that she hooked up with someone she didn't know.

Nancy Travis finally does something in this movie. She goes up to surprise her daughter only to find her drunk. Jesse insults her mom who leaves but tells her that this isn't over. Shanna begs Jesse to lie to her mom and go to San Diego for a sober spring break. Sure, all the college girls go to spring break to avoid drinking.

5 seconds later, she is drunk again. She enters a wet t-shirt contest and flashes the crowd, unaware that a video camera is filming. Of course all that drinking catches up with her and she doesn't make the track team. Jesse's dirty video hits the Internet and her mother orders her to stop drinking or she'll stop paying for college.

Jesse heads to the frat for a non-drinking night of movie watching. Yes, lots of girls who want to quit drinking go to a frat to avoid alcohol. She sees cardboard cutout macking on some random girl and decides to drink.

Jesse's mom looks up binge drinking on the Internet. The viewers are bombarded with a bunch of statistics. Sexual assaults, vandalism, and death, oh my. Someone asks a frat brother to move his car, Jesse insists that he's too drunk and does it instead. She crashes into a fire hydrant and the campus police arrive.

Jesse only gets probation though and promises her mom that she'll go to counseling. In a guitar driven montage, she gets her act together and hooks up with Colin. As the school year ends, Shanna invites Jesse to a party on the roof, Jesse declines. Shanna swears that she'll only have a couple. Why do I suddenly get the feeling that Shanna's gonna go squish?

Jesse and Colin wind up attending the party and are greeted by a drunk Shanna. Jesse is kind of disgusted by the way the girls are behaving and leaves. Shanna doesn't go squish but instead goes to the frat house for more booze.

Colin admits that he used to be a drinker and lost his scholarship and girlfriend because of it. She kisses him. We see Shanna showing up at another party. Shanna succumbs to sweet lady alcohol poisoning.

Everyone learns a larger lesson in life. And once again Lifetime cruelly snatches two hours our of my life.

David Silver.....you are the father

2010-02-21T14:18:00.000-08:00

In this film, we meet promising musician, Jason Kempler. Jason is played by Brian Austin Green who not only failed at rapping but also lip syching. At one of his gigs he meets Melanie Crane played by Nicholle Tom and sparks fly.

Melanie fails as an artist judging from an awful picture that she draws of Jason. They share a sickeningly sweet kiss and off to his daddy's yacht they go. It only takes moments for the two of them to knock boots. They don't have a condom, hence the title.

The next day, Melanie goes to see Jason again. But she catches him soulfully singing to another girl and her heart is broken. We learn a little more about Jason, college student, car salesman, and future rock star. Of course, if you have a bright future in a Lifetime movie, you're doomed.

Right on schedule, Melanie misses her period and feels nauseous. She breaks the news to Jason who doesn't want to believe that the baby is his. He reminds Melanie that she hooked up with him 5 minutes after they met. All he can offer her is money and a ride to the abortion clinic.

She goes to the abortion clinic with her best friend but chickens out. In the very next scene, the baby has been born. Fastest Lifetime pregnancy ever. Melanie's mom had Melanie at 15 and is none too keen on having the baby there. When Melanie is not arguing with her mother, she is stalking Jason, whose future is getting brighter by the minute.

Melanie and her mom argue some more and Melanie packs her bags and leaves a note. She waits outside Jason's house and watches him hooking up with a girl through the windows. When he is alone, she knocks on the door, shoves the baby at him and takes off.

Since Jason does not know her last name or where she lives, he's stuck with the kid. He has to get a DNA test and foster care is full. He goes to Melanie's former work but the boss won't give out that information. He runs into Melanie's best friend who takes him to see Melanie's mom. Melanie's mom not only does not care where her wayward daughter is, she shows no interest in her grandson either.

While Melanie flees to California, David's life gets progressively worse. His dad fires him from the car lot and also fires the baby's nanny. His band also can't deal with his drama and kick him out of the group.

The DNA tests come back and Jason Kempler.....you are the father. "Mazel Tov" the doctor tells him. I am disappointed, Faye Grant is in this movie but she really doesn't do anything except bitch about the baby. I loved her in V.

Single fatherhood gets to be too much for Jason, and he thinks about abandoning the baby but doesn't. Jason's father kicks him out of the house and he rents a rickety old houseboat. Which is the perfect environment for an infant. While moving in, he nearly drops the baby and his prized guitar in the water. He can only save one and chooses the baby. Since he sucks as a musician, it was the best choice he ever made.

As father and son bond, Melanie leaves Cali and starts working her way home. At Melanie's bequest her best friend goes to visit Jason. She's impressed by his parenting skills after he saves the baby from touching a hot cup of coffee.

Needing work he applies to be a model home salesman but instead winds up as a construction worker. His co-workers hate his Yuppie ass, I don't blame them even I hate his Yuppie ass. Melanie takes a job at a small diner. Jason convinces Melanie's mom to sit for the baby.

Jason's goes to a friend's party and ends up drunk in the backseat of a car with a chick. He doesn't have a condom but she doesn't mind. But Jason has learned a larger lesson in life and hightails it out of there. He arrives drunk and tries to take the baby home, Melanie's mom stops him and makes him stay there. The next day, she tells that he has got to be grow up and be a better father.

Things get tougher for Jason, his electricity is shut off, his son has to go the ER, and he loses his job when he doesn't call or show up for work for three days. For someone who desperately needs money, he is all blase' about the job. The world is so cruel to Unwed Fathers, that much is true.

Melanie confides in her co-worker what she did and the co-worker offers to let her move into her house with the baby. Melanie swoops back in expecting to be welcomed back with open arms. Both her mother and her best friend urge her to leave Jason and the baby alone.

Melanie has the privilege of being the most annoying Lifetime character ever. All she does is pout and whine. I actually cheer Jason on when he takes off with the kid. But having little cash, he has to face things that no Yuppie should. Seedy hotel rooms, filthy rest stop bathrooms, and having to sleep in his car.

After a cop busts him sleeping in his car, he decides to return back home. The cop is an idiot, Jason's name is not on the birth certificate and he has no proof that the baby is his. Logic, we don't need no stinking logic.

Eventually they strike a deal, Jason moves closer to Melanie. He gets his name on the birth certificate and they all live happily ever after. Do you wonder how this piece of crap got made? Four simple words Brian Austin Green Productions. Lifetime....it's fantastic.

Tamara: The Cinematic Love Child Of Jennifer's Body And May

2010-02-20T11:43:00.000-08:00

Tamara is by far one of the strangest films I have had the pleasure to watch. It's a not a top notch horror film but it is still quite entertaining. It harkens back to a simpler time where horror were just slice and dice and didn't take itself that seriously. It's got the flippant humor that Jennifer's Body tried for, and the envelope pushing violence that made May awesome.

Tamara is an unpopular and bullied high school student who just happens to dabble in witchcraft. When she inadvertently exposes the football teams steroid use, the jocks plan revenge. However, their prank goes horrible wrong and Tamara winds up dead. Her murderers refuse to give up their bright futures and bury her in the woods. They are horrified when she returns sexy, powerful, and with an ax to grind.

For starters, Jenna Dewan who plays Tamara is awesome. As a nerdy girl bullied by her peers, you genuinely feel sorry for her. And when she comes back to claim her vengeance you root for her. She is so sexy and entertaining and it really doesn't matter that she's not that scary. Most of the cast is unknown with the exception of Chad Faust who starred in the film, Saved. Not having too many big actors gives the film a fresher feel.

The movie is predictable. You'll probably guess every twist and turn but it will still be entertaining. There are some scenes that push the limits in this film. If you are easily grossed out, I recommend not watching this film.

I reccomend this film for people who enjoy films like May, Teeth, and Jennifer's Body. It's fun, cheesy, and so bad that it is awesome. It is one of the few horror movies released in the last few years that I genuinely liked.

The Nightmare On Elm Street Movie Guide.

2010-02-07T14:17:00.000-08:00

I've seen the greatest horror movies of my generation destroyed by remakes. (My apologies to Allen Ginsberg). I am an '80s movie fan forced to watch my favorite villains blandly remade in order to entice a new generation. They did it to Michael, they did it to Jason, and now poor Freddy is next up on the block.

There are young horror viewers out there who may be intrigued by the remake and want to rent some of the earlier installments. I present to you the Nightmare On Elm Street Guide.

Nightmare On Elm Street (1984) Teenager Nancy finds herself the target of a supernatural menace who can kill people in their dreams.

The Good: The film belongs to Heather Langenkemp who plays Nancy. Unlike a lot of final girls in horror films, she is smart, creative, and can definitely hold her own. This film is dark and does not contain too many of the one liners that would eventually turn Freddy into a less scary version of Carrot Top. Freddy will never be scarier than he is in this film. You simply cannot watch the remake without seeing this one as the remake borrows heavily from the first film.

The Bad: There are some scenes such as Nancy encountering the corpse of her best friend, that are simply there for gross out value. These scenes stop the film cold and it takes a while to get back into it.

Notable Stars: This is film marks the movie debut of Johnny Depp who plays Nancy's boyfriend Glen. John Saxon lends his awesome presence to the film as Nancy's father.

A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985): Five years after the events of the first movie, teenager Jesse moves into the neighborhood. Freddy's back and he has big plans for Jesse.

The Good: The poster looks pretty cool, meh, I have nothing.

The Bad: The majority of this film is bad. It has the lowest death count of the series. Two major character deaths and a quick massacre of some unnamed extras. There is a scene with an exploding parakeet and this awkward dance scene.

What really hinders the film is the homoerotic subtext that runs throughout the film. Jesse has more chemistry with his best friend Grady than his supposed love interest. He wanders into an S&M bar where he encounters his sadistic coach who takes him back to the gym. I always suspected that the character of Jesse was intended to be gay but the studio wouldn't allow it.

Notable Stars: Soap Star Christie Clark plays Jesse's younger sister. Jo Ann Willette from Just The Ten Of Us shows up briefly. Jo Ann would co-star with other Nightmare alumni such as Heather Langenkemp and Brooke Theiss.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987): The last remaining Elm street children have been placed in a mental hospital due to dream psychosis. Nancy returns to the series intent on beating Freddy once and for all.

The Good: Heather Langenkemp returns to the series as Nancy. This film should have been the direct sequel to the first as opposed to the piece of crap they did air. The film has some creative death scenes and some great one liners. At this point Freddy is scary/funny but not as cartoonish as he eventually becomes.

The Bad: I know that nudity is traditional in these films, but not a requirement. There is one topless scene that doesn't fit in with the pace of the films and stops the movie cold.

Notable Stars: A then unknown Lawrence Fishburne stars as an orderly. Along with Langenkemp, John Saxon reprises his role from the original film. Patricia Arquette stars as Kristen, the main heroine of the film. There is a hysterical cameo by Dick Cavett and Zsa Zsa Gabor

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988): Kristen is out of the mental hospital and is trying to get over Freddy. But how do you get over something when it hasn't yet ended?

The Good: I am going to say it, Nightmare On Elm Street 4 is my favorite of the franchise. I'll give all you horror enthusiasts time to gather together the torch bearing mob. The film has some entertaining and fun characters. The death scenes are creative and there is a kick ass soundtrack featuring Blondie, Divinyls, Dramarama, and Sinead O'Connor. This films also introduces Alice who is my second favorite final girl of the series.

The Bad: There are a couple of unnecessarily cheesy scenes such as a dog pissing Freddy to life and a naked girl trapped in a water bed. If you have a bug phobia do not watch this movie. Just don't.

Notable Stars: Tuesday Knight takes over for Patricia Arquette as Kristen. Brooke Theiss stars as bug phobic bad girl. General Hospital star Cheryl Richardson appears in a blink and you will miss it role.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989): Freddy is back to his old tricks. He has a new way of killing the Elm Street children, by using the dreams of Alice's unborn child.

The Good: Well Lisa Wilcox reprises her role as Alice, I always loved her

The Bad: I wanted to like this film, I really did. It's a direct sequel to my favorite movie and I love the heroine. I wanted to like this movie but couldn't. It's boring with unlikable characters, the deaths are less creative and more revolting. Freddy has officially become a cartoon cracking more one liners than actually killing.

Notable Stars: Lisa Wilcox reprises her role as Alice. Kelly Minter (who was awesome whatever happened to her?) also stars.

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991): Ten years have passed and all the Elm Street children are dead. Except for one boy who Freddy plans on using to escape Elm Street and enter the real world.

The Good: I got to see this in the theater and the 3D section was all kinds of awesome.

The Bad: The 3D section only lasted 20 minutes and the rest of the film is sub par. It suffers from an uneven script, way too cartoonish death scenes and way to many celebrity cameos. The montage of all his movies during the credits were more interesting. By the way the tag line: They Saved The Best For Last is a lie. And lies make baby Jesus cry.

Notable Stars: Lisa Zane, Yaphet Cotto, and Breckin Meyer star. Alice Cooper, Johnny Depp, and Roseanne and Tom Arnold show up for cameos.

Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994): Welcome to the real world, where Freddy is just a movie and Heather Langenkemp is just an actress. But when the line between fiction and reality blur, Heather fights to save her son.

The Good: This was a great movie, a wonderful homage to the original. It's great to see some of the behind the scenes members of the Nightmare franchise get their moment in the sun. There are so many cameos by former Nightmare alumni that it's almost like Where's Waldo? Heather Langenkemp is phenomenal.

The Bad: Not enough Freddy but I guess that was the point of the movie.

Notable Stars: John Saxon plays himself and briefly reprises his fictional role. Wes Craven and Robert Englind play themselves in the movie. Miko Hughes stars as her son. Tracy Middendorf plays the role of a babysitter who reenacts one of Freddy's iconic death scenes.

Freddy vs. Jason (2003): Everything that could be said about this monstrosity can be found in my Friday The 13th Movie Guide.

Tonight On A Very Different Blossom

2010-02-03T18:32:00.000-08:00

Feeling nostalgic I decided to Netflix Blossoms Season 1 & 2. On the DVD, I found the shows original pilot. The show that a lot of us grew up watching started out completely different.

To start things off, Blossom's parents are still together and played by different actors. Blossom's mom is named Barbara and works in the film industry. She is played by some actress named Barrie Youngfellow.

Blossom's father is named Terry Russo and is an accountant not a musician. He is played by Richard Masur who starred in IT and My Girl 1 & 2. Nothing against Ted Wass but I would've enjoyed seeing Richard keep this role. Why, because I have had this weird unexplained crush on the actor for years.

Joey Lawrence still plays Blossom's brother but is called Donnie and he seems a bit more intelligent than the character ended up being. He also rocks the mullet in the pilot. Anthony is also played by the same actor and is essentially the same character.

Six is still played by Jenna Von Oy but is tad bit dirtier than she ended up being. According to her character, she was named Six because that was how many beers it took for her dad to conceive her. She also claims that a more popular girl could breastfeed the homeless as a contribution to society. She's not the only character with PG 13 dialogue, Blossom's mother refers to pleasuring herself on occasion.

While I enjoyed watching the pilot I can see why they changed it. A precocious girl with the typical suburban family, it's been done. A precocious girl and her two brothers being raised by a single musician father was a fresher and more unique approach to the show.

Before They Were Famous: The Theme Song Edition

2010-01-29T22:03:00.000-08:00

In the world of television, your theme song is your calling card. It's a 30 sec attempt to keep new viewers from changing the channel. However some shows struggled before finding their memorable openings

A popular way of turning a so so theme song into a hit, remove the lyrics shows such as Bewitched, I Dream Of Jeannie, and M*A*S*H. While Bewitched's and Jeannie's were only mild improvements, M*A*S*H was literally saved by lyric removal.

The song is flat out depressing and not something you would welcome into your home every week. Especially since M*A*S*H is primarily a comedy. You can see the Bewitched theme and Jeannie's here.

Sometimes the theme songs need only a slight overhaul. Such as Michael Damian's version of the Saved By The Bell soundtrack or the orignal theme song to South Park sung by Matt Stone and Trey Parker. And sometimes a simple verse of the song is cut from the opening with no one the wiser. Such as the original Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

I don't know why they cut this verse out perhaps to shorten the opening.

Then there were the original themes that thankfully never aired such as the Calypso influenced Gilligan's Island theme.

I know they were trying for a tropical vibe but this awful. The theme they ultimately chose had a more sea shanty feel and fit the vibe of the show better.

Before Party Of Five settled on Closer to Free, they experimented with other theme songs. Hold My Hand by Hootie and The Blowfish and this one by Shawn Colvin

I have to admit I like Shawn Colvin's opening better. Closer To Free sounded way too upbeat for a show that was primarily a drama. While this didn't get chosen as the official theme, it did make it onto the official track.

Can you imagine Friends without it's infamous theme song? Well, imagine no longer. Originally titled Friends Like Us, the show used REM's Shiny Happy People as their opening.

I like the song but not as a television show theme. The editing was awful especially at the 8 sec mark. These opening credits have an out of place Bohemian vibe that didn't jibe with the rest of the show.

Like I said, opening credits are a calling card and luckily for these show's creators they made some good choices.

Dustin Diamond: Behind The Bell

2010-01-27T11:18:00.000-08:00

To describe this cover, I'm going to borrow a word that Dustin Diamond seems to love, douchenozzle. It looks like the cast of Saved By The Bell is desperately trying to escape the book and I don't blame them. This book is less expose and more the rantings of an actor that never quite fit in.

Dustin Diamond hasn't been relevant in years. He's broke. He's one of the only people to have a sex tape and have it not boost his career. Despite this, he is still egotistical and believes that he is a God. According to him, he's got a big penis and all the ladies want him. Even though he's cashing in on being Screech, he wants you to know that he isn't Screech. Hence from now on I will refer to him as such.

Behind the scenes at Saved By The Bell, sex was in the air. According to Screech, everybody did everybody, except for him. At one point, Tiffani Amber Thiessen is alleged to have been banging both Mario Lopez and Mark Gosslear under her boyfriend's nose. Mario Lopez is alleged to have raped some gal but NBC allegedly paid her off.

Did anyone see the E! True Hollywood Story on the show? It was boring even the sleaziest of shows couldn't dredge up anything negative about the cast. In this day and age, we supposed to believe that none of this ever came to light until Screech's sob story, I mean, err tell all.

And with sex comes drugs, Screech insists that he smelled crack coming out of Tiffani's dressing room. And that Mark did steroids. He demands that you watch Saved By The Bell: The College Years for proof. Apparently teen actors in the '80s also smoked joints and drank. Shocking I know. He's judgmental of his cast mates but is quick to tell you that he smokes pot too.

While Screech is quick to expose the sex life of his cast mates, he is strangely mute about his. The only name he named was Linda Mancuso, an NBC executive. Linda Mancuso died a few years ago so she can not speak for herself. Other shocking revelations Fred Savage was snobby when he was 8 and Neil Patrick Harris is gay. I for one am stunned.

For all I know, this book could be true. Or it could be all delusions from the bitter mind of a failed television star. All I know is that it is poorly written, contradictory, and boring. There are many inaccuracies and at one point a paragraph was repeated twice. It's called an editor, Dustin, they are pretty useful. So are therapists.

All this book really exposes is that Dustin Diamond has nothing to really call his own, so he has to use other people's "secrets" to make him fell worthwhile. That is what turns this tell all into a tragedy.

The Pregnancy Pact

2010-01-25T12:36:00.000-08:00

Stage 1: Charm everybody as an adorable moppet in Hocus Pocus
Stage 2: Star in the most awesome movie of all time, Now and Then.
Stage 3: Shed your teen actress status and your top in American Beauty
Stage 4: Star in Homeless To Harvard, one of the few good Lifetime movies
Stage 5: Give up and take whatever role that falls into your lap, like The Pregnancy Pact

These my friends are the 5 stages of Thora Birch's career. Pregnancy Pact was awful, those films that you saw in health class was more informative and entertaining. Especially since the plot of the movie is based on a story that many people claim was a myth.

A sudden spike in teen pregnancies begins in the economically depressed town of Glouchester, MA. We learn rather quickly that these pregnancies are due to a supposed pact between some delusional girls. The girls see pregnancy as a rosy world of dress up where the diapers are never soiled and the babies never cry.

The only hold out is Sara, who is in a serious relationship with Jessie. Jessie is unlike most teen boys because he has already decided he wants to marry her. She is super excited and already picking out the wedding china. However, Jessie wants them to graduate college before walking down the aisle. Sara jumps on the baby train to ensure that Jessie stays with her.

The whole debacle attracts the attention of a video blogger named Sydney who used to live in that town. A video blogger?! Why not make her a psycologist, a reporter, or even a sleazy talk show host? Dammit, Lifetime, you are not even trying.

Sydney seems anti-pregnancy and harasses the pregnant girls at every opportunity. But wait a tic, she was a pregnant teen who got an abortion. And her former baby daddy is also a vice principal at the school, so there are many awkward attempts to interview him while reminiscing about the bad old days.

She eventually admits that she didn't get an abortion, she lied and really gave the kid up for adoption. She is instantly forgiven because forging documents, lying, and keeping a father away from his kid is alright as long as she did not get an abortion. It's a freaking movie about teen girls deliberately getting pregnant and abortion is still a taboo subject.

There is a boring subplot about Sara's mom battling the school nurse over whether or not birth control should be in schools. A mute point and a boring one if you ask me. Poor Nancy Travis and Camryn Manheim, they deserved way better.

Sara's role in the pact is revealed and her boyfriend hightails it out of there. After all, Sara is a bad, bad, girl and Jessie is the poor victim. Last time I checked it took two people to get pregnant, the movie should have addressed that. In the end, Sara has the baby and the world is all rosy. Her parents totally got her back and she has what she always wanted a baby to love her. Jessie of course has nothing to do with the baby's life because he was a victim and this is Lifetime.

As always these things end with an informative PSA about teen pregnancy. Warning not for the squeamish, easily offended, eating lunch, and possibly NSFW.

The Lovely Bones: The Movie

2010-01-19T17:39:00.000-08:00

Warning, mild spoilers for the book.

I was hesitant to watch this film as The Lovely Bones is one of my favorite books. But color me impressed I loved it. It was good, honest, adaption with great special effects.

I am glad Peter Jackson chose relative unknowns for the roles of Susie, Ruth, Lindsay, and Ray. It made the film feel more realistic than it would've been had some teen idol had been cast. I wasn't too impressed with casting Rachel Weisz and Mark Wahlberg as Susie's parents, they acted well they just didn't seem to fit in.

The actress who really stole the movie was Susan Sarandon, as Susie's boozing, fun-loving grandmother. Her role was expanded from what was in the book and simply made the movie. Stanley Tucci did well as Susie's killer, but without the back story provided in the book, he became just another psycho.

Peter Jackson stays mostly true to the book. However, in order to condense it into a movie certain plot points were dropped such as Susie's mother's affair and her friendship with Ray's mother. The characters of Ray and Ruth were diminished as well as Lindsay's relationship with her boyfriend, Samuel. This is kind of a bummer considering the large impact these characters had in the novel.

Even the changes that Peter Jackson did for the story such as Holly's true identity and the expanded character of Susie's grandmother worked for the film. Rarely do changes in the plot do that and it only enhances the charm of the film.

If you liked the book, you'll like the movie. Peter Jackson did a phenomenal job bringing the story to life.

Wes Craven's Flowers In The Attic

2010-01-17T13:03:00.000-08:00

No, this is not a parody. Apparently Wes Craven wrote a script for the movie but was ultimately rejected. I am only reviewing this script, if you wanna read the whole thing, it can be found on the Complete V.C. Andrews site. I thank the site owner for making this available and recommend that any V.C. Andrews visit the site, it's awesome.

For the most part, Craven stays true to the novel. He uses large chunks of the book's dialogue and the characters are dead on. However inexplicably, John Amos Jackson is replaced by a character named Doberman. Doberman is mostly mute, all he does is grunt and let out "ungodly shrieks".

In my opinion there were way too many references to bodily functions. Unless body humor is the sole purpose of your film then it's really not necessary. Do not read this while eating. This script moves pretty quick, the poisoned doughnuts show up a mere couple of days after the children get there.

Wes Craven does make some minor changes. Chris is brutally attacked by a guard dog when they first get to the house. Instead of allowing the children to view the Christmas party, Corrine merely forgets to lock the door.

The script gets a little silly at this point. Cathy and Chris hide out in a mesh chest, watching the party like in the novel. But they manage to steal champagne from a couple of guests. Chris dons a wig and some old clothes so he can check out the house. The servants assume that he is just another guest.

Chris gets caught by his mother and runs off with her and Doberman in hot pursuit. Corrine is a major bitch in this scene. She actually refers to Chris as a little bastard. Doberman catches Chris and almost slits his throat, but the grandmother stops him. Which is out of character for a woman who is supposed to want the children to vanish.

Unlike the movie that actually got made, Craven includes Cathy's discovery of the sex book and her kissing a sleeping Bart. Instead of Chris raping Cathy, the sex is actually consensual which I thought would have worked better for the story. I didn't like in the novel how she instantly forgave him for the rape and never showed any anger over it.

The ending is really fast paced, the discovery of the poison, Cory's death, and Corrine's wedding happen almost simultaneously. Cathy winds up on the roof with Carrie, running from Doberman who is intent on killing them. Chris having learned about the poisoning from a strangely knowledgeable servant crashes the wedding.

Cathy manages to kill Doberman and they both announce to the entire wedding party who they are and what their mother did to them. Bart turns his back on her and the kids live happily ever after.

In my opinion, a decent script. Much better than the script that they ultimately chose. I hated the fact that they cut out the whole relationship between Chris and Cathy. That was a main part of the book and the studio chose to cut it out to avoid controversy.

This wasn't the only way that the studio screwed the film, the accidental death of the mother was a last minute addition to the film. The director actually refused to shoot the scene and eventually someone else did. Killing Corrine was a dumb move as the character plays an integral part in the next two novels of the series. They basically killed all hopes of a sequel in a single move.

If they had just chosen a better script or told the studio to shove it, the film might have been better.

10 Things I Loved About The '80s

2010-01-15T11:26:00.000-08:00

10. Freddy Krueger: Yes I was that kid. The kid whose father let his 7 year old daughter watch A Nightmare On Elm Street on VHS. Sure I slept with the lights on that night but I became a girl obsessed. I subscribed to Fangoria magazine, I watched the television series, had his posters on my wall, and was at the theater every time a new film came out. If it involved Freddy, I had to be involved.

9 Electric Youth Perfume: I love this perfume, it was the very first perfume I had ever owned. I thought the lightning bolt in the center was just the coolest thing ever. As soon as one ran out or was accidentally lost, I would beg my father to take me to the store so I could replace it.

8. Fred Savage: You are looking at my first celebrity crush here. My room at one time was equally dominated by posters of my two favorite Freds, Kruger and Savage. My crush was so severe that I even sat through films like Little Monsters and The Wizard just to see him. I never missed an episode of The Wonder Years. I even developed a crush on a kid in my class simply because he looked just like him.

7. Tiffany: Tiffany was the first singer that I had ever gotten into by myself. All the other music I listened to were courtesy of my parents. I would play her first album at least three or four times a day. My father who was a heavy metal/classic rock fan made the ultimate sacrifice and took me to see her at Six Flags in '87. I had never been to a concert before and had no concept of the term opening act. I pouted during the entire opening set waiting for my idol to appear. The opening band was New Kids On The Block.

6. MTV: Remember when MTV would just play hours upon hours of music videos. You had the privilege of seeing your favorite artists anytime you wanted to. Even the television shows like Headbanger's Ball and Yo! MTV Raps were music video oriented. That's before MTV became a pseudo-reality network dedicated to spoiled rotten teens.

5. Sweet Valley High: Between the ages of 9 and 13, I worshiped these books. I even went so far as to buy the board game (which was boring.) On our weekly visits to the local used bookstore, I would pore through the shelves praying to find ones I didn't already have. True excitement was going to the grocery store and seeing a new one on the racks. My dad was always annoyed that I would finish the book the very same day that he got it for me. Strangely enough the book never made me want to blond haired and blue-eyed, but it did make me wanna have dimples in the worst way.

4. Plastic Charm Necklaces: Believe these bright and clunky things were the must have accessories in my elementary school. Our teacher went so far as to use them as prizes during spelling and math bees. Even though I already had bunch of them, I was still jealous of any girl who had a charm that I didn't have. Particular favorites were an abacus, a baby bottle, and a record.

3. Nintendo: I wasn't one of the lucky kids to have a Nintendo at my house. However, I had friends who did. Many hours were spent parked in front of the television playing Mario or Donkey Kong. My babysitters would park me in front of their Nintendo in exchange for a few hours of privacy. I finally got a Nintendo in '93 when the original console was considered obsolete. Obsolete or not, I still got a kick out of playing it.

2. Cabbage Patch Kids: Forget Tickle Me Elmo, the demand for Cabbage Patch kids were way more insane. My dad braved the Christmas crowds in search of a brown eyed brown haired doll for my very own. Instead he got a me a blond haired blue eyed one and told me I should be grateful to have gotten that. I treasured that doll and kept with me for many many years. Once it stopped being interesting as a toy, it became a nostalgic artifact.

1. Madonna: I confess that I was a junior Madonna wannabe. Blame my babysitter who owned Like A Virgin and played it constantly. I begged for my own copy which I received as a birthday gift and I was hooked. She was the continuing soundtrack to my '80s childhood. My mother worked at a video store and managed to score me a cardboard cutout from Shanghai Surprise. I even lucked out and got to see her live during her Blond Ambition tour. To this day I'm still a fan.

Cradle Of Conspiracy

2010-01-11T12:52:00.000-08:00

Unlike a lot of teen actresses in the late '90s, Danica McKellar pretty much avoided the Lifetime movie craze. So finding this one is a real treat.

Danica plays Kristin, a perfect Lifetime target. Smart, kind, bright future, she's just asking for something bad to happen to her. However the only problems she has right now are her parents who expect nothing but the best from her.

Seriously what the hell where we thinking in the '90s. I see Danica rocking the boxy denim jacket and high waisted shorts and chuckle. Then I realize that back then, people honestly believed that a was a good look.

Kristin and a friend are almost run over by Kenny, who wears a leather jacket because obviously he's a bad guy. As an apology, he offers the girls a ride in his car. Kristin declines because good girls don't get into cars with strange men.

Kenny eventually wins Kristen over with promises of Hollywood and milkshakes. Kristin's fledgling relationship with Kenny concerns her mother. On their first date, Kenny takes the obviously underage Kristin to a bar. He bribes a bartender into serving them.

Kristin takes about 3 sips of beer, but that is enough to make her lose a big track meet. Is this the same super beer that made Zach Morris hit a tree after only one beer? Her mother is angry and forbids Kristin from seeing Kenny. She promptly goes to his place and loses her virginity.

Almost instantly, she gets pregnant. I guess drinking superbeer gives you super sperm. She tries to tell her mother but chickens out. She runs away with Kenny who is starting to up his creep factor a little bit. As her parents frantically look for her, Kenny takes her to an uber posh home for unwed mothers.

Kristin becomes friends with another pregnant girl, Donna (played by Melrose Place's Jamie Luner). Donna is a baby making machine who's in the middle of her third pregnancy. Literally, she's a baby making machine, the hotel pays her to be artificially inseminated and to hand over the babies to them.

Kristin's parents investigate Kenny's trailer and wind up at a house he was nearly arrested at. They meet another teen girl that was impregnated by Kenny. Super sperm, don't leave home without it. The parents begin to blame one another for Kristin's disappearance.

Kristin begins having doubts about Kenny and the hotel. Kristin's mom learns that her daughter is pregnant. Without even trying, they immediately locate the hotel via a newspaper ad. The hotel gives them the runaround so they contact a lawyer. She tells them that they need to get to her before she turns 18 and they lose all legal control over her.

Kenny convinces Kristin to call her parents and tell them to leave her alone. Another teen mother, Pam, wants to leave the hotel with her twin babies. She gives birth and is told that they both died, she tells Kristin that the hotel is lying. Kristin learns later on that she committed suicide.

As Kenny is fleeing the hotel with Kristin, the cops finally show up. Kenny is arrested for taking a minor across state lines. Kristin is reunited with her parents but continues to believe that Kenny's innocent. This girl needs a sharp blow to the head with a clue by 4.

Kristin's mom takes her to see Sarah, Kenny's other baby mama and learns that he tried to sell her baby as well. Kristin gives birth but wants to put it up for adoption. Her parents plead with her to keep it. Yeah, keep the constant reminder that the man you love used you as a prenatal ATM.

Kenny is released and is seen spying on Kristin and her family. Kristin's mom confesses that she was pregnant at 16 and had to give the baby up. This leads Kristen to bond with her baby. Kenny shows up and pleads with Kristin to let him hold the baby. When the dim bulb allows him to, he knocks her over with a bitch slap and takes off with the kid.

He's promptly arrested but they can't bust him for kidnapping since he is the baby's father. Why are all the cops in Lifetime movies so useless? Kristin visits him in jail and trades him her grandmother's expensive ring in return for signing away his parental rights.

After all he goes through to get that baby, he just gives it up for a ring. Jeez, most Lifetime villains would have fought to the death to get what they want?

Jennifer's Body

2010-01-08T10:35:00.000-08:00

So I finally broke down and rented Jennifer's Body and it wasn't as terrible as I expected. For the most part, the movie delivered what it promised cheesy horror, comedy and the obligatory T&A.

I liked most of the cast Kyle Gallner is always a pleasure to watch and I adore Amanda Seyfried. Adam Brody was hysterical and I almost wished he could have had a bigger role in the film. The problem is naturally Megan Fox, she's pretty but simply cannot emote on the silver screen. Her portrayal of Jennifer was just boring, the lights are on but nobody's home I can only imagine how much better the film would have been had they cast someone else.

The things that really bothered me about the film was the slang. It seemed almost forced like Diablo Cody is desperate to invent a new language. It reminds me of that line from Mean Girls "Stop trying to make Fetch happen, it will never happen." Slang in a film is fine as long as it is someone natural. Movies like Clueless and Wayne's World managed to achieve that without sinking the film.

The soundtrack was awesome. I love Little Boots and Florence and The Machine and their music did make the film more enjoyable to watch. Even Hole contributes Violet for the soundtrack. Thank goodness they didn't use the actual song, Jennifer's Body. It wouldn't have fit in with the film and would have just been cheesy.

Don't get me wrong, despite the concerns I have listed above, Jennifer's Body is still a fun film. There's some great kill scenes for the horror fan, good one liners for the comedy fans, and a little smut thrown in for fun.

Eye Of The Storm

2010-01-03T17:25:00.000-08:00

By this point in the story, Rain has returned home from London after her grandmother's death. In typical V.C. Andrews fashion, she lives in the lap of luxury but is so utterly alone. Her only companion is a horse with no name and it felt good to be out of the rain. Actually the horse's name is also Rain, a gift from her chauffeur and only friend, Jake.

Chapter One is titled Jake's Secret. The secret being that he and Grandmother Hudson were lovers and that Aunt Victoria is his child. Great a confession from one boring character involving an even more boring character. Why bother in the first place?

Corbette, Rain's love interest from the first novel pays her a visit. He apologizes for seducing, then dumping her and wants a second chance. Rain soon realizes that he's only there because she is rich. In a funny scene, she convinces him that she is poor and is working as a maid in the mansion. He disappears as quickly as he came.

Her mother, stepfather, and Aunt Victoria confront Rain. They waste an entire chapter trying to convince Rain to take a settlement and forfeit her inheritance. Or face a lengthy court battle. Later, Rain receives a call from Roy who is in jail for going AWOL to visit Rain. After a life changing horseback ride, she decides to fight Victoria

She later has a quiet dinner with her half-brother Brody. Even though he's her brother and she knows he wants her, she makes a point of putting on some lipstick. Brody gets increasingly drunk and refuses to leave. Rain calls her mother in an attempt to get him to go.

Later, a drunk Brody tries to force himself on her. Rather than tell him the truth and get it over with, Rain stupidly continues to keep her mother's secret. A hurt Brody drives off into the night. Brody dies in a car accident. Rain collapses in a fetal position in the bathroom and is of course rescued by Jake.

Aunt Victoria forces Rain to go to the funeral but not as a part of the family. Her devastated mother tells her that she is evil. Anybody who reads this boring book would be inclined to agree. Rain's biological father writes her a moving letter telling her that he wants her in his life. Do they not have phones in this stinking book?

Since the author felt that Rain hasn't suffered enough, he throws in a horse riding accident and paralyzes her. Why couldn't the horse have just finished her off and freed me from this awful book? Luckily she gets a visit from a heroic paraplegic doctor who tells her that she can still live a full and productive life. She could invent a new wheelchair rugby game called don't feel sorry for us ball.

Victoria takes over and gives her a typical Nurse Ratchett to boss her around. Rain is so very sad and afraid. Here's where a normal character decides to take charge of her life and make some changes. Rain however will cry and feel sorry for herself like she does in every book so far.

Fate comes in the form of Austin, the studly physical therapist who Rain instantly likes. There is more of the same old same old. Victoria is mean, Jake is supportive, Rain cries, and her father continues to support the U.S. postal service with his sappy letters. Oh, and Mommie Dearest tries to overdose on pills. Rain learns Roy tried to go AWOL again to see her. Roy is a moron but so is most everyone in this book.

Austin starts a special kind therapy with Rain involving his penis. I'm surprised she didn't instantly walk again after their night of passion. Jake dies, Victoria's mean, Austin's supportive and Rain cries some more. Rain finally tells Victoria who her father really was. Victoria threatens to make her life even more of a living Hell than it already was.

Victoria manages to get Austin fired and moves on in. She takes a cue from Tony Tatterton and makes Rain a prisoner in her own mansion. Austin assures her that he will rescue her. As they are hooking up, Aunt Victoria busts in and accuses Austin of rape. She throws him out and insists that Rain sign a power of attorney form.

Rain tries to escape but finds her wheelchair ramp is missing. She attempts to crawl away but is found by Victoria. She is forced to have dinner with Victoria who has descended further into madness. She has put on make up and according to Rain it's caked on, clownish, and artificial. I imagine Victoria to look something like this.
Rain attempts to sneak into Grandmother Hudson's room in order to find a phone. Instead she finds a mannequin in a wig that Victoria believes to be her mother. She realizes that she is pregnant and begs Victoria to let her out. Austin shows up to see Rain but is told that she moved to London.

Victoria decides to give Rain a bath and finally Rain gets the nerve to fight back. In the struggle Victoria is killed. Austin arrives on his white horse and whisks Rain off to the hospital. Everything is wonderful, Rain's mother forgives her. Austin is over the moon about the pregnancy and she marries in a fairytale wedding.

Rain has a girl named Summer. Roy is released from jail and moves in with Rain and Austin. I get the vision of Roy peeking at Rain through a hole in the shower every chance he gets. During the book, he wistfully claims that Summer could've been their baby. This is not a stable man.

And they all lived happily ever after. Never mind there's one more book in this series. Bring on the pain.

Bad Roommate Saga Part 1

2010-01-03T16:29:00.000-08:00

Lately I have discovered a site called My Very Worst Roommate. It is an awesome site full of jaw dropping stories of bad roommate behavior. This got me reminiscing about my extensive history with bad roommates.

In the beginning there was "Trey." I was living in Seattle in a one room apartment. My job cut my hours and there were few job openings at the time. Trey needed a place to stay and we got along well. I got the bed, he slept on a futon on the floor.

At first Trey was awesome, the platonic boyfriend I'd always dreamed of. He was hardworking, cleaned up after himself, and was very considerate of the ground rules I set for him. But soon, Trey found himself a very non-platonic girlfriend.

His girlfriend was helpless. She relied on Trey to take care of everything in her life and Trey was more than happy to be her savior. Trey began calling in sick to work in order to spend the day with her. He would call me out of the blue and demand that I leave the room at once so they could fool around. After a long night of work, I came home to find them cuddled up in my bed fast asleep. When I woke them, they acted like nothing was wrong with that scenario.

The final straw came a couple of weeks later when I came home to find the room littered with boxes. I assumed that Trey was moving out since his girlfriend was moving out of her parents' house and into her own place. Then I realized that the stuff wasn't Trey's, it was his girlfriend's. Her place had fallen through and Trey moved her in lock, stock, and barrel without even telling me. My name was only one on the rental agreement.

I left a very angry message on his voice mail and he called back to tell me he was moving out over the weekend. He was angry at me because I was so "selfish" and "unsympathetic to his girlfriend's needs". What did he expect me to do? Move out but continue to pay the rent? Buy them a new place to live? Neither of them had a lot of money and there was no way I was going to take care of them. And if I knew that if I let her stay there, she would never leave.

After he moved out, I would on occasion get drunken calls from him. He would swear that he left various expensive items behind when he moved. He would tell me that if I couldn't return those items, then I'd better pay for them. Oh, I heard through the grapevine that his girlfriend dumped him when he lost his job.